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Day 446 – Real Standards

July 27, 2016

Coming back to the center…

Sometimes there are so many things to write about. Energy strikes a chord with my spirit, and so I will write about that…

I am overwhelmed with gratitude right now. I am finally beginning to understand some things about life.

The funny and ironic thing is, the things that I’m finally beginning to understand are the things that I’ve known all along. Like energy. You walk into a room and you feel bad all of a sudden. You don’t know why, and since you can’t reason it out, you stay in a situation until ultimately you discover why your instinct told you to leave the room in the first place.

Everyone doesn’t feel energy as strongly as I do. I get it. But I have this system built in, that guides me. We all have this system, but I’m very aware of it and very in tune with it. And I have spent so long not listening to the Guidance within. And I am grateful today, because I am finally deciding to listen. Fully.

God, thank you for Your guidance. Your wild child rebel is turning into a praying holy roller. And I Love it. I Love every piece of it. I Love who I am becoming. I Love how I am becoming. I Love who I am. For the first time in my life. Thank you.

I have so many stories to tell. So much happens in a day, and I’m not even out in the world like that! What I would like to remember about this time in my life is that this is the time in my life that I decided that my relationships must be good. I decided that I am a good person and I’m only interested in welcoming harmonious, good relationships into my inner circle… And I decided to be good to the people who I’m traveling through life with.

And you know, as a kid, we knew what good relationships were. We knew. Don’t betray each other. Say sorry. Be a real friend or a real boyfriend or girlfriend. Be nice. Don’t keep secrets. Be loyal. Share things with each other and take care of each other if we are sick or hurt or just need help. Tell the truth to each other and forgive. And if someone does something wrong to the other, make it up. Give me a piece of candy and I’ll be your friend again. We knew how to be humans. We already know.

Journal, my relationships had become so painful, and now they’re not anymore. I was scared to let go of all the dysfunction, because I was scared that I wouldn’t have anyone else in my life, but I trusted You, God, and I let go of all the dysfunction. And guess what is happening? My friends are letting go of all the dysfunction, too, in their own time! They want to be happy, too. Nobody wants to carry all of these pains and all of these disappointments with them everywhere. We are just so afraid. We actually think we can control things in life, as if we couldn’t just die tomorrow, spend all our time trying to focus on what we think we can control, instead of focusing on what we want to do with our lives and how we really want to be while we are here and now.

Can I tell you what I am experiencing? A release. A release in my forehead. A release in the back of my head. A release in my shoulders. A profound understanding. A clearing of so much pain. A knowing that something major has shifted and life will never be the same again. A deep, abiding hope. It is possible to have a good life.

You see, my problem has never been life. I am good at life. I am good at surviving and getting jobs and all that material stuff. Relationships have been my issue. Relationships and issues surrounding them have been the thing that keeps me knocked out on the bed for days and weeks at a time. And I am finally understanding that I don’t have to fight people anymore. There is a difference between fighting and standing up for oneself.

If you stand up for yourself, if you set a tone from the beginning, if you tell anyone who comes your way, “Hey, if you want to hang out with me, you’re gonna have to be nice. You’re gonna have to see me and care about me,” then you will set a standard for your own life. But you have to know that some people won’t come around. They aren’t ready. Or they aren’t willing. And you have to be willing to take that loss, because if you bring them around, you are saying to yourself and to them and to the Universe that you are OK with being close to people who have no intention of being nice to you or caring for you or seeing you. And who wants that?

I want to thank you, Allah, for this day. For this moment. I have absolutely nothing, you understand? Nothing. Oh, but I am so thankful for the understanding that I am finally receiving. I know that from this place of understanding, from this reference point, where I get it. I finally understand that I’m worth something. But not only that. I finally understand that other people are worth something, too, and relationships are sacred contracts… I understand how deeply I need to Love and be Loved and I honor that. I understand that my very survival depends on me honoring the Truth about myself.

And I know that this understanding is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Because from here, anything I build on this foundation will be good. This is the very best time of my life, God. All this time, I should have just been following the Guidance You’ve been giving me. I’m sorry it took a stubborn woman like me so long to get things right, but I’m finally getting things right! I can take action from this place and trust that it will be fruitful. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You so much…

Like my nephew says after I tell him to go to his room for punishment and he comes back out, “I’m ready to listen.”

Day 446
Real Standards

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