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Day 445 – The Last Storm (Look Up)

July 18, 2016

And then the storm came.

For the past few weeks I have been right in the midst of it. But Lovers, do you want to hear about the storm? Or do you want to hear about the peace that comes after. What part are we on? Ah, yes. The Breath of Life.

So I will tell you of the storm. Briefly, terror came my way, in the form of people full of fear and pain, asking to be saved. Asking to be saved by me. In exchange for my help they offered betrayal, lies, disappointment, stones thrown, incessant demands, malice and jealousy. They saved their frowned faces and resentment for me and me alone.. It is all so boring and redundant. But for a moment it was real, and I was caught up in the storm, taking a beating for being kind, or so I thought…

One day, Spirit told me to go a certain place and I ran straight into My Kind and his girlfriend (or non-girlfriend depending on the day). He didn’t know what to do, so he introduced her to me…

Some of the people full of fear and pain had moved into my apartment, so I spent many days in my car crying my eyes out, sobbing, for things I thought had passed years ago. My first kiss, my first love, a man almost twice my age who made me feel like the most beautiful thing in the world and then, after kissing me, told me that he didn’t really want to be with me, and that he only kissed me because I reminded him of someone he really liked… I cried for My Kind, because he had brought my heart to life and showed me such Love and Kindness, but he didn’t choose me even though he wanted to, and I cried for so many men who hadn’t chosen me, even though they wanted to. They opted for women who they didn’t love. Safe, tame women who will never require that they be their full selves, women who only want for them to stay… But this will not fill you up, My Loves.

And I wonder why they did not choose me? Am I so difficult to love? They speak of me – The Love of Their Life, they call me. In their eyes, I am a gypsy, wild and free… I ask for too much, they say, although I don’t ask for anything… I don’t care about their money. I don’t care about where they are in life or where they live or what they drive. I don’t care about their age or what they look like, but they won’t believe. And they can’t understand.

What I care about is their soul. What I care about is their heart. What I want to know is if they will be brave enough to Love with arms wide open. Will they be man enough to let go of their wounds and fears? Will they dare to at least try to live the life they’ve dreamed of? Will they get over themselves and just be honest? And just be kind and good to one another? Is a smile too much to ask for? Is forgiveness too much? Do I really ask for too much, God?

Heartbreak is my kryptonite. It will knock me out for days, months, years on end. And for some days now, I have been full of tears. What am I doing wrong? Am I a thing that I can not see? Am I bad person and I do not know? Why am I so difficult to love? Should I bend, cow, be smaller, ask for less? Should I stop talking and don’t speak of my dreams or my past? Should I just say, “yes. OK. Thank you for being here. How can I serve?” Should I ignore all trespasses against my soul, against my womb, against by heart, against my mind? Should I pretend I do not see what I see?

Is this what we have become? Is this what it takes to be… Not loved, but coupled?

The storm was deep and ravishing this time…

Then one night, one of my sisters called me. Random. Middle of the night. She wanted to tell me that she had written me a song years ago. A song. Just for me. She had never told me about such a thing and I didn’t even know that this sister gave me much thought when I wasn’t in her presence. But that night, she sang me such a beautiful song. In it, it spoke of my bright eyes, and it spoke of how I had been looking down for some time. It encouraged me to look up. It encouraged to be bright in a world that can be bright… And it was all I needed.

I began to look up. Someone had seen me. Someone had seen my bright eyes and they had written me a song. I began to look up. I decided that I am not too difficult to Love. No. I fed myself with Love and songs and sunshine and I meant it. I broke my own spell. And this is the wonderful part – I stepped out of the storm all around me. I just stepped out of it. It was nonsense. It is nonsense. All this fear and pain is nonsense. Yes, we are all on our separate journeys and fear and pain is usually somewhere on the path, but what do you do with it? Just dwell in it forever?

I stepped out of the storm and I looked up at the blue-grey smoggy sky. The sun was still shining, even through this sky. I decided that I am who I am, and it’s not a curse, it’s a blessing. Yes, I’m not perfect. Yes, I have issues. But I’m not a bad person. It’s not even in me…

I broke up with My Kind. Yes, I have been constantly breaking up with men that I’m not even with. And what? I had conversations with the people in my apartment. My Neighbor called me (after being out of touch for over two months because I wanted to talk about his offenses against me) and asked me to do some stuff for him, and I said no. I am writing this all nonchalantly, but it all hurt deeply.

I cried every step of the way, especially when I broke up with My Kind. I Loved him, you see. I really did. He had a pure Heart full of Love and such a Kind way about him. And he was thoughtful and considerate. And I don’t know why he didn’t pick me. I can speculate…

It wasn’t because he didn’t love me more. It wasn’t because he didn’t like me more. It wasn’t even because he was trying to be loyal to his girlfriend. It might have been because he would have had to be his full self had he chosen me, and he wasn’t interested in that kind of pressure.

Whatever the reason he didn’t choose me, I had to open my hands and let him go. Because he didn’t choose me. And this is called faith. This is an intentional act. What is it, God? What do I have to do?

-You Let go of something that you wanted.


-Because it does not want you. And it is blocking the thing that wants you from coming your way.

But why did I love him so and want him if he didn’t want me?

-Did you really want him?

-This can be your last storm. You can master this part. You can make it out of this kind of experience. Now. Today. Never again to be repeated. There is no need to curse him. He Loved you. We all know this. He Blessed your beating heart and you inspired him to come alive again…

Shall We complete this journey, now? In between two worlds, You are. In hand are keys to the other side. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know. Know what you know. Rise up and be your full self. Free. Hold fast to me, Love. Hold fast to me. Rise up and let go of all that would bind you to the fog. Free… Free… Free… Here there is Love for you yet. Oh, there is Grace here for you yet. Look up to the Heavens, my Love. Look up… Look up… Your heart light as a feather… Look up. Let the pain fall off. Look up. Look up. Look up. Oh, it is such a brand new day. The storm is over, Love. Look up…


Day 445
The Last Storm (Look Up)

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