So… I’m bored out of my mind. My phone rings from someone who is inevitably going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do or say something to chastise or guilt me because I’m not doing what they want…
I am feeling sad, but I want to write something good. Tough summer. First summer in a long time that I didn’t skip town or do anything that brings me much joy. Besides my brief week of summer Love with Phillip, this summer has been full of me being swept into my family vortex mostly and fighting for balance and stability in my mind and body.
Today I went to my spiritual center, and the sermon was beautiful. The speaker spoke about us giving our gifts to the world. For the past couple of years, I have been flooded with this philosophy of life. I’m sure there’s a name for it. Basically, the philosophy is that we all have a unique purpose and mission here on Earth, and our job here is to figure it out what that mission is, and then do it. Sounds easy. Also in this philosophy is the belief that you will discover your mission by being really honest about what your true dreams, gifts and capacities are. They also say that it is possible to have all of your needs met, to live your dream life and to be happy. They say that we humans are One, all connected to each other, and they understand the omnipresence of God to mean that God is not just a big man in the sky, but that God exists in every living thing, for He wouldn’t be omnipresent if he were not in humans as well. And he’s not a he. Or a she. Or an it. He’s a he and a she and an it.
The most disturbing thing about this philosophy is the belief that your dreams can come true. If you have been struggling for a while and around you, all you see is people who have given up on their dreams, tried and failed, or never even dared to dream them, and you are included in that bunch, then sometimes it is hard to really invest your time into trying to make a dream come true. Because you don’t really believe it will happen. So you focus on the things you know you can control: a job that pays bills, a relationship that is not necessarily fulfilling but at least keeps you from being alone, etc. etc.
So I am here. In Panera Bread… A friend is texting me. I don’t have so many friends, but I love the few that I have. They are loving, kind, strong people, and they have been here journeying with me, keeping me from drowning, and showering me with love when I need it. Today a friend is texting me, “You are always on my mind and holding space in prayer for you all the time. You are blessed.”
I guess that’s what I needed to hear right about now, before I write this blog down a deep, dark tunnel. Thank you, God. The truth of the matter is, I am in doubt. Not totally despairing, but doubting whether or not any of my dreams will come true. Doubting whether I’m really supposed to be a writer and whether any of my projects will ever see the light of day. Doubting if I’ll ever have this magical loving relationship that I dream of and kids. Wondering if I’ll do anything to help people around the world live their dream lives. Can’t even imagine living in a house somewhere surrounded by green things with loving, open people around. Can’t imagine success and joy. Questioning whether I should keep going down this path or just give up.
It has been hard, Allah. It has been hard to know that I will never have my mother’s approval if I choose to practice the spiritual path I really believe in. It has been hard being rejected and abandoned by men I love. Seeing and accepting things as they are has been hard for me. I have been lonely, even though I’m surrounded by people. I have the food and they eat, and that is fine, except I become depleted and it has been hard to find sources of nourishment that can feed me like I need.
So here we are. I knew the title of this blog before I started writing. I am in doubt, and I want to figure out what to do about it. I long for a very different experience of life, but I doubt whether I will be able to create and have it. And I don’t know what to do. This past month, I have literally been sitting with chattering teeth, shaky legs, headaches, so many tears and such pain and sadness from facing things. I guess there’s only three things to do when in doubt: move forward, move backwards, or stay still.
You made all of these promises, Allah, in your books and through your prophets and people, but what if they aren’t true? What if I follow my heart and spirit and end up like I’ve been ending up – rejected, abandoned, alone, hated on… in pain?
I think what you do when in doubt is choose. The only thing you ever can do is choose. I am a single woman. In my thirties. Living in the middle of one of the saddest cities in the world. I have a little money in the bank, a few degrees, a lot of different work skills, a cute shape, a loving heart, and a soothing voice.
What I am deciding in this moment is whether or not to finish and submit this project that could either change my life or make me feel like a failure again. I could finish this project or I could not… Truth of the matter is, the things we learn in my spiritual center sound too good to be true. I don’t believe them wholeheartedly, even though I want to. But I don’t believe that we are here on this Earth just to eek out a meagre existence and try not to die and learn how to cope with our pains either.
Here in Panera Bread, I am making a decision – again. How will I do it, God? What will I say when my mom tries to guilt me for not sacrificing my dreams to take care of someone who doesn’t need me? How will I make it through the loneliness and find the strength to get up and take action when I don’t know where it will lead? How will I believe?
And you say to me, take it slow. Let’s do this week, OK? I don’t have to believe. The thing is, I haven’t given up. I can choose to give up, but my stubborn heart won’t let me. If I’m going to be on this path, then commit and be on this path. That’s it. It the same message over and over. Choose and commit. So again, I choose. This week, take action. Take the actions that have been goading you. Take action. Make a plan. Implement. Take action. That’s it. You don’t have to believe. As you walk, you will see that it gets easier. So walk, my baby. Now is the time to have a new experience of life. Walk, my baby. Walk…
Day 477
When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)
I failed… I was supposed to finish a writing project by yesterday, but I didn’t. My writing bud finished her project.
I haven’t wanted to write. Haven’t been able to write. Been mad at writing. Been mad at me and mad at the world. Being pushed around in a vortex of things that have nothing to do with what I want. Perhaps I could change my perspective and make everything that has happened have everything to do with what I want, but that’s not the point.
If I’m being honest, everything that has happened is everything that was needed for me to grow. I’ve been a punk. Been being bullied by the will of the world, and yesterday, I realized that I have to put my own will into the equation or nothing will ever change.
So much has happened that I don’t even know where to start. I will start in the present. I am at home. In LA. In my apartment at a table in the corner. To my left, there are my wall windows with a view of some trees in the courtyard and the parking lot. To my right is my wall heater and a book shelf. I’m feeling crazy and I’m going to go and light some sage and light an incense before I continue writing…
Burnt the sage and incense and then got caught up on two phone calls before I came back to computer. Burning more sage and incense… OK. Back to my writing…
I am pushing through. There is a part of me that wants to get off this computer, curl up into a fetus position, burst out crying and call it a day. There is a part of me that wants to run out to the ocean and just keep running or find some man or some silliness to distract me so that I don’t have to feel all of the craziness that I’m feeling. And there is a part of me that wants to push through these feelings and do something good with my life.
I’m choosing the part that wants to do something good with my life, but it’s hard. My family thinks I’m selfish or that I’m crazy or that I’m whatever. I have been all caught up in my family vortex for almost a month, and to no one’s real benefit. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about them, being with them, participating in, planning or orchestrating one event or the other, talking to them, giving rides, watching news or whatever with them. I come home trembling and crying. I don’t always even know the reason why.
I want them to approve of me. I want them to like me. I want them to say I am good. I want them to care about me and help me with things that are hard for me. But mostly they do not. Mostly they think that – no matter what is going on in my life – my life is easy and their life is hard and I should be the one doing the caring and helping…
I let my writing buddy down. I let myself down. I got caught up in this vortex, and now I am here, writing for the first time in a week.
Here is the pattern: life goes good, then get caught up in something. Family. Man. Money. Fear. Then get depressed and/or sick. Fall down. Stay down for a while. Repeat. This time, a new element has been added to the pattern. We are at the end of the fall down stay down for a while part, and i am thinking about the getting back up, but I don’t want to do these same things again. I don’t want to live this same pattern or this same life anymore…
I am grateful for a moment to escape the vortex and think my own thoughts, God. I will start with accepting what I don’t and do have. I went out into the world this past month with eyes open, and it was painful to see what all is there. I am a tough cookie, but my real self is a butterfly. I am both, and I can be strong when needed, but I long for a place where I don’t have to be strong. Where I can be soft and kindness will be given regardless. I long for a place where I can be open and people won’t use me because I am giving. I long for an experience of being seen and being held and being taken care of, even if I am undeserving. Because I know in the course of my lifetime, I must have done some things good. I know I am not perfect, but I also know that I am not a destroyer. I am a person who breaths life into others on purpose, and I went into the world hoping to find the experience of others who do the same. And I found it. And I didn’t. Mostly I found that the world was the same as it had always been, but I had never noticed the pain and the sadness that was so prevalent everywhere before… Mostly I noticed that I had grown a lot…
My family is texting me asking me what time I’m coming over to celebrate my niece’s birthday. Geez Louise… Do you know what I want to do? I want to sort myself out. I want to get my shit together. I don’t really want to be in the family vortex right now. It mostly takes me away from everything I want to do. Is that selfish? They are mad at me. For having free time. For spending my free time writing or doing whatever the heck I want to do instead of dedicating my life to hanging out with them or doing whatever they want to do. They don’t really believe that this writing thing I do is important. They don’t really believe that I’m going to make it. And I can’t blame them. They’ve never known anyone make it in the arts, and I’ve been doing this thing for a while and haven’t “made it” yet, so why would they believe that at some point I’m going to have a $500,000+ check for some random story that I made out of my head? Why would they believe that I could have any of the things I ever dreamed of when I’ve never had it?
I ask myself the same question and have to concede that I am slightly insane to believe that I could live a life that is so rare – a dream life. And I have to be real with myself. That’s what I’m doing now. That’s why I’m writing this blog. Because I am a middle aged woman with nothing but choice. OK. That’s the truth. I have a little money in a bank account, a car, an apartment in my name in LA, a writing power partner, two very supportive friends, one kind of supportive friend, an old Mac computer, and angels who come and go into my life. I have the family I was born into. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are assholes. Somehow I am deeply bound to all of them whether I like it or not.
Right now, I am torn between the desire to go and hang out with my niece, help make her birthday exciting and fun, and also see my sis and her baby and make them feel like I love them and they are important. I can do that, or I can stay home and sort my brain and all these feelings out, and clean up my apartment, and find a way to make some income next week and actually work on completing this potential $500,000 script. I can’t do both. But even as I write this blog, I feel a tingling in my hands and I feel guilty about not going towards my family and helping them.
And this has been bothering me. This thing that I’m supposed to be there for people has been bothering me, because I realize I can’t be there for them and finish my work in the time that I’ve planned to. Not now. Not with these particular people. And if I don’t finish my work in the time that I’ve planned my money will run out and I will have to go back into survival mode and pick any old job. And I’m not sure if I’ll have the willpower or the faith to focus on my dreams if I don’t do it now. Honestly, if I don’t do it now, while I have nothing distracting me but other people’s lives, I don’t think I’ll believe that I have what it takes to do it…
So here we are. With this long ass blog. And it is leading me somewhere, but it is up to me where it takes me. It can take me deep into depression or it can find the way out into something new. The ocean, the bed, or the unknown. These are my choices… Stopped writing and did one of my Feminine Power practices, one where you get in touch with what you’re feeling and what you need.
I choose to move forward into the unknown. I choose to move forward into a new experience of life. I’ve tasted it in Phillip’s hug. I’ve tasted it with some of my family members sometimes. I’ve tasted it in seminars and at certain people’s houses. I’ve felt it in Hawaii. I’ve seen it in others: a place of goodness and peace. A place of harmony. A place of safety and power. A place where there is no punishment for success and happiness. I know it exists, and I know that once I am there, I will help lift others up. That is what I’m here for, after all. But I’ve got to get there. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at happiness. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at peace. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at health, and I know what to do.
What is needed is a refocusing, a realigning, and a choosing. My hands shake. I accept. This is where I am. Sometimes the help I want comes from the places I want it from, and sometimes pain comes from the places where I would have liked Love. I accept. Sometimes I am gifted in ways I couldn’t imagine. I accept. Sometimes I am a gift in ways I never tried to be. I accept. My jaw trembles and my teeth chatter. I accept. A healing is taking place, a breaking through. I accept. I am powerful. I accept. I am fragile. I accept. I am good and I am bad and sometimes none of it makes sense. I accept. I am connected to everything outside of me and I am responsible for everything inside of me. I accept.
Use wisdom now, You tell me through my friends. Sort yourself out. Accept what you have and don’t have. Choose and know that choosing one thing means not choosing another. Sometimes you can have both, but sometimes you can’t have rest and be active. Choose the choices needed to live your destiny. Choose to live your destiny. Now you focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. Not selfish. Focus. Different. Focus. Communicate. Some will understand. Some will not. Some will help. Some will hate. Focus. Do not judge them for the role they play. Focus. Allow. Accept. Surrender. Focus. Do you see the place where peace exists? Can you feel it even now? Focus, communicate and let it go. Now, with Me, hand in hand, we plan the next steps and we take them. Plan and walk. That is our way for now. Plan and walk. Plan and walk. And focus. Things will come your way. Discern. You must be a wise one now, for you are a wise one now. Plan and walk and focus. And goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life. And you shall dwell in My house forever… Ameen.
Day 476
Focus
It occurs to me that the world does not stop turning, even if you stop moving, and if you stop moving and the world is still turning, you are in fact moving backwards…
These days have been moving fast, and I have been being pushed along with them. There are many tears in me still. Some of them, I don’t even know why they come. But they don’t feel so sad and heavy like they used to. Isn’t it funny that people cry when they are happy and also when they are sad?
These tears are not happy or sad. They are movement tears. I don’t have words for them, but they feel like a release.
So many things have happened in these past few weeks that I don’t even know what to hone in on. Two teenagers, my niece and nephew are coming into town today and they will bring their beautiful innocence and hope with them… What do you, feel, my Inner Voice asks, and I feel hope and Love and a bit of grief. What do you need, It asks, and I need hope and Love.
I’m not quite confused. I don’t know what this feeling is that I’m having. I don’t know where this place is that I’m at. I’ve never been here before. But that if I write it down, I will figure it out.
What is happening is movement. Not completely, but I scrubbed the walls that I’ve been meaning to scrub for years. I scrubbed the floors. I washed the clothes and the curtains and the cabinet linings. There’s more to do, but this little bit was monumental for me, because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. I finished braiding my hair. Finished the last module in my Feminine Power course. Saw My Kind on the street this weekend. Spent time with an old friend. Spent time with mom and family. Was supposed to meet up with a friend who always flakes on me to talk about how he always flakes on me, but he flaked on the meeting after having me walk through pissy smells and homeless people to meet him at a train station that he wasn’t at. It’s kind of funny when I write it. My flaky friend flaked on the meeting we were supposed to have about his flakiness. Hehe. Had a conversation with Phillip, wherein he told me (again) that he’s going through so much stuff in his life and is unavailable for any kind of romantic relationship and he’s sorry for hanging out with me this past month because he shouldn’t have even spent any time with me, knowing that he’s unavailable for a relationship. -_-
I’m just that awesome that he couldn’t resist my company… -_-
I think that is what I’m thinking about most. Phillip and My Kind. And my writing. I’ve been going strong. Over 25 days of consistent progress on my projects. Life possible. Writing possible. Had another convo with a friend who wants me to go into business with her. That’s another blog entry, though.
In my mind, I see a road moving forward. And then I see all these things on the side. Phillip and My Kind and some of my relationships are on the side. It’s not that they’re good or bad. It’s just that they are on the side, you see. They are ok to stop and chat with for a time, but they are not on the road that goes where I want to go.
It dawned on me that all of these painful relationships are silly now. That I know better now. It is entirely possible to just meet a good man who is available and who just likes me exactly as I am, who champions me and helps me in the areas where I am weak instead of criticizing me and leaving me to die. It is entirely possible to be held and lifted and loved by someone who wants to do exactly that for me. It is entirely possible to meet someone who is open to receiving the gifts I have to give and who appreciates those things. It is entirely possible that there is some man on this planet who makes me feel better when I’m with him, and I make him feel better when he’s with me. I know these things are possible and all of the other things are just silly now. Once upon a time, I didn’t know. I was so caught up in so much pain that I couldn’t see what was good for me. I didn’t believe that I could have any of the things I dreamed of, and I was so alone… I didn’t know that I had power. I had the power to create things and have a say in how I would like things to go. They don’t teach women these things… And once upon a time, not too long ago, I didn’t know that good things were possible for me.
But I know it now. And knowing it, I have to do life different… I knew I’d get to the point of this blog eventually. The point is, I know better now. I know better than to be engaging with some guy who has told me in no uncertain terms that he ain’t looking for no woman… I know better than to let sad things sit in my heart too long without addressing them. It’s time to integrate all of this stuff I’ve been learning over the years. I know better…
A man from my past is texting me as I type this blog. Random. Met him over seven years ago. Went out on a few dates. Found out he was on drugs, heavy. Disqualified. Ran into him randomly the other day as I was driving in my mom’s neighborhood. He’s not on drugs anymore. Go figure. Now he’s texting me telling me that he got some new clothes so that he can look presentable when we meet up… Random.
But I see You, God. The truth of the matter is, Love shouldn’t be that hard. It just shouldn’t. It isn’t. We are so afraid of so many good things. We are so afraid of being hurt, and so we hold back our love, manipulate, lie, aren’t present, don’t give, guard our hearts, do so many silly things to the ones we love, aren’t there for each other, don’t support one another… And we put up with so much shit. Giving pearls to swine. I finally understand that term. Offering our lives and hearts to ones who never said or showed that they would take good care of us. I am guilty of it all. Being the perpetrator and the victim.
But now I know better. I just do. And what I know is that we don’t control much, but we do have a choice on some things. And we can choose: forward or backwards. Love or not Love. Move or stay still. Open or close. Circle or line. Create or destroy. Take responsibility or give away power. We can choose these things. Avoid or confront. Move forward. Move forward. Move forward… Towards your real dreams. Not someone else’s dream for you. Your own dream. You can have it. It may take some time. It may take some work. And I am telling you before having anything, but I have some things. I have tears that do not hurt for once in my life. I have a clear mind for once and I didn’t always have this. I have a clean apartment. It’s small but it’s huge. I have my sense of self back. I have my spirit in my body. And I have hope and Love in my belly, the very things I need to take my next step.
Move forward… You can have your dreams. You can choose.
Day 475
The Road Forward (Choose)
Sometimes, like now, You remind me that life is good even when it doesn’t look that way.
We have been riding this wave, mostly struggling to stay on top of the water, sometimes almost drowning, on occasion swimming, and on blessed moments floating on our backs like we do in Hawaii, letting ourselves be carried easily by You.
And You remind me, on days like today, that as long as we are alive, there is hope and life can be good.
I met with my writing bud today. She is actually my power partner. First of all, she is a she. Anyone who knows me knows that most of my friends are he’s. But I’ve been trying really hard to make some she friends. And for the past few months, I’ve been looking for a power partner. A power partner is someone who stands with you and helps you move forward on an understood vision for your life. It is a reciprocal relationship wherein the two of you provide tangible support, encouragement and feedback to one another. The foundation of these kinds of relationships has to be harmony. You can’t have any bad energy towards one another. Also, you must be at a similar place in life. I’m not talking about your socioeconomic status, but I’m talking about the level of commitment you are willing and able to make. The two of you must be willing and able to commit to take the necessary actions that will lead you towards the having and the becoming of your vision.
So I took this Feminine Power course. I started it months ago. And the part of the course that really resonated with me the most was this concept of having a power partner. My lonely behind had been going it all alone, and I was really excited about the prospect of having someone on my team and having someone who would actually accept my support without resenting me for helping them.
I reached out to friends. I reached out to family. I reached out to men. But folks were either not willing or not able to do the power partner thing. They’d either say no, or they’d say yes and then not answer my phone calls, or cancel meet ups, or not do whatever work we were supposed to do, or make the relationship one-sided, as in I help them with everything and then when I start talking or needing help, they aren’t there… One professional lady that I reached out to just flat out ignored my request for some months…
I gave up on the power partner idea, and reached out for a writing bud instead. I just put an ad on one of my social media groups saying that I was looking for a writing partner. And I met this lady. I wrote about her before. She’s awesome. I mean, she’s a flawed human being like all of us, but she’s awesome to me.
Today she treated me to lunch. And do you know why? We had made this 21 day writing commitment and both of us were doing really well. And yesterday she said she wanted to treat me to lunch to show her appreciation for me being so supportive. I hadn’t done anything unusual. I had done the normal type of stuff that I do with most of my relationships: share resources, help where I can, give feedback. But I do believe that I can count on one hand the number of times that anyone has done anything for me to show their appreciation for me just being me and doing the things I do naturally. Mostly people criticize me and ask me why I’m not doing or being something more…
It was a good feeling. It was an awesome feeling. At our lunch meeting, we talked about next steps for our writing progress, and then I realized it. She is my power partner. We have the dynamic and are doing everything that power partners do. And I am excited to not be alone in this, Allah.
It has been lonely being me. I didn’t even realize it, but I have been lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I am always surrounded by people. I have a huge family and enough friends, but I had been missing a thing that I didn’t even know I was missing.
In most of my relationships, there is a harshness, a wall, something disingenuous, some unresolved gripe that no one will tell me about, a guardedness, a pull… someone wanting me to be or do something I’m not being or doing and resenting me for it.
This feeling – the feeling of being appreciated and valued just because I do what I do naturally; someone expressing that to me and not coupling it with a frown or an attack on the way I eat or a request for me to do something I don’t want to do; someone encouraging me to do better and believing that I can and will without criticism; someone asking what I need and being willing to help when they find out the answer; someone not competing with me and wanting to offer something to my life and being able to offer; someone not resenting me or feeling bad or jealous when I do well… a female especially??? This is new stuff.
And I’m grateful for it.
So many other things have happened since my last entry. My Phillip love has gone back to the crazy land of being unavailable to have any of the things he wants. We talked. He told me his life was a wreck and that he was in no position to court a woman the way he would want to court a woman. He told me he kept his distance from me because he didn’t want to hurt me. I wanted to say, “No! You can be available right now. Just decide to be. You won’t hurt me.” Or I wanted to find all the ways I could to convince him to be a part of my life here and now. But I didn’t. I decided that maybe he was unavailable, or maybe he was just unavailable to me, and the right woman would open up his heart and mind and the right man would recognize me as the right woman for him.
I cried. He was so beautiful. If I’m being honest, I do believe I saw him in a dream some years ago. He didn’t give me enough or receive enough from me for me to miss him, but I miss the idea that he incited. I miss the energy that he aroused. This concept of man and woman bringing each other alive had been dormant in me before he hugged me. In his hug, I understood that somewhere on the planet, there is a species of men that actually intend to protect women and offer us safe arms. I felt it. I felt his intention. It was such a short moment, but it was real. And just like today, it was something I’d only ever dreamed of, but hadn’t experienced much as an adult.
And I am amazed and humbled by all of the beautiful things in life that I am just beginning to experience and know about. And I am grateful for this glimpse into another world, this respite that you have given me, Allah. I am so grateful.
Ameen.
Day 474
The Beautiful Things
I’ve been so busy. I told myself I’m going to learn how to have a social life and be productive at the same time, and well… I’m still learning. Although I must say, I have been being productive in areas of character and emotion.
There’s so much to write about. I can’t write it all right now, but I want to get some things out before I head out for the day. Clouds, enveloping, pass. Know that the sun is always there. And the moment arrives when the wind blows a certain way and allows for you to see that there is hope. The sun still shines. All along, it has been shining. Look for it. Wait for it. Pray for it. The sun still shines behind the clouds. The sun still shines…
Day 473
Sun and Clouds
I feel guilty… I’m kind of over My Kind. And kind of into someone new. Phillip. He’s made it to this blog before. I’ll talk about all that later. Right now I want to talk about this feeling.
Overwhelming. Good. Grateful. With a sliver of guilt. I don’t like to give up on people. I like to hope until the end of time that one day they will be good. I’m sure it has something to do with my dad. He was a good dad (to me), but I can’t speak for the rest of my siblings, and he was a horrible husband. But I always wanted to see the good in him. I always wanted him to be good.
Anyway, I had a meet-up almost date with Phillip last Wednesday. I’ve been buzzing ever since. My sis said I’ve told this story before, and maybe I have, but this time it is slightly different. This time I am here and now in the present cognizant of what’s really going on with me and with him and dealing with reality, and I think this is a first. What is going on with me is that after I met up with Phillip at his job (he’s a sexy landlord/realtor/architect and I met him at a house that he was taking doors and windows off of before they demolished it. He’s going to use the 1920’s detailing from the demolished house to put on the new house he’s buying. Tehee)… after I met up with Phillip at his job this past Wednesday, he hugged me.
We hung out on the steps of this house, listening to music, talking, and him with his power tools showing me around and telling me about detailing and demolition. He told me the truth. He said it in these words – he said that the reason he’s been keeping his distance is because he has so much going on in his world that he’s not available to court me the way he would like to court me. He said that he’s so attracted to me that he thinks he would try to sleep with me if we spent too much time together, and he knows we would both be hurt if we did anything physical at this moment in time. I can count on two fingers the number of honorable men I have dated in my life. My People was the first. Phillip is the second.
I do believe I fell in love with him. I know. I heard the part about him being unavailable to court me. I also heard him use the word court. That old fashioned, beautiful word. When I was leaving his job site on Wednesday, he hugged me. It was more than a hug. I had on this skanky shirt that kind of had some of my back out, and he put his hands on my back. I had to tip-toe to hug him just right, but I let myself fall into him. And he caressed my back. He’s a big dude, but his touch was so gentle and loving. “Are you, okay?” he asked. I was. “Where are you?” he asked, and I told him I was there. With him. “Stay with me,” he said. “Stay here with me”… I did.
I know. He said his life is a mess and he’s unavailable to court me right now, but I felt like a teenage girl when I was with him. I have been missing out on the sweetest things in life… Standing there in his embrace, I remembered that I am a woman. I had forgotten. He reminded me of what men and women do for each other. We bring each other out of the cold…
My body has been alive since that Wednesday, full of passion. My heart has been beating. To be honest, it’s a little frustrating, because I know that being available or unavailable is simply a choice, but I can’t tell him that… And to be honest, I’m not 100% sure if I would be with him, because I actually love myself these days, and as such, I can’t really give my heart to someone 100% if they haven’t shown me that they will take good care of it. And he hasn’t shown me that yet.
But I am glad. To have had that experience. I am glad to have seen the golden, beautiful possibility of an honest Love. It blows my mind when I become aware of all the ways people are living life… I think if men want to help change the world, they should pick a woman and Love her. Love her fully. Don’t cheat on her. Don’t abuse her. Don’t lie to her. Don’t manipulate her. Don’t try and control her or make her smaller or dumber or less powerful than she is. Look at her and choose to breathe life into her and see how she glows and how much life she will breathe into the world.
God Allah, for once in my life I’m going to be grown up. I’m not going to pretend that I have a relationship I don’t have, but I’m going to believe that everything is working together for my good, like You said, and I’m going to take this beautiful embrace as a sign of what can be in store for me. I will keep being patient. I will keep doing the work. I will keep praying…
My Kind? Well, I really Loved him. He’s such a goof troop and he has the best amber eyes. And I now he was really into me… But I can’t make him choose me. Phillip either. No one. So, I’ll keep taking Your lead, Allah. I’ll keep being true to my heart, but I recalibrate my will so that I can walk towards open doors; so that I may choose the things that are choosing me. I know that if I stay open, I will find my way into the beautiful embrace of the one my heart has been yearning for all along. I know it. I accept it. And I receive it. And so it is.
Thank you. Ameen.
Day 472
A Beautiful Embrace
Hi. It’s 12:09 am. I should be going to sleep, but I had one last thing on my to-do list, which is to do “emotional clean-up”, and I’m going to do so by blogging, as any other stuff might take me many hours.
Hello world. It was a good day today. I got a lot done. I was feeling like shit. I won’t get into it, but my therapist friend did this process on me where I allow myself to feel everything, whether good or bad, and so for the past few days, I’ve been feeling all this sad stuff that I thought I had already gotten over feeling. I was feeling super lonely and alone and heartbroken. I was feeling really unloved and not supported in the ways that I need and I was mad at the fact that I have so many people in my life, but so few that I can go to and just share a joyous, unguarded, open moment with. I was recognizing a deep need for joy in my life.
And so I cried a lot. But something interesting happened today. Normally, when I feel sad, I just go to the bed and go to sleep and don’t do very much. But today, I woke up feeling sad, and I got more done today than I’ve gotten done in a while. Today I practiced some of the stuff I’ve been learning over the years. The most impactful practice, though, was that I didn’t try to not feel sad. I just let myself feel sad, and did all my affirmation; said God is good and that my life is a good life; set an intention to Love and be Loved; made a commitment to be a spiritual warrior and continue to express and reveal more and never less than my true self no matter how I felt; and for the first time since I made my categorical list of the different types of things I want to do in a day, I was able to do them all.
My list includes things like, every day, I need to do something nourishing, creative, income generating, attending to some debt, organizing/cleaning, etc. I made this list not too long ago, so that I would have a practical way of making sure I take steps every day to complete the things I need to complete and move forward. Anyway, for the first time, duh duh duh, I’ve gotten to all the categories on my list!!! The last thing I need to do (and I’ve kind of already done it today, but I want to do a bit more) is some emotional clean-up. For me, emotional clean-up means doing or saying things that will help my heart feel free. It includes writing letters or having conversations that feel like the lack thereof is blocking me from resolving a situation that hurts my heart, or forgiving someone completely and being able to get to a place where I bless them and wish them well, or saying sorry to someone who I feel I owe an apology, or just giving my heart and my emotions a bath, making things free again.
Tonight I would like to give my heart a bath. I’ve been thinking about men a lot lately and Love, and I realize it has been a long time, a very long time, since I’ve been in love with anyone who was in love with me. My last love interest was My Kind, and the good part of our relationship was over a year ago. And I don’t know too many examples in my personal life of the kind of relationship that I would like to have with a man. You forget that things are possible if you don’t see them or experience them.
So, for a moment, I would like to use my will and my True Imagination to see Love again. I would like to bathe my heart in possibility. I would like to remember what it felt like to feel safe in a man’s arms and I would like to imagine that there is a man somewhere who would be honored to make a safe place for my heart. Let us remember when we were kids and we thought love could be like the movies. Somebody wrote those movies, so somebody knew it was real. If we can think it up- we are human beings and I am not talking about pigs flying here- we can make Love real. I’m not the only idealist. There must be at least one other being on this planet who would be willing to Love boldly and be true to me and be true to himself.
So you. I am thinking of you tonight. What does it feel like to be Loved by you? What does it feel like to be held and know that your arms will be there again and again? It feels like an adventure. Like the movies. It feels like cotton candy and pillows and a wide open heart. It feels like I’m alive again. I can breathe easy now. It feels like my father’s redemption. I am a painter and you are my muse and I am your heart and you are my head and we are each other’s covering. Like the Q’uran. We are each other’s clothing, coming in from the cold. You say that I am beautiful and you see me. You see me. You don’t just see what I can do for you or who I am in relation to you or how I make you feel. You see me. Period. It is such a joy to be fed by you. It is such a joy to be loved by you. It is such a joy to wash your dirty drawers and kiss your mouth. It is such a joy to give all of me to you. It is such a joy to give to you and be received. It is such a joy to be received… I Love you so much. I Love you so much. I Love you. Thank you. Ameen.
Day 471
Like The Movies
Ok. I’ve been out of my head for a while, meaning I’ve been out in the world interacting with people and doing a bunch of work and stuff. I must say, the world is a crazy place, and starting this blog is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
If I didn’t take a moment to sit and think and point myself in a particular direction, I would get so caught up in so much. There is so much going on in the world. I don’t even know where to start. I think I was in Hawaii the last time I posted an entry. I’m in LA now. Been here almost fourteen days.
Hit the ground running. Got back on my birthday, and on my birthday, I had my first ever pitch meeting. A pitch meeting is where you meet with film or television executives and you tell them about a project you want to create. They can buy your idea, or they can ask you to join them to create your idea. So, on my birthday, some of kind of way, I managed to be in the room with four network executives and tell them about an idea I have… It didn’t stop there. The next week, I had another meeting with a Hollywood person. Then I had two writing deadlines for two projects and I completed those and submitted my projects.
My mom’s job sent her to Cali, so she’s here, as well as some other family members, including a brand new nephew that I have…
It’s the next day now. I got interrupted by a phone call by my new friend (I’ll call him Life) while I was blogging yesterday. Then I went to my spiritual center. Then I went and got some groceries. Then I talked to another friend on the phone. Then I fell asleep.
Slept longer than I usually do. I’ll be honest. I wanted to stay asleep longer because I didn’t want to face the day. Overwhelmed with the pace of life. Overwhelmed because it seems like I’m just barely holding on, trying to catch up to things. I’m doing it, but not with ease. It’s a challenge.
And I’m by myself still. I know, I have friends and family. I’m not alone in the world. But I generally get less work done when I’m around them than when I’m by myself. Sometimes they help with stuff. My sisters cleaned up my house the other day. But when they are off their jobs or have a free moment, they don’t want to work on stuff, mine or theirs. And so we end up talking for hours, or watching TV or movies, or going to find something entertaining to do, and although I miss the company of humans, I also sometimes end up feeling like, “Man. I should have stayed home. I would have gotten my printer fixed (or anything else on my seemingly endless “to-do” list) if I was by myself.”
So here we are. I was dreading facing this day because today I’m supposed to do all this stuff that I have been having resistance to doing. Like write a few letters and have a few uncomfortable conversations with people…
I messed up on one of the applications I turned in – I still qualify for the program, but I filled one section out wrong and I can’t fix it. I have to follow up on the meeting I had last week with the fancy lady. I have a meeting this weekend with more fancy women and I have to finish polishing a script before I meet with them. I have a long list of unfinished writing projects. Still need to tell my neighbor a piece of my mind about the bed he came in my apartment and took (over a year ago). Still need to do some work on a passive income endeavor I had started. Need to wash my walls and finish cleaning out my closet. Have a heart to heart with one of my friends who’s been flaking on me for years and just flaked on me this weekend. Have a convo with my writing bud, who felt bad because she didn’t meet the goals she had set for herself, so went MIA for a bit and just reached out to me. I got a traffic ticket recently (from a camera that took a pic of me turning without first stopping at a light), and I need to handle that. Need to handle a few other erroneous debts, and start researching another passive income endeavor… But before I get knee deep in any other income endeavors… Oh yeah, I need to email my writer’s group lady and update my membership and ask her some questions. What I really need is an assistant or some help. Maybe I can hire someone to help me finish with my apartment stuff, cleaning and sorting, and that will cut things in half.
I think I need to make some income next week. Haven’t really been focusing on that, but money has just been going out and not coming in, and eventually if I don’t balance that, I will find myself at a deficit.
The one thing that is not on my unfinished business list is men, and that is strange for me. Sometimes I think of My Kind and I miss him – He is caught up, like I used to be. He’s holding on to everything from his past, not healing his heart, and just dragging women into his confusion out of fear of being alone. He doesn’t even know he’s doing this, but he knows that there is a pain that won’t leave no matter who he’s with.
I am thankful for that, Allah. The pain that wouldn’t leave for so long is finally dissipating. I’m not used to walking through life without so many wounds, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to not having some man in my life making me cry, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to energy flowing through all parts of my body, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to not having someone to fight, heck, I’m not used to not wanting to fight, but I can get used to this. I can source passion in other ways… I’m not used to not knowing what will come next, not being in control of it all, but I can get used to this. This is the actual practice. This is the time to put my money where my mouth is. I said I wanted to be a self-actualized being. I said I wanted to be a center point, a place that Love and Light comes from… I said I wanted my heart to be free – completely free. I said I wanted to be free. I didn’t want to hold any more anger or resentment or darkness in me, although I recognize that the darkness is a teacher and it has its place, too… I said I wanted to do all the work I came to this Earth to do, holding nothing back, and I meant it.
I suppose I was gonna have to change and grow, and sometimes I’d be confused. I suppose it’s time to finish all this unfinished business, so I can move forward into the Light. My new friend Life told me to stop being late on things and start being early. He’s more or a mentor than a friend, but I’ll talk about him another time. I know he is from God. I know that I am really never left alone to fend for myself and figure things out on my own. You send me helpers, whether I’m aware of them or not. You send me angels in my dreams, and in real life, You provide the right situations to make my stubborn heart learn and grow. And I am thankful. I am thankful. Ameen.
Day 470
On Finishing
Sitting at the park in Hawaii. Near my sister’s place.
Went to the ocean snorkeling yesterday. Came back exhausted and disoriented. People say many things about the ocean and what it can do to sensitive folks.
I didn’t like the ocean yesterday. One minute it was clear and blue and I was underwater with schools of fish swimming by me the next, a storms was brewing and the water became dark and dangerous. We got out before anything got too serious, but not before I felt like throwing up.
When I’m off balance, writing this blog is the best thing I can do. I’m off balance, and I need to get centered because I have action to take. This week, I have the most important meeting of my creative career thus far. It is a meeting that could change the tide of everything.
But I have to be ready for it, and being ready for it means finishing up on a presentation and turning it in by end of day tomorrow. I don’t know if that is why I feel so sad and off. I don’t know if I’m picking up on my sister’s vibes or she’s picking up on mine, but we are both feeling sad and off. And that won’t do.
I wonder what life will be like when there are no more sad things to write about, when there is more than enough money for the rest of my life and for all of my family, when there is a beautiful man and a healthy relationship and some cute kids. When I’m actually thriving in my field. What will I write about then?
The last time I’ve felt peace and harmony and Love… the last time I’ve felt ease in my heart and mind has been so long ago. Maybe I am afraid. What do we do when we are afraid of the good things but the bad things will no longer do? I know, God, that you are leading me out of the darkness at last.
What will my life be like?
You have sent me so many blessings. I am surprised that I am still here, alive. I have been reckless with the gifts you’ve given me. I’m sorry. So… I think I’ve spent enough time crying. You know, it’s like I feel like I won’t fit in anymore if my life is all right, but I don’t want to fit in anymore. I don’t want to be crying every day any more. I want to be all right now.
You told me to choose something, so that is what I’m choosing now. I’m choosing. I’m choosing to be all right. I’m choosing to let my brain sort all the survivor’s guilt and confusion out. If it’s true that we can have whatever we choose, then I’m choosing to be all right. I’m choosing to know and experience the good things in life. I’m choosing to be whole at last. I’m choosing to allow for everything to work out and to have peace in my soul and heart and mind and in my relationships.
I’m choosing to have healthy relationships at last and to have resolution on everything, even people don’t want to resolve things with me. It’s time. Its time to stop cowing down and crying all the time. I am worthy of the very best in life. I am worthy of the very best in life. I am worthy of the very best in life. There is nothing to feel bad about. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
I can hear my dead friend Matsemala telling me to get up now and do God’s work. He used to tell me that all he wanted to do was God’s work. He had such an urgency. He died before he was able to do all the things he wanted to do, but I can feel him, proud of me, telling me to get up and Love somebody now. Get up and help these young women now. Get up and experience joy now and create works that set my heart on fire. Get up and Live. It’s time. It’s time to get up and live…
Ameen.
Day 469
Time To Live
Hi there. I’m posting an entry that I wrote a couple of days ago but didn’t get to post. I’m in Hawaii. I’m grateful to be alive. Write more later. Hope you are well…
This Notion of Choosing
So many things to write about.
On a flight, packed, to my favorite place on Earth.
Men on the mind, as usual, but something different this time.
Life has shifted again. Been writing love letters, hate letters, forgiveness letters, apology letters, and setting myself free.
Met a new friend. A friend. I know, right? A person like me, interested and willing to take brave action on his dreams…. My new friend brought a notion to my mind. He said that every man I’ve ever engaged with wanted to marry me, but they were afraid – they were afraid I was going to leave them, so they sabotaged the relationship or didn’t make a deep commitment. He said that it was up to me to choose a man. Don’t worry about him choosing me. He will.
The notion sounds too good to be true. In fact, I want to negate it and say, “No. I have chosen such and such and he didn’t choose me back,” but it’s not true. I never wholeheartedly chose My Kind. And even though I was totally googoo gaga about Mr. Almost Famous, I always thought he was out of my league and wouldn’t even consider the notion of choosing him – I didn’t realize you could just choose a thing before knowing if it chose you. The only person I have come close to choosing was My People. I actually believe I chose him – but not for long. For like a week. When he wasn’t sure if he wanted to choose me back, and wasn’t willing to take the time to consider the notion of being my husband right at the moment I wanted him to consider the notion of being my husband (regardless of whatever else was going on in his life, including dead daddy) I closed my heart to him in that way.
And now I am sitting on a plane going to my favorite place on Earth and thinking about this notion of choosing, particularly choosing a thing before you know if it chooses you. My new friend said, “Your wish is your command”, and it is such a bold statement. The thought of actually wholeheartedly choosing something, whether it be job or man or state or state of being, and believing you can have it, and then somehow not having what you choose is so horrifying, that I have spent a very long time just not choosing. And now you tell me that I can have anything I choose. Anything? It almost sounds like blasphemy. It almost sounds like the most unfair thing in the world. Like there is a secret group who knows this little tidbit of information, and they are living the lives of their dreams, while everyone else is suffering so much.
At my spiritual center today, the speaker said that the rest of the world, our brothers and sisters who are starving and being bombed and heartbroken, are counting on us to wake up – those of us who have the luxury to meditate and read books and eat without worrying about survival. Those of us who can sit on a plane and even contemplate this notion of choosing. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this thought – for this notion of choosing. My new friend has come with so much good news. What if I could go back, I think, and revisit any man I’ve ever known, would I choose any of them? Just as is? If I knew that they wouldn’t change not one inch of one dime for the rest of their lives, would I really say, “Yes. I want to be with you as is. Forever. I choose you to partner up and align with for the rest of my life.”
It’s a tough question to answer, because answering it causes me to have to take responsibility for much of the pain and many of the failed relationships I’ve experienced. They never had a chance and they knew it. No wonder they acted a plum fool with me. I am just beginning to understand this life thing and how to navigate it…
To Love someone doesn’t mean to choose them
And to like someone doesn’t mean to choose them
Even to be with someone doesn’t mean that deep down in the depth of your secret thoughts, in your
journal that you’ve never written, you’ve wholeheartedly chosen someone
Or some thing
Or some way
Life has a way of knowing and showing where the chasm is between what we say we want and what we have wholeheartedly chosen.
First, choose to be honest with yourself about what you choose
The rest should come easier.
I didn’t choose any of them, if I’m being honest, and I am contemplating whether I would choose any of them now. It scares me. You know what scares me most? I know it sounds crazy. But what scares me most is that I will choose something and then I will have it. I have gotten used to this bull-shitty life. For me to have any of the things I really dreamed of… do you know how miraculous it would be? Do you know how miraculous it would be for me, the ugly little sad girl from the ghetto, to be happy? Or to be wildly in love with someone who’s wildly in love with me and partnering with me in life and being good to me? Or to have passive income and never have to worry about money again? Or to be working my dream career? Do you know what my dream career is? It is so awesome compared to anything I’ve ever personally experienced. Do you know what it would be for me to have friends and community who journey with me and lift me up and let me journey with them and lift them up? And, oh, I don’t even think about it because it seems so big. Do you know what it would mean for me to be a mother – to have some little big-eyed babies? I would have so much fun with them. I would pour so much love into them…
If I’m going to contemplate this notion of choosing – I mean, I’ve been talking about it and flirting with it for some time – but if I’m going to really contemplate and experiment with this belief that you really can have anything you choose, then I guess the first thing I will think about is the men. First action – go through my heart and see if there is anyone who has passed through who I would like to choose now. And if not, un-choose all of them or (yikes) choose one wholeheartedly.
I’ll let you know how this turns out. Good night, world.
Day 468 – This Notion of Choosing
