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Day 463 – Time To Heal (Hungry Heart)

March 9, 2017

I still can’t write. I’m gonna try this one last time. This is the third time. I think I’m gonna post no matter what comes out of me.

I can feel myself leaving my body. It’s a strange thing that happens. When I don’t want to feel stuff, it feels like my spirit just leaves my body, and I am here, a numb shell, moving through the world, but with no feeling. I try to come back into my body if I notice it happening. I’ll try it now…

Suddenly life is urgent. There is an urgency to get everything out of me, to tell everyone everything I need to say. To be honest. To express and share everything in me with the world. Maybe I am dying. Or maybe I am hungry for life for the first time ever. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks. I don’t want to write about that. I deleted the most recent blog I had posted because my momma said I should tell my business or my family’s business to the world. I had an existential meltdown wondering why I chose to be a writer in the first place and what’s the meaning of doing anything. I met a random predator guy at a coffee shop who told me that God had sent him to tell me to come back to the religion of my family and that it was my destiny to meet him and the he was supposed to be my husband and king. I fell out with my little sis over something small that had triggered the bigger issues we have. I stopped talking to most of my friends because I realized that most of our dynamics were me giving and them taking, and I didn’t feel like I had much to give, nor did I trust that they could offer me much without me agreeing to interact with them in ways that would be detrimental to me.

I found myself very alone in my apartment in the middle of Los Angeles, crying and shit every day. My writing bud and leaving the house helps me get a lot of work done, but when I go home, I crash on my bed for hours.

I realized that I am hungry. I have been hungry for some time without knowing it. I am hungry to live. I am hungry to express my full self. I am hungry to Love. I am hungry to trust and feel safe in the world. I am hungry to have sex. I am yearning to be fully in my body. I am hungry to be alive and to experience, express, create, and contribute what is in me while I have the chance.

I am tired of being pitiful. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being under-expressed and underpaid and undervalued and under-lived. I am tired of bullshitty relationships where each person just cares about themselves and is fake and doesn’t tell the truth or share deeply with one another. I mean, I’m not gonna cut out the people in my life who have been there for me just because they may not be willing or able to express connection on the level that I am, but I realize that I need to have at least one person in my environment who is interested and willing and able to live full out.

This won’t do anymore. This sadness won’t do anymore. I am realizing that relationships are everything to me. I don’t know how I’ve survived so long, creating so many dysfunctional relationships.

It’s time to heal. Everything. It’s time to just tell the truth about everything. I know, everyone doesn’t want to hear the truth if the truth means you’re saying something they don’t want to hear. But if I express the truth with love, it will be received at the right time. I know it.

My life hasn’t been too good. I know it. But there is so much goodness in me. It has been hard. These past years of my life have been so hard. But aren’t you tired of hearing my sad stories? I’m tired of writing them. I hear that not too many people make it to this magic place where they have healthy, loving, honest relationships where they can be and express themselves fully; and where they are doing the dream thing that they want to do with their life, whatever that may be, and where they have more than enough money than they need. I hear that no so many of us are truly content with our lives when we go to sleep. I’m in this group. I have been trying to figure this thing out for some time. How not to cry every day. How to get to the other side of happy.

It’s not the outside stuff. It’s not the money or the accolades. It’s not even “having” the things you thought you wanted, like a man or some kids or a house. Those aren’t the things that bring happiness. You got to deal with what’s inside you. All of the broken pieces. All of the un-forgiveness. All of the unhealed relationships and bitterness. All of the lies. The resentment. The bitterness. The envy. The pride. The pain. It’s heavy. And for some of us, we’ve been carrying it around for years without even knowing.

You can’t make people like you. You can’t make people love you. You can’t make people be there for you in the ways they don’t want to. You can’t make them accept you as you are or even be kind or forgiving towards you. You can’t force people to take care of you. But you can take care of yourself. You can. You can take a good look around and a good look inside and see what you have been doing. See what you have been creating. See what you have been accepting. Right? You can be the kind of person you’ve been looking for. You can be kind. And you can be giving and forgiving. And you can be open and loving. And you can heal the wounds you’ve been carrying. You can. You can take care of the ones you love. You can offer Love in dark places and you can be so good to yourself that you make a space, that you go searching, that you make a point to find others who can give you what you need to help make this life worth living… You don’t have to keep crying. You don’t have to keep starving… The healing isn’t easy, ok? You’re gonna have to face your past. You’re gonna have to face the things your mom says that may still make you feel like shit. You’re gonna have to take a good look at the fucked up stuff that has happened in your life, many of which happened because you allowed them to and chose them. You’re gonna have to take responsibility for some things and there may be moments that you feel like shit and you feel like a loser. You’re gonna have to love the most shitty, weak parts of yourself and forgive yourself for all the silliness. But don’t you want to be free? Don’t you want to be happy again? Don’t you want to have that cloud in your head disappear at last?

I’ve had enough. It’s enough already. I want to be healed and free and live my life more than anything…

I’m gonna go now. Time to heal.

Mwa.

Day 463
Time To Heal (Hungry Heart)

Another poem I wrote:

Hungry Heart

Hungry hearts everywhere refuse to be fed.
Open up, dear.
Stop looking for water in acid pools
Know what you need and let yourself have it.
You have to let yourself have it…
Be patient
Be steadfast
And do your part
Open
Give
Forgive
Let go
And Grow
Harder than it sounds, I know
But you are starving, dear.
Let your heart be fed…

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From → Freedom Songs

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