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Day 452 – The Somethings

September 24, 2016

Can I tell you something? One of, if not my favorite thing to do is pray and meditate and read spiritual books. I know. Weirdo. I Love it so much.

I can go deep inside myself and really be really honest and see what’s going in my life, and if I’m having a good day, I can clean up some stuff in my mind and my heart and my body and I can figure out what to do about things…

These past 30 days have been the toughest ever, but three days ago, I had the first good day in a month. And now we’re going on day three of good days. It’s OK if they don’t last. I’m not gonna jinx it and pretend that just because today is good, tomorrow will be good. Nor will I say that just because today is bad, tomorrow will be bad. I will say that life is full of ups and downs, and knowing this helps you get through the downs.

“Just keep living,” my good friend said. “If you just keep living, you’re bound to get lucky and have a good day one of these days.” Lol. I think he’s right.

So what’s the latest? Fighting people, letting people go, trying to make peace with people who don’t really want to have the type of relationship with me that I want to have with them… lol. It’s all so silly. A light bulb finally went on in my head. I’m not a bad person. For some years now, I’ve been relating to people as if I was a bad person. As if I was somehow lucky to have certain people in my life, but they were not lucky to have me. And I didn’t ask for much from people. I asked for so little… You didn’t even have to answer my phone calls and I would still be happy if one day you returned a text of mine. Or if you threw me a smile at least once a month, like giving bread to a hungry dog. I know. It’s really embarrassing to write about these things, but I want to tell the truth.

Because we do these things. We live these ways. I know so many wonderful people going around the world believing that they are bad people. They have hearts of gold, but like me, they have developed these ways of expecting so little from the world. Every day we are telling the world and people around us that we are nothings. You don’t have to love us. You don’t have to want us. You don’t have to ask about our day or notice anything about us. You can forget birthdays, holidays, successes, failures. If we are sick, you don’t have to bring us oranges. As a matter of fact, we will bring you food or do whatever you want in the worst of our days. And if we make a mistake, talk too loud, don’t jump high enough, let a curse word slip out of our mouths in relation to you… if we fail at something that seems easy to do or if our stomachs gets fat or if we get scared and don’t handle a situation in the way that’s expected of us… We understand if you don’t forgive us. We understand if you hold back Love from us or talk about us or abuse us. After all, we are bad people. Nothings. We would forgive you for all the things you’ve done. Worse than what we’ve done. We would pour Love into the weakest parts of your being, but that is how it is when you are relating to someone who you believe is more valuable than you…

I read this essay called “The Three Kinds of People” by Michael Meade. I want to share an excerpt with you. You can find the whole article here:

He asserts that there are three kinds of people and what he wrote about the third kind of person really resonated with me. He writes:

“The third kind of person is found at the deepest level of life where integrity is grounded in vision and in values found only after losing the innocence of superficial hopes and dreams.

The third kind of person survives some life-changing defeat or loss and suffers a descent in life that makes them aware of the agonies and tragedies experienced by so many throughout the world. Such a descent can be quite private, as in the case of a debilitating illness or the loss of a loved one. It can also occur as part of a collective tragedy, as in the case of war, a terrorist act or a natural disaster that alters the lives of many people at once. Either way, the stricken person finds themselves in a dark night of the soul, alone with the remnants of broken dreams, lost in a darkness that erases all sense of hope.

To despair means to have lost all hope, to feel both hopeless and helpless in the face of overwhelming forces of violence, betrayal or tragic loss. Yet, if we are willing to face the darkness, a deeper level of understanding can be felt and a deeper dream of life can be found.

Because of this deeper knowledge, those who survive loss know who they are at their core; they also know the core values and ideals upon which humanity depends. They cannot be manipulated by fear or greed, cannot be shaken by threats or be pressured to act against either their own integrity or the interests of the greater good. We look to them to preserve the highest sense of human value and the deepest sense of human connectedness. In this way the third level of awareness produces the truly inspired leaders, the wounded healers, and the wise counselors who know that the ideals of humanity must be upheld precisely when the darkness and confusion around us grows.”

I do believe that I’m becoming one of the third kind of person. I want you to know, you broken ones, you ones who think you are a nothing because of some decision you have made in life. You, who believe you are worthless or not good enough, who think you are bad people. It’s a lie. Sure, you have made some mistakes. Sure, you have done some wrong here and there. But you deserve to be forgiven, just like the worst of us. You can forgive yourself now. Forgive yourself for being yourself. It’s OK. Even if no one else forgives you. It’s OK. You’re not a bad person, OK? You’re a whole person, and there are so-called bad parts and good parts to you. And you can choose how you want to be now. And just because you are growing and fumbling along the way doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be Loved. You still deserve to be loved. You are still lovable. You are still someone’s precious child. So hold your head up, OK? Hold your head up. Keep looking up. Keep being honest. Keep moving forward. Keep being honest with yourself. There are layers and layers and sometimes it takes a while until we can see and accept the Truth. There will be hard, dark times. Don’t give up. Don’t give in to the darkness. Keep living.

Once you start realizing that you, too, are somebody… Once you start recognizing that you, too, are valuable.. Once you realize that other people are lucky to know you, just as you are lucky to know them… you are a good person… You will start to be less and less interested in spending time with the people who don’t Love you. Not everybody Loves you, and that’s OK. But some people do. Some people Love you and they’re ok with treating you with Love. You may not even know those people yet, but somewhere in the world, you belong. Don’t you ever believe anyone who tells you any different.

Understand this. No matter what you have been through, no matter what you have done, you are worthy of Love. I’m just understanding it for the first time in my life. You are worthy of Love. And you can start by Loving your own self and taking actions that reflect that self-love. What does that mean? So many things. It means you can start by forgiving yourself. You can start by putting your hand on your own heart and saying, “I love you.” You can start by telling people the truth and giving them an opportunity to treat you the way you want to be treated. You can start by treating others with the Love and care that you would like to be treated with. You can start by being kind and gentle with yourself when you make a mistake. You can start by just letting people be who they are – everyone’s not gonna want to love you. Everyone doesn’t want to be your friend. Everyone doesn’t want to be nice to you. Yes, there are people who are angry and mean and everything else, and maybe it has something to do with you. Maybe it doesn’t. But the point is, they don’t want to love you. They don’t want to be your friend or your man or your woman. They’re not interested. They don’t trust you, and they’re not interested in trying to build trust. They just want to be mean and angry and defensive… Recognize this. Recognize this. Tell yourself the Truth. You can start by telling yourself the truth.

What does it look like to be Loved, God? Truly. What does it feel like to be really wanted with all of my flaws? To not have someone try and change me or just be frowning at me all the time? To have someone who I like and respect look at me and be like, “Wow. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I’m gonna make sure that I do my best to let you know how valuable and special you are to me.” What does it feel like to be held and protected by someone without fear that that same person will hurt me tomorrow? I know, I’ve been hurting for a long time. I’ve been broken for a long time. I’d like to be OK now. I’d like to be OK now. For real. From the deepest insides of me…

I’d like to experience these good things in life that I read about in books. I’d like to be a good thing in life, one of those people who anchors Love on Earth. I’m ready now. I’m ready to put my broken self back together piece by piece. I will start with Love and Forgiveness. Brick by brick, piece by piece, we will start this life anew. For today, what I can do is Love and welcome Love into my life and leave all that is not Love to go where it will. And so I Love… I Love. I Love…

Day 452
The Somethings

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