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Day 37 – Be Still

September 12, 2011

Hi journal/blog/world,

I just woke up from a long siesta. I got off work early today, and I was a bit exhausted from being on “go” 17 hours at a time these past few days, so i went to sleep.

My mom’s coming to visit tomorrow. I need to go grocery shopping and finish cleaning up and unpacking… I’m feeling a little low right now. Kind of bored and borderline anxious…

Things have changed dramatically since i started this blog, but old demons are starting to creep up in my mind. I feel like I need to call a sponsor. Are the happy people happy all the time or do they have moments like this?

I’m not going to lie, some times I feed into the old fairytale of the knight in shining armor coming to save me and change my life forever. I see these well-groomed women on the rich parts of town sometimes. They are about my age, give or take a few years, and they usually have a little baby or two and a dog and a nice car. Their feet don’t have any dirt on them, even though they play barefooted in the parks with their kids…

Today my brother and I were riding together and we were looking at people on the streets and wondering what kind of lives they live and asking ourselves if we would want to live their lives. He’s getting nicer, my brother. It was almost like old times hanging with him today… Anyway, I don’t live on the rich side of town, so we saw poor people everywhere. Ladies younger than me getting off the bus with two or three kids and walking on the dirty streets in the hot sun, old people bent over trying to get some shade, and blue-collar workers everywhere.

So what am I trying to say today? Nothing. I got nothing, God, and this bed is looking good again. The thrill is gone. What do I do? I am sitting on my bed as I write this, thinking of all of the posts I’ve written, trying to let it go and take my own advice and work through it. I’m thinking of all the religious books I’ve read and trying to find a place where they tell you what to do in these times. I’m thinking of my sweet Godson who is excited about learning again and so wise. I’m thinking about my mom and how she smiles from deep deep in her eyes.

I’m thinking about my heart and the only thing that is coming to me is, “Be Still”. “But how am I supposed to be still and work through it?”, I ask myself in a schizophrenic type of way. “You’ll figure it out.”

OK. Okay…

Day 37

Be Still

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