Took a few days off. Didn’t have much to write about and had too much to write about, so I’ve been sitting still. Been really tired…
I think I’m leveling up like on the video games. My nerves are all over the place right now, but not in a bad way. I have felt this way before and it feels like growth, like I can actually feel my body and my nerves changing. I’m trying my best not to get spooked out about this…
So, I have a lot to write about, but it’s all jumbled and I don’t want to just fill the page with fluff. I’m overwhelmed with emotion. My life is changing. For real this time. It’s such a fantastically humbling and Lovely experience to be here, knowing the storms that I have come through.
The other day I was talking to a friend about luck. In some cultures, people spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to get lucky or how to make their lives or paths similar to another person’s… I have been called lucky all my life, but I don’t think I’m lucky. I think I’m stubborn, a bit on the nutty side and I believe in God. If I have ever had a lucky charm, then it is this. I know there is a power greater than any thoughts, intentions, or experiences. It has been there and sent angels to me when I couldn’t get off the bed. It has spoken to me in whispers and dreams in the silence of the night. It is always there, on the border of your present experience waiting for you to choose something higher.
I’m choosing to Level Up. Man, oh man, this is going to be grand!
Day 44
Level Up
Come in, He whispers to my spirit. Lend me you ear.
We knew this day would come. No pushing, no crying, no wondering how to make it through the day.
You have passed. Hoorah. Congratualtions… You have learned all of the lessons but one.
The last one, this one, is the greatest.
So you say you know who I AM, little one, but you are just beginning to learn.
Watch how your heart races as you think this thought… “The best is yet to come”. Take it. Swallow it. Attach it to your brain, sew it in your spirit.
This is not about you. I have work to do and you, my dear, have said yes to your calling. You, my dear, have said yes to My calling.
And, as you have have been learning in your books, I am quick to reward.
This is the last step. You must learn to say yes to the wondrous life that you are stepping into. Say yes. Yes, you. You who have cried for so long, you who have thought that you didn’t deserve anything, you who have loved and lost, you who have been in the wilderness, you shall know joy. You shall be joy. You shall bring joy. Say yes.
Look at the progress you have already made. Look at it! You have to accept the good things, not out of pride or arrogance, but out of honesty. Recognize that I am capable of all things and say Yes to it!
You have to accept that I am blessing you, and as you give me space, so shall I work in you. They will look at you funny. Yes. Some will be jealous and others will try and poke holes. You will be admired. Accept that. Accept it… Ultimately you will find that all of you, all of you want the same thing. You want to know Me. You want to know who you are. You want to love. You want to share. You want to be honest. Yes even the biggest liars want to be honest.
So you now, get to it. There is no pressure. Only that your life depends on it. Only that your blessings depend on you accepting them. Only that the lives of others depend on it. I have created you, all of you, for no small purpose. Say yes now…
Day 43
Say Yes
I had a hard time getting off the bed this morning. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to stay home and finish decorating, work on my script and talk to my mom. I wanted to go and do yoga in the park, but I had to go to a job that I really could care less about, and that gave me a bit of anxiety…
Yesterday my sis came to visit from out of town. She asked me how long I plan to stay in this city and she put some things on my mind… I hadn’t really thought about an “out” date. I mean, when I first came here, I had an out date, but then I didn’t stick to my plan and took a year off, and then I just got caught up with being caught up.
My sister’s question made me realize that I have gotten caught in a pattern, and not one that I want to be a part of: a pattern of isolation, dysfunctional relationships, financial struggles, and stagnation. This has been my life for the past two years… How did I get here and what am I doing here? This is not where I’d like to be anymore. It doesn’t really fit.
There is no progress without effort, whether that effort involves an action or whether that effort just involves making a conscious decision to be open and available to guidance and help.
I am thankful for the tools that I am discovering; that life is bigger than one’s present paradigm.
So, today didn’t start off feeling too good, but I am beyond the point where my movement is dependent on my feelings. I have learned that you can push past the feelings. You can push past the resistance, You can push past the life that you have and walk into something different. I’m in it to win it…
Day 42
Push
I’m going to my dance class today. Excited for some structured high energy movement. I haven’t been in a while…
I’m going to have a car soon and I’m so excited!!! My winning the competition yesterday is soaking in now. Ow! Wow. I’m going to have a car soon. Brand new. Fully paid for. I’ve never had a brand new car in my life.
What else is exciting? I’m not scared of my mom anymore and there is actually a place where we can connect and communicate.
This is what I thought would happen, the thing we are so afraid of. I don’t have any sad stuff to talk about anymore or complain about, so now what?
I’m looking out of my window right now and I see the bright pink flowers on the trees in my courtyard and they overshadow the drab building in the background.
Step by step. It works. Step by step we can get up, sit down, crawl, walk, run, and discover new ways of movement, just like children. Yesterday, my mom told me that she saw my real smile again, and that she hadn’t seen it in years.
I am coming back to the world now, so allow me to re-introduce myself. I am a woman of integrity. I am strong, kind, honest, loving and beautiful and I like to smile. I am interested in building, growing and sharing in various ways with the people I interact with and I’m creating a life I love to be a part of. Nice to meet you…
Day 41
Come Back To The World
I won a competition today and I got a new car, some money and a trip to an island. My mom and my brother and sister were there cheering me on, and when the make-up lady at the competition put on my make-up she said “take no prisoners”…
Later tonight I had a long conversation with my mom. I think we spoke the same language to each other for the first time in a long time.
I don’t quite know what to say.
Yesterday I had no idea how or when I was going to be able to save enough money to get a new car and today I have one. Not too long ago, I didn’t have the best relationship with my siblings and today they were holding back tears of joy when I won.
It has been a long time coming, but the air has shifted dramatically. I don’t have the answers to everything, but I know that the answers exist and that is enough for me for now.
“I asked for Strength…
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom..
And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity…
And God gave me Brain and Brain to work.
I asked for Courage….
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love…
And God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors
And G0d gave me opportunities
I received nothing I wanted
I received Everything i needed!”
-Author Unknown
It’s been a long time coming. Yes, indeed. It has been a long time.
Day 40
A Change is Gon’ Come
Dear God,
Last night I was gifted with new glasses. I haven’t had glasses in over four years even though I’m supposed to wear them. Somebody thought that it would be worth their investment to help me and that means a lot…
My mom is visiting and she is old and sweet now. Her mini me (my sis) is peaceful when she is here…
I am awake this morning. Big day tomorrow and I need to make sure I’m ready…
I am awake this morning. Thank you. I see that life and the world is bigger than my present paradigm. I see that I am surrounded by Love and blessings. I see that I, too, can be Love and I can be a blessing to others.
I am awake today, and in this moment, I see the promise of my dream life being real. With your permission, I allow myself to wake up and see. I stand in strength and power knowing that this day is filled with blessings. This day I have a choice. This day, just like any day, there is goodness in the air. Thank you.
I know it is possible.
Ameen.
Day 39
Wake Up
The length of time of my low moments has reduced drastically from years to months to days and now they don’t even last a full day. I am thankful.
I’m up with the sun this morning and I don’t have to go to work. My objective today is to transform my apartment into a comfy home before my mom shows up later this evening. It breaks her heart if she thinks her kids aren’t happy.
I’d like to share something with you. The sweetest thing happened last night. A friend of mine sent me this text:
“Dream lofty dreams, and as u dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be: your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil”.
I don’t know where he got it from or if he made it up, but I’m going to write that on my wall.
Another friend once told me that we think our dreams are only for us, but we don’t know what God’s plans are and how He is trying to do other things through us…
I think this happy thing, this integrity thing, can be treated like anything else a person wants to accomplish. It is a practice. You have to set an intention, just as if you were trying to learn a new skill or go to school or lose weight. You have to decide that you are going to do something and then you have to develop practices that reinforce your decision.
Today I am going to do at least one thing that reinforces my decision to live the life of my dreams. I guess I’ve never told you what the life of my dreams is. It’s a big lofty one, and I don’t share it with many people because I think they will laugh at me and say that I’m asking for too much. It is the dream that has been in me since I was a kid, though, and I haven’t been able to let it go. So here it is:
Firstly and foremost, I would like to live a life of integrity with a clear conscience. Before I leave this Earth, I would like to serve the purpose that I was put here to serve. This part gets murky, but I know that I have a talent and ability to help people with my words and with my hands, and I know that I am a natural leader. I envision my life as me being ridiculously wealthy. Money is never a thought in my mind because I have on overflow of it. I envision a wonderful husband who I am passionate about, compatible with, and deeply in Love with, and the feeling is mutual. I envision a relationship based on a foundation of truth, kindness, compassion, respect and real Love. Maybe I have a few children. Yeah, there are some kids in this dream and they are cute kids. My life work involves writing, teaching and helping to build up communities and individuals and I travel around the world doing this. I have a network of true friends and family where our relationships are mutually satisfactory, comforting and inspirational…. I am insanely happy and in tune with my spirit and life is a grand adventure.
This is my lofty dream. I don’t know who teaches us at some point that our dreams can’t come true. Why not? If I honestly think about it, I have spent a lot of time in my life doing many different things, working some random job, being involved in relationships that aren’t working, laying around on the bed, starting projects I don’t finish, etc…
In 25+ years I have not even dedicated more than five months at a time to trying to create the life of my dreams. Heck, I have even been afraid of saying my dream out loud until recently. But no more. I’m putting in the time and the work. They say that God’s will for us is joy, not sorrow, and so I say, Let His Will Be Done.
Ameen.
Day 38
Let His Will Be Done
Hi journal/blog/world,
I just woke up from a long siesta. I got off work early today, and I was a bit exhausted from being on “go” 17 hours at a time these past few days, so i went to sleep.
My mom’s coming to visit tomorrow. I need to go grocery shopping and finish cleaning up and unpacking… I’m feeling a little low right now. Kind of bored and borderline anxious…
Things have changed dramatically since i started this blog, but old demons are starting to creep up in my mind. I feel like I need to call a sponsor. Are the happy people happy all the time or do they have moments like this?
I’m not going to lie, some times I feed into the old fairytale of the knight in shining armor coming to save me and change my life forever. I see these well-groomed women on the rich parts of town sometimes. They are about my age, give or take a few years, and they usually have a little baby or two and a dog and a nice car. Their feet don’t have any dirt on them, even though they play barefooted in the parks with their kids…
Today my brother and I were riding together and we were looking at people on the streets and wondering what kind of lives they live and asking ourselves if we would want to live their lives. He’s getting nicer, my brother. It was almost like old times hanging with him today… Anyway, I don’t live on the rich side of town, so we saw poor people everywhere. Ladies younger than me getting off the bus with two or three kids and walking on the dirty streets in the hot sun, old people bent over trying to get some shade, and blue-collar workers everywhere.
So what am I trying to say today? Nothing. I got nothing, God, and this bed is looking good again. The thrill is gone. What do I do? I am sitting on my bed as I write this, thinking of all of the posts I’ve written, trying to let it go and take my own advice and work through it. I’m thinking of all the religious books I’ve read and trying to find a place where they tell you what to do in these times. I’m thinking of my sweet Godson who is excited about learning again and so wise. I’m thinking about my mom and how she smiles from deep deep in her eyes.
I’m thinking about my heart and the only thing that is coming to me is, “Be Still”. “But how am I supposed to be still and work through it?”, I ask myself in a schizophrenic type of way. “You’ll figure it out.”
OK. Okay…
Day 37
Be Still
Elizabeth Gilbert said it in her book “Eat, Pray Love”. “Tell the truth, tell the truth tell the truth”.
I talked to my mom yesterday.
I Love my mom. She and I have had a very volatile relationship throughout my life for various reasons, but last night she spoke some wisdom to me, and I remembered the things that are so fabulous about her.
She is a different kind of bird and as long as I have known her, she has taught us to be honest. I am thankful for having come from such a woman of integrity and I am thankful for the way she has taught us to Love and forgive and be strong and tell the truth. I hope to be a good mommy one day and I hope my kids will be able to say I taught them something good.
Anyway, I was telling my mom about an issue that I had with one of my siblings and she reminded me of a time when I had displayed the same behavior I was complaining about. She told me that if i have grown, I shouldn’t look down on my sibling now and I should remember how I felt when I was behaving like him and try to understand him. Then she said that if I really want to talk to him, I should just sit down with him, don’t be afraid, and tell him the truth.
I’ve heard this before, but I heard it in my heart yesterday and it seemed profound. You should tell the truth even when the person you are talking to might not want to hear it or they might reject you or it might change a relationship that is already fragile? ” Yeah”, I thought to myself. Why not?
So many things have happened these past two days… I Love tutoring my Godson. He is so honest and genuine and he’s smart. I knew he was smart and I’m glad that his life is going to be good… I have an opportunity to make a lot of money very soon. I made a deal with a writer friend of mine for both of us to finish our major writing projects within the next few weeks, I’ve cleared up all the haze around my relationships with the males in my life and I started back exercising regularly.
I feel good this morning, alive and awake and strong. I am choosing to live with integrity…
Ameen.
Day 35
Tell The Truth
hownottocryeveryday 