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Day 454 – To Know That You Are Good (Foundations)

November 4, 2016

I’m really happy right now. I’m just going to write free form and let what comes out come out.

I feel like I’m in love. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been cheating on you. I have another journal. A journal that I write in my own handwriting in cursive. I have to keep it for this class I’ve been taking. I started taking a class at my spiritual center about a month ago. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

Foundations. The class is about foundations. And so is this blog.

The class is way more intense than I had anticipated. We have to read at least six chapters of information a week, plus we have to write a daily journal, pray every day, meditate every day, and do all of these activities that force us to explore the inner dimensions of our conscious and subconscious beliefs, thoughts and feelings. Then we have to do more work so that we can identify ways of being that are not in alignment with who we are becoming and change our ways of beings. What a concept…

I’ve been doing the work, though, for the past four weeks, but it takes about two to three hours a day to do this classwork. On top of that, everything else in my life has been changing rapidly. A recent flow of income has made it so that money is not one of my major worries anymore.

And my heart isn’t broken about anyone any more. And I’ve been making peace with the relationships in my life… And my health is much, much better. I had to change my whole life in order for my health to get better, and I am changing my whole life.

I don’t want to write a lecture or a sermon today. Earlier, I was thinking about the purpose of life. What is the purpose of life, anyway? I was praying about it. We live, we work, we die, but why? I remember being a little girl and pondering deeply about these things. I remember being teased because people always said I think too much. I always wanted to go deep with things and find out why things were and are the way they were and are… But today I came to something.

Some of us come here to help others find their way home, but before we can help anyone else, we have to find our own way. We have to understand. None of this may be true, but this is the story I am deciding to live with for my life.

I am sitting in the Writer’s Guild library in the middle of Los Angeles, California. I just had lunch with my good friend, the only real female friend I have in this town. On the streets, fellow dream seekers and dream catchers and dream makers are going about their business. They have interesting shoes and all kinds of hairstyles… This is no Hawaii with its clear blue skies. This is not Down South with its nice people and deeply rooted communities, but this place has its own beauty. This is a place where people come to dream and make their dreams come true.

This is a place full of brave souls who know how to whether storms…

I am sitting in the Writer’s Guild library, about to follow-up on an email for a job that just fell in my lap. I am about to do some research on how to write television shows… My belly is full. There are cute men everywhere. I am single and free and I like my life right now. I actually like my life for the first time in such a long time.

It feels like how I felt when I first came out here. Everything is ahead of me. Everything is possible. But I know more now. I am ready now. On the horizon, I see a new kind of experience beckoning me. It is easy. And I don’t mean that there’s no hard work. I mean it is easy because I can see where my hard work is taking me. Up and up and up and out and out and out and in and in and in and deeper and deeper and deeper. Beautiful secrets right in front of my face that I have yet to discover. I am excited about learning. I am exciting about demonstrating the things that I learn. I am excited about sharing and connecting with people. I am exciting about helping this world to be a better place in a real way. I am exciting about constantly evolving in a real way. Oh, I am excited about Love! In a real way.

On the horizon, I see Love. Real Love. Not just romantic love. Love between siblings. Love for my mom. Love for my work. Love for other sentient beings… And I see a man, too. And with him, love does not equal pain. Love equals Love. Love equals Trust. Love equals Integrity… Love does not mean that I have to make myself small and assume a new personality and stop going for my dreams and feel heavy all the time… On the horizon, there is an expansive Love. It is better than anything I can imagine… And oh, how I will Love! I know what that means now. I know what it is to Love now. Whoever it is that’s gonna wife me better get ready. He is going to be so full to overflowing with the Love I give him…

I know. It has taken me a while to get here. I forgive myself. I hope you forgive me too. I’m not going to say, “I had to go through this to get to that, and the reason such and such happened to me is so that I could learn such and such and let go of such and such”. I’m not going to try and explain away a whole life. All I can say is that I am grateful that my life thus far has been so full and delicious and that I have had so much drama that I can at least write five to ten books and movies just based on my life experiences… All I can say is that I am OK with being a single woman in her thirties with a huge, open heart and a big smile and bright eyes. I am OK with having a computer and a car and a little apartment in the middle of the big city. I am ok with having the mother and the siblings and the extended family that I have and I am ok with my friends, my inner circle of misfits, artists, angels, logic minds and crazy heads that walk through this life with me. I am ok with my amazing spiritual center and all of the lovely people there whom I have gotten to know in the past month…. I’m just ok with my life… I have everything I need. I have more than I ever thought I would have.

I have an inner realization that my life is a good life. I am OK. I am good. Do you understand? I am a good person. My life is a good life. I never knew that. I never understood that. I’ve been walking around with my head down for so long… I can look up now. I am OK. You have no idea how monumental this realization is for me. It changes everything. It changes every single blessed thing. To know that I am good… Wow. To know that I am good… Do you know what that means? If I am good, then that means that I deserve good things. It means that I can open my arms and accept all of these blessings that have been coming around me for so long… To know that I am good means to know that I can do good things. I no longer have to hide out in my apartment thinking that I have no value, thinking that I’m a nothing. I’m a good thing and I can share that with people now. I’m a good thing…

I can go on and on, but I just want to share this little piece. The lady sitting at the table across from me keeps staring at me. Yes, I am crying underneath my glasses. Do you want to cry, too? I am happy, my darling. These are tears of joy. I hope that you are happy, too, and if not, I will know this for you now… I know that you are good. In all of us, there is a spark of light. There is good in all of us… This is how I will rebuild my life. This is how I will build my new identity… With foundations of Truth… Ameen. Thank You, God. Ameen.

Day 454
To Know That You Are Good (Foundations)

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