My hands are tingling again.
Last a night I watched a friend of mine (I have a new friend!) cry over the realization that her lover probably didn’t care about her as much as she cared about him. She had told him that she needed him to help her with something. She was really afraid and just wanted his comfort. He essentially told her that he didn’t feel like being there for her, and she was devastated. I got the impression that this kind of thing had happened before.
I wanted to talk to her, ask her about her relationship, give her advice, etc., but instead I just sat there with her as she cried. She knew what was going on, and so did I. There was no need for lectures.
We all know when we’re not happy. We know when something just isn’t right, and we know when we are in relationships where one person wants or is ready for something different than the other. Someone wants to be in love and the other just wants a sex buddy. One person wants a commitment and their partner is not ready or interested in that. We get with folks who have announced, declared and showed us in every form and fashion that they are not willing or able to give us what we need, or we are on the other side of the pimp cycle and get with someone who we are not wiling to give to, and then we sit around and try to change each other into what we want.
For various reasons, we settle for relationships that are much less than honest. We don’t love folks, but we keep them around so at least we have someone to eat dinner with. We are not willing to give them what they want, but, hey, we’re not willing be alone either, so we just lie to all parties involved, including ourselves.
We don’t realize that we are wasting time. We don’t realize that we are learning to ignore our true feelings and become disconnected from each other. We don’t realize that we are dying little by little every time we pretend that we are OK when we are not. We don’t see the damage we are doing to each other…
An old friend of mine once told me that throughout our relationship he had made an intention to make me feel Loved, beautiful and special. In retrospect, I can see clearly that his actions towards me at that time reflected his intentions.
I think we owe it to each other to be clear about what we are trying to create. Our hearts are at stake…
Day 34
Be Clear About What You’d Like to Create
So,
I tried the apology thing. Smh. Everybody wasn’t feeling it. It’s OK. Just because I decide to go on a mission of redemption doesn’t mean that everyone else is going to jump on the bandwagon.
I get it. It’s something to learn. Everyone moves at their own pace and in the direction that they want and need to go at the moment. Sometimes you are not in the same place at the same time with the people you are close to.
I am learning something, though. Love does not give up. I mean, someone you Love can hurt you, do whatever it is they do, but that doesn’t mean that you have to become like them. You can forgive even if they don’t change. You can have compassion even if they harm you. You don’t have to be around them or tolerate bad treatment, but you don’t have to hate them either. You don’t have to trust them or give your gifts to them if they show that they are not safe or good for you, but you don’t have to stop Loving them.
If we knew better we would do better.
You can pray for them. You can wish for them the good things that you wish for yourself. You can let go of the pain they caused and it doesn’t mean they will hurt you again. You can learn to make better decisions and you can even do that without beating yourself up. You can forgive yourself for the ways that you compromised. You can let go of the places that hurt really deep.
Sure, forgiveness may come with a few tears. You might actually have to change your mind about something and admit (if even only to yourself) that the other person may not have been completely at fault for everything, but it’s worth it. What are a few tears and an ego blow compared to a light heart?
There are those that will want you to suffer. They want you to pay for the harm you may have done. Don’t buy into it. They will never stop. Tell them sorry when you mean it, ask them how you can make it up if they will take it, and then move on. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Do things different now. Learn and do things different now. And move on.
That’s what I learned today.
Day 33
Forgive
I spent a lot of time exercising, meditating and reading this morning. Actually, it’s not even morning anymore, but mid-afternoon.
I like what happens when I exercise. Besides the physical benefits, my mind is clearer and I feel less stressed.
Not much to write about today. It’s Labor Day. There’s a lot going on in this big city. I know this is supposed to be a social day, but I feel more inclined to finish unpacking my things and decorate…
I’m going to write some apology and closure letters today. I had become used to having a clear conscience and there are some disturbances in the force with some of the people I’ve said goodbye to. I don’t like the way we parted.
The thing about saying sorry is that when you say sorry to someone who has harmed you, you think that maybe they will never recognize that they did you wrong, because you are the one who apologized. That belief used to make me hold on tight to those apologies. At the end of the day, though, it hurts not to say sorry. It hurts to know that there is a bad feeling between you and someone you’ve cared about. All you can do is your own part and leave them to do as they will. Those are my thoughts, at least.
Have a good day.
Day 32
Apologize
I have to say something.
I started this blog a little over a month ago as an experiment. For myself, mainly, but I also thought that some people might benefit from the things I had to say and from knowing that they are not alone on their journeys.
My response has been much different than anticipated. I originally invited only a few people who I knew and then other people who I didn’t know started to read. I can’t monitor who reads this blog, but I can monitor how many people read, and I had a surprisingly high number of readers initially. When I stopped writing for over a week, my readers fell off, but now they are coming back.
What is most interesting is how people respond. I have had people contact me asking for advice and encouragement, and I have had others contact me to give me advice and encouragement, and I have opened myself up to the judgements and opinions of people I don’t even know.
It’s not easy, putting myself out there, knowing that someone will talk about me; knowing that someone else may find out something that makes them not like me. But that is one of the reasons I started this blog. So that I could get over this need to pretend like I am perfect. With the life work I have chosen, I’m going to have to be able to tell the whole truth if I want to help people.
And I think that is the biggest reason that most of us stay so hidden from each other. We don’t want to be judged. We don’t want anyone to say we’re crazy or stupid or sick. We don’t want to be laughed at or talked about, so we pretend that we have it all together. We start wars, kill, divorce, fight, and destroy all so that we can guard our points of view and hold on to this idea that, yes, we are right and you are wrong.
The truth is, when we are alone with our thoughts and honest, we know that no matter how much we know we could always know more. We know that there have been times in our lives when we haven’t had it all together, when we haven’t even bothered to think about living with integrity.
A friend of mine who reads this blog told me that he always thought I was so happy. I am. And I’m sad sometimes and kind and honest and mean and selfish and giving and funny and serious… I’m thinking of Alanis Morisette’s song “I’m a *itch I’m a Lover”…
Wonder if she’d like to be friends?
Day 30
Stop Pretending
It’s a really nice day out today. I don’t have to go to work until the late afternoon, so I slept in this morning and had so many good dreams. I don’t remember any of them, but I feel so refreshed. My heart is beating strong…I thought about Mr. X a lot. It doesn’t matter which one. Let’s just say, in my daydreams, we had the relationship that we never had in real life, and it was grand! A dream come true to say the least. I’d like to be able to do that in my real life; create loving relationships where our original intention is sustained over time.
So, I was waiting on a miracle yesterday, and one happened! I’ve been submitting for jobs to this modeling/event staffing company for over four years now and they have never booked me on anything. Yesterday, as usual, I submitted for an event they were staffing and somebody actually called and booked me! I will be going in to work later this afternoon, so I’ve got to spruce myself up today. I’ve been out of pretty girl land for a while…
I started reading “Calling in the One” today. You know what i like so much about that book? It encourages you to do stuff. Not just read about it, not just write about it, it encourages you to get off the bed, out of the room, maybe even stay in the room, but to get out of your head and do something to move yourself forward. And then it encourages you to keep doing it.
I’ve been writing a lot, and I’m glad, because before I couldn’t even do this much, but there are a lot of unfinished projects, unfinished work, still sitting in my head, written on these pages but unexecuted. The thought of finishing them actually makes my heart race. Why is that? Why are we so afraid of our success? I know that once I do the work, once I’ve acted on these ideas in my head, life is actually going to be different.
I have so much on my “needs to be done” list. I can finish one of them today though, so I’m going to that.
Time to get to work.
Day 29
Finish Something
Well it’s day 28. Tadaaa! the magic number. The day the brain is changed. We’ll se what happens today.
It’s also the first day of the “Calling In The One” webinar class. If you haven’t heard of the book, I will attest that it is one of, if not the most transformational books I have ever read. It’s not what it seems like and the title is a bit misleading. The book is actually about dedicating yourself to changing and growing past your present paradigm, so that you may become “the one” that “the one” you are waiting for is waiting for.
I’m not gonna pay for the web class, but I already have the book, and so I’m gonna read it again along with the other people. I read it two years ago, and almost, almost, called in “the one”, the one whose breakup inspired this deep, dark, crazy depression that i am now getting out of. Lol. My life was better than ever after reading it, though.
An interesting thing happened to me last night. I was perusing through my friends’ Facebook pics and i came across this pic of a man. He was stunning. Recently, my sis has been trying to recommend men for me and inevitably she picks men who I’m not attracted to. So I showed her a pic of this man who I just thought looked perfect for me in every way. After looking at a few of his pics, she looked at me and said, “He looks just like your ex.”
I looked again. He did. I hadn’t thought about this particular man in so long that I didn’t realize that my dreamboat man had his eyes, his expression, even a similar mouth! More importantly, I didn’t realize that I was still subconsciously looking for him in every man I met. I’m willing to let that go now…
People who have never been in Love don’t understand these kind of things; what it’s like to love everything about someone. How it feels to be willing to travel to ends of the Earth with a person, to actually enjoy looking into another’s eyes. They don’t understand why people do such crazy things in the name of Love and how easy it is to become lost, mixed-up, lifted, inspired, and entwined with another once you have come to the magic land we call love…
But I remember. Love is easy. There is no forcing, no guessing, no maybe should I’s about Love when you are in tune with yourself. It comes naturally. It exists. I remember a time when I didn’t have to ask questions about Love, about Life, about which direction to take. Things came naturally. It was the same me that smiled from deep in my eyes. It was the same me that lived with integrity. Now I can mix some of that life experience/wise stuff in and make better choices. I’m ready, though. I’m ready to come back home to myself…
Day 28
Get Back To Yourself
Well, according to the days on my post, my life should be almost transformed by now, if the theory is true that it takes 28 days to accept a change in the brain.
So if it takes 28 days, does that mean 28 days for a seed to plant in your brain, or 28 to see the manifestation of a changed life?
Since starting this experiment, a few things have changed. I’ve moved to a new apartment. I’ve only been here a few days, so I’m not quite sure how I feel about this yet. I’ve dumped almost all of my men friends. It kind of feels bad but in the end i know it was the right thing to do. I’ve sent out my children’s book to one publisher and also written another project on spec that I’m waiting to hear back about.
And now i’m wondering what’s next. Where is the fairy dust that I’m gonna sprinkle that’s going to bring me an actual man? How am i going to make new friends and where do i find them at? When is somebody going to hire me at a job where i can earn enough to do as i please when i please? When do I get to be an actual writer and community builder and help folks? When does life change?
These are the questions that go through my head. I have been trying to make changes for 27 days. Some people try for 27 weeks, months, and even years. How long does it take to manifest the life of your dreams and when is it quitting time?
I have the utmost respect for the artists, doctors, lawyers, healed folks, mothers, singers, dancers, engineers, folks who keep at a thing even when they don’t know how they are going to get to the other side. They have found a way to believe in a thing they do not see and they keep believing until that thing becomes real.
I am following their lead.
Day 27
Keep The Faith
I woke up good today, with a smile on my heart. It has been so, so long since I’ve felt this way.
My fingers are tingling with life again.
Last night I met with my wanna-be son and he was so excited about us working together! I am glad i didn’t quit on him.
I slept in my new bed last night, the first new bed I have ever bought. The sun is shining through the leaves outside of my window and there is a breeze in the house.
I dumped another almost-man last night (or rather he dumped me) and I don’t even feel bad about it. He wasn’t nice to me.
So i guess I’ll grow to be old and without a man or I’ll actually have a good relationship that I’m satisfied with it. It’s Ok with me.
I am learning that there is so much life beyond our present perceptions. I am learning to step into the things I am afraid of. I am learning not to give up. I am learning to believe in good things, even if I have to cry along the way.
Someone told me this the other day: Birth does not smell like roses. It is messy and bloody. There is pushing and struggle involved, and death can be painful as well and it can bring much sorrow to the ones experiencing the loss. But after you have pushed through the mess and the pain, after you have grieved the loss, a new life is born. It always is.
Ameen.
Day 26
A New Day Has Come
I’ve got the internet again.
And i got a bed yesterday which will be delivered in a couple hours.
I’ve been in the apartment most of this morning and spent a long time praying and meditating. I didn’t grow up meditating, but my parents taught us about prayer at a young age. When i was younger, i never really understood why people prayed, but now i can’t understand how people make it through the day without taking a moment to reflect.
I guess prayer, meditation, and reflection are not neccessarily the same thing, but to me they are correlated. With all this moving around, it had been about two weeks since i sat down for some real prayer, and i don’t think i want to go that long without getting connected again.
The speaker at my spiritual center suggested that we take a moment every day to clear our minds, ask to know the truth and to be available to accept and live the truth. It took a while for me this morning because there is so much going on in my surface mind, but i was finally able to get to a place where my mind just shut up and for a moment i realized that in any given moment, anything is possible.
I imagined that i was giving myself a lobotomy, and i looked at all of the things that were going through my head, thoughts of anger, betrayal, unforgiveness, despair. I also saw the other things floating around: hope, love, faith, happiness was even over there. But the negative thoughts were rooted really deep, in between the mushy brain things, and the positive thoughts were just floating around. They didn’t have much space to take root.
So i imagined that i was a mother, planting a new garden, and i looked at all the mushy bad things. One by one i took them out. I took out this big “victim” thing that had been rooted like right in the center of my brain. It was surrounded with all of my resentments towards so many men, and it was fluid and brown, like an umbilical chord. I held and i asked everyone, all of them, to forgive me. I know i have hurt a lot people, whether wilingly or unwillingly. I forgave them as well. It wasn’t that hard because i wanted to forgive them. When i took out the pain, there was an empty space. The good stuff was still floating around, not planted in my brain yet.
I went ahead and took out other things, too. My deep-rooted sadness. It was sleeping in a little space, but it didn’t put up much of a fight when i asked it to leave. It actually seemed a little cramped…
I am better today. The experiment is working. I am coming out of the muck for good. Thank you God.
Day 25
Take Time To Clear Your Mind
hownottocryeveryday 