Last night. Great night. Talked to mom. Love mom. Exceptionally genuine, kind and giving woman. Sure she has her own issues, but at the root of it all, she’s pretty amazing. Glad and proud to call her my momma.
Emotional. Fighting sister. No big deal. Over it. Sigh… Got to talk to her. Hard to do. Do it anyway. We love each other. Fighting over nothing is dumb. Need peace in house now. Get over it… It’s OK to be loving with the people you Love.
Men. Loved. Them. All. Cool to see the different directions that we have all grown towards. We are all still growing. No need to hold on anymore. No need to try and build-a-man either. They can be exactly as they want to be. They can be exactly who they want to be. Trying to change people is exhausting…
This time has passed. Sad time is gone. Going through a bit of withdrawal, I know, but the attachment to sadness is gone. I’m not depressed anymore. I would rather fold my clothes than lay on the bed. I would rather make peace with my sister than try and teach her lessons. I would rather be single than be in relationships that I’m not 100% sure about. I’d rather be happy now. It smells better.
So change is a process. It starts with a thought and then a commitment (whoo, scary word), and then an action that is in alignment with your commitment and then continuous actions that are in alignment with the decision you’ve made. It’s funny because when you are going through changes, you can change yourself, but you can’t make the people around you decide that they want to change, too. They may like where they are, or they may just not be ready to make moves and I am learning to let people be who they are.
I used to tell my students, “worry about yourself and you’ll be just fine”. It’s true. Just do what’s good for you. Not in a selfish way, although the concept seems selfish. Being good to other folks is also good for you.
Today is a good day. The best day I’ve had in a long time, and it hasn’t even started. I know that everything is going to be all right. I mean, I don’t think it, I don’t feel it, I know it. I allow myself to have this peace. I allow myself to have this Grace. It doesn’t even matter to me, whether I think I am deserving or blah blah blah. The mind is a jokester and I don’t take him seriously. He’s got all kinds of tricks to keep your attention here and there. There is a power higher than the mind, higher than the emotions, and if you can reach that power, the rest is a piece of cake.
I am getting in touch with that power today, call it what you will. It is there whether or not you think you can. It is there whether or not you are feeling good or bad. It is there if you stay on the bed or if you clean out your closet. It is there even if you don’t think you are good enough to have it. It is called Grace, Mannan. It is an attribute of the Divine and it is ours for the having…
Day 58
Accept Grace
So, I wrote a very long blog this weekend. I just looked at my page and see that it wasn’t published. I don’t know what happened to it, but I guess it just didn’t make it. Oh well..
Can I talk to you for minute? I am having a moment. I’ve been talking to a lot of people who are having a lot of negative relationship issues, and that, along with my own stuff, has got me feeling a little down.
I got dumped the other day, and this is new for me. I never get dumped. Well, technically I didn’t get dumped because I wasn’t in a relationship, but this guy I was hanging out with gave me an ultimatum: either I take our relationship to the next level or keep it stepping. I was like, what? I don’t understand. When we initially met, he didn’t want anything. Just wanted to “go with the flow”, “see what happens”, etc. Now all of a sudden he wants me to cook for him and only him and call him special. Sigh… I wasn’t feeling like cooking for him or putting him in that special boyfriend space, but I liked spending time with him. He wasn’t feeling the friendship thing, so I’m keeping it stepping, but wow. It kind of hurts. At least I know that my heart still works…
Another one of my friends dumped me the other day, too, for similar reasons… It’s ok, I guess. Sigh…
So tonight I’m sitting up and I’m writing because something hurts. I mean, I said I wanted a man and I didn’t want to be hanging around with a bunch of guys that liked me if I didn’t like them like that, but it’s easier said than done, because I don’t have a man right now, and I’d like to share love with someone…
So what to do? I could continue to meet new guys that I know it won’t go anywhere with, hang out until they pressure me for a commitment and then dump me when I won’t make one, and then do it all over again with another guy, or I can do something different… But what?
I just took a moment to sit still. It helps. I see that it is good that my friends dumped me. They are helping me to be in alignment with what I said I was going to do: only date folks that I think I can mate… It’s easier to do in theory. At times I become afraid. Afraid that I’m going to be this wildly successful woman with no man and no children. Afraid that maybe something is wrong with me. Afraid that I am engaging in wishful thinking and I should do like most people and pick someone that I can get along with. Forget about the magic.
The problem with forgetting about the magic is that when you forget about the magic, you forget about the magic. I have tried to pretend that there is nothing magical about life for a long time and at times I have forgotten, but my heart just won’t let me, so call me weird, call me different, strange, unique, crazy, whatever. I have to be who I am.
So I’m going to sit this one out. I mean, I’m going to stop trying to talk myself out of what I am experiencing. It hurts. To want a thing and not have it at the time that you want it. It’s scary. To know that you may never have what you seek. It’s downright paralyzing. To think that you may refuse men who you don’t feel “connected” to, do all the praying in the world, lose or gain weight, clean up your house, finish your projects, keep an open space, and still not end up in a satisfying relationship.
But what other options do I have? Continue doing what I’ve been doing? It’s not working… So, I know what I’m going to do now. I’m going to deal with it. I’m going to sit with the pain of not having the life of my dreams right now. I’m going to face my fear dead in it’s big, empty eye. Maybe I will never have what I seek. I am going to do everything that I never did because I thought it might not amount to anything: I’m not going to hang out with folks I don’t feel connected to. I’m going to pray, stay in shape, clean my house, finish my projects and keep an open space in my heart. Why not? I’ve never done it before, you see. I’ve talked about it. I’ve read about it. But I’ve never been about it.
Sh*t is scary sometimes. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes you don’t know how it will all end up, and if you make a major change in your life, there might be some chaos in the meantime. You might find yourself alone for a while. Deal with it. Just deal with it
This I know to be true. Anything is possible. God is for me and not against me. I am stronger than I think I am. Help is everywhere and I am Loving and Lovable. Knowing this, I can handle the rest.
Day 57
Deal With It.
I have a lot on my mind today, so not quite sure if I want to write about my personal life or other things.
Changes are taking place. Decisions to be made. I finished my script. I have to decide if I’m going to go out of the country in the near future and make some quick plans if I am (or even if I’m not). I’m going on a date with a new guy today, the first new guy I’ve been out with in six months. My ex who I dreamed of actually contacted me shortly after I had that dream of him. I hadn’t heard from him in years but he emailed me and let me know that he is shacking with his baby mamma, they have a new child together, and he wants me to get back with him so he can live again… That doesn’t even sound right as I’m writing it.
When I was younger, my brother used to tell me that if I wanted to find a good man, I had to stop hanging with all my guy friends. I actually understand that today. The truth is, I had to stop hanging with all my guy friends who were trying to be more than friends. There’s too much mixing going on and you just end up mixed up.
I can’t imagine trying to get with a guy so that I can save him from the unhappy relationship he is in and maybe win him over from another woman who probably smells like him because they have been so intimately involved. Why would I do that? Why would anyone do that? I’m a little embarrassed to say that I have done similar things before. Why?…
Our mothers tried, but they could not teach us a thing that they didn’t know: how to pick good men and sustain healthy relationships. They taught us to be strong women. They told us all of the evil tricks men play in the hopes that they could protect us from getting hurt. But we never learned how to pick out the good ones and decide what types of relationships we are trying to create. We never learned how to trust our bodies and honor our instincts. We never learned to take time to know what makes us live. We had never really seen healthy relationships, so we thought there was no such thing as a good thing. Well, we didn’t think it, but we felt it.
Now here I am trying to relearn everything. In my silence and in my non-relating to men, I have become comfortable with the feeling of a clear conscience. I know what it feels like to feel good now, and so it is easy for me to recognize when I am not feeling that way. It is easy for me to tell if a man has my best interest at heart and I am learning, oh my God, to be patient and only to engage in relationships that are mutually beneficial or at least not detrimental. As a friend of mine stated, “if you can’t lift another person up, don’t let them bring you down.”
We never learned to ask the simple question, “is this good for me?”. Well, we asked it. We knew certain things weren’t good for us, but we didn’t think we could do any better, and so we told our inner voices to shut up, and we did what was bad for us. We kept telling our inner voice to shut up so that we could “get by” in the world and one day it actually did.
But your inner voice never stays quiet. So now, my ex is contacting me because his heart itches and it wants to love. I am glad he is coming back alive. But now I have to ask that simple question that I have come to love, the question that changes your life when you ask it and act on the answer. Is this good for me?
Have a beautiful day.
Day 56
Do What’s Good For You
I’m up before the sun again. This time of day is so invigorating and peaceful.
I was going to go to my spiritual center today, but I think instead I will make my actions a demonstration of the things I learn there today. I didn’t finish that last 14 pages yet. In my zeal and zest yesterday, I stayed up for a whopping 40 hours straight cleaning, cooking, etc. and then I crashed and spent most of the day sleeping. So I am well rested now and I know it will be done.
This is going to be good, this experiment with life. I woke up today with a lovely text from my mom. I haven’t told her about any of these blogs yet. I was scared. She might not approve of me exposing myself to the world. She might get sad if she knew all of the internal things I had been through. She might ask me why I would do such a thing… She’s going on a major spiritual pilgrimage at the end of this month, though, so I will tell her right before she leaves… lol.
I was talking to my sis about my past last night, and I went online and found a pic of the woman that the first man I ever loved cheated on me with. She’s still pretty. My first love was much older than me and she was much older than him. I was eighteen when I met him and he always used to compare me to her and tell me how I wasn’t mature and I wasn’t “a woman”. He also used to tell me how much he didn’t love her… Right now I am the age that she was when they had their affair. I wonder if she saw my pic and thought I was young and pretty. I wonder if she found someone that would Love her for real. I wonder if he ever stopped cheating and got it together… I remember being 22 and thinking “why me?” Why did I have to love him? I cried and cried and went through all the motions the people do, but then I got over him. And life went on.
Ahh, so I do have something for today. Life goes on. He has grey hairs now. She has a beautiful son from him. I am a writer in California and one day I will marry a man who Loves me for real and won’t cheat on me. A man who doesn’t think I’m too immature or too old and a man who can appreciate a good thing when he has it. For a while, I thought that I would end up being an old maid, but that’s not my lot. God is a good God and I have too much love to give.
I’d like to share a story with you this morning. I didn’t write it, but I like it.
“A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It apeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterffly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest off its life crawling around with a swollen body and shrieled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as stong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
I asked for Strength… And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom.. And God gae me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity…And God gave me Brain and Brain to work
I asked for Courage….And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love…And God gave me troubled people to help.
I ased for Favors… And G0d gave me opportunities
I received nothing I wanted
I received Everything I needed!”
-Author unknown
May God bless you with unspeakable joy, not only in the world to come, but in this world also.
Life goes on. Let it.
Day 55
Life Goes On
It’s super early morning, but I’ve been up all night. I am so excited. Fourteen pages left to write in my 99 page script!
It’s flowing well. It’s the most challenging thing I’ve done in a while, but it feels so good to do it!
I’m at my former college in a study room and I’m about to go home… So the day is over/beginning.
What do I have to offer to this new day? Soon these writings will be over and I will move on to other things. My friend was right. I will not remember how I used to feel when I used to cry every day. But I will remember that it was me in that little lonely apartment. I will remember that I was lonely before and lost. I will taste the vague echo of desperation and I will know how to recognize hope and appreciate compassion because of it.
That was me who couldn’t even find the strength to write a single page. That was me who had almost given up. That was me who died…
I am sure that I am a completely different person today than I was just three months ago. Is this what resurrection is about?That woman, the other lady who was constantly heartbroken, the one who was disempowered and afraid, that person who didn’t believe that she was worth anything, who didn’t believe that she could offer anything to the world, she died. She died at such a deep level.
The saying goes, “everybody wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die”. It’s inevitable. The old must be released to make room for the new. The thing I have learned about fear is that it’s OK to be afraid. We try to pretend that we are not scared, and that doesn’t help. The secret is to keep walking in the direction that you know is right even though you are afraid and soon your fear is transformed into faith when you realize that you are on the other side.
So death sounds scary, in any form. The thought of losing a thing you have become used to is never comfortable, but I am embracing death now. She is the sister of Life, the balance that makes the world go round…
And so who is this new woman who stands in the place of the shadows of who I was? I call her Open. Or maybe Hopeful. Powerful. Brave. Worthy of the Very Best in Life. Accepting of God’s Blessings. I name her Useful and I baptize her with the gift of connection to her fellow human beings. I allow her to give and receive Love again. I allow her to express ALL of her gifts and talents in this lifetime. I allow her to be happy. I allow her to have a sound body and mind. I allow her to know Truth and Grace and I claim that She will create only good in her life and in the lives of others from this day forward. She is amazing. She is Generous and Giving. Her heart is as Big as the Ocean and she doesn’t hold back and all that she gives is constantly returned to her. I name myself in this way from this day forward.
Life after death after life after death… Ameen.
Day 54
Die
I’m writing from home today.
It’s easier for me to focus when I’m sitting in a room with no distractions than when I’m at meet and greet central.
I met a few people yesterday, though. I’m also almost finished with my script. I’m excited. Different kinds of people are coming into my life. Honest people. Alive people. People who have taken some time out to work on themselves. People who are kind even though they don’t have to be.
I’ve known and met some of these kinds of folks before but this time I am different. I am able to see and appreciate the goodness in others and I am not afraid for others to see the goodness in me.
I had a dream of my ex. It was a closure dream. I know I’m weird, but I’ve had this kind of thing before. It’s happened to me twice in my life. Some estranged ex that I was, of course, thinking about marrying at one point shows up in my dream. In the dream, we are everything wonderful that we never were in real life. It seems real, though, and I usually wake up with a feeling of peace and relief. The other two times I have had this dream, shortly afterwards I would run into the estranged ex in the most random of places (I kid you not), and we would be able to put real closure on our past. It would be nice if it happens that way again, and I can part from this past relationship with mutual goodwill between us… If it doesn’t happen that way, I’m still good.
So, I was thinking about this whole dream life/dream love thing. You have to get ready. You can not have a dirty house and expect a clean man to want to come and be in it. You can’t have your schedule so busy that you don’t even have time to sleep and expect to be able to build a relationship with someone when you don’t even have time for them. You can’t be spiritually in tune unless you take the time out to tune up and no matter how many connections you make in whatever career you choose, if you can’t put your money where your mouth is when it’s time to produce, then your connections are going in vain until you are ready to use them.
I see that what has been written is true. The mist clears. It’s so simple and profound. The mist clears if you open the window. Love is born if you build a nest for it. Life changes if you plan for it. Get ready.
Day 53
Get Ready
Not much today. Went to work and there was a problem with the site we were at today, so they told us to go home, so I went to breakfast with coworkers. It was cool. I like them and the food was delicious!
On another note, in the past week or so, I have been contacted by several very religious guys who are interested in courting me. That is, after they convert me to their particular religion(s). I don’t get it, but it may be that the waters are opening back up again and men are recognizing that I’m available. Hmm… interesting. I wonder what’s going to happen today.
I am discreetly sitting in a coffee shop at a hot spot in town (my sister’s idea) and enjoying watching the many people pass by. I don’t know if I’m just alive today and noticing people or what, but there are so many handsome men around! Smiling and stuff… Hehehe. Makes my day!
Yesterday I completed a major phase of project “comfy home” and also moved forward on my script, and I’m glad to be moving in this direction. It’s like a momentum builds up when you walk in the direction of your dreams, and it builds quick.
So today I’m happy. Wow. I’m happy today! I’m going to capitalize on this energy and this free day and make a lot of progress on my script today. So sorry. Nothing big or grand. No advice. I guess sometimes the way to live with integrity is simply to live.
Have a good day.
Day 52
Live
Up with the sun. I’m usually up before the sun, but often rushing to work.
It’s nice to have this reflective time before the day gets started.
I don’t want to talk about my personal life today.
So this morning I’d like to check out from the recordings that are usually playing in my head and go a little deeper to see what is on the outskirts and insides of my usual thoughts…
Dear God, they have said many things about you. Some have said you don’t exist. Others have said to fear You, Love you, do as You have said in this book or the other. They say you are a part of us and speak to us in every and many ways. You have Created us to Serve you, Worship you, Be Happy, experience everything, do nothing at all, give Glory to you. They say life has nothing to do with you and there is no purpose except for that which we give it. Some say you have an arch enemy who is determined to keep us away from You. Others say the enemy is only our own thoughts.
So you see, God, they are saying many things about you, about Life. They have said other things in the past. As you know, God, I have considered many of the different things they have said about You, and tried some on for size. I have asked you Who you are many times. Maybe I have been asking the wrong question or reading the wrong book. My friend said I have been praying in the wrong language. My sibling said that I should ask “What” and not “Who”… Everybody has an answer, but few seem to walk around with clear eyes and integrity. Few seem to be able to live the lives that they dream…
This morning I am back at the same question: Who Are You? or What Are You? I am tired of listening to what they say. They are more concerned about being right and holding on to their identities and egos than finding out the truth. Look at my heart please. Read my mind. You know where I am coming from.
Systematic programming doesn’t satisfy me. I have tried, but my mind runs too wild. Even the thought of alcohol and drugs leave a bad taste in my mouth already and there is only so much TV i can watch before i get bored, so you see there is no escape for me, no numbing out. Sex? Well, I’m scared of diseases and not particularly interested in random babies, so can’t even go there to get away from thinking…
I have almost died before, been alone, broke, lost, hungry. I have been betrayed by people I love and disliked by people who’s opinions I value. And I have felt life tingling in my hands, had money and faithful lovers and been admired by the same folks who didn’t like me. I have seen a lot of different places and I am not afraid of what might come next. I realize that no matter what happens, I’m either going to live or die.
You have given me that. You have helped me to realize that there is always the choice to live or die. You have shown me that no condition is permanent. You have also shown me that life is bigger than my present perception. I know that You exist. So, this morning, I would like to ask you to show your face, please. Who are you?
A voice whispers in the back of my mind, “you have still not done as I instructed”. OK. You are right. I’m getting to it. I will ask You again when I am done.
Day 51
Who Is God
Good morning world!
I just realized that this is my 50th post, which means I embarked on this journey almost two months ago.
It’s time for a progress report: I guess I’ll start with the thing that led me here first: relationships.
Family – A. My relationships with my family are A – OK and I have finally learned to appreciate my little sister’s presence with me. I am learning a lot with her here and even enjoying her from time to time.
Friends/Romantic – B minus. Much improvement from the “F” that I had when I started this journey. I have finally stopped leading on all of my “almost boyfriends” and consequently my conscience is much clearer. I also stopped hanging out and talking to my “hater” female friends. I’ve opened up to people at work and found out that I work with a bunch of cool creative types like me and I am starting to actually build friendships with grown-up women who are not miserable and bitter! The other day one of my co-workers (also a writer) told me to call her! This is a big deal for me because I haven’t had female friendships with a foundation of mutual good will in a long time…
And romantic? I’m expecting a few of my long-distance exes to show up any time soon. They have been contacting me via the information superhighway and normally they like to do things big, so I wouldn’t be surprised if one or all of them called me any day and told me they were in town. I am faithful enough to release them completely and give us all real closure now, and I am also finally ready to make a real commitment to and be nice to someone, so I’m expecting to be in a committed romantic relationship some time very soon. In the meantime, I’m practicing being nice, encouraging, sweet, giving and loyal towards men. I am learning to speak their language and stop being mean to them, and the response I’m getting is amazing… I feel really good about this aspect of my life.
Spiritual/Religious – A Plus – My understanding of spiritual principles is constantly growing and I am now implementing them in my life.
Work/Financial – C Minus – I’m still ridiculously underemployed, but I am able to eat as I please, keep a roof over my head and get where I need to go. This aspect needs the most improvement, and I think my financial success is going to come as I do the work I am called to do. Some people’s lives are just like that. I now have enough confidence to believe that I actually can be a writer (among other things) and I am finishing projects that have been sitting on the shelf for years! Next week’s agenda: I am going to get an industry professional (and a few others) to read and critique my two scripts and then I am going to start shopping them around!!!
So, my overall average is a straight “B”. I can live with that for now. I am in a state of excited anticipation and I am able to get off the bed every day and get things done. I am also excited about learning how to communicate with the world outside of my head and develop healthy relationships with people. I am getting used to being mentally and emotionally stable and it is becoming easier for me to make decisions that are good for me.
As to add, I’m noticing how we get used to things in life, whether bad or good. We get used to being sad or lonely or rich or poor. We get used to drama and we get used to not expecting much from life or expecting that life should be grand. If your life is not going the way that you would like it to go, then maybe it’s time to take inventory and see what you have gotten used to. Yes, it is your fault, not theirs. You chose to be in a certain relationship, and not go after your dreams or not even take the time to figure out what they are. You chose to develop a habit that you knew wasn’t good for you. You chose to lie to yourself and others. You chose to settle for less than you knew you could be because you were scared, because you didn’t believe that you could have good things. It’s OK. But own up to it.
Now your unfulfilled life has become a habit. You have gotten used to being unfulfilled, so much so that you think “Hungry Man” tastes like real steak. It’s your fault. Own up to it. You did it. Now forgive yourself, make a change, and move on…
Day 50
Take Inventory
My mom called me earlier and read me a story I had written when I was ten years old. I didn’t even realize I had written it until she read the last line, and it was so good! I started crying… LOL. So?
Why do people act like crying is such a big deal? They’re just tears!
I’m still alive and the neck pain/headache didn’t kill me. My neck still hurts and my head hurts when I move it too much, but at least I’m functional.
Right now, I’m sitting in an empty classroom at the school I graduated from and I am working on my script. It’s cold in here and I’m tired and hungry and I don’t know how to transition into the next act of my story, so I’m procrastinating and considering not meeting my completion deadline, which is in exactly 28 hours…
There is enough time to finish this, but that would mean I won’t sleep that much this evening, I can’t call anyone just to shoot the breeze, and no daydreaming for me tonight. Also no web-surfing, internet games, talking to my sister or any other social interaction.
This has been the hardest thing for me to do, but I’m about to do it. How, Lord? How do I get over whatever is blocking me from finishing this seemingly simple assignment?…
Just got kicked out of my classroom and now I’m in the library. I don’t know how they did it, the Trumans and Santiago’s, the Harriet Tubmans and the single momma’s, the people who do a thing that seems hard, the people who follow a dream against all odds. I know I’ve been one of them before, but I don’t remember how I did it. I guess things just never seemed hard before.
OK. So, now. This I have decided to do. Cryng is over. We are at the flying part now. I have decided to fly now. Today God, I learned that you are the giver of Life. I know from my past that you are able to make the things that seem impossible possible. I know that you have put it in me to write, and so I am going to lay down the worries. I know that you have given me, us, this gift, called will, and that when our will is in alignment with your design for us, then there is no limit to your aide. So dear God, tonight I solicit your aide. I choose to finish this project. I choose to step into my life and my own shoes. I choose now today and forever more to live my purpose here on Earth.
I choose it, and I allow it to be easy. I allow it be easy. I allow it to be easy. I allow it to be easy. I allow the words to flow. I allow myself to be well. God I allow myself to be strong and happy. Smart and kind. Successful and Loving. Powerful and humble. Creative and grounded in the truth. Tonight, God, with your permission, I choose to step into the life that you have destined for me, and I release everything, everything, old mental patterns, beliefs, people, thoughts and actions that are not in alignment with what I am creating. I release all of it. All of it. All of it. And I accept all of it.
This is the truth of my life. Ameen.
Day 49
Just Do It
