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Day 459 – On Queening Up (One Step At A Time)

January 6, 2017

My flight leaves first thing in the morning. Back to LA.

Heartbroken. The people who love me are here in the south… Heartbroken.

My Kind is still over there, separate from me, holding resentments, keeping his distance and saying everything is “fine”. My neighbor still hasn’t said sorry for using the spare key that I gave him to come up in my house and take the airbed he had let me use without telling me, only for me to come home at night and find no bed to sleep on and for him to text me saying, “Why you trippin’ ma? You got everything you need.”

My life in Cali is pretty lonely. I am by myself over there. And I have friends and family there, but the quality of my relationships there is much different than the quality of my relationships here. My relationships here are open and free and authentic and sincere and honest and so Loving. There is no such thing as holding resentments and being fake. We just get mad at each other, tell each other what’s wrong, fight each other, say sorry, and then get over it over here.

So. I am going back there, though, because Lord You keep telling me to go back to that God forsaken town and finish what I started. Lord, Lord, Lord…

Someone asked me to marry him. An old friend who I haven’t seen in ten years. He remembered so many things from our youth. To hear him tell it, I was an awesome woman. I was really nice and kind to him and he remembers everything I did. He said I used to sing him songs when he was sad. I remember… It seems like lifetimes ago. I said no. I told him I wouldn’t marry him. I don’t know why. I just didn’t want to, to be honest. I don’t like the fact that he loans his family money and keeps tabs on every penny. Or the fact that he was really concerned about what kind of car I drive and what neighborhood I live in in Cali… I just didn’t want to marry him, to be honest. The reason doesn’t even matter. Something in me knows that I wouldn’t have a happy life with him. I see a headache when I think of him and handcuffs. Even though we have awesome chemistry, the thought of being his woman does not excite me in any form or fashion…

If I may tell the truth, I’m kind of stuck on My Kind. I’m stuck on everyone who doesn’t want me, aren’t I? Something in me doesn’t want to get over him. He’s not so extraordinary. It’s just that I really Loved him a lot. He was good enough… A strange thing is happening to me. There will always be better men than the one you have. There will always be better friendships and deeper bonds. But sometimes, you find something you want to hold on to. It’s good enough. It’ll do. It’s tough for me to be so far away from him. It’s tough for me to be going back to Cali tomorrow, so far away from my mom and my brother who stays up till the morning talking to me… It’s tough for me to be starting life on my own.

And it feels like I’m starting life on my own. It feels like I’m starting life again. Starting over again. This is different than all the other times. This time, things are on purpose. I see what I’m doing. I know what I’ve been doing – being caught up in a cacophony of relationships, avoiding doing the things I’m here to do. This time, I know that entertaining my friend’s marriage proposal is a trap. I even know that letting go of My Kind and really letting go of all my dysfunctional relationships and/or demanding that they change is the act of faith that is necessary to move forward… I wanted to hold onto something, God. I’m just a little tired of temporary relationships. I wanted to hold onto something. Do you understand why it’s so hard for me to let go of My Kind? For the first time in a long time, I met a man that I wanted to hold onto, and I thought he wanted to hold onto me, too. I still think he does, even though he’s not acting like it. I know his heart is pure and golden. He’s just confused about a lot of things…

But let him go I must, You say. So… OK. OK. OK… This time, I can see all the fears in my mind as I embark on the greatest adventure of my life – the trek towards living my destiny. I hear the voices telling me how lonely I will be and how hard LA is and how I won’t be able to do things on my own. I hear them telling me that something’s wrong with me and I don’t know how to pick a good man and I’m too picky and no one will ever understand me. I hear them saying that all the men and other people who I didn’t give what they want are against me and trying to sabotage me. I hear them saying that I’m crazy and this whole thing about having a destiny and a purpose and a mission in life is hogwash. I hear them telling me to just give up these grandiose dreams and just do normal stuff. I am too old, the voices say. Compromise, the voices say. I could get My Kind’s interest if I played women games, tricked him and acted like I really thought that him only giving me 5% or less of the love he could give was good enough for me.

I hear the voices… They are all lies. They are lies. They are lies. I do believe that if I want to make it through this time in my life… If I am going to go back to this city of angels and do what my good Lord has sent me here to do, then I’m going to have to Queen up. I’m going to have to look all these voices in the eye and call them Godforsaken liars, even though I have no evidence that anything else is true for my life. Even though I have no evidence that I can create the kind of life I want all by myself, I’m going to have to step out into the world and get to the business of creating.

OK. OK God. Patience, integrity, passion, peace, acceptance, power. Kindness. We will cultivate these qualities. We must learn how to see past the voices of our past and lean into the Truth of who we really are… Is it true, God, that in this moment I can begin again?

Is it true that I don’t have to listen to any of those old voices? I can choose to have faith? Is this what faith is? I do believe that this is what faith is. I’m not stopping. For the first time in a long time, I’m committed to something – myself. I am committed to living the life that I am here to live – I am very clear about what that life looks like. I am committed to being a powerhouse of Love and Light on this planet. I am committed to the evolution and the transformation of my life. That’s it. Final answer. I don’t care how scared or sad or hurt I get. I am committed to moving forward, God and I ask for Your Grace and Guidance as I take one step at a time towards freedom. I accept your Grace and Guidance as I take one step at a time.

One step at at time. And so it is.

Ameen.

Day 459
On Queening Up (One Step At A Time)

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From → Freedom Songs

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