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Day 455 – To Be All Right Already (Self-Acceptance)

November 15, 2016

Good morning world. This is day two of a twenty-one day detox diet that I started. I have a cold. This is also the day that I come back to the world, after taking a five-week spiritual class and doing all sorts of inner work for the past month or so.

I have a cold. Now, I recognize that this cold is going to try and stop me from moving forward today. It wants me to go lie in the bed and call this day a bust. It wants me to not send out the emails I need to send out so that I can start working on a massive new project, and it wants me to not continue with this diet. It wants me to stay in the house and not get my vitamin D from the sun today. It wants me to not write this blog and to not connect with the world like I have been planning on doing today.

Well, guess what, cold? Not happening.

I’m looking at a box of Trader Joe’s Vanilla Sandwich Creme Cookies. They are so yummy. But I can’t eat them today. I can’t eat them for another 19 days. I can’t eat any sugar for another nineteen days. Let me say that again. I can’t eat any sugar for another 19 days. And, after my body goes through all its changes from this detox, I might not want my Trader Joe cookies anymore. Lawdamercy.

I’ve learned so much in this past month that I feel like I’m overfull. I’ve been taking in all of this knowledge and wisdom and Love… Well I’ll be. My Kind just called me and told me he’s leaving work early. Something’s going on in the atmosphere. Last week, My Kind called off work for two days and wanted to hang out with me both days. I think I’ll give him my Trader Joe cookies if I see him today. Keeping them in the house is too tempting.

Lord, what I’d like to do in this moment is become aware of my connection with You. I’d like to thank you for all of the changes that are happening in my life. Oh, everything looks the same from the outside, but on the inside… I am so good. I am so good, God, and I am so grateful. Something shifted in my head. I kind of feel like I have a new brain. And this time, when I come back to the world, it’s not because I want to get anything. It’s because I feel like I have something to offer. Yes, I want to experience real love. Yes, I want to know about money. But I already know about money. Isn’t it crazy? In my two+ years of being sick and out of work, I learned about money.

There’s not an emergency. You don’t have to go scrambling about, investing every ounce of your being into trying to think about how to make money. You will live. You will eat. Trust me. I know you don’t think you will. I know you have things and ways of living that you want to keep. I know you want your own things and you don’t want to have to ask anyone for anything, but what I’m trying to tell you is that there is a life beyond survival mode, and it is so rich, and it will compel you to dig deep and see what else there is to living once you stop worrying about money.

I was forced to stop worrying. I’ve had a job since I was fifteen years old, and I’ve always had my own money, but I was forced, through my sickness, to sit my butt down and stop with all the working for money. And I had to learn how to ask people for help when I needed it. And I had to learn how to be humble. And, because I was at the mercy of other people’s kindness, I learned what real kindness is. I learned what real Love is. I learned how to be there for another human being. I learned about how important it is to see the good potential in the ones you Love when they are at their worst. I had to learn where to find strength from when my body didn’t work and when I thought that I was a nothing. And I found it. I found the strength that had always been in me. I found the power that had always been in me. I found the Love that I had repressed for so long. And I saw all the broken parts of myself that I had been rejecting for so long: all of the pain, all of the disappointments, all of the ugly things. And I embraced them. “Oh you. You have been trying to tell me something all along. You have been trying to wake me up. You have been trying to bring me home…”

I feel like I have been through a beautiful, ugly, magnificent initiation. And now I am ready. Oh, can I tell you how sweet it feels to not hate anyone? Can I tell you how good it feels to forgive? It is the most freeing thing. And to be able to be in the present. I’ve always heard people say that, and I finally understand what it means. It means you can let go of your past, and when you become afraid of something based on your past experiences, you can say, “The past has no power over me” and be in the present, and choose how you want to show up in the present moment. For example, if you’re a woman like me who’s mostly had a bunch of bullshit relationships with guys, and you meet a handsome new guy who asks for your number, you don’t have to have a panic attack and act all weird because you are thinking about how handsome guys in your past crushed your heart. Under their shoe. Lol. You can say, “The past has no power over me” and stop projecting all of things you think might happen onto this new guy, and instead of freaking out, and instead of acting all defensive around him and playing games, you can choose, in the present moment to be open to the good that God has for you, and you choose to see him for exactly who he is.

These are miraculous things that I’ve been learning… I’m happy about them. I feel good enough now. Isn’t that a trip? I know I’ve always been good enough but I never felt like it until now…

I have stuff, you hear? Me. I have me to offer to the world. And that’s good enough, you hear? I know it now. And I don’t have to go around the world trying to be a helper bee and trying to make other people happy. All I have to do is be myself. Be honest. Be True to myself. And my ghetto attitude is going to resonate with someone who is only touched by that language. And my joy is going to give someone else the idea that it’s ok to be joyful even though life doesn’t look so good on the outside… This is the way we help each other. This is the way we are all united.

There comes a time when you must recognize that you are all right already. You, with all your scars and your secrets and your resentments and your self-loathing and your lies. Yes, you. Of course you will change. Of course you will grow. But right now, in this moment, there is a part of you that is good. It has always been there. It will always be there no matter how many layers you try to cover it up with. And that good part of you, well, that’s the real Essence of you. You can Love it right now. You can recognize, right now, that there is something about you which is good, and you can hold your own self in your own arms and nurture that innocent spark of light that lives in you. The rest will fall into place. Eventually you’ll start making changes. But don’t be too hard on yourself. Try Loving yourself. Just give it a try. Try telling yourself “I’m all right already.” You don’t have to live up to all of the world’s expectations to be able to smile. And you don’t have to let all the assholes who want to talk shit about you define who you are. Give yourself your own name. Call yourself all right. Even if you don’t believe it yet, consider the possibility that you’re a good person. Just consider it, and be willing to know it if it’s true… Forgive yourself, just like you forgive all those others… You can do that, you know. You’re all right already, baby. You’re all right…

Ameen.

Day 455
To Be All Right Already (Self Acceptance)

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