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Day 460 – A Sweet Thang

January 19, 2017

Can I pour my heart out to you?

I just want to pour my heart out for a minute. I just did something so wonderful. Oh, it’s a really small thing, but it feels so good. I Loved someone today. I gave someone Love and kindness when I could have been very mean to her. My heart is overflowing right now. I am so grateful to be alive and to be a grown-up and to finally be healing and living…

So, I’ll start with this morning. I went to bed super early. Around 8:30. And so I woke up super early. Around 2:30a. I did all the stuff I love to do when I’m alone. I prayed. I meditated. I planned out my day. I wrote in my journal. I read my daily quote from this new love book I’m reading, read a few pages from my Oneness book (which I read over and over again), read a few pages from Think and Grow Rich (which I’m reading/studying for the first time), and then I listened to a recording from this online course I’m taking about Feminine Power and stretched while I was listening to the recording.

I know. I’m doing a lot. What I’m really doing, though, is building a foundation for my new life. I thought this blog was about how not to cry every day – me just trying not to be sad. But what it has become is a journey towards self actualization. It has become a grand adventure to heal myself and live the fullest life that I can imagine. And so I have been taking the opportunity – before I become someone’s wife and before I become someone’s mother and before I go back out into the world and do any kind of work or contribute anything – I have been taking this opportunity to clean up my blessed act and get myself together and really become clear and strong about who I am and what I want to be doing with the rest of my time on this Earth.

So I’ve been reading a lot of books. And taking a lot of courses. And literally cleaning up my apartment and doing things to heal my body. And checking out what I think and what I believe. And working with my therapist friend so I can figure out why I have panic attacks at the most inconvenient of times. And getting used to my mind and my body at their functionality level now. And practicing forgiveness. And learning to be ok while sitting in this apartment without a gosh darn man and without anybody validating me from the outside. And I’ve been testing myself to see if I am ready for this world again. I’ve been trying to see if I can take a dance class till the end without stopping (I can’t yet). I’ve been trying to see how I deal with stress (my body still starts trembling everywhere). I’ve been seeing if I’ll die if I let a man close to my heart and let myself be vulnerable. I did and tadaa! I’m still here. Got my heart broken by My Kind and found out that I won’t die and I can actually do stuff in life even if I’m all by myself.

And it hasn’t been easy. In fact, it has been very, very hard. It is still very, very challenging for me to dust my boots off and take a step towards the destination of my dreams when there is absolutely no guarantee that I won’t try something and have a melt down or that my body won’t just give in when I think it’s supposed to work and people won’t be looking at me all crazy or that I won’t meet some fabulous guy and fall head over heels only to have him leave me or betray me or tell me that, actually, he really doesn’t want to be with me, but I have a big booty, though… smh… It has been hard to not have the kinds of friendships and relationships that fill you to overflowing when I know that these kinds of things are possible. At least in my mind they are. It has been lonely, and there have been moments when I have wanted to curse God and ask him why he made my heart so big if there is no one who will receive the fullness of my love and see me for who I truly am? If there is no one strong enough or deep enough to put their arms around me that I may know that I am safe…

It’s been hard, y’all. But today, a little thing happened that was so sweet. So, I started this course on feminine power, and at the beginning of the course, we have to set an intention about what we want to create. The teacher gives eight life categories (they happen to be similar to the eight life categories that I learned in my last course) and you pick one or two to focus on in the course. I picked relationships and career/prosperity. Other possible categories were health, deepest desires, spiritual connection, legacy, fulfilling your calling, and authentic experience of self. The teacher takes you through this meditation to help you discern which category is resonating and calling for attention the most. So after we pick our categories, we go through all these exercises, and eventually, we define what we would like to experience, express, create, and contribute in our category, and we write a statement about our intention.

Then we examine what our life pattern is in relationship to our category. For example, my pattern in relationships has been: I meet some fabulous guy. He pursues me. I play hard to get. The minute I open up to him/make myself vulnerable/tell him I love him/do something kind or giving to him, he becomes unavailable. Leaves. Disappears. Starts being mean or holding back. OR I meet some fabulous guy and he doesn’t even consider giving me the time of day and instead gets with some girl he doesn’t like. OR I meet some fabulous guy and of course he’s going through a divorce or just lost his house or has some woman(en) that he’s trying to cheat on.. In other words, He’s unavailable. And then men who I never want to be with ask me to marry them every year… So that’s my pattern. Don’t judge. I’m not proud of it, but I had to tell myself the truth so I could find the place where I can grow.

After you find out your pattern, she takes you through an exercise where you find the belief that you have about yourself, the other, and the world, which may have been causing or validating this pattern. My deep rooted belief was that I’m not wanted, men are liars, and I can never trust anyone and let them see my true self. Then you look to see where your behaviors have been validating and creating experiences that reinforce the belief you have. What I had been doing with men, is that the minute they act like they want me, I reject them. Shoot them down without a thought. Second nature. If I really like a guy, I’ll frown at him and be really guarded. It’s so silly when I think of it. And I’ll be so mean and judgemental and punitive when a guy has a flaw that he will never feel safe telling me the truth about things I may not like. :/

I took responsibility for my behaviors, because those are things that I can change. I can actually open up instead of frowning when I like a guy and he likes me. I can accept his gifts and let myself feel wanted. I can not try and punish people the minute they do the smallest things. I can be kind – but I’m getting ahead of myself.

So in the course, after we identify our behavior patterns, she takes us through this lovely meditation where we unite the part of us that holds the damaging belief with the part of us that is strong and wise. We tell ourselves the truth about ourselves. I belong and I am wanted and valuable… The exercise was just lovely. And then we start to change our behaviors and show up differently in the world from a foundation of the new truth seed that we have just planted.

So anyway, one of the things that I wanted to contribute in my relationships was that I wanted to be able to create a space where people can feel safe to be and share their true selves, flaws and all. I wanted to contribute nourishing love and comfort and support to someone.

And this morning – There’s this young woman that I order health products from online. She’s super ghetto and her life is a mess. She has a crazy live-in boyfriend that she calls her husband, even though they never got married, and two children. She about 27 years old. She’s beautiful and hardworking and every now and then when I see her post stupid stuff online, like “I want to be a polygamist” or “women are supposed to serve their man” right after her boyfriend has posted some abusive rant, I want to snatch her up and hold her. And break her boyfriend’s knees.

Her products are great, but her customer service sucks. Recently, I made a large order from her. I asked her if she was sure about the delivery date in advance and she promised that I would have my products by a certain date. On the date I was supposed to get them, she sent out a fake shipping notice, but never shipped the items. A week after I was supposed to receive my items, I told her that if she hadn’t shipped them, I want a refund. She broke down. Told me about her life. She was struggling. Had fled her house. Was going through a divorce with her non-husband. Her business wasn’t doing well. My mean self wanted to give her a lecture about how we still need our products and we all have problems, but I didn’t lecture her. I don’t know why. At some point, I got my order, but it was incomplete. -_-

So this morning I was messenging her about my incomplete order, and I also wanted to order some other products from her. I placed the order, and she thanked me for continuing to patronize her even though she had such poor customer service. And I thought about it. I thought about lecturing her about her poor customer service. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I told her how great her products were. I told her how many of my friends I had gifted with her products when they couldn’t find any other products that worked. I told her how her products had helped me so much. I told her that I knew that sooner than later, she would get her customer service act together. And I told her that she was valuable. I told her that she was treasured. It was what she needed to hear. I know it. And I was so glad to be able to say it to her. I was so glad to be able to use my heart and contribute Love and Kindness…

It’s been a good day so far. My heart was just so full that I had to share. Thank you, God, for blessing me with such a sweet moment. Thank you, me, for being such a sweet thing.

Have a good day, y’all.


Day 460
A Sweet Thang

From → Freedom Songs

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