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Day 457 – In A World Of Men (Heal Everything)

December 22, 2016

The sun came out today…

I’ve been in a vortex, a sad place for almost a month now. Hard to get off my couch. Used to be the bed. I have a couch now that calls me and pins me down when I am feeling sad. I was doing so very well, and then the first thing that happened is that my class at my spiritual center ended.

I was loving that class so much: the people, the stuff I was learning, the practices that were blowing my mind and making magic happen. And then it ended. The class was over. The daily practices that were having me so in tune with everything were over. The people were gone.
And I was by myself. While taking the class, I met such amazing men. The men in my life are always a sign of how my life is changing. I promise you, throughout the years, it’s like vortexes open up. I meet certain “kinds” of men, and I find that they usually reflect where I’m at and what I want in my life. The funny thing is, before meeting these “kinds” of men, it’s like I never knew they existed in the world…

When I was younger, I used to meet the bad boys. Ex cons, drug dealers, drug users, cheaters, gangsters… They were my introduction to men. And I thought that men were like that. My dad was a “bad boy”, a cheater and psychologically abusive manipulator of my mom, so I thought that’s just how men were… But then I got out of the bad boy vortex and I met super square guys. Guys who came from two parent households and had never been traumatized in their life. What a world. And along the way, there have been all kinds of men. The youngees, the oldies, the fabulous ones, the rich and famous ones, the powerful ones, the powerless ones, the ones who are living their dreams, the ones who have given up on their dreams, the ones who never tried… Men have been my doorway into the inner workings of the world. I’m not ashamed of it. Call me a whore. Or a Love addict. Or whatever you will. It’s all right. I’m just a woman trying to figure this thing out like all of us and men, and my relationships with them, have been my greatest teachers.

So a new wave of men came my way while I was doing the class at my spiritual class. The thing that they all had in common is that they seemed to be intentional, meaning, they seemed to be the kind of men who look at a situation and say something like, “I want to create a loving kind relationship” and then go about the business of creating things in their lives. They seemed brave. The one man who a decided to journey with for a while was named Phillip. He gets a real name. He was Super Fine. Tall, in tip-top shape, confident yet humble, discerning, intentional… I thought he was gonna be the one, but after a few weeks, he told me that he wasn’t ready to build a relationship with anyone. He had just gotten out of a very painful relationship and was going through a custody battle with his ex, and he just wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to hurt me, he said, and he left my life.

And I looked around, and no one was here. It was just me. My Kind was still around, but My Kind is the opposite of intentional, and he’d just be checking in with me waiting for me to tell him what to do while drifting further and further away from me energetically… I was alone.

I was so alone. A woman alone in the world. I admit, I have had worse problems before, but this loneliness – well, I hadn’t felt such loneliness since I was a preteen telling my mom that I had no friends… I had no friends. I had no man. And I had family, but I wasn’t living life with any of them, nor did I want to jump into any of their vortexes at the time. It seems like we all live in these different worlds. But here I was, in my own world. A world of deep sadness.

My first thought was to run: find a friend. Find a man. Find something to get into. I didn’t want to feel the feelings I was feeling. They felt so bad. I didn’t want to think the thoughts I was thinking. I was so mad at men. I was so disappointed. I was mad at the whole world. I was mad at the way so few people really love each, when we all say we want love. I was mad at the assholes who didn’t follow their hearts and compromised their true desires so much. My mom called to yell at me about working a job I said I wasn’t going to work, and I was mad at her for not knowing how to just love without trying to control… I was mad at myself for being here by myself with so few authentic connections. How could a deep, sensitive girl like me be in the world with no one to hold? With no one who knew how to hold her and touch her heart and soul.

I went against my first thought and decided not to run from my feelings. Much of my life had been created in response to me running away from my feelings: trying not to feel sad, trying not to feel lonely, trying not to cry every day. I had learned all this stuff in my spiritual class, and one of things we were taught is to embrace our darkest nights until we can see what the gift in them is.

So I embraced it. I embraced my sad, sad sadness. And I let myself think all the thoughts that I had been avoiding for so long. I dealt with it. I dealt with my anger towards my mom. I dealt with my brother betraying me so, so long ago. I had been holding on to my anger and pain from that for so long, and therein was the seed. Therein was the seed that formed the foundation for the relationships I have had with men for so long. Most of my relationships with men have been so similar to the relationship that I had with my brother: deep deep connecting and joy followed by unexplained abandonment and betrayal and finalized by blaming me for messing everything up because I was bad… I dealt with all of the things that I believed about single women my age, all of the things that I believed about women in general: that we were weak, that we weren’t supposed to do anything in life unless we were tied to the hips of a man. I even was lead to read a chapter from the spiritual book that I grew up with, and I read the verse that said that I was a bad person, and impure: another seed deeply planted in me. The belief that was bad and not pure… Nobody knows these things about me. They think I have it all together. Nobody knows that going deep and seeing all that is within you, well.. it can knock your socks off sometimes.

I looked back at my brother and I saw the ways I had harmed him all this time. In defense of my own self, I had always treated him like he was a nobody. I had always acted like he was stupid and like he wasn’t a good person and, by extension, I had treated most of the men I’d been with the same way. There it was. There was the erroneous behavior pattern that had been sabotaging many of my most sacred relationships. I found it in the middle of my dry heaving and tears…

Today the sun came out. I wrote forgiveness statements to my brother and so many others. I forgave myself. Everyone won’t understand this process that I’m going through. People will have their judgements and everyone won’t be willing to forgive me and move on… But I forgave myself.

And the tears stopped. Not because I ran away from them. Not because I pretended like I didn’t feel what I felt: of course I want to Love and be Loved. Who doesn’t? The tears stopped because I cried them all. Finally. I cried them all.

And after I had cried and cried, I made a decision. I decided to name myself pure and good and worthy of a greater Love than I have ever imagined. I know. This is the stuff of fairy tales and self-help books. I know that I don’t really know anyone who has the kind of Love that I want for myself. I know. Relationships ain’t shit. I know. But I also know that that’s not the whole story. I know that there are so many kinds of experiences that I have never even imagined I could have. I know this from my experiences with men. There are all kinds of people in the world… And I believe, God. I believe in the promise of a grand, glorious, wonderful life and Love, and I’m holding on to that promise until it unfolds as my reality. And I’m gonna help others hold on to their deepest heart’s desires. I’m in it to win it…

Yesterday, my baby niece told her mom to Facetime me. And I saw my two little buddies, my two-year-old niece and four-year-old nephew. They made my day. I Love them so much and I do believe they love me, too.

Today I went out into the world. I went to a car auction. I was the only woman there, and there were all these rough looking men in mechanic suits with long hair and full grown beards and scruffy clothes. I was dressed just about as natural as I could be: ghetto with a faux name brand hoodie, tight jeans, a spaghetti strap shirt and old lady tennis shoes. My hair wasn’t combed and it was in a super natural tomboy style. I had some fake gold hoop earrings on and my glasses. It was me. The way I was dressed today represented exactly who I really am, and for some reason I wasn’t nervous. I was over being nervous. I just wanted to buy a cheap car so that I could sell it and double or triple or multiply my investment exponentially… And strange thing happened. As I walked into the auction, the men greeted me with their eyes. It was like gangsters acknowledging another gangster. I felt respected. And when the auction started, and I started to bid, a few men advised me on which cars I shouldn’t bid on (I had come too late to go inspect the cars myself). “That one doesn’t start up,” they told me. “This one has a bad engine.” I left the auction before it was over, and the auctioneer stopped his auctioning to make a joke with me about leaving and tell me he was glad I came. “I hope you come back,” he said…

Later, I went to the grocery store, and I saw this sweet looking tall guy smiling at me. He was so handsome. He spoke with an accent and asked me how my day was. I spoke with a smile and told him my day was good. I resisted the urge to ask him to marry me immediately. lol. Instead I went about my way, thankful, God, for the hope and the signs that you give me.

I am woman, but I can be OK in a world of men. Men can be supportive and bringers of good news. That is what I learned today. I don’t have to act like I don’t want a man. Of course I want a man. But I can be patient. I’m being patient. I’ve had enough good times tied to the hip of some man. I can be patient now and wait for the man who is ready, willing, and able to breathe life into a Queen…. In the meantime, I’m going Queen up. At my own pace. Deal with myself. Heal everything. Heal everything. Can’t keep walking with all of these wounds like weights around my feet. Heal everything. These are freedom songs. Heal everything. It was Love that You sent me for. I know it. Heal everything. Let my big, strong Loving heart be free to thrive at last… Heal everything…

I’m gonna keep on, God. I’m committed. I’m gonna keeping on being me. I’m gonna keep on getting stronger. I’m gonna keep on moving forward. I’m going to keep on practicing all of the wonderful things you are teaching me. I’m not giving up on me. I’m not giving up on the promise to fulfill this destiny of mine. I’m encouraged. And I am grateful.

Thank you so much.


Day 457
In A World Of Men (Heal Everything)

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