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Day 456 – Men And Magic (And Stuff)

November 28, 2016


I just wrote a blog and deleted it. It was about men and magic. I was talking about My Kind and how he had taught me that men can be kind and caring and how we are finally ending our “more than friends, but not friends with benefits but less than dating” relationship. It’s time, but it’s tough to let him go. I know… I know. I could have married him, though. I could have.

I know… We don’t have the same values. We don’t have the same interests. We don’t want to grow in the same direction in our lives. Not right now. But his heart – his heart did my heart some good. He managed to break through all my walls and open up a door of kindness and compassion in me. He saw me. He saw the very best in me, even though I was so low when he met me. He was always happy to see me. He gave me gifts that I needed; gifts that I didn’t ask for. He didn’t hang up the phone on me or disappear when he got upset. He was kind. He didn’t try to control me or ask me to be anything but what I wanted to be. He asked me if I had eaten and shared food with me and bought food for me. He held me when I was angry instead of yelling at me or insulting me or pushing me away. He opened car doors and carried backpacks and took out trash. He didn’t sit around, knowing I was sinking, and not lend me a hand. He went to the park with me, even though he hates parks… And this morning we had an argument. He had done some silly stuff… Actually what he had done was kind of foul if you think about it too long… But he didn’t know what he was doing. And that’s the sad part. That’s the deal-breaker, isn’t it? It is in his nature to be honest and kind and sweet, but he is not always in integrity with his nature, and at this moment in his life, he’s not interested in being in integrity with his true nature…

I Love him still. I just Love him. I’m tired of not loving people who I really Love. I Love him. That’s it.

But we won’t be moving forward with a romance. And it’s the end of my companion. He’s been a part of my life for the past ten months. Can he change, you ask? Yes, he can. But he doesn’t really want to. Not right now. He might make some changes on behalf of trying to keep me, but it won’t be authentic… God, tell me what to do. You say I already know…

I know that if I really want to be this sacred woman and I really want to do all this work I want to do in the world and I really want my emotions to be stable and I really want to feel safe in the world and I really want to nurture a connection with my deepest Spiritual self and I really want to live in a clean environment and be disciplined and make progress… I know that if living a life of excellence is important to me, I know that if living my Divine destiny is important to me, then being partnered with him is not the move… He’s not on the same page as me right now. I know this. But I’m gonna miss him, Allah… I have let go of a lot of people in my life. I want to keep people now. You understand? I know that everything is not good for me and I don’t need to be involved with everyone, but I’ve let go of so much. I’ve let go of so much… It hasn’t been easy to let go of so much in such a short amount of time… Do You understand that I’m a human, too, and I’m loyal? And I miss the good parts. I miss the good parts of my friends and my exes, even though they may have been assholes… And I don’t want to just give up on people, because there were people – terribly flawed people – who didn’t give up on me when I was at my worst and who saw me through until I could get to a place where I’m not crying everyday anymore and I’m feeling like living now…

I miss the connections that I had with the people who have seen me at my worst and stuck with me and championed and encouraged me… My Kind has been there for me. He has been a very important part of my life. And I know there are better men. I know there are men who are more compatible with me. But there will always be better men. There will always be people who are more compatible. Sometimes you just want to stick with a thing. Can you believe I’m saying this? Sometimes you just want to stick with someone, flaws and all. Sometimes you decide that someone is good enough, and that’s all there is to it. And My Kind is good enough… but he is prone to doing such silly, dangerous things; things that can really cause serious damage to himself and the people involved with him. And if I stick with him, he will cause me some collateral damage. I know. He’s not ready. He’s not ready to hold a woman’s heart in his hands. He said it himself. I might as well believe him, ‘cus it’s true.

I hate fighting with him. I really hate fighting with him. Can you believe it? Me. I actually hate fighting with someone. A change has finally come…

He will come around one day. One day, he will want nothing else but to be in integrity with his true self, and he will be such an awesome man. He is such an awesome man. But today… Well, today, he’s just not there yet. And being with me is not gonna get him there. Being with me is going to keep him comfortable and stagnant and blind about the areas he wants to grow in… I know. My time is up, isn’t it? My task is up. His task with me is up. He has taught me about Love and Compassion and he has helped me to know, experientially, that men can be kind. I am grateful. I hope that I have shared something good with him and made his life a little better. You say that I have.

Can he be my last boyfriend, though? The last man I date? I want him to be my last boyfriend. I want the next man to be my husband, and so I will make wiser choices. I will talk to You before taking action with the new dudes. And can I still Love him? Can I still Love the people from my past and still talk to them and connect with them from time to time even though I am moving on to new stuff? I Love them so much, Allah. I really do. Can I meet and marry someone who is OK with me being me and ok with me Loving whoever I want to my heart’s content? I will be respectful. I know now. I know how to make a safe space for a man now…

The men who are knocking on my door these days are ridiculously amazing. They are so Loving… They are so Loving, Allah. I didn’t know that these kinds of people existed in the world. They are so Loving and kind and strong and brave… Lift me up, please. Lift me up. This new stuff is so much. It is so magical that it scares me sometimes. I don’t want to mess up anymore. I don’t want to mess up. Please protect me, Allah, as I step into this brand new world and this brand new way of living and being. I am such a little baby. I am so sensitive. No one knows how sensitive I really am. I feel everything so deeply, but I don’t want to close myself up anymore, because my sensitivity is my gift. It’s my gift. My big heart is my gift. I know this. Please help me as I throw myself wide open again.

I want to be wide open. I want to be wide open again. You understand? I don’t want to be broken or bitter or jaded. I want to be fully alive and open, but not stupid. Wise. Wise and discerning and powerful and kind and compassionate and joyful and giving and Loving… I want real Love. I want to be so good to someone and I want him to be so good to me. No more hurting each other. I actually want to stick with someone – someone awesome – through thick and thin and just be able to relax and know that I am safe in my Love. I want to rest in Love now. And I want to Live now. Not a fake life. Not a “get by” life. Not a life full of settling and compromise. I want to Live the life that I was sent here to Live. I want this more than anything. I want to give away my words and my books and my songs and my dance and my creativity and my deep Love and I want it to touch the Earth and make things better, not worse. I want to be true. Do you understand? Do you know how bad I want this? I want it more than anything else. I want to live with integrity more than anything else. It is time… It’s just time for me to live…. And I that I can have and be everything I want and more with Your Grace.

But You know that dealing with men and being in the world has knocked the beJesus out of me in the past and almost killed me. And I’m a little afraid of coming back to the world and being so open and vulnerable, and so I’m asking you, Allah, to please keep me safe. Please help me to be wise. Please protect me. When I am Loving, I haven’t always been able to see the bad things in the world… My whole body is tingling right now. As I’m coming back to the world of men and the world of work, please keep me away from assholes. Show me how to stand up for myself and still be Loving. Help me to activate my brilliance, please. Please send people my way who will walk with me and hold my hand, and if no one is here to walk with me at the time, then please give me the strength and faith to get up and keep moving forward when I am on my own. I know I am a magic lady and people will not understand me or my way of life and they will judge me and not know that I am good and that I have good intentions. Please help me to be able to Love and accept myself and be happy and forgiving and kind with myself even if I don’t have validation from the outside. Even if nobody really likes me or approves of me, please help me to approve of myself and like myself…

I am asking for Your help, Allah. I am petitioning all of the Angels and Guides and helpers and Lovers and family and whoever else gives a shit about me. I am petitioning my dead daddy and my friend who passed away, who loved me so much… Listen. I am endeavoring to live my Real life. I am ready now, you hear? I am ready now. I get it. I understand. I am ready and I am willing to move on to the next phase of my evolution. I get it. I understand what the alchemists taught. You have to change. It’s not your life that has to change, it’s you. You have to change and then you become the life you are seeking… I am committing to live my Real life: bold and powerful and loving and kind and magical and unapologetic, and yes, I have changed. Look. I don’t even like being mean anymore. I have changed… And so I’m ready for this new stuff. I know that I’m setting myself up for some massive growth. I know that I have absolutely no idea about what’s going to happen now. I know that I won’t feel like I’m in control of everything any more and I have to be ok with that. And I’m ok with that. But I’m gonna need You to help me, ok. I don’t even know what I need help with, but You know. Help me. Help me be my True self. When the fear and the doubt tries to take me over and has me paralyzed and afraid to move, help me to remember the Truth, please. And when I know what the right move is, but don’t want to let go of something I loved, help me to make the right move anyway. And when I am feeling alone and misunderstood or when I make a mistake and I can’t see the future, help me to get up and move forward anyway. Help me to value myself and do the things that I know are good for me and the things that I know are good for other people. Help me to think about how my actions affect others before I just say or do any old thing… Help me gather all of these lessons that I’ve learned over this time and make a powerful, beautiful life out of it. Help me be a Blessing in this world. Help me to anchor compassion on this Earth… I’ll stop writing so much now.

Thank You, Allah. I’m going to get up now and eat some food. You say the men aren’t going to break me this time. You are cosigning on my readiness. You say that now, now that I am ready, it is time to truly practice using my will. Don’t be afraid of the magic that is happening. Don’t be afraid of how quickly your prayers are answered. You’re not a bad person. You are a person who is learning to align her will with the will of the Universe, and life moves much quicker when you are in alignment. No more words now. Get up and get on with your day.

Hmmm. Men. And Magic. And Stuff… Ameen.

Day 456
Men and Magic (And Stuff)

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