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Day 461 – 100 Percent

January 23, 2017

Fear… Gonna work through this and then take some action. Need to send some more emails out… Kind of scared ‘cus I’m gonna be vulnerable when I write them. Don’t know how I’ll be received.

Love on the mind. Why is love always on my mind? You know, people say love is not important. Relationships are not important. To me, they are the most important thing. Everything we do in life is in relationship to one another…

I had a panic attack this week. First time in my life. If you’ve never had a panic attack, then you will feel like I did before I had a panic attack. “What’s a panic attack? No big deal. People just feel panicked,” you will think. It was the worst experience of my entire life. It was the biggest deal of my entire life, and I’ve dealt with a lot of things…

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My whole body started trembling. I busted out crying. All of my muscles hurt. It hurt so bad that I just wanted to knock myself out. I don’t drink or smoke, but in that moment I could understand why people get pissy drunk and smoke. It hurt so much. Nobody wants to feel that much pain. I had a project due and I couldn’t make myself do it. I thought I was losing my mind. “What if I’m crazy,” I thought. “What if I can’t do life on my own anymore? What if my brain doesn’t work anymore?” It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me.

I went to sleep so that I wouldn’t feel the pain. When I woke up, my muscles weren’t hurting as much, but my body was still tingling and I was still having a hard time breathing. I called my mom. I never call my mom when I’m going through stuff, so you know I must have been feeling really bad. I called her and she prayed for me. Maybe someone put a hex on me, she thought. She asked me to pray over my house and throw away things that certain people (people who probably hate my guts) gave me. Normally, I rebel when my mom tells me to do things like that, but I was so desperate that I just did what she said.

Strangely enough, after I had thrown everything out, I could breathe better. I wanted to finish my project on time. It was such a great opportunity. I had to sit down and take a good look at myself. “What are we gonna do? What are gonna do, Laydie, if our mind has broke? How are we gonna live?” I told myself that I was going to tap into everything, every single piece of me, everything I had learned my entire life… I was going to use every single part of me, all of my willpower. I was going to reach out to every and everyone I could think of. I was going to pray like I’ve never prayed before and open up and make myself available to more guidance than I’ve ever received. I was going to allow myself to be helped and loved. I was going to integrate all the classes and lectures and books I’d ever read. I was going to absorb every truth I’d ever heard into my body. I was going to do everything I could to finish this project by this deadline. So I called my friend who’s a therapist, and he stayed on the phone with me. He helped me do some processes and breathing exercises so that I could get off the bed. He asked me what I was afraid of and if I knew anyone who could protect me so that I could focus on my work instead of having to fight all my demons by myself. And there was no one. There was no one present in my life who was strong enough to fight the demons I was dealing with. But there were some people, who were not exactly active parts of my life, but who had protected me in the past, and who I thought, if they knew what I was going through, they would be willing to protected me now and champion me so that I could live.

It’s funny when I thought of this. I also realized all of the people who claim to love me but don’t have the guts or nuts to stand up for a beloved. I can’t get mad. Everybody’s not a jedi… I imagined that the people who I thought were willing and able to protect me were there, keeping the demons at bay, slaying dragons, while I did my project. My therapist friend called to check on my every fifteen minutes, and if my breathing wasn’t right, he helped me get back to normal. It took everything in me to finish that project, but I finished. Afterwards, I collapsed and slept the rest of the day.

I had never used that much energy in my life. The next day I spoke with my sister, who’s a doctor. She said I had had a panic attack. She told me the sobering truth: I had been sick for over a year and I had experienced some major traumas that I’m only recently dealing with. It may take a while for me to heal completely. But then she told me something encouraging. She said that even if I never return to 100% functionality, that my 50% is a lot more than many people’s 100%. I don’t care about being better or worse than other people, but I realized something. For the first time in my life, I had given my 100%. I had tapped in to everything I could. I had never done that before. I think, even when I was at 100% health level, I mostly stayed at about a 20% giving level. Things came easy for me, so I just didn’t have to give !00% to function. So if I’m at a 50% health level now, but I’m giving my 100%, I’m still giving more of myself than I’ve ever given.

I was really proud of myself for finishing that project. I felt like a spell had been broken somehow, and I could now get on with the rest of my life. It’s so crazy how we are all trapped in so many bubbles. I have been in a mental cage for so long, and for the first time I can see the electric fence around me, and better yet, and I can see the way out of it. As the saying goes, I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

There is a difference between wanting a thing and being ready and able to have it. Whatever it is you’ve been wanting for so long, do you believe that you can have it? The types of relationships you want. The career. The money. The peace of mind. Do you believe that you can have it? If you don’t, then start there, because if you don’t believe you can have it, then you will have a hard time holding it when it comes.

I am planting seeds of faith in the fertile soil of my subconscious. I can have the life of my dreams. It’s not a dream anymore. I can have it. I open my mind. I open my heart. I can have it. I can be the woman of my dreams. I have to be her. I am choosing to be her, no matter how hard it is. I will be humble. I will let all the pride fall off my shoulders. I will be vulnerable and kind and forgiving. I will allow myself to be seen and accept my power, no matter who thinks I’m weird or too much or too little or too whatever. I forgive myself, even if people want to hold on to resentments and throw spells at me and not like me or judge me or whatever. I am choosing to be quite all right with my beautiful self even right now. Even when I’m at my worst. Even when I’m at my best… I am tapping in to my brilliance and reaching out for helpers and lovers and support. I am seeing who is friend and who is foe and I am choosing to not even mad at the foes, but just recognize what the relationship dynamics are and make choices accordingly. That’s it. There is no giving up on me anymore. Nope. I am going to be my own hero, but that doesn’t mean that I have to do this alone. It means I’m going to find people who can journey with me when I need it and I’m going to find people who I can give love to as well, because that’s a part of it.

It’s time to stand up. It’s time to save my life… Ameen.

Day 461
100 Percent

From → Freedom Songs

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