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Day 462 – The Shift

February 12, 2017

My computer is updated. My blog is updated. My computer got attacked by a virus the other day. I’ve had it for five years and it was our first attack. I had to update my operating system. Now my background screen is red instead of blue.

I logged onto my blog and the setup is updated, too. And me? Well, I got attacked, too. By all manner of things.

And here I am. Upgraded. I guess it had to be done. All manner of thoughts and emotions going through my head. All manner of change in this past month. On Friday, I started my first day as an Assistant Director on a feature film. It’s a leadership position and it’s the first film job that I’ve had in years. I was hired to clean up a mess of a crew and I was scared out of my mind before I started. I didn’t know if I was gonna have a panic attack. I didn’t know if I was gonna get stressed out and get sick. I didn’t know if my hair was gonna fall out. I didn’t know if my emotions were gonna stay stable. I didn’t know if I was gonna do a good job and if people were going to listen to me. But I took the job. And I went into work. And everything went ok. I mean, everyone was horrible, as expected, and certain people didn’t listen to me at first, as expected, but my ghetto girl stubborn background finally came in handy for me. I told everyone off. Yep. Told them I wasn’t going anywhere and we were either going to learn how to work together and help each other or the film was just gonna fall to pieces.

They couldn’t believe how crazy and bold I was. I was able to talk to them like that, because, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to lose, and so I was really able to be how I wanted to be and create what I wanted to create. It was a good day… They listened to me. I earned some respect. We will be moving on…

And today I am sitting at Coffee Bean at the same table that I sat at almost two years ago as I mended a relationship with Sir Deplier. I thought that he would be a great friend of mine and that we would work together to help each other out in life, but it didn’t happen that way. Instead he took me for granted, tried to use me, lied to me… I don’t blame him all the way. After all, I let him. I made it known that I was the kind of person that would give you something for nothing, even if you hurt me.

And I am sitting at Coffee Bean feeling ashamed and proud and thankful as I look at how far I’ve come. I am grieving the death of my old self. Since my last blog entry, I must have parted ways or changed relationship dynamics with at least four different people. They are all people who I loved deeply, but they were hurting me and they just wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t get them to see me as a person who needed to be Loved too. I had set up a pattern that you didn’t have to wish the best for me to be around me, and it was hard to break that pattern with these people. I didn’t completely throw them away. I told them they could come around if they were willing to play nice, but they haven’t…

I am sitting here at the Coffee Bean realizing that if I hadn’t let go of those people, I would probably be sitting in my house right now feeling like shit and feeling like no one in the world loves me. If I hadn’t let go of those people, then I wouldn’t have gone on Facebook, trying to find opportunities to connect with anyone who still believed in life, and stumbled upon the job opportunity which led to the job that I now have. I am sitting here at Coffee Bean being grateful, Allah. I think I’m finally growing into my own skin.

I don’t have much to write about. I have too much to write about. I’m not gonna tell you about my plans or the breakups that I experienced. I will tell you that it was hard. It was very hard to turn down an ex who wanted to plan a Valentine’s date with me when no one has taken me out on a date in a while and I’m bored out of my mind with no courters right now. It was hard to tell another guy he can’t come and visit me when he is the best hugger I’ve ever known and I’ve been needing a hug. It was hard to cut ties with My Kind when he lives right on the next street and has been my companion for over a year. But I had to shift these relationships. Because they were confusing and hurtful. And nobody knew what they wanted. Or rather, hanging out with each other was not leading any of us towards what we wanted. My Kind knows what he wants, but he doesn’t want anyone else to know because then that would make him responsible for his own life, and he’s not ready for that. And the others want me to be their woman, or at least their lover, and, as sweet as they both are, I don’t want to be with them. It doesn’t even matter why. I let go of three others, too, and it was hard, but I finally realized that they don’t like me. lol. I mean, they like me, but they also hate my guts and hope I fail at everything I do because they’re mad that I don’t want to be with me. I know. I asked them. Hehe. Ok, so I did tell you about some of the breakups I experienced.

I’m making it sound like it was easy, but it wasn’t. And I’m making it sound like I have arrived at some magical place in life where everything is all good, but I haven’t. I am still at the same place I was when I wrote the last blog. By myself in my apartment in LA. Unfinished projects. No man. A very handsome man just walked by… Something is shifting, though. Something is clearing up in my brain. When I went on the film set the other day, I recognized something. I used to hate going on film sets because people are so competitive and catty and mean to each other in that environment. But I realized something the other day. It doesn’t have to be that way. When I walked on the set, I realized that I was the only person bold enough to say, “It’s not gonna be this way. No.” I was the only one able to let them see the benefit of working together and being nice to each other. And that was so valuable. That was what they needed.

I am beginning to see that I am valuable, that all my life experiences and everything I’ve been through have brought me to a place where I have something good to offer to the world, and I’m no longer afraid to give it. I’m no longer afraid to have it. I’m just beginning to believe. I’m out of the fog some kind of way. Something in my brain has clicked and I don’t care about how hard it is. I’m going to fight. I’m going to reach out for help. I’m going to grow and develop myself and I’m going to do every and anything I can to be the Light and Love that I was sent here to be. I’m not giving up. Nope. I am going to be my fully actualized, Divine, fabulous self. I am going to live the life I was sent here to live, or I’m gonna die trying. I mean it. I am committed to that…

That’s all there is to it.

Ameen.

Day 462 – The Shift

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From → Freedom Songs

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