I called off work today. My head and neck are feeling really bad.
I’m going to dress up really nice, go get a professional massage, eat something healthy for lunch, walk in the park, and then post up at a coffee shop in a clean part of town and work on my script…
Our bodies let us know when they need a tune-up. I am learning to listen.
Good day.
Day 48
Take Care of Yourself
Last night I worked on my script. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. I started writing and about an hour into it, my shoulders started tensing up. Then my head started hurting really bad. I went to look in the mirror and my eyes were bloodshot red. Finally when my stomach starting hurting, I got off the computer and went to sleep. It was a bit much…
I’m just waking up and I wish I could say I felt much better, but I don’t. Everything still hurts, and I have to go to work today. I feel a little heartbroken. I mean, no one has broken my heart recently, but my feelings have come back alive and I realize that I’m hungry for someone to Love and for someone to Love me back. I guess these are the moments folks don’t talk about. The breakdown moments that will have you stuck in time.
I have learned that it is possible to breakdown and move forward. In fact, the two seem to be correlated, like whenever you commit to making a big change, there has to be some sort of breakdown, because your old life is ending. It’s not usually pretty like the movies. Actually, it usually looks like a drug addict detoxing and going through withdrawal…
So, what to do? I’m going to work for sure and I’m going to try my best to get out of this funk and be nice to the kids at work. And finally, I’m finishing my script on time. Final answer. Finishing this script gives me a sense of purpose. Maybe that’s why it’s taking me so long to finish it. Because what will get me through the day once it’s done? What happens when you lose your sense of purpose? When your kids grow up or your significant other leaves or you have finished doing the thing that has motivated you to get off the bed for so long?
I don’t know the answer. Too many sad questions to start the day off. What I do know is that there is an answer. There is a way out of this state of mind. So, I’m going to sit down, let these thoughts go for a minute, say my prayers, and surrender to the truth that lives beyond my fear and my pain.
Have a good day.
Day 47
Surrender
One of my readers asked me to write more on “how not to cry every day” and I’d like to comment on that. I think that there are many different paths to reach an end, but there are certain methods that seem to work no matter what you are trying to accomplish in your life. I can only tell you what has been working for me: getting off the bed every day, setting clear intentions, being honest with myself, taking responsibility for my life and blaming absolutely no one (not even my parents) for the situation I am in, being consistent, and, finally, being willing to change.
There are a million plus self-help books, philosophies, people and doctrines that will tell you how to improve your life, but it has been my experience that nothing seems to work better than setting a sincere intention and then actually doing the things that you are led to do…
I saw one of my most favorite people in the world yesterday. He’s leaving town soon and I went to spend some time with him… He reminded me that I am not made of stone or ice and that “relationship” can be a good word. I had forgotten. “Relationship” is actually one of my favorite words…
We get caught up in the drama and surround ourselves with folks we don’t even like, much less Love, and then we begin to despise each other… Maybe someone wants something from us that we are not willing to give or someone doesn’t want to or isn’t able to give us what we want and instead of finding people whose desires are compatible with ours, we stick around, all the while forgetting what it feels like to be easy, to feel accepted, to be honest.
It’s so much easier just to spend time with someone who wants the same type of relationship you want and is willing and able to build that with you. It seems so simple in retrospect, but I have spent a lot of time pushing and pulling, trying to make people be a certain thing for me when they don’t want to be that way, or trying to make myself be a certain thing for someone else when I don’t really want to be that way.
Thank you, my dear friend, for reminding me. I am grateful.
Day 46
Spend Time With Someone You Like
I took some time out to sit still, meditate and pray this morning. It always helps to clear my mind. What a gift.
So then I checked my email and I had a couple invitations to some events and someone asked if it was possible that I could be lucky in addition to everything else. I guess so… I guess it’s possible if luck is possible. That’s a whole other can of worms, though, and I don’t want to open it…
Love has been on my mind lately. I read my “Calling in the One” book this morning and the chapter was “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall”. The author asserts that whatever life a person is living is reflection of their current state and their deep subconscious beliefs. Example: if you believe that all men are horrible liars, you will most likely experience relationships with men who constantly lie to you, etc.
So, per the authors suggestion, I did a mental audit to see what was going on in my brain. I found a lot of good stuff, but there was still some murky lurky dark stuff. Something in particular resonated with me.
I really want to marry a fabulous man. I mean, not someone who has the potential to be a fabulous man, someone who actually is. I must say i am proud of myself for the progress that I have made in the past month or so, and I am encouraged to realize how quickly one’s life can change, but if I was to look at myself from the outside, I would say, “Well, she has the potential to be fabulous. She’s doing good and she’s on her way, but she’s still got a little more work to do before she can get with that man.”
So, there are only three things left for me to do. They’re really simple and I’ve been putting them on the back burner for months now. Clean up, organize my schtuff, and finish writing and submitting my screenplay. It sounds simple enough, but the possibility of finishing them scares the mess out of me sometimes. If I am lucky, which I know I am, then when I finish these things, I will be permanently on the other side of happy. I will have a different kind of book to write and another kind of song to sing. But I have been sitting back and not doing these simple things. Why are we so afraid of the things that we want??? I will have an actual good man in my life and a family of my own… I will actually make a whole bunch of money doing fulfilling work… Wow. What a concept.
I’m doing it. Yep. I’m going there today. You are my witness. It’s up to me how long it takes to manifest this thing and I’d like to do it now. Yeah, now. It seems like a good time. Why not? So, off to start the day!
Today I learned that God is the Most Gracious. If this is true, and if God is for me and not against me, then I have the Most Gracious Creator of the wind on my side and I can go forth knowing that whatever challenges may come my way, I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams and I will make it joyfully to the other side. Ameen.
Day 45
Stop Procrastinating
Took a few days off. Didn’t have much to write about and had too much to write about, so I’ve been sitting still. Been really tired…
I think I’m leveling up like on the video games. My nerves are all over the place right now, but not in a bad way. I have felt this way before and it feels like growth, like I can actually feel my body and my nerves changing. I’m trying my best not to get spooked out about this…
So, I have a lot to write about, but it’s all jumbled and I don’t want to just fill the page with fluff. I’m overwhelmed with emotion. My life is changing. For real this time. It’s such a fantastically humbling and Lovely experience to be here, knowing the storms that I have come through.
The other day I was talking to a friend about luck. In some cultures, people spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to get lucky or how to make their lives or paths similar to another person’s… I have been called lucky all my life, but I don’t think I’m lucky. I think I’m stubborn, a bit on the nutty side and I believe in God. If I have ever had a lucky charm, then it is this. I know there is a power greater than any thoughts, intentions, or experiences. It has been there and sent angels to me when I couldn’t get off the bed. It has spoken to me in whispers and dreams in the silence of the night. It is always there, on the border of your present experience waiting for you to choose something higher.
I’m choosing to Level Up. Man, oh man, this is going to be grand!
Day 44
Level Up
Come in, He whispers to my spirit. Lend me you ear.
We knew this day would come. No pushing, no crying, no wondering how to make it through the day.
You have passed. Hoorah. Congratualtions… You have learned all of the lessons but one.
The last one, this one, is the greatest.
So you say you know who I AM, little one, but you are just beginning to learn.
Watch how your heart races as you think this thought… “The best is yet to come”. Take it. Swallow it. Attach it to your brain, sew it in your spirit.
This is not about you. I have work to do and you, my dear, have said yes to your calling. You, my dear, have said yes to My calling.
And, as you have have been learning in your books, I am quick to reward.
This is the last step. You must learn to say yes to the wondrous life that you are stepping into. Say yes. Yes, you. You who have cried for so long, you who have thought that you didn’t deserve anything, you who have loved and lost, you who have been in the wilderness, you shall know joy. You shall be joy. You shall bring joy. Say yes.
Look at the progress you have already made. Look at it! You have to accept the good things, not out of pride or arrogance, but out of honesty. Recognize that I am capable of all things and say Yes to it!
You have to accept that I am blessing you, and as you give me space, so shall I work in you. They will look at you funny. Yes. Some will be jealous and others will try and poke holes. You will be admired. Accept that. Accept it… Ultimately you will find that all of you, all of you want the same thing. You want to know Me. You want to know who you are. You want to love. You want to share. You want to be honest. Yes even the biggest liars want to be honest.
So you now, get to it. There is no pressure. Only that your life depends on it. Only that your blessings depend on you accepting them. Only that the lives of others depend on it. I have created you, all of you, for no small purpose. Say yes now…
Day 43
Say Yes
I had a hard time getting off the bed this morning. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to stay home and finish decorating, work on my script and talk to my mom. I wanted to go and do yoga in the park, but I had to go to a job that I really could care less about, and that gave me a bit of anxiety…
Yesterday my sis came to visit from out of town. She asked me how long I plan to stay in this city and she put some things on my mind… I hadn’t really thought about an “out” date. I mean, when I first came here, I had an out date, but then I didn’t stick to my plan and took a year off, and then I just got caught up with being caught up.
My sister’s question made me realize that I have gotten caught in a pattern, and not one that I want to be a part of: a pattern of isolation, dysfunctional relationships, financial struggles, and stagnation. This has been my life for the past two years… How did I get here and what am I doing here? This is not where I’d like to be anymore. It doesn’t really fit.
There is no progress without effort, whether that effort involves an action or whether that effort just involves making a conscious decision to be open and available to guidance and help.
I am thankful for the tools that I am discovering; that life is bigger than one’s present paradigm.
So, today didn’t start off feeling too good, but I am beyond the point where my movement is dependent on my feelings. I have learned that you can push past the feelings. You can push past the resistance, You can push past the life that you have and walk into something different. I’m in it to win it…
Day 42
Push
I’m going to my dance class today. Excited for some structured high energy movement. I haven’t been in a while…
I’m going to have a car soon and I’m so excited!!! My winning the competition yesterday is soaking in now. Ow! Wow. I’m going to have a car soon. Brand new. Fully paid for. I’ve never had a brand new car in my life.
What else is exciting? I’m not scared of my mom anymore and there is actually a place where we can connect and communicate.
This is what I thought would happen, the thing we are so afraid of. I don’t have any sad stuff to talk about anymore or complain about, so now what?
I’m looking out of my window right now and I see the bright pink flowers on the trees in my courtyard and they overshadow the drab building in the background.
Step by step. It works. Step by step we can get up, sit down, crawl, walk, run, and discover new ways of movement, just like children. Yesterday, my mom told me that she saw my real smile again, and that she hadn’t seen it in years.
I am coming back to the world now, so allow me to re-introduce myself. I am a woman of integrity. I am strong, kind, honest, loving and beautiful and I like to smile. I am interested in building, growing and sharing in various ways with the people I interact with and I’m creating a life I love to be a part of. Nice to meet you…
Day 41
Come Back To The World
I won a competition today and I got a new car, some money and a trip to an island. My mom and my brother and sister were there cheering me on, and when the make-up lady at the competition put on my make-up she said “take no prisoners”…
Later tonight I had a long conversation with my mom. I think we spoke the same language to each other for the first time in a long time.
I don’t quite know what to say.
Yesterday I had no idea how or when I was going to be able to save enough money to get a new car and today I have one. Not too long ago, I didn’t have the best relationship with my siblings and today they were holding back tears of joy when I won.
It has been a long time coming, but the air has shifted dramatically. I don’t have the answers to everything, but I know that the answers exist and that is enough for me for now.
“I asked for Strength…
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom..
And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity…
And God gave me Brain and Brain to work.
I asked for Courage….
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love…
And God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors
And G0d gave me opportunities
I received nothing I wanted
I received Everything i needed!”
-Author Unknown
It’s been a long time coming. Yes, indeed. It has been a long time.
Day 40
A Change is Gon’ Come
Dear God,
Last night I was gifted with new glasses. I haven’t had glasses in over four years even though I’m supposed to wear them. Somebody thought that it would be worth their investment to help me and that means a lot…
My mom is visiting and she is old and sweet now. Her mini me (my sis) is peaceful when she is here…
I am awake this morning. Big day tomorrow and I need to make sure I’m ready…
I am awake this morning. Thank you. I see that life and the world is bigger than my present paradigm. I see that I am surrounded by Love and blessings. I see that I, too, can be Love and I can be a blessing to others.
I am awake today, and in this moment, I see the promise of my dream life being real. With your permission, I allow myself to wake up and see. I stand in strength and power knowing that this day is filled with blessings. This day I have a choice. This day, just like any day, there is goodness in the air. Thank you.
I know it is possible.
Ameen.
Day 39
Wake Up
