I still can’t write. I’m gonna try this one last time. This is the third time. I think I’m gonna post no matter what comes out of me.
I can feel myself leaving my body. It’s a strange thing that happens. When I don’t want to feel stuff, it feels like my spirit just leaves my body, and I am here, a numb shell, moving through the world, but with no feeling. I try to come back into my body if I notice it happening. I’ll try it now…
Suddenly life is urgent. There is an urgency to get everything out of me, to tell everyone everything I need to say. To be honest. To express and share everything in me with the world. Maybe I am dying. Or maybe I am hungry for life for the first time ever. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks. I don’t want to write about that. I deleted the most recent blog I had posted because my momma said I should tell my business or my family’s business to the world. I had an existential meltdown wondering why I chose to be a writer in the first place and what’s the meaning of doing anything. I met a random predator guy at a coffee shop who told me that God had sent him to tell me to come back to the religion of my family and that it was my destiny to meet him and the he was supposed to be my husband and king. I fell out with my little sis over something small that had triggered the bigger issues we have. I stopped talking to most of my friends because I realized that most of our dynamics were me giving and them taking, and I didn’t feel like I had much to give, nor did I trust that they could offer me much without me agreeing to interact with them in ways that would be detrimental to me.
I found myself very alone in my apartment in the middle of Los Angeles, crying and shit every day. My writing bud and leaving the house helps me get a lot of work done, but when I go home, I crash on my bed for hours.
I realized that I am hungry. I have been hungry for some time without knowing it. I am hungry to live. I am hungry to express my full self. I am hungry to Love. I am hungry to trust and feel safe in the world. I am hungry to have sex. I am yearning to be fully in my body. I am hungry to be alive and to experience, express, create, and contribute what is in me while I have the chance.
I am tired of being pitiful. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being under-expressed and underpaid and undervalued and under-lived. I am tired of bullshitty relationships where each person just cares about themselves and is fake and doesn’t tell the truth or share deeply with one another. I mean, I’m not gonna cut out the people in my life who have been there for me just because they may not be willing or able to express connection on the level that I am, but I realize that I need to have at least one person in my environment who is interested and willing and able to live full out.
This won’t do anymore. This sadness won’t do anymore. I am realizing that relationships are everything to me. I don’t know how I’ve survived so long, creating so many dysfunctional relationships.
It’s time to heal. Everything. It’s time to just tell the truth about everything. I know, everyone doesn’t want to hear the truth if the truth means you’re saying something they don’t want to hear. But if I express the truth with love, it will be received at the right time. I know it.
My life hasn’t been too good. I know it. But there is so much goodness in me. It has been hard. These past years of my life have been so hard. But aren’t you tired of hearing my sad stories? I’m tired of writing them. I hear that not too many people make it to this magic place where they have healthy, loving, honest relationships where they can be and express themselves fully; and where they are doing the dream thing that they want to do with their life, whatever that may be, and where they have more than enough money than they need. I hear that no so many of us are truly content with our lives when we go to sleep. I’m in this group. I have been trying to figure this thing out for some time. How not to cry every day. How to get to the other side of happy.
It’s not the outside stuff. It’s not the money or the accolades. It’s not even “having” the things you thought you wanted, like a man or some kids or a house. Those aren’t the things that bring happiness. You got to deal with what’s inside you. All of the broken pieces. All of the un-forgiveness. All of the unhealed relationships and bitterness. All of the lies. The resentment. The bitterness. The envy. The pride. The pain. It’s heavy. And for some of us, we’ve been carrying it around for years without even knowing.
You can’t make people like you. You can’t make people love you. You can’t make people be there for you in the ways they don’t want to. You can’t make them accept you as you are or even be kind or forgiving towards you. You can’t force people to take care of you. But you can take care of yourself. You can. You can take a good look around and a good look inside and see what you have been doing. See what you have been creating. See what you have been accepting. Right? You can be the kind of person you’ve been looking for. You can be kind. And you can be giving and forgiving. And you can be open and loving. And you can heal the wounds you’ve been carrying. You can. You can take care of the ones you love. You can offer Love in dark places and you can be so good to yourself that you make a space, that you go searching, that you make a point to find others who can give you what you need to help make this life worth living… You don’t have to keep crying. You don’t have to keep starving… The healing isn’t easy, ok? You’re gonna have to face your past. You’re gonna have to face the things your mom says that may still make you feel like shit. You’re gonna have to take a good look at the fucked up stuff that has happened in your life, many of which happened because you allowed them to and chose them. You’re gonna have to take responsibility for some things and there may be moments that you feel like shit and you feel like a loser. You’re gonna have to love the most shitty, weak parts of yourself and forgive yourself for all the silliness. But don’t you want to be free? Don’t you want to be happy again? Don’t you want to have that cloud in your head disappear at last?
I’ve had enough. It’s enough already. I want to be healed and free and live my life more than anything…
I’m gonna go now. Time to heal.
Mwa.
Day 463
Time To Heal (Hungry Heart)
Another poem I wrote:
Hungry Heart
Hungry hearts everywhere refuse to be fed.
Open up, dear.
Stop looking for water in acid pools
Know what you need and let yourself have it.
You have to let yourself have it…
Be patient
Be steadfast
And do your part
Open
Give
Forgive
Let go
And Grow
Harder than it sounds, I know
But you are starving, dear.
Let your heart be fed…
My computer is updated. My blog is updated. My computer got attacked by a virus the other day. I’ve had it for five years and it was our first attack. I had to update my operating system. Now my background screen is red instead of blue.
I logged onto my blog and the setup is updated, too. And me? Well, I got attacked, too. By all manner of things.
And here I am. Upgraded. I guess it had to be done. All manner of thoughts and emotions going through my head. All manner of change in this past month. On Friday, I started my first day as an Assistant Director on a feature film. It’s a leadership position and it’s the first film job that I’ve had in years. I was hired to clean up a mess of a crew and I was scared out of my mind before I started. I didn’t know if I was gonna have a panic attack. I didn’t know if I was gonna get stressed out and get sick. I didn’t know if my hair was gonna fall out. I didn’t know if my emotions were gonna stay stable. I didn’t know if I was gonna do a good job and if people were going to listen to me. But I took the job. And I went into work. And everything went ok. I mean, everyone was horrible, as expected, and certain people didn’t listen to me at first, as expected, but my ghetto girl stubborn background finally came in handy for me. I told everyone off. Yep. Told them I wasn’t going anywhere and we were either going to learn how to work together and help each other or the film was just gonna fall to pieces.
They couldn’t believe how crazy and bold I was. I was able to talk to them like that, because, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to lose, and so I was really able to be how I wanted to be and create what I wanted to create. It was a good day… They listened to me. I earned some respect. We will be moving on…
And today I am sitting at Coffee Bean at the same table that I sat at almost two years ago as I mended a relationship with Sir Deplier. I thought that he would be a great friend of mine and that we would work together to help each other out in life, but it didn’t happen that way. Instead he took me for granted, tried to use me, lied to me… I don’t blame him all the way. After all, I let him. I made it known that I was the kind of person that would give you something for nothing, even if you hurt me.
And I am sitting at Coffee Bean feeling ashamed and proud and thankful as I look at how far I’ve come. I am grieving the death of my old self. Since my last blog entry, I must have parted ways or changed relationship dynamics with at least four different people. They are all people who I loved deeply, but they were hurting me and they just wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t get them to see me as a person who needed to be Loved too. I had set up a pattern that you didn’t have to wish the best for me to be around me, and it was hard to break that pattern with these people. I didn’t completely throw them away. I told them they could come around if they were willing to play nice, but they haven’t…
I am sitting here at the Coffee Bean realizing that if I hadn’t let go of those people, I would probably be sitting in my house right now feeling like shit and feeling like no one in the world loves me. If I hadn’t let go of those people, then I wouldn’t have gone on Facebook, trying to find opportunities to connect with anyone who still believed in life, and stumbled upon the job opportunity which led to the job that I now have. I am sitting here at Coffee Bean being grateful, Allah. I think I’m finally growing into my own skin.
I don’t have much to write about. I have too much to write about. I’m not gonna tell you about my plans or the breakups that I experienced. I will tell you that it was hard. It was very hard to turn down an ex who wanted to plan a Valentine’s date with me when no one has taken me out on a date in a while and I’m bored out of my mind with no courters right now. It was hard to tell another guy he can’t come and visit me when he is the best hugger I’ve ever known and I’ve been needing a hug. It was hard to cut ties with My Kind when he lives right on the next street and has been my companion for over a year. But I had to shift these relationships. Because they were confusing and hurtful. And nobody knew what they wanted. Or rather, hanging out with each other was not leading any of us towards what we wanted. My Kind knows what he wants, but he doesn’t want anyone else to know because then that would make him responsible for his own life, and he’s not ready for that. And the others want me to be their woman, or at least their lover, and, as sweet as they both are, I don’t want to be with them. It doesn’t even matter why. I let go of three others, too, and it was hard, but I finally realized that they don’t like me. lol. I mean, they like me, but they also hate my guts and hope I fail at everything I do because they’re mad that I don’t want to be with me. I know. I asked them. Hehe. Ok, so I did tell you about some of the breakups I experienced.
I’m making it sound like it was easy, but it wasn’t. And I’m making it sound like I have arrived at some magical place in life where everything is all good, but I haven’t. I am still at the same place I was when I wrote the last blog. By myself in my apartment in LA. Unfinished projects. No man. A very handsome man just walked by… Something is shifting, though. Something is clearing up in my brain. When I went on the film set the other day, I recognized something. I used to hate going on film sets because people are so competitive and catty and mean to each other in that environment. But I realized something the other day. It doesn’t have to be that way. When I walked on the set, I realized that I was the only person bold enough to say, “It’s not gonna be this way. No.” I was the only one able to let them see the benefit of working together and being nice to each other. And that was so valuable. That was what they needed.
I am beginning to see that I am valuable, that all my life experiences and everything I’ve been through have brought me to a place where I have something good to offer to the world, and I’m no longer afraid to give it. I’m no longer afraid to have it. I’m just beginning to believe. I’m out of the fog some kind of way. Something in my brain has clicked and I don’t care about how hard it is. I’m going to fight. I’m going to reach out for help. I’m going to grow and develop myself and I’m going to do every and anything I can to be the Light and Love that I was sent here to be. I’m not giving up. Nope. I am going to be my fully actualized, Divine, fabulous self. I am going to live the life I was sent here to live, or I’m gonna die trying. I mean it. I am committed to that…
That’s all there is to it.
Ameen.
Day 462 – The Shift
Fear… Gonna work through this and then take some action. Need to send some more emails out… Kind of scared ‘cus I’m gonna be vulnerable when I write them. Don’t know how I’ll be received.
Love on the mind. Why is love always on my mind? You know, people say love is not important. Relationships are not important. To me, they are the most important thing. Everything we do in life is in relationship to one another…
I had a panic attack this week. First time in my life. If you’ve never had a panic attack, then you will feel like I did before I had a panic attack. “What’s a panic attack? No big deal. People just feel panicked,” you will think. It was the worst experience of my entire life. It was the biggest deal of my entire life, and I’ve dealt with a lot of things…
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My whole body started trembling. I busted out crying. All of my muscles hurt. It hurt so bad that I just wanted to knock myself out. I don’t drink or smoke, but in that moment I could understand why people get pissy drunk and smoke. It hurt so much. Nobody wants to feel that much pain. I had a project due and I couldn’t make myself do it. I thought I was losing my mind. “What if I’m crazy,” I thought. “What if I can’t do life on my own anymore? What if my brain doesn’t work anymore?” It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me.
I went to sleep so that I wouldn’t feel the pain. When I woke up, my muscles weren’t hurting as much, but my body was still tingling and I was still having a hard time breathing. I called my mom. I never call my mom when I’m going through stuff, so you know I must have been feeling really bad. I called her and she prayed for me. Maybe someone put a hex on me, she thought. She asked me to pray over my house and throw away things that certain people (people who probably hate my guts) gave me. Normally, I rebel when my mom tells me to do things like that, but I was so desperate that I just did what she said.
Strangely enough, after I had thrown everything out, I could breathe better. I wanted to finish my project on time. It was such a great opportunity. I had to sit down and take a good look at myself. “What are we gonna do? What are gonna do, Laydie, if our mind has broke? How are we gonna live?” I told myself that I was going to tap into everything, every single piece of me, everything I had learned my entire life… I was going to use every single part of me, all of my willpower. I was going to reach out to every and everyone I could think of. I was going to pray like I’ve never prayed before and open up and make myself available to more guidance than I’ve ever received. I was going to allow myself to be helped and loved. I was going to integrate all the classes and lectures and books I’d ever read. I was going to absorb every truth I’d ever heard into my body. I was going to do everything I could to finish this project by this deadline. So I called my friend who’s a therapist, and he stayed on the phone with me. He helped me do some processes and breathing exercises so that I could get off the bed. He asked me what I was afraid of and if I knew anyone who could protect me so that I could focus on my work instead of having to fight all my demons by myself. And there was no one. There was no one present in my life who was strong enough to fight the demons I was dealing with. But there were some people, who were not exactly active parts of my life, but who had protected me in the past, and who I thought, if they knew what I was going through, they would be willing to protected me now and champion me so that I could live.
It’s funny when I thought of this. I also realized all of the people who claim to love me but don’t have the guts or nuts to stand up for a beloved. I can’t get mad. Everybody’s not a jedi… I imagined that the people who I thought were willing and able to protect me were there, keeping the demons at bay, slaying dragons, while I did my project. My therapist friend called to check on my every fifteen minutes, and if my breathing wasn’t right, he helped me get back to normal. It took everything in me to finish that project, but I finished. Afterwards, I collapsed and slept the rest of the day.
I had never used that much energy in my life. The next day I spoke with my sister, who’s a doctor. She said I had had a panic attack. She told me the sobering truth: I had been sick for over a year and I had experienced some major traumas that I’m only recently dealing with. It may take a while for me to heal completely. But then she told me something encouraging. She said that even if I never return to 100% functionality, that my 50% is a lot more than many people’s 100%. I don’t care about being better or worse than other people, but I realized something. For the first time in my life, I had given my 100%. I had tapped in to everything I could. I had never done that before. I think, even when I was at 100% health level, I mostly stayed at about a 20% giving level. Things came easy for me, so I just didn’t have to give !00% to function. So if I’m at a 50% health level now, but I’m giving my 100%, I’m still giving more of myself than I’ve ever given.
I was really proud of myself for finishing that project. I felt like a spell had been broken somehow, and I could now get on with the rest of my life. It’s so crazy how we are all trapped in so many bubbles. I have been in a mental cage for so long, and for the first time I can see the electric fence around me, and better yet, and I can see the way out of it. As the saying goes, I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
There is a difference between wanting a thing and being ready and able to have it. Whatever it is you’ve been wanting for so long, do you believe that you can have it? The types of relationships you want. The career. The money. The peace of mind. Do you believe that you can have it? If you don’t, then start there, because if you don’t believe you can have it, then you will have a hard time holding it when it comes.
I am planting seeds of faith in the fertile soil of my subconscious. I can have the life of my dreams. It’s not a dream anymore. I can have it. I open my mind. I open my heart. I can have it. I can be the woman of my dreams. I have to be her. I am choosing to be her, no matter how hard it is. I will be humble. I will let all the pride fall off my shoulders. I will be vulnerable and kind and forgiving. I will allow myself to be seen and accept my power, no matter who thinks I’m weird or too much or too little or too whatever. I forgive myself, even if people want to hold on to resentments and throw spells at me and not like me or judge me or whatever. I am choosing to be quite all right with my beautiful self even right now. Even when I’m at my worst. Even when I’m at my best… I am tapping in to my brilliance and reaching out for helpers and lovers and support. I am seeing who is friend and who is foe and I am choosing to not even mad at the foes, but just recognize what the relationship dynamics are and make choices accordingly. That’s it. There is no giving up on me anymore. Nope. I am going to be my own hero, but that doesn’t mean that I have to do this alone. It means I’m going to find people who can journey with me when I need it and I’m going to find people who I can give love to as well, because that’s a part of it.
It’s time to stand up. It’s time to save my life… Ameen.
Day 461
100 Percent
Can I pour my heart out to you?
I just want to pour my heart out for a minute. I just did something so wonderful. Oh, it’s a really small thing, but it feels so good. I Loved someone today. I gave someone Love and kindness when I could have been very mean to her. My heart is overflowing right now. I am so grateful to be alive and to be a grown-up and to finally be healing and living…
So, I’ll start with this morning. I went to bed super early. Around 8:30. And so I woke up super early. Around 2:30a. I did all the stuff I love to do when I’m alone. I prayed. I meditated. I planned out my day. I wrote in my journal. I read my daily quote from this new love book I’m reading, read a few pages from my Oneness book (which I read over and over again), read a few pages from Think and Grow Rich (which I’m reading/studying for the first time), and then I listened to a recording from this online course I’m taking about Feminine Power and stretched while I was listening to the recording.
I know. I’m doing a lot. What I’m really doing, though, is building a foundation for my new life. I thought this blog was about how not to cry every day – me just trying not to be sad. But what it has become is a journey towards self actualization. It has become a grand adventure to heal myself and live the fullest life that I can imagine. And so I have been taking the opportunity – before I become someone’s wife and before I become someone’s mother and before I go back out into the world and do any kind of work or contribute anything – I have been taking this opportunity to clean up my blessed act and get myself together and really become clear and strong about who I am and what I want to be doing with the rest of my time on this Earth.
So I’ve been reading a lot of books. And taking a lot of courses. And literally cleaning up my apartment and doing things to heal my body. And checking out what I think and what I believe. And working with my therapist friend so I can figure out why I have panic attacks at the most inconvenient of times. And getting used to my mind and my body at their functionality level now. And practicing forgiveness. And learning to be ok while sitting in this apartment without a gosh darn man and without anybody validating me from the outside. And I’ve been testing myself to see if I am ready for this world again. I’ve been trying to see if I can take a dance class till the end without stopping (I can’t yet). I’ve been trying to see how I deal with stress (my body still starts trembling everywhere). I’ve been seeing if I’ll die if I let a man close to my heart and let myself be vulnerable. I did and tadaa! I’m still here. Got my heart broken by My Kind and found out that I won’t die and I can actually do stuff in life even if I’m all by myself.
And it hasn’t been easy. In fact, it has been very, very hard. It is still very, very challenging for me to dust my boots off and take a step towards the destination of my dreams when there is absolutely no guarantee that I won’t try something and have a melt down or that my body won’t just give in when I think it’s supposed to work and people won’t be looking at me all crazy or that I won’t meet some fabulous guy and fall head over heels only to have him leave me or betray me or tell me that, actually, he really doesn’t want to be with me, but I have a big booty, though… smh… It has been hard to not have the kinds of friendships and relationships that fill you to overflowing when I know that these kinds of things are possible. At least in my mind they are. It has been lonely, and there have been moments when I have wanted to curse God and ask him why he made my heart so big if there is no one who will receive the fullness of my love and see me for who I truly am? If there is no one strong enough or deep enough to put their arms around me that I may know that I am safe…
It’s been hard, y’all. But today, a little thing happened that was so sweet. So, I started this course on feminine power, and at the beginning of the course, we have to set an intention about what we want to create. The teacher gives eight life categories (they happen to be similar to the eight life categories that I learned in my last course) and you pick one or two to focus on in the course. I picked relationships and career/prosperity. Other possible categories were health, deepest desires, spiritual connection, legacy, fulfilling your calling, and authentic experience of self. The teacher takes you through this meditation to help you discern which category is resonating and calling for attention the most. So after we pick our categories, we go through all these exercises, and eventually, we define what we would like to experience, express, create, and contribute in our category, and we write a statement about our intention.
Then we examine what our life pattern is in relationship to our category. For example, my pattern in relationships has been: I meet some fabulous guy. He pursues me. I play hard to get. The minute I open up to him/make myself vulnerable/tell him I love him/do something kind or giving to him, he becomes unavailable. Leaves. Disappears. Starts being mean or holding back. OR I meet some fabulous guy and he doesn’t even consider giving me the time of day and instead gets with some girl he doesn’t like. OR I meet some fabulous guy and of course he’s going through a divorce or just lost his house or has some woman(en) that he’s trying to cheat on.. In other words, He’s unavailable. And then men who I never want to be with ask me to marry them every year… So that’s my pattern. Don’t judge. I’m not proud of it, but I had to tell myself the truth so I could find the place where I can grow.
After you find out your pattern, she takes you through an exercise where you find the belief that you have about yourself, the other, and the world, which may have been causing or validating this pattern. My deep rooted belief was that I’m not wanted, men are liars, and I can never trust anyone and let them see my true self. Then you look to see where your behaviors have been validating and creating experiences that reinforce the belief you have. What I had been doing with men, is that the minute they act like they want me, I reject them. Shoot them down without a thought. Second nature. If I really like a guy, I’ll frown at him and be really guarded. It’s so silly when I think of it. And I’ll be so mean and judgemental and punitive when a guy has a flaw that he will never feel safe telling me the truth about things I may not like. 
I took responsibility for my behaviors, because those are things that I can change. I can actually open up instead of frowning when I like a guy and he likes me. I can accept his gifts and let myself feel wanted. I can not try and punish people the minute they do the smallest things. I can be kind – but I’m getting ahead of myself.
So in the course, after we identify our behavior patterns, she takes us through this lovely meditation where we unite the part of us that holds the damaging belief with the part of us that is strong and wise. We tell ourselves the truth about ourselves. I belong and I am wanted and valuable… The exercise was just lovely. And then we start to change our behaviors and show up differently in the world from a foundation of the new truth seed that we have just planted.
So anyway, one of the things that I wanted to contribute in my relationships was that I wanted to be able to create a space where people can feel safe to be and share their true selves, flaws and all. I wanted to contribute nourishing love and comfort and support to someone.
And this morning – There’s this young woman that I order health products from online. She’s super ghetto and her life is a mess. She has a crazy live-in boyfriend that she calls her husband, even though they never got married, and two children. She about 27 years old. She’s beautiful and hardworking and every now and then when I see her post stupid stuff online, like “I want to be a polygamist” or “women are supposed to serve their man” right after her boyfriend has posted some abusive rant, I want to snatch her up and hold her. And break her boyfriend’s knees.
Her products are great, but her customer service sucks. Recently, I made a large order from her. I asked her if she was sure about the delivery date in advance and she promised that I would have my products by a certain date. On the date I was supposed to get them, she sent out a fake shipping notice, but never shipped the items. A week after I was supposed to receive my items, I told her that if she hadn’t shipped them, I want a refund. She broke down. Told me about her life. She was struggling. Had fled her house. Was going through a divorce with her non-husband. Her business wasn’t doing well. My mean self wanted to give her a lecture about how we still need our products and we all have problems, but I didn’t lecture her. I don’t know why. At some point, I got my order, but it was incomplete. -_-
So this morning I was messenging her about my incomplete order, and I also wanted to order some other products from her. I placed the order, and she thanked me for continuing to patronize her even though she had such poor customer service. And I thought about it. I thought about lecturing her about her poor customer service. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I told her how great her products were. I told her how many of my friends I had gifted with her products when they couldn’t find any other products that worked. I told her how her products had helped me so much. I told her that I knew that sooner than later, she would get her customer service act together. And I told her that she was valuable. I told her that she was treasured. It was what she needed to hear. I know it. And I was so glad to be able to say it to her. I was so glad to be able to use my heart and contribute Love and Kindness…
It’s been a good day so far. My heart was just so full that I had to share. Thank you, God, for blessing me with such a sweet moment. Thank you, me, for being such a sweet thing.
Have a good day, y’all.
Ameen.
Day 460
A Sweet Thang
My flight leaves first thing in the morning. Back to LA.
Heartbroken. The people who love me are here in the south… Heartbroken.
My Kind is still over there, separate from me, holding resentments, keeping his distance and saying everything is “fine”. My neighbor still hasn’t said sorry for using the spare key that I gave him to come up in my house and take the airbed he had let me use without telling me, only for me to come home at night and find no bed to sleep on and for him to text me saying, “Why you trippin’ ma? You got everything you need.”
My life in Cali is pretty lonely. I am by myself over there. And I have friends and family there, but the quality of my relationships there is much different than the quality of my relationships here. My relationships here are open and free and authentic and sincere and honest and so Loving. There is no such thing as holding resentments and being fake. We just get mad at each other, tell each other what’s wrong, fight each other, say sorry, and then get over it over here.
So. I am going back there, though, because Lord You keep telling me to go back to that God forsaken town and finish what I started. Lord, Lord, Lord…
Someone asked me to marry him. An old friend who I haven’t seen in ten years. He remembered so many things from our youth. To hear him tell it, I was an awesome woman. I was really nice and kind to him and he remembers everything I did. He said I used to sing him songs when he was sad. I remember… It seems like lifetimes ago. I said no. I told him I wouldn’t marry him. I don’t know why. I just didn’t want to, to be honest. I don’t like the fact that he loans his family money and keeps tabs on every penny. Or the fact that he was really concerned about what kind of car I drive and what neighborhood I live in in Cali… I just didn’t want to marry him, to be honest. The reason doesn’t even matter. Something in me knows that I wouldn’t have a happy life with him. I see a headache when I think of him and handcuffs. Even though we have awesome chemistry, the thought of being his woman does not excite me in any form or fashion…
If I may tell the truth, I’m kind of stuck on My Kind. I’m stuck on everyone who doesn’t want me, aren’t I? Something in me doesn’t want to get over him. He’s not so extraordinary. It’s just that I really Loved him a lot. He was good enough… A strange thing is happening to me. There will always be better men than the one you have. There will always be better friendships and deeper bonds. But sometimes, you find something you want to hold on to. It’s good enough. It’ll do. It’s tough for me to be so far away from him. It’s tough for me to be going back to Cali tomorrow, so far away from my mom and my brother who stays up till the morning talking to me… It’s tough for me to be starting life on my own.
And it feels like I’m starting life on my own. It feels like I’m starting life again. Starting over again. This is different than all the other times. This time, things are on purpose. I see what I’m doing. I know what I’ve been doing – being caught up in a cacophony of relationships, avoiding doing the things I’m here to do. This time, I know that entertaining my friend’s marriage proposal is a trap. I even know that letting go of My Kind and really letting go of all my dysfunctional relationships and/or demanding that they change is the act of faith that is necessary to move forward… I wanted to hold onto something, God. I’m just a little tired of temporary relationships. I wanted to hold onto something. Do you understand why it’s so hard for me to let go of My Kind? For the first time in a long time, I met a man that I wanted to hold onto, and I thought he wanted to hold onto me, too. I still think he does, even though he’s not acting like it. I know his heart is pure and golden. He’s just confused about a lot of things…
But let him go I must, You say. So… OK. OK. OK… This time, I can see all the fears in my mind as I embark on the greatest adventure of my life – the trek towards living my destiny. I hear the voices telling me how lonely I will be and how hard LA is and how I won’t be able to do things on my own. I hear them telling me that something’s wrong with me and I don’t know how to pick a good man and I’m too picky and no one will ever understand me. I hear them saying that all the men and other people who I didn’t give what they want are against me and trying to sabotage me. I hear them saying that I’m crazy and this whole thing about having a destiny and a purpose and a mission in life is hogwash. I hear them telling me to just give up these grandiose dreams and just do normal stuff. I am too old, the voices say. Compromise, the voices say. I could get My Kind’s interest if I played women games, tricked him and acted like I really thought that him only giving me 5% or less of the love he could give was good enough for me.
I hear the voices… They are all lies. They are lies. They are lies. I do believe that if I want to make it through this time in my life… If I am going to go back to this city of angels and do what my good Lord has sent me here to do, then I’m going to have to Queen up. I’m going to have to look all these voices in the eye and call them Godforsaken liars, even though I have no evidence that anything else is true for my life. Even though I have no evidence that I can create the kind of life I want all by myself, I’m going to have to step out into the world and get to the business of creating.
OK. OK God. Patience, integrity, passion, peace, acceptance, power. Kindness. We will cultivate these qualities. We must learn how to see past the voices of our past and lean into the Truth of who we really are… Is it true, God, that in this moment I can begin again?
Is it true that I don’t have to listen to any of those old voices? I can choose to have faith? Is this what faith is? I do believe that this is what faith is. I’m not stopping. For the first time in a long time, I’m committed to something – myself. I am committed to living the life that I am here to live – I am very clear about what that life looks like. I am committed to being a powerhouse of Love and Light on this planet. I am committed to the evolution and the transformation of my life. That’s it. Final answer. I don’t care how scared or sad or hurt I get. I am committed to moving forward, God and I ask for Your Grace and Guidance as I take one step at a time towards freedom. I accept your Grace and Guidance as I take one step at a time.
One step at at time. And so it is.
Ameen.
Day 459
On Queening Up (One Step At A Time)
Can I tell you what I love most about visiting family? The kids. My nieces and nephews. They are so innocent and loving. They make me forget about the cold life in LA.
I’m in the dining room at my sister’s place down South. My older sister. It’s 1:03am and everyone else is sleeping. And my niece just came downstairs to check on her clothes that’s in the dryer. She saw me, but she didn’t say anything. She just looked at me and smiled the sweetest, most loving smile. Unguarded, trusting, loving. So beautiful.
Are the children the only ones who can do this thing? Love so openly? Share so freely? Say sorry when they hurt you and move forward with Love? My family has some deep, Loving souls in it. They’ll heal you with just one smile. This is the kind of Love I’ve been hungry for. Does it only happen in families? Can friends and lovers be like this, too? I’ve been missing this kind of love: filling like Southern food. Unpretentious. Forgiving. Accepting. Open. Honest. Strong. Backed by action. Intentional. This is what I got from my mamma. I learned how to Love.
We haven’t always seen eye to eye on a lot of things, and we still don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and her love has often come accompanied with manipulation and control (stemming from her fears). But underneath everything, there has always been this deep thing going on, this wonderfully deep Love.
Happy New Year. I came down South five days ago so I could spend the new year with my mom. I’ll be back in LA by the end of the week. I haven’t been here in two years. This city. This state. This environment that shaped my formative years. I am far away from where I came from in every possible way. My mom is very involved in the religion that I grew up in. She volunteers at the worship center, takes classes about the religion, does all the prayers, studies the holy book, listens to religious songs and speeches all day, and mostly makes every conversation a lesson about religion. I can’t even get mad at her. I guess I’m becoming the same way. I just have a different religion now.
What can I write about? I don’t have much to talk about. Just complaints and gossip. I fell out with My Kind again. This time because he didn’t ask how I was getting to the airport for this trip and he didn’t see me the night before I left, even though I wanted to see him. I realize that everyone doesn’t do these things, but when I’m with my family, we do these things. We never take taxis or buses to the airport. There is always some family member dropping us off and wishing us farewell. There is usually some family member with us the night before our trip helping us pack. Every family is not like this. Everyone is not like this. I get it. But why not? Why must we live our lives so cold and so alone? I got mad at My Kind because he used to be like my family. I got mad at him because he thought of taking me to the airport and coming over to help me pack, but instead he booked his entire night up and made sure he spend the night somewhere else, just so he could defend himself in case he asked to come and hang out with me and I said no. I got mad at him because he has been withholding so much love from me lately, and when I confront him about it, he acts like nothing’s going on. The sad thing is, I don’t even think he’s aware that anything is going on… Sigh…
I read this in Michael Bernard Beckwith’s book called Life Visioning: “Many relationships remain in seed form; they don’t sprout when there is detached withholding, withdrawal, manipulation, or control.” My Kind is withholding much from me and he has withdrawn from me. And I could play the woman game and get him back, but not without being out of integrity with myself. I could pretend like it’s ok with me to have bullshit superficial relationships, and it is ok with me in some instances to have bullshit superficial relationships, but with him? No. It’s not ok. I Love him. Even if the way we relate to each other changes, it’s not ok for me not to love him. But I have no control over him loving me, and if he chooses to hold back love from me, if he chooses to betray his own heart, there’s not much I can do, is there God?
So what is there to write about in this new year? Besides sad stuff? I kind of want to write about sad stuff because so often we run away from sad stuff. We don’t want to hear about it. We don’t want to deal with it. We just want to leave our pain and resentments and sadness festering beneath the surface and run off to some busyness, as if the sad stuff goes away just because we don’t look at it. It doesn’t go away. It doesn’t. It just grows and grows until it affects your posture and it takes away the light in your eyes. It stays in you until your hair starts falling out and your muscles start hurting from being so tight and guarded all the time. It weighs on your feet and makes it so hard for you to move forward. The sad stuff doesn’t go away until you deal with and heal it.
And everybody doesn’t do this kind of thing. I get it. Everybody doesn’t care about healing everything. Everybody doesn’t care about going deep and mending relationships. Or at least parting ways with the energy of Love. Everybody isn’t as affected by things as I am. But I am affected by things. And I do care about healing everything. Somehow it seems necessary for me.
-People will not understand the urgency. People will not see you as you are. They will not understand why I’m up late at night writing a blog instead of going to sleep. Because I need to get free. You understand? These sad things are like hooks in my back, weighing down my wings, and I need to get free. I need to fly now. I need to get free, you understand? It is not a want any more. It is not a namby pamby wish. It is a need. It is the only thing that sets my soul on fire – the thought of being free. The thought of walking the Earth without these heavy, sad things weighing me down. The thought of smiling just like my niece did tonight and sharing my world so innocently and purely.
And I don’t want to say everyone is wrong. I don’t want call everyone bad and blame everyone, you understand? I just don’t want to anymore. Everyone is doing the best they can, and we are all blind in our own ways. I want to forgive everyone. I just want to. I don’t want to hold anyone hostage to my thoughts anymore. I want to be free. I want to see things as they are. I want each day to be a true new day, not colored by the hurts and fears of my past.
You say it is time today. We have done much work, but this is the big one. It is time now to be free. We can do it today. We’ve been building up to this our whole life. We can make this moment the moment we are free. Look at the sad things. Just look at them. Don’t run from them anymore. They are hooks in your back. Unhinge them. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Tell the truth and forgive. It’s time now. You see, you have come here on a mission. It’s not the same as everyone else’s mission. But your mission, baby, it requires a clean heart. It requires a vessel healed enough to host all the Love and Light that is your gift.
It is time to stand up tall and with all the strength in your heart, let all that shit go. Pull the hooks out. Let. That. Shit. Go. Get rid of the judgements. Do life different now. You know how. You know how, mamma. Let others live their paths and love them. Love them. Love them. Love them. Let your powerful word be laced with kindness always. It is time to be yourself now. You are ready. Straighten up your back, meet the world with your heart, and set yourself free… Set yourself free. Set yourself free…
Ameen.
Day 458
Freedom Songs (On Facing Sadness)
The sun came out today…
I’ve been in a vortex, a sad place for almost a month now. Hard to get off my couch. Used to be the bed. I have a couch now that calls me and pins me down when I am feeling sad. I was doing so very well, and then the first thing that happened is that my class at my spiritual center ended.
I was loving that class so much: the people, the stuff I was learning, the practices that were blowing my mind and making magic happen. And then it ended. The class was over. The daily practices that were having me so in tune with everything were over. The people were gone.
And I was by myself. While taking the class, I met such amazing men. The men in my life are always a sign of how my life is changing. I promise you, throughout the years, it’s like vortexes open up. I meet certain “kinds” of men, and I find that they usually reflect where I’m at and what I want in my life. The funny thing is, before meeting these “kinds” of men, it’s like I never knew they existed in the world…
When I was younger, I used to meet the bad boys. Ex cons, drug dealers, drug users, cheaters, gangsters… They were my introduction to men. And I thought that men were like that. My dad was a “bad boy”, a cheater and psychologically abusive manipulator of my mom, so I thought that’s just how men were… But then I got out of the bad boy vortex and I met super square guys. Guys who came from two parent households and had never been traumatized in their life. What a world. And along the way, there have been all kinds of men. The youngees, the oldies, the fabulous ones, the rich and famous ones, the powerful ones, the powerless ones, the ones who are living their dreams, the ones who have given up on their dreams, the ones who never tried… Men have been my doorway into the inner workings of the world. I’m not ashamed of it. Call me a whore. Or a Love addict. Or whatever you will. It’s all right. I’m just a woman trying to figure this thing out like all of us and men, and my relationships with them, have been my greatest teachers.
So a new wave of men came my way while I was doing the class at my spiritual class. The thing that they all had in common is that they seemed to be intentional, meaning, they seemed to be the kind of men who look at a situation and say something like, “I want to create a loving kind relationship” and then go about the business of creating things in their lives. They seemed brave. The one man who a decided to journey with for a while was named Phillip. He gets a real name. He was Super Fine. Tall, in tip-top shape, confident yet humble, discerning, intentional… I thought he was gonna be the one, but after a few weeks, he told me that he wasn’t ready to build a relationship with anyone. He had just gotten out of a very painful relationship and was going through a custody battle with his ex, and he just wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to hurt me, he said, and he left my life.
And I looked around, and no one was here. It was just me. My Kind was still around, but My Kind is the opposite of intentional, and he’d just be checking in with me waiting for me to tell him what to do while drifting further and further away from me energetically… I was alone.
I was so alone. A woman alone in the world. I admit, I have had worse problems before, but this loneliness – well, I hadn’t felt such loneliness since I was a preteen telling my mom that I had no friends… I had no friends. I had no man. And I had family, but I wasn’t living life with any of them, nor did I want to jump into any of their vortexes at the time. It seems like we all live in these different worlds. But here I was, in my own world. A world of deep sadness.
My first thought was to run: find a friend. Find a man. Find something to get into. I didn’t want to feel the feelings I was feeling. They felt so bad. I didn’t want to think the thoughts I was thinking. I was so mad at men. I was so disappointed. I was mad at the whole world. I was mad at the way so few people really love each, when we all say we want love. I was mad at the assholes who didn’t follow their hearts and compromised their true desires so much. My mom called to yell at me about working a job I said I wasn’t going to work, and I was mad at her for not knowing how to just love without trying to control… I was mad at myself for being here by myself with so few authentic connections. How could a deep, sensitive girl like me be in the world with no one to hold? With no one who knew how to hold her and touch her heart and soul.
I went against my first thought and decided not to run from my feelings. Much of my life had been created in response to me running away from my feelings: trying not to feel sad, trying not to feel lonely, trying not to cry every day. I had learned all this stuff in my spiritual class, and one of things we were taught is to embrace our darkest nights until we can see what the gift in them is.
So I embraced it. I embraced my sad, sad sadness. And I let myself think all the thoughts that I had been avoiding for so long. I dealt with it. I dealt with my anger towards my mom. I dealt with my brother betraying me so, so long ago. I had been holding on to my anger and pain from that for so long, and therein was the seed. Therein was the seed that formed the foundation for the relationships I have had with men for so long. Most of my relationships with men have been so similar to the relationship that I had with my brother: deep deep connecting and joy followed by unexplained abandonment and betrayal and finalized by blaming me for messing everything up because I was bad… I dealt with all of the things that I believed about single women my age, all of the things that I believed about women in general: that we were weak, that we weren’t supposed to do anything in life unless we were tied to the hips of a man. I even was lead to read a chapter from the spiritual book that I grew up with, and I read the verse that said that I was a bad person, and impure: another seed deeply planted in me. The belief that was bad and not pure… Nobody knows these things about me. They think I have it all together. Nobody knows that going deep and seeing all that is within you, well.. it can knock your socks off sometimes.
I looked back at my brother and I saw the ways I had harmed him all this time. In defense of my own self, I had always treated him like he was a nobody. I had always acted like he was stupid and like he wasn’t a good person and, by extension, I had treated most of the men I’d been with the same way. There it was. There was the erroneous behavior pattern that had been sabotaging many of my most sacred relationships. I found it in the middle of my dry heaving and tears…
Today the sun came out. I wrote forgiveness statements to my brother and so many others. I forgave myself. Everyone won’t understand this process that I’m going through. People will have their judgements and everyone won’t be willing to forgive me and move on… But I forgave myself.
And the tears stopped. Not because I ran away from them. Not because I pretended like I didn’t feel what I felt: of course I want to Love and be Loved. Who doesn’t? The tears stopped because I cried them all. Finally. I cried them all.
And after I had cried and cried, I made a decision. I decided to name myself pure and good and worthy of a greater Love than I have ever imagined. I know. This is the stuff of fairy tales and self-help books. I know that I don’t really know anyone who has the kind of Love that I want for myself. I know. Relationships ain’t shit. I know. But I also know that that’s not the whole story. I know that there are so many kinds of experiences that I have never even imagined I could have. I know this from my experiences with men. There are all kinds of people in the world… And I believe, God. I believe in the promise of a grand, glorious, wonderful life and Love, and I’m holding on to that promise until it unfolds as my reality. And I’m gonna help others hold on to their deepest heart’s desires. I’m in it to win it…
Yesterday, my baby niece told her mom to Facetime me. And I saw my two little buddies, my two-year-old niece and four-year-old nephew. They made my day. I Love them so much and I do believe they love me, too.
Today I went out into the world. I went to a car auction. I was the only woman there, and there were all these rough looking men in mechanic suits with long hair and full grown beards and scruffy clothes. I was dressed just about as natural as I could be: ghetto with a faux name brand hoodie, tight jeans, a spaghetti strap shirt and old lady tennis shoes. My hair wasn’t combed and it was in a super natural tomboy style. I had some fake gold hoop earrings on and my glasses. It was me. The way I was dressed today represented exactly who I really am, and for some reason I wasn’t nervous. I was over being nervous. I just wanted to buy a cheap car so that I could sell it and double or triple or multiply my investment exponentially… And strange thing happened. As I walked into the auction, the men greeted me with their eyes. It was like gangsters acknowledging another gangster. I felt respected. And when the auction started, and I started to bid, a few men advised me on which cars I shouldn’t bid on (I had come too late to go inspect the cars myself). “That one doesn’t start up,” they told me. “This one has a bad engine.” I left the auction before it was over, and the auctioneer stopped his auctioning to make a joke with me about leaving and tell me he was glad I came. “I hope you come back,” he said…
Later, I went to the grocery store, and I saw this sweet looking tall guy smiling at me. He was so handsome. He spoke with an accent and asked me how my day was. I spoke with a smile and told him my day was good. I resisted the urge to ask him to marry me immediately. lol. Instead I went about my way, thankful, God, for the hope and the signs that you give me.
I am woman, but I can be OK in a world of men. Men can be supportive and bringers of good news. That is what I learned today. I don’t have to act like I don’t want a man. Of course I want a man. But I can be patient. I’m being patient. I’ve had enough good times tied to the hip of some man. I can be patient now and wait for the man who is ready, willing, and able to breathe life into a Queen…. In the meantime, I’m going Queen up. At my own pace. Deal with myself. Heal everything. Heal everything. Can’t keep walking with all of these wounds like weights around my feet. Heal everything. These are freedom songs. Heal everything. It was Love that You sent me for. I know it. Heal everything. Let my big, strong Loving heart be free to thrive at last… Heal everything…
I’m gonna keep on, God. I’m committed. I’m gonna keeping on being me. I’m gonna keep on getting stronger. I’m gonna keep on moving forward. I’m going to keep on practicing all of the wonderful things you are teaching me. I’m not giving up on me. I’m not giving up on the promise to fulfill this destiny of mine. I’m encouraged. And I am grateful.
Thank you so much.
Ameen.
Day 457
In A World Of Men (Heal Everything)
Hey.
I just wrote a blog and deleted it. It was about men and magic. I was talking about My Kind and how he had taught me that men can be kind and caring and how we are finally ending our “more than friends, but not friends with benefits but less than dating” relationship. It’s time, but it’s tough to let him go. I know… I know. I could have married him, though. I could have.
I know… We don’t have the same values. We don’t have the same interests. We don’t want to grow in the same direction in our lives. Not right now. But his heart – his heart did my heart some good. He managed to break through all my walls and open up a door of kindness and compassion in me. He saw me. He saw the very best in me, even though I was so low when he met me. He was always happy to see me. He gave me gifts that I needed; gifts that I didn’t ask for. He didn’t hang up the phone on me or disappear when he got upset. He was kind. He didn’t try to control me or ask me to be anything but what I wanted to be. He asked me if I had eaten and shared food with me and bought food for me. He held me when I was angry instead of yelling at me or insulting me or pushing me away. He opened car doors and carried backpacks and took out trash. He didn’t sit around, knowing I was sinking, and not lend me a hand. He went to the park with me, even though he hates parks… And this morning we had an argument. He had done some silly stuff… Actually what he had done was kind of foul if you think about it too long… But he didn’t know what he was doing. And that’s the sad part. That’s the deal-breaker, isn’t it? It is in his nature to be honest and kind and sweet, but he is not always in integrity with his nature, and at this moment in his life, he’s not interested in being in integrity with his true nature…
I Love him still. I just Love him. I’m tired of not loving people who I really Love. I Love him. That’s it.
But we won’t be moving forward with a romance. And it’s the end of my companion. He’s been a part of my life for the past ten months. Can he change, you ask? Yes, he can. But he doesn’t really want to. Not right now. He might make some changes on behalf of trying to keep me, but it won’t be authentic… God, tell me what to do. You say I already know…
I know that if I really want to be this sacred woman and I really want to do all this work I want to do in the world and I really want my emotions to be stable and I really want to feel safe in the world and I really want to nurture a connection with my deepest Spiritual self and I really want to live in a clean environment and be disciplined and make progress… I know that if living a life of excellence is important to me, I know that if living my Divine destiny is important to me, then being partnered with him is not the move… He’s not on the same page as me right now. I know this. But I’m gonna miss him, Allah… I have let go of a lot of people in my life. I want to keep people now. You understand? I know that everything is not good for me and I don’t need to be involved with everyone, but I’ve let go of so much. I’ve let go of so much… It hasn’t been easy to let go of so much in such a short amount of time… Do You understand that I’m a human, too, and I’m loyal? And I miss the good parts. I miss the good parts of my friends and my exes, even though they may have been assholes… And I don’t want to just give up on people, because there were people – terribly flawed people – who didn’t give up on me when I was at my worst and who saw me through until I could get to a place where I’m not crying everyday anymore and I’m feeling like living now…
I miss the connections that I had with the people who have seen me at my worst and stuck with me and championed and encouraged me… My Kind has been there for me. He has been a very important part of my life. And I know there are better men. I know there are men who are more compatible with me. But there will always be better men. There will always be people who are more compatible. Sometimes you just want to stick with a thing. Can you believe I’m saying this? Sometimes you just want to stick with someone, flaws and all. Sometimes you decide that someone is good enough, and that’s all there is to it. And My Kind is good enough… but he is prone to doing such silly, dangerous things; things that can really cause serious damage to himself and the people involved with him. And if I stick with him, he will cause me some collateral damage. I know. He’s not ready. He’s not ready to hold a woman’s heart in his hands. He said it himself. I might as well believe him, ‘cus it’s true.
I hate fighting with him. I really hate fighting with him. Can you believe it? Me. I actually hate fighting with someone. A change has finally come…
He will come around one day. One day, he will want nothing else but to be in integrity with his true self, and he will be such an awesome man. He is such an awesome man. But today… Well, today, he’s just not there yet. And being with me is not gonna get him there. Being with me is going to keep him comfortable and stagnant and blind about the areas he wants to grow in… I know. My time is up, isn’t it? My task is up. His task with me is up. He has taught me about Love and Compassion and he has helped me to know, experientially, that men can be kind. I am grateful. I hope that I have shared something good with him and made his life a little better. You say that I have.
Can he be my last boyfriend, though? The last man I date? I want him to be my last boyfriend. I want the next man to be my husband, and so I will make wiser choices. I will talk to You before taking action with the new dudes. And can I still Love him? Can I still Love the people from my past and still talk to them and connect with them from time to time even though I am moving on to new stuff? I Love them so much, Allah. I really do. Can I meet and marry someone who is OK with me being me and ok with me Loving whoever I want to my heart’s content? I will be respectful. I know now. I know how to make a safe space for a man now…
The men who are knocking on my door these days are ridiculously amazing. They are so Loving… They are so Loving, Allah. I didn’t know that these kinds of people existed in the world. They are so Loving and kind and strong and brave… Lift me up, please. Lift me up. This new stuff is so much. It is so magical that it scares me sometimes. I don’t want to mess up anymore. I don’t want to mess up. Please protect me, Allah, as I step into this brand new world and this brand new way of living and being. I am such a little baby. I am so sensitive. No one knows how sensitive I really am. I feel everything so deeply, but I don’t want to close myself up anymore, because my sensitivity is my gift. It’s my gift. My big heart is my gift. I know this. Please help me as I throw myself wide open again.
I want to be wide open. I want to be wide open again. You understand? I don’t want to be broken or bitter or jaded. I want to be fully alive and open, but not stupid. Wise. Wise and discerning and powerful and kind and compassionate and joyful and giving and Loving… I want real Love. I want to be so good to someone and I want him to be so good to me. No more hurting each other. I actually want to stick with someone – someone awesome – through thick and thin and just be able to relax and know that I am safe in my Love. I want to rest in Love now. And I want to Live now. Not a fake life. Not a “get by” life. Not a life full of settling and compromise. I want to Live the life that I was sent here to Live. I want this more than anything. I want to give away my words and my books and my songs and my dance and my creativity and my deep Love and I want it to touch the Earth and make things better, not worse. I want to be true. Do you understand? Do you know how bad I want this? I want it more than anything else. I want to live with integrity more than anything else. It is time… It’s just time for me to live…. And I that I can have and be everything I want and more with Your Grace.
But You know that dealing with men and being in the world has knocked the beJesus out of me in the past and almost killed me. And I’m a little afraid of coming back to the world and being so open and vulnerable, and so I’m asking you, Allah, to please keep me safe. Please help me to be wise. Please protect me. When I am Loving, I haven’t always been able to see the bad things in the world… My whole body is tingling right now. As I’m coming back to the world of men and the world of work, please keep me away from assholes. Show me how to stand up for myself and still be Loving. Help me to activate my brilliance, please. Please send people my way who will walk with me and hold my hand, and if no one is here to walk with me at the time, then please give me the strength and faith to get up and keep moving forward when I am on my own. I know I am a magic lady and people will not understand me or my way of life and they will judge me and not know that I am good and that I have good intentions. Please help me to be able to Love and accept myself and be happy and forgiving and kind with myself even if I don’t have validation from the outside. Even if nobody really likes me or approves of me, please help me to approve of myself and like myself…
I am asking for Your help, Allah. I am petitioning all of the Angels and Guides and helpers and Lovers and family and whoever else gives a shit about me. I am petitioning my dead daddy and my friend who passed away, who loved me so much… Listen. I am endeavoring to live my Real life. I am ready now, you hear? I am ready now. I get it. I understand. I am ready and I am willing to move on to the next phase of my evolution. I get it. I understand what the alchemists taught. You have to change. It’s not your life that has to change, it’s you. You have to change and then you become the life you are seeking… I am committing to live my Real life: bold and powerful and loving and kind and magical and unapologetic, and yes, I have changed. Look. I don’t even like being mean anymore. I have changed… And so I’m ready for this new stuff. I know that I’m setting myself up for some massive growth. I know that I have absolutely no idea about what’s going to happen now. I know that I won’t feel like I’m in control of everything any more and I have to be ok with that. And I’m ok with that. But I’m gonna need You to help me, ok. I don’t even know what I need help with, but You know. Help me. Help me be my True self. When the fear and the doubt tries to take me over and has me paralyzed and afraid to move, help me to remember the Truth, please. And when I know what the right move is, but don’t want to let go of something I loved, help me to make the right move anyway. And when I am feeling alone and misunderstood or when I make a mistake and I can’t see the future, help me to get up and move forward anyway. Help me to value myself and do the things that I know are good for me and the things that I know are good for other people. Help me to think about how my actions affect others before I just say or do any old thing… Help me gather all of these lessons that I’ve learned over this time and make a powerful, beautiful life out of it. Help me be a Blessing in this world. Help me to anchor compassion on this Earth… I’ll stop writing so much now.
Thank You, Allah. I’m going to get up now and eat some food. You say the men aren’t going to break me this time. You are cosigning on my readiness. You say that now, now that I am ready, it is time to truly practice using my will. Don’t be afraid of the magic that is happening. Don’t be afraid of how quickly your prayers are answered. You’re not a bad person. You are a person who is learning to align her will with the will of the Universe, and life moves much quicker when you are in alignment. No more words now. Get up and get on with your day.
Hmmm. Men. And Magic. And Stuff… Ameen.
Day 456
Men and Magic (And Stuff)
Good morning world. This is day two of a twenty-one day detox diet that I started. I have a cold. This is also the day that I come back to the world, after taking a five-week spiritual class and doing all sorts of inner work for the past month or so.
I have a cold. Now, I recognize that this cold is going to try and stop me from moving forward today. It wants me to go lie in the bed and call this day a bust. It wants me to not send out the emails I need to send out so that I can start working on a massive new project, and it wants me to not continue with this diet. It wants me to stay in the house and not get my vitamin D from the sun today. It wants me to not write this blog and to not connect with the world like I have been planning on doing today.
Well, guess what, cold? Not happening.
I’m looking at a box of Trader Joe’s Vanilla Sandwich Creme Cookies. They are so yummy. But I can’t eat them today. I can’t eat them for another 19 days. I can’t eat any sugar for another nineteen days. Let me say that again. I can’t eat any sugar for another 19 days. And, after my body goes through all its changes from this detox, I might not want my Trader Joe cookies anymore. Lawdamercy.
I’ve learned so much in this past month that I feel like I’m overfull. I’ve been taking in all of this knowledge and wisdom and Love… Well I’ll be. My Kind just called me and told me he’s leaving work early. Something’s going on in the atmosphere. Last week, My Kind called off work for two days and wanted to hang out with me both days. I think I’ll give him my Trader Joe cookies if I see him today. Keeping them in the house is too tempting.
Lord, what I’d like to do in this moment is become aware of my connection with You. I’d like to thank you for all of the changes that are happening in my life. Oh, everything looks the same from the outside, but on the inside… I am so good. I am so good, God, and I am so grateful. Something shifted in my head. I kind of feel like I have a new brain. And this time, when I come back to the world, it’s not because I want to get anything. It’s because I feel like I have something to offer. Yes, I want to experience real love. Yes, I want to know about money. But I already know about money. Isn’t it crazy? In my two+ years of being sick and out of work, I learned about money.
There’s not an emergency. You don’t have to go scrambling about, investing every ounce of your being into trying to think about how to make money. You will live. You will eat. Trust me. I know you don’t think you will. I know you have things and ways of living that you want to keep. I know you want your own things and you don’t want to have to ask anyone for anything, but what I’m trying to tell you is that there is a life beyond survival mode, and it is so rich, and it will compel you to dig deep and see what else there is to living once you stop worrying about money.
I was forced to stop worrying. I’ve had a job since I was fifteen years old, and I’ve always had my own money, but I was forced, through my sickness, to sit my butt down and stop with all the working for money. And I had to learn how to ask people for help when I needed it. And I had to learn how to be humble. And, because I was at the mercy of other people’s kindness, I learned what real kindness is. I learned what real Love is. I learned how to be there for another human being. I learned about how important it is to see the good potential in the ones you Love when they are at their worst. I had to learn where to find strength from when my body didn’t work and when I thought that I was a nothing. And I found it. I found the strength that had always been in me. I found the power that had always been in me. I found the Love that I had repressed for so long. And I saw all the broken parts of myself that I had been rejecting for so long: all of the pain, all of the disappointments, all of the ugly things. And I embraced them. “Oh you. You have been trying to tell me something all along. You have been trying to wake me up. You have been trying to bring me home…”
I feel like I have been through a beautiful, ugly, magnificent initiation. And now I am ready. Oh, can I tell you how sweet it feels to not hate anyone? Can I tell you how good it feels to forgive? It is the most freeing thing. And to be able to be in the present. I’ve always heard people say that, and I finally understand what it means. It means you can let go of your past, and when you become afraid of something based on your past experiences, you can say, “The past has no power over me” and be in the present, and choose how you want to show up in the present moment. For example, if you’re a woman like me who’s mostly had a bunch of bullshit relationships with guys, and you meet a handsome new guy who asks for your number, you don’t have to have a panic attack and act all weird because you are thinking about how handsome guys in your past crushed your heart. Under their shoe. Lol. You can say, “The past has no power over me” and stop projecting all of things you think might happen onto this new guy, and instead of freaking out, and instead of acting all defensive around him and playing games, you can choose, in the present moment to be open to the good that God has for you, and you choose to see him for exactly who he is.
These are miraculous things that I’ve been learning… I’m happy about them. I feel good enough now. Isn’t that a trip? I know I’ve always been good enough but I never felt like it until now…
I have stuff, you hear? Me. I have me to offer to the world. And that’s good enough, you hear? I know it now. And I don’t have to go around the world trying to be a helper bee and trying to make other people happy. All I have to do is be myself. Be honest. Be True to myself. And my ghetto attitude is going to resonate with someone who is only touched by that language. And my joy is going to give someone else the idea that it’s ok to be joyful even though life doesn’t look so good on the outside… This is the way we help each other. This is the way we are all united.
There comes a time when you must recognize that you are all right already. You, with all your scars and your secrets and your resentments and your self-loathing and your lies. Yes, you. Of course you will change. Of course you will grow. But right now, in this moment, there is a part of you that is good. It has always been there. It will always be there no matter how many layers you try to cover it up with. And that good part of you, well, that’s the real Essence of you. You can Love it right now. You can recognize, right now, that there is something about you which is good, and you can hold your own self in your own arms and nurture that innocent spark of light that lives in you. The rest will fall into place. Eventually you’ll start making changes. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Try Loving yourself. Just give it a try. Try telling yourself “I’m all right already.” You don’t have to live up to all of the world’s expectations to be able to smile. And you don’t have to let all the assholes who want to talk shit about you define who you are. Give yourself your own name. Call yourself all right. Even if you don’t believe it yet, consider the possibility that you’re a good person. Just consider it, and be willing to know it if it’s true… Forgive yourself, just like you forgive all those others… You can do that, you know. You’re all right already, baby. You’re all right…
Ameen.
Day 455
To Be All Right Already (Self Acceptance)
I’m really happy right now. I’m just going to write free form and let what comes out come out.
I feel like I’m in love. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been cheating on you. I have another journal. A journal that I write in my own handwriting in cursive. I have to keep it for this class I’ve been taking. I started taking a class at my spiritual center about a month ago. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
Foundations. The class is about foundations. And so is this blog.
The class is way more intense than I had anticipated. We have to read at least six chapters of information a week, plus we have to write a daily journal, pray every day, meditate every day, and do all of these activities that force us to explore the inner dimensions of our conscious and subconscious beliefs, thoughts and feelings. Then we have to do more work so that we can identify ways of being that are not in alignment with who we are becoming and change our ways of beings. What a concept…
I’ve been doing the work, though, for the past four weeks, but it takes about two to three hours a day to do this classwork. On top of that, everything else in my life has been changing rapidly. A recent flow of income has made it so that money is not one of my major worries anymore.
And my heart isn’t broken about anyone any more. And I’ve been making peace with the relationships in my life… And my health is much, much better. I had to change my whole life in order for my health to get better, and I am changing my whole life.
I don’t want to write a lecture or a sermon today. Earlier, I was thinking about the purpose of life. What is the purpose of life, anyway? I was praying about it. We live, we work, we die, but why? I remember being a little girl and pondering deeply about these things. I remember being teased because people always said I think too much. I always wanted to go deep with things and find out why things were and are the way they were and are… But today I came to something.
Some of us come here to help others find their way home, but before we can help anyone else, we have to find our own way. We have to understand. None of this may be true, but this is the story I am deciding to live with for my life.
I am sitting in the Writer’s Guild library in the middle of Los Angeles, California. I just had lunch with my good friend, the only real female friend I have in this town. On the streets, fellow dream seekers and dream catchers and dream makers are going about their business. They have interesting shoes and all kinds of hairstyles… This is no Hawaii with its clear blue skies. This is not Down South with its nice people and deeply rooted communities, but this place has its own beauty. This is a place where people come to dream and make their dreams come true.
This is a place full of brave souls who know how to whether storms…
I am sitting in the Writer’s Guild library, about to follow-up on an email for a job that just fell in my lap. I am about to do some research on how to write television shows… My belly is full. There are cute men everywhere. I am single and free and I like my life right now. I actually like my life for the first time in such a long time.
It feels like how I felt when I first came out here. Everything is ahead of me. Everything is possible. But I know more now. I am ready now. On the horizon, I see a new kind of experience beckoning me. It is easy. And I don’t mean that there’s no hard work. I mean it is easy because I can see where my hard work is taking me. Up and up and up and out and out and out and in and in and in and deeper and deeper and deeper. Beautiful secrets right in front of my face that I have yet to discover. I am excited about learning. I am exciting about demonstrating the things that I learn. I am excited about sharing and connecting with people. I am exciting about helping this world to be a better place in a real way. I am exciting about constantly evolving in a real way. Oh, I am excited about Love! In a real way.
On the horizon, I see Love. Real Love. Not just romantic love. Love between siblings. Love for my mom. Love for my work. Love for other sentient beings… And I see a man, too. And with him, love does not equal pain. Love equals Love. Love equals Trust. Love equals Integrity… Love does not mean that I have to make myself small and assume a new personality and stop going for my dreams and feel heavy all the time… On the horizon, there is an expansive Love. It is better than anything I can imagine… And oh, how I will Love! I know what that means now. I know what it is to Love now. Whoever it is that’s gonna wife me better get ready. He is going to be so full to overflowing with the Love I give him…
I know. It has taken me a while to get here. I forgive myself. I hope you forgive me too. I’m not going to say, “I had to go through this to get to that, and the reason such and such happened to me is so that I could learn such and such and let go of such and such”. I’m not going to try and explain away a whole life. All I can say is that I am grateful that my life thus far has been so full and delicious and that I have had so much drama that I can at least write five to ten books and movies just based on my life experiences… All I can say is that I am OK with being a single woman in her thirties with a huge, open heart and a big smile and bright eyes. I am OK with having a computer and a car and a little apartment in the middle of the big city. I am ok with having the mother and the siblings and the extended family that I have and I am ok with my friends, my inner circle of misfits, artists, angels, logic minds and crazy heads that walk through this life with me. I am ok with my amazing spiritual center and all of the lovely people there whom I have gotten to know in the past month…. I’m just ok with my life… I have everything I need. I have more than I ever thought I would have.
I have an inner realization that my life is a good life. I am OK. I am good. Do you understand? I am a good person. My life is a good life. I never knew that. I never understood that. I’ve been walking around with my head down for so long… I can look up now. I am OK. You have no idea how monumental this realization is for me. It changes everything. It changes every single blessed thing. To know that I am good… Wow. To know that I am good… Do you know what that means? If I am good, then that means that I deserve good things. It means that I can open my arms and accept all of these blessings that have been coming around me for so long… To know that I am good means to know that I can do good things. I no longer have to hide out in my apartment thinking that I have no value, thinking that I’m a nothing. I’m a good thing and I can share that with people now. I’m a good thing…
I can go on and on, but I just want to share this little piece. The lady sitting at the table across from me keeps staring at me. Yes, I am crying underneath my glasses. Do you want to cry, too? I am happy, my darling. These are tears of joy. I hope that you are happy, too, and if not, I will know this for you now… I know that you are good. In all of us, there is a spark of light. There is good in all of us… This is how I will rebuild my life. This is how I will build my new identity… With foundations of Truth… Ameen. Thank You, God. Ameen.
Day 454
To Know That You Are Good (Foundations)
hownottocryeveryday 