It’s super early morning, but I’ve been up all night. I am so excited. Fourteen pages left to write in my 99 page script!
It’s flowing well. It’s the most challenging thing I’ve done in a while, but it feels so good to do it!
I’m at my former college in a study room and I’m about to go home… So the day is over/beginning.
What do I have to offer to this new day? Soon these writings will be over and I will move on to other things. My friend was right. I will not remember how I used to feel when I used to cry every day. But I will remember that it was me in that little lonely apartment. I will remember that I was lonely before and lost. I will taste the vague echo of desperation and I will know how to recognize hope and appreciate compassion because of it.
That was me who couldn’t even find the strength to write a single page. That was me who had almost given up. That was me who died…
I am sure that I am a completely different person today than I was just three months ago. Is this what resurrection is about?That woman, the other lady who was constantly heartbroken, the one who was disempowered and afraid, that person who didn’t believe that she was worth anything, who didn’t believe that she could offer anything to the world, she died. She died at such a deep level.
The saying goes, “everybody wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die”. It’s inevitable. The old must be released to make room for the new. The thing I have learned about fear is that it’s OK to be afraid. We try to pretend that we are not scared, and that doesn’t help. The secret is to keep walking in the direction that you know is right even though you are afraid and soon your fear is transformed into faith when you realize that you are on the other side.
So death sounds scary, in any form. The thought of losing a thing you have become used to is never comfortable, but I am embracing death now. She is the sister of Life, the balance that makes the world go round…
And so who is this new woman who stands in the place of the shadows of who I was? I call her Open. Or maybe Hopeful. Powerful. Brave. Worthy of the Very Best in Life. Accepting of God’s Blessings. I name her Useful and I baptize her with the gift of connection to her fellow human beings. I allow her to give and receive Love again. I allow her to express ALL of her gifts and talents in this lifetime. I allow her to be happy. I allow her to have a sound body and mind. I allow her to know Truth and Grace and I claim that She will create only good in her life and in the lives of others from this day forward. She is amazing. She is Generous and Giving. Her heart is as Big as the Ocean and she doesn’t hold back and all that she gives is constantly returned to her. I name myself in this way from this day forward.
Life after death after life after death… Ameen.
Day 54
Die
I’m writing from home today.
It’s easier for me to focus when I’m sitting in a room with no distractions than when I’m at meet and greet central.
I met a few people yesterday, though. I’m also almost finished with my script. I’m excited. Different kinds of people are coming into my life. Honest people. Alive people. People who have taken some time out to work on themselves. People who are kind even though they don’t have to be.
I’ve known and met some of these kinds of folks before but this time I am different. I am able to see and appreciate the goodness in others and I am not afraid for others to see the goodness in me.
I had a dream of my ex. It was a closure dream. I know I’m weird, but I’ve had this kind of thing before. It’s happened to me twice in my life. Some estranged ex that I was, of course, thinking about marrying at one point shows up in my dream. In the dream, we are everything wonderful that we never were in real life. It seems real, though, and I usually wake up with a feeling of peace and relief. The other two times I have had this dream, shortly afterwards I would run into the estranged ex in the most random of places (I kid you not), and we would be able to put real closure on our past. It would be nice if it happens that way again, and I can part from this past relationship with mutual goodwill between us… If it doesn’t happen that way, I’m still good.
So, I was thinking about this whole dream life/dream love thing. You have to get ready. You can not have a dirty house and expect a clean man to want to come and be in it. You can’t have your schedule so busy that you don’t even have time to sleep and expect to be able to build a relationship with someone when you don’t even have time for them. You can’t be spiritually in tune unless you take the time out to tune up and no matter how many connections you make in whatever career you choose, if you can’t put your money where your mouth is when it’s time to produce, then your connections are going in vain until you are ready to use them.
I see that what has been written is true. The mist clears. It’s so simple and profound. The mist clears if you open the window. Love is born if you build a nest for it. Life changes if you plan for it. Get ready.
Day 53
Get Ready
Not much today. Went to work and there was a problem with the site we were at today, so they told us to go home, so I went to breakfast with coworkers. It was cool. I like them and the food was delicious!
On another note, in the past week or so, I have been contacted by several very religious guys who are interested in courting me. That is, after they convert me to their particular religion(s). I don’t get it, but it may be that the waters are opening back up again and men are recognizing that I’m available. Hmm… interesting. I wonder what’s going to happen today.
I am discreetly sitting in a coffee shop at a hot spot in town (my sister’s idea) and enjoying watching the many people pass by. I don’t know if I’m just alive today and noticing people or what, but there are so many handsome men around! Smiling and stuff… Hehehe. Makes my day!
Yesterday I completed a major phase of project “comfy home” and also moved forward on my script, and I’m glad to be moving in this direction. It’s like a momentum builds up when you walk in the direction of your dreams, and it builds quick.
So today I’m happy. Wow. I’m happy today! I’m going to capitalize on this energy and this free day and make a lot of progress on my script today. So sorry. Nothing big or grand. No advice. I guess sometimes the way to live with integrity is simply to live.
Have a good day.
Day 52
Live
Up with the sun. I’m usually up before the sun, but often rushing to work.
It’s nice to have this reflective time before the day gets started.
I don’t want to talk about my personal life today.
So this morning I’d like to check out from the recordings that are usually playing in my head and go a little deeper to see what is on the outskirts and insides of my usual thoughts…
Dear God, they have said many things about you. Some have said you don’t exist. Others have said to fear You, Love you, do as You have said in this book or the other. They say you are a part of us and speak to us in every and many ways. You have Created us to Serve you, Worship you, Be Happy, experience everything, do nothing at all, give Glory to you. They say life has nothing to do with you and there is no purpose except for that which we give it. Some say you have an arch enemy who is determined to keep us away from You. Others say the enemy is only our own thoughts.
So you see, God, they are saying many things about you, about Life. They have said other things in the past. As you know, God, I have considered many of the different things they have said about You, and tried some on for size. I have asked you Who you are many times. Maybe I have been asking the wrong question or reading the wrong book. My friend said I have been praying in the wrong language. My sibling said that I should ask “What” and not “Who”… Everybody has an answer, but few seem to walk around with clear eyes and integrity. Few seem to be able to live the lives that they dream…
This morning I am back at the same question: Who Are You? or What Are You? I am tired of listening to what they say. They are more concerned about being right and holding on to their identities and egos than finding out the truth. Look at my heart please. Read my mind. You know where I am coming from.
Systematic programming doesn’t satisfy me. I have tried, but my mind runs too wild. Even the thought of alcohol and drugs leave a bad taste in my mouth already and there is only so much TV i can watch before i get bored, so you see there is no escape for me, no numbing out. Sex? Well, I’m scared of diseases and not particularly interested in random babies, so can’t even go there to get away from thinking…
I have almost died before, been alone, broke, lost, hungry. I have been betrayed by people I love and disliked by people who’s opinions I value. And I have felt life tingling in my hands, had money and faithful lovers and been admired by the same folks who didn’t like me. I have seen a lot of different places and I am not afraid of what might come next. I realize that no matter what happens, I’m either going to live or die.
You have given me that. You have helped me to realize that there is always the choice to live or die. You have shown me that no condition is permanent. You have also shown me that life is bigger than my present perception. I know that You exist. So, this morning, I would like to ask you to show your face, please. Who are you?
A voice whispers in the back of my mind, “you have still not done as I instructed”. OK. You are right. I’m getting to it. I will ask You again when I am done.
Day 51
Who Is God
Good morning world!
I just realized that this is my 50th post, which means I embarked on this journey almost two months ago.
It’s time for a progress report: I guess I’ll start with the thing that led me here first: relationships.
Family – A. My relationships with my family are A – OK and I have finally learned to appreciate my little sister’s presence with me. I am learning a lot with her here and even enjoying her from time to time.
Friends/Romantic – B minus. Much improvement from the “F” that I had when I started this journey. I have finally stopped leading on all of my “almost boyfriends” and consequently my conscience is much clearer. I also stopped hanging out and talking to my “hater” female friends. I’ve opened up to people at work and found out that I work with a bunch of cool creative types like me and I am starting to actually build friendships with grown-up women who are not miserable and bitter! The other day one of my co-workers (also a writer) told me to call her! This is a big deal for me because I haven’t had female friendships with a foundation of mutual good will in a long time…
And romantic? I’m expecting a few of my long-distance exes to show up any time soon. They have been contacting me via the information superhighway and normally they like to do things big, so I wouldn’t be surprised if one or all of them called me any day and told me they were in town. I am faithful enough to release them completely and give us all real closure now, and I am also finally ready to make a real commitment to and be nice to someone, so I’m expecting to be in a committed romantic relationship some time very soon. In the meantime, I’m practicing being nice, encouraging, sweet, giving and loyal towards men. I am learning to speak their language and stop being mean to them, and the response I’m getting is amazing… I feel really good about this aspect of my life.
Spiritual/Religious – A Plus – My understanding of spiritual principles is constantly growing and I am now implementing them in my life.
Work/Financial – C Minus – I’m still ridiculously underemployed, but I am able to eat as I please, keep a roof over my head and get where I need to go. This aspect needs the most improvement, and I think my financial success is going to come as I do the work I am called to do. Some people’s lives are just like that. I now have enough confidence to believe that I actually can be a writer (among other things) and I am finishing projects that have been sitting on the shelf for years! Next week’s agenda: I am going to get an industry professional (and a few others) to read and critique my two scripts and then I am going to start shopping them around!!!
So, my overall average is a straight “B”. I can live with that for now. I am in a state of excited anticipation and I am able to get off the bed every day and get things done. I am also excited about learning how to communicate with the world outside of my head and develop healthy relationships with people. I am getting used to being mentally and emotionally stable and it is becoming easier for me to make decisions that are good for me.
As to add, I’m noticing how we get used to things in life, whether bad or good. We get used to being sad or lonely or rich or poor. We get used to drama and we get used to not expecting much from life or expecting that life should be grand. If your life is not going the way that you would like it to go, then maybe it’s time to take inventory and see what you have gotten used to. Yes, it is your fault, not theirs. You chose to be in a certain relationship, and not go after your dreams or not even take the time to figure out what they are. You chose to develop a habit that you knew wasn’t good for you. You chose to lie to yourself and others. You chose to settle for less than you knew you could be because you were scared, because you didn’t believe that you could have good things. It’s OK. But own up to it.
Now your unfulfilled life has become a habit. You have gotten used to being unfulfilled, so much so that you think “Hungry Man” tastes like real steak. It’s your fault. Own up to it. You did it. Now forgive yourself, make a change, and move on…
Day 50
Take Inventory
My mom called me earlier and read me a story I had written when I was ten years old. I didn’t even realize I had written it until she read the last line, and it was so good! I started crying… LOL. So?
Why do people act like crying is such a big deal? They’re just tears!
I’m still alive and the neck pain/headache didn’t kill me. My neck still hurts and my head hurts when I move it too much, but at least I’m functional.
Right now, I’m sitting in an empty classroom at the school I graduated from and I am working on my script. It’s cold in here and I’m tired and hungry and I don’t know how to transition into the next act of my story, so I’m procrastinating and considering not meeting my completion deadline, which is in exactly 28 hours…
There is enough time to finish this, but that would mean I won’t sleep that much this evening, I can’t call anyone just to shoot the breeze, and no daydreaming for me tonight. Also no web-surfing, internet games, talking to my sister or any other social interaction.
This has been the hardest thing for me to do, but I’m about to do it. How, Lord? How do I get over whatever is blocking me from finishing this seemingly simple assignment?…
Just got kicked out of my classroom and now I’m in the library. I don’t know how they did it, the Trumans and Santiago’s, the Harriet Tubmans and the single momma’s, the people who do a thing that seems hard, the people who follow a dream against all odds. I know I’ve been one of them before, but I don’t remember how I did it. I guess things just never seemed hard before.
OK. So, now. This I have decided to do. Cryng is over. We are at the flying part now. I have decided to fly now. Today God, I learned that you are the giver of Life. I know from my past that you are able to make the things that seem impossible possible. I know that you have put it in me to write, and so I am going to lay down the worries. I know that you have given me, us, this gift, called will, and that when our will is in alignment with your design for us, then there is no limit to your aide. So dear God, tonight I solicit your aide. I choose to finish this project. I choose to step into my life and my own shoes. I choose now today and forever more to live my purpose here on Earth.
I choose it, and I allow it to be easy. I allow it be easy. I allow it to be easy. I allow it to be easy. I allow the words to flow. I allow myself to be well. God I allow myself to be strong and happy. Smart and kind. Successful and Loving. Powerful and humble. Creative and grounded in the truth. Tonight, God, with your permission, I choose to step into the life that you have destined for me, and I release everything, everything, old mental patterns, beliefs, people, thoughts and actions that are not in alignment with what I am creating. I release all of it. All of it. All of it. And I accept all of it.
This is the truth of my life. Ameen.
Day 49
Just Do It
I called off work today. My head and neck are feeling really bad.
I’m going to dress up really nice, go get a professional massage, eat something healthy for lunch, walk in the park, and then post up at a coffee shop in a clean part of town and work on my script…
Our bodies let us know when they need a tune-up. I am learning to listen.
Good day.
Day 48
Take Care of Yourself
Last night I worked on my script. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. I started writing and about an hour into it, my shoulders started tensing up. Then my head started hurting really bad. I went to look in the mirror and my eyes were bloodshot red. Finally when my stomach starting hurting, I got off the computer and went to sleep. It was a bit much…
I’m just waking up and I wish I could say I felt much better, but I don’t. Everything still hurts, and I have to go to work today. I feel a little heartbroken. I mean, no one has broken my heart recently, but my feelings have come back alive and I realize that I’m hungry for someone to Love and for someone to Love me back. I guess these are the moments folks don’t talk about. The breakdown moments that will have you stuck in time.
I have learned that it is possible to breakdown and move forward. In fact, the two seem to be correlated, like whenever you commit to making a big change, there has to be some sort of breakdown, because your old life is ending. It’s not usually pretty like the movies. Actually, it usually looks like a drug addict detoxing and going through withdrawal…
So, what to do? I’m going to work for sure and I’m going to try my best to get out of this funk and be nice to the kids at work. And finally, I’m finishing my script on time. Final answer. Finishing this script gives me a sense of purpose. Maybe that’s why it’s taking me so long to finish it. Because what will get me through the day once it’s done? What happens when you lose your sense of purpose? When your kids grow up or your significant other leaves or you have finished doing the thing that has motivated you to get off the bed for so long?
I don’t know the answer. Too many sad questions to start the day off. What I do know is that there is an answer. There is a way out of this state of mind. So, I’m going to sit down, let these thoughts go for a minute, say my prayers, and surrender to the truth that lives beyond my fear and my pain.
Have a good day.
Day 47
Surrender
One of my readers asked me to write more on “how not to cry every day” and I’d like to comment on that. I think that there are many different paths to reach an end, but there are certain methods that seem to work no matter what you are trying to accomplish in your life. I can only tell you what has been working for me: getting off the bed every day, setting clear intentions, being honest with myself, taking responsibility for my life and blaming absolutely no one (not even my parents) for the situation I am in, being consistent, and, finally, being willing to change.
There are a million plus self-help books, philosophies, people and doctrines that will tell you how to improve your life, but it has been my experience that nothing seems to work better than setting a sincere intention and then actually doing the things that you are led to do…
I saw one of my most favorite people in the world yesterday. He’s leaving town soon and I went to spend some time with him… He reminded me that I am not made of stone or ice and that “relationship” can be a good word. I had forgotten. “Relationship” is actually one of my favorite words…
We get caught up in the drama and surround ourselves with folks we don’t even like, much less Love, and then we begin to despise each other… Maybe someone wants something from us that we are not willing to give or someone doesn’t want to or isn’t able to give us what we want and instead of finding people whose desires are compatible with ours, we stick around, all the while forgetting what it feels like to be easy, to feel accepted, to be honest.
It’s so much easier just to spend time with someone who wants the same type of relationship you want and is willing and able to build that with you. It seems so simple in retrospect, but I have spent a lot of time pushing and pulling, trying to make people be a certain thing for me when they don’t want to be that way, or trying to make myself be a certain thing for someone else when I don’t really want to be that way.
Thank you, my dear friend, for reminding me. I am grateful.
Day 46
Spend Time With Someone You Like
I took some time out to sit still, meditate and pray this morning. It always helps to clear my mind. What a gift.
So then I checked my email and I had a couple invitations to some events and someone asked if it was possible that I could be lucky in addition to everything else. I guess so… I guess it’s possible if luck is possible. That’s a whole other can of worms, though, and I don’t want to open it…
Love has been on my mind lately. I read my “Calling in the One” book this morning and the chapter was “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall”. The author asserts that whatever life a person is living is reflection of their current state and their deep subconscious beliefs. Example: if you believe that all men are horrible liars, you will most likely experience relationships with men who constantly lie to you, etc.
So, per the authors suggestion, I did a mental audit to see what was going on in my brain. I found a lot of good stuff, but there was still some murky lurky dark stuff. Something in particular resonated with me.
I really want to marry a fabulous man. I mean, not someone who has the potential to be a fabulous man, someone who actually is. I must say i am proud of myself for the progress that I have made in the past month or so, and I am encouraged to realize how quickly one’s life can change, but if I was to look at myself from the outside, I would say, “Well, she has the potential to be fabulous. She’s doing good and she’s on her way, but she’s still got a little more work to do before she can get with that man.”
So, there are only three things left for me to do. They’re really simple and I’ve been putting them on the back burner for months now. Clean up, organize my schtuff, and finish writing and submitting my screenplay. It sounds simple enough, but the possibility of finishing them scares the mess out of me sometimes. If I am lucky, which I know I am, then when I finish these things, I will be permanently on the other side of happy. I will have a different kind of book to write and another kind of song to sing. But I have been sitting back and not doing these simple things. Why are we so afraid of the things that we want??? I will have an actual good man in my life and a family of my own… I will actually make a whole bunch of money doing fulfilling work… Wow. What a concept.
I’m doing it. Yep. I’m going there today. You are my witness. It’s up to me how long it takes to manifest this thing and I’d like to do it now. Yeah, now. It seems like a good time. Why not? So, off to start the day!
Today I learned that God is the Most Gracious. If this is true, and if God is for me and not against me, then I have the Most Gracious Creator of the wind on my side and I can go forth knowing that whatever challenges may come my way, I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams and I will make it joyfully to the other side. Ameen.
Day 45
Stop Procrastinating
hownottocryeveryday 