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Day 447 – My Baby (Closed Doors and Open Hearts)

July 29, 2016

I am imagining what a relaxed face looks like… A lot of change coming in the next few days… People moving out. People moving in… I got a job offer. Back in education. A respectable job. Good pay… Flexible time. I’ll start by September.

My face is super tingling. I’m sitting in a coffee shop with My Kind. He’s everywhere. He lives on the next block from me, and I literally run into him everywhere all the time. I’m kind of overwhelmed and want to burst out crying, but I don’t want him to think I’m crying over him… He’s a dork face. Still the same. Only wants what he doesn’t have. I know this syndrome. I’ve had it before. Not anymore…

Can you believe who I got an email from today? My first love. Haven’t heard from or spoken to him in over six years. He sent me an email and told me he’s on the pacific coast. Told me I crossed his mind. When I asked him what he was thinking when I crossed his mind, he didn’t respond… That was this morning. And I’ve been too busy to think about him all day. I’ve been busy nonstop all day… Now I can let my forehead relax a bit before I go back to busy life.

From this relaxed place, I am thinking about my first love, and how I loved him so much. I would have done anything for that man, and I did do anything for him. It was the kind of love that tragic romance novels are made of. Oh, my baby… I know that he has suffered much. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but oh, my baby… He has missed out on so much love…

I am remembering Love. I am remembering passion… I am remembering the wild, wild, days of my younger years. I had a good time. I did everything I wanted to do. I could tell you stories… I had a good time, God. Thank you for so many amazing experiences in life.

Now I am older. Not an old lady yet, but older. Old enough to understand the importance of character. Old enough not to care about much and not to take myself too seriously. Old enough to appreciate Love. Old enough to let everything go. And old enough to know that I need not just to give, but to receive Love… Oh, my baby. This is the end, isn’t it? I am older now and I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t hate you not one bit. You didn’t understand.

You didn’t understand that love was to be loved. You didn’t understand… You didn’t see what you had in hand – the most precious gift in the world. Someone who Loved you. Someone who would Love you just because you exist. And you hurt me much. It has taken years and years to repair the damage you’d done. It has taken years for me to believe that I deserve good things. It has taken years for me to know that I’m good enough. It has taken years for me to open my heart. It has taken years for me to dare to believe that I could possibly trust a man. It has taken years for me to think that I am sexy enough where I don’t deserve to be cheated on. It has taken years for me to figure out that men are supposed to protect you, not trick and manipulate you. It has taken years for me to feel like I was a good person – I always used to feel like I was being punished with you. The moment I opened my heart, there was some new transgression… It has taken years, my baby.

I wonder who I would have been had we never met. I would have been somebody’s sweet wife, but I wouldn’t have been so cool. I wouldn’t be wearing my hair in a mohawk right now, nor would I have learned how to curse people out when they mess with me. And I wouldn’t have had the courage – the need, rather – to learn how to love myself. And I wouldn’t understand that all people have a dark side. And darling, I understand… I understand. I Love You, my baby.

Our children have died already. Our life was a dream never fulfilled, and from what I sense in your field, it will stay a dream, for you refuse to Love, and I think there is a certain amount of work that we all must do on our own… I can not make you choose to Love. I can not make you choose to Love. I can not make you choose… I pray that you will come to a place where you can think of me and remember me as your baby and know that you are worthy of the deepest kind of Love. In my eyes, you are pure light. Yes, pure light lives in you still. Bring it out and your suffering will end. I pray that your suffering ends.

Oh, my baby. Thank you. I pray that your suffering ends.

Ameen.

Day 447
My Baby (Closed Doors and Open Hearts)

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