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Day 458 – Freedom Songs (On Facing Sadness)

January 3, 2017

Can I tell you what I love most about visiting family? The kids. My nieces and nephews. They are so innocent and loving. They make me forget about the cold life in LA.

I’m in the dining room at my sister’s place down South. My older sister. It’s 1:03am and everyone else is sleeping. And my niece just came downstairs to check on her clothes that’s in the dryer. She saw me, but she didn’t say anything. She just looked at me and smiled the sweetest, most loving smile. Unguarded, trusting, loving. So beautiful.

Are the children the only ones who can do this thing? Love so openly? Share so freely? Say sorry when they hurt you and move forward with Love? My family has some deep, Loving souls in it. They’ll heal you with just one smile. This is the kind of Love I’ve been hungry for. Does it only happen in families? Can friends and lovers be like this, too? I’ve been missing this kind of love: filling like Southern food. Unpretentious. Forgiving. Accepting. Open. Honest. Strong. Backed by action. Intentional. This is what I got from my mamma. I learned how to Love.

We haven’t always seen eye to eye on a lot of things, and we still don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and her love has often come accompanied with manipulation and control (stemming from her fears). But underneath everything, there has always been this deep thing going on, this wonderfully deep Love.

Happy New Year. I came down South five days ago so I could spend the new year with my mom. I’ll be back in LA by the end of the week. I haven’t been here in two years. This city. This state. This environment that shaped my formative years. I am far away from where I came from in every possible way. My mom is very involved in the religion that I grew up in. She volunteers at the worship center, takes classes about the religion, does all the prayers, studies the holy book, listens to religious songs and speeches all day, and mostly makes every conversation a lesson about religion. I can’t even get mad at her. I guess I’m becoming the same way. I just have a different religion now.

What can I write about? I don’t have much to talk about. Just complaints and gossip. I fell out with My Kind again. This time because he didn’t ask how I was getting to the airport for this trip and he didn’t see me the night before I left, even though I wanted to see him. I realize that everyone doesn’t do these things, but when I’m with my family, we do these things. We never take taxis or buses to the airport. There is always some family member dropping us off and wishing us farewell. There is usually some family member with us the night before our trip helping us pack. Every family is not like this. Everyone is not like this. I get it. But why not? Why must we live our lives so cold and so alone? I got mad at My Kind because he used to be like my family. I got mad at him because he thought of taking me to the airport and coming over to help me pack, but instead he booked his entire night up and made sure he spend the night somewhere else, just so he could defend himself in case he asked to come and hang out with me and I said no. I got mad at him because he has been withholding so much love from me lately, and when I confront him about it, he acts like nothing’s going on. The sad thing is, I don’t even think he’s aware that anything is going on… Sigh…

I read this in Michael Bernard Beckwith’s book called Life Visioning: “Many relationships remain in seed form; they don’t sprout when there is detached withholding, withdrawal, manipulation, or control.” My Kind is withholding much from me and he has withdrawn from me. And I could play the woman game and get him back, but not without being out of integrity with myself. I could pretend like it’s ok with me to have bullshit superficial relationships, and it is ok with me in some instances to have bullshit superficial relationships, but with him? No. It’s not ok. I Love him. Even if the way we relate to each other changes, it’s not ok for me not to love him. But I have no control over him loving me, and if he chooses to hold back love from me, if he chooses to betray his own heart, there’s not much I can do, is there God?

So what is there to write about in this new year? Besides sad stuff? I kind of want to write about sad stuff because so often we run away from sad stuff. We don’t want to hear about it. We don’t want to deal with it. We just want to leave our pain and resentments and sadness festering beneath the surface and run off to some busyness, as if the sad stuff goes away just because we don’t look at it. It doesn’t go away. It doesn’t. It just grows and grows until it affects your posture and it takes away the light in your eyes. It stays in you until your hair starts falling out and your muscles start hurting from being so tight and guarded all the time. It weighs on your feet and makes it so hard for you to move forward. The sad stuff doesn’t go away until you deal with and heal it.

And everybody doesn’t do this kind of thing. I get it. Everybody doesn’t care about healing everything. Everybody doesn’t care about going deep and mending relationships. Or at least parting ways with the energy of Love. Everybody isn’t as affected by things as I am. But I am affected by things. And I do care about healing everything. Somehow it seems necessary for me.

-People will not understand the urgency. People will not see you as you are. They will not understand why I’m up late at night writing a blog instead of going to sleep. Because I need to get free. You understand? These sad things are like hooks in my back, weighing down my wings, and I need to get free. I need to fly now. I need to get free, you understand? It is not a want any more. It is not a namby pamby wish. It is a need. It is the only thing that sets my soul on fire – the thought of being free. The thought of walking the Earth without these heavy, sad things weighing me down. The thought of smiling just like my niece did tonight and sharing my world so innocently and purely.

And I don’t want to say everyone is wrong. I don’t want call everyone bad and blame everyone, you understand? I just don’t want to anymore. Everyone is doing the best they can, and we are all blind in our own ways. I want to forgive everyone. I just want to. I don’t want to hold anyone hostage to my thoughts anymore. I want to be free. I want to see things as they are. I want each day to be a true new day, not colored by the hurts and fears of my past.

You say it is time today. We have done much work, but this is the big one. It is time now to be free. We can do it today. We’ve been building up to this our whole life. We can make this moment the moment we are free. Look at the sad things. Just look at them. Don’t run from them anymore. They are hooks in your back. Unhinge them. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Tell the truth and forgive. It’s time now. You see, you have come here on a mission. It’s not the same as everyone else’s mission. But your mission, baby, it requires a clean heart. It requires a vessel healed enough to host all the Love and Light that is your gift.

It is time to stand up tall and with all the strength in your heart, let all that shit go. Pull the hooks out. Let. That. Shit. Go. Get rid of the judgements. Do life different now. You know how. You know how, mamma. Let others live their paths and love them. Love them. Love them. Love them. Let your powerful word be laced with kindness always. It is time to be yourself now. You are ready. Straighten up your back, meet the world with your heart, and set yourself free… Set yourself free. Set yourself free…


Day 458
Freedom Songs (On Facing Sadness)

From → Freedom Songs

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