The length of time of my low moments has reduced drastically from years to months to days and now they don’t even last a full day. I am thankful.
I’m up with the sun this morning and I don’t have to go to work. My objective today is to transform my apartment into a comfy home before my mom shows up later this evening. It breaks her heart if she thinks her kids aren’t happy.
I’d like to share something with you. The sweetest thing happened last night. A friend of mine sent me this text:
“Dream lofty dreams, and as u dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be: your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil”.
I don’t know where he got it from or if he made it up, but I’m going to write that on my wall.
Another friend once told me that we think our dreams are only for us, but we don’t know what God’s plans are and how He is trying to do other things through us…
I think this happy thing, this integrity thing, can be treated like anything else a person wants to accomplish. It is a practice. You have to set an intention, just as if you were trying to learn a new skill or go to school or lose weight. You have to decide that you are going to do something and then you have to develop practices that reinforce your decision.
Today I am going to do at least one thing that reinforces my decision to live the life of my dreams. I guess I’ve never told you what the life of my dreams is. It’s a big lofty one, and I don’t share it with many people because I think they will laugh at me and say that I’m asking for too much. It is the dream that has been in me since I was a kid, though, and I haven’t been able to let it go. So here it is:
Firstly and foremost, I would like to live a life of integrity with a clear conscience. Before I leave this Earth, I would like to serve the purpose that I was put here to serve. This part gets murky, but I know that I have a talent and ability to help people with my words and with my hands, and I know that I am a natural leader. I envision my life as me being ridiculously wealthy. Money is never a thought in my mind because I have on overflow of it. I envision a wonderful husband who I am passionate about, compatible with, and deeply in Love with, and the feeling is mutual. I envision a relationship based on a foundation of truth, kindness, compassion, respect and real Love. Maybe I have a few children. Yeah, there are some kids in this dream and they are cute kids. My life work involves writing, teaching and helping to build up communities and individuals and I travel around the world doing this. I have a network of true friends and family where our relationships are mutually satisfactory, comforting and inspirational…. I am insanely happy and in tune with my spirit and life is a grand adventure.
This is my lofty dream. I don’t know who teaches us at some point that our dreams can’t come true. Why not? If I honestly think about it, I have spent a lot of time in my life doing many different things, working some random job, being involved in relationships that aren’t working, laying around on the bed, starting projects I don’t finish, etc…
In 25+ years I have not even dedicated more than five months at a time to trying to create the life of my dreams. Heck, I have even been afraid of saying my dream out loud until recently. But no more. I’m putting in the time and the work. They say that God’s will for us is joy, not sorrow, and so I say, Let His Will Be Done.
Ameen.
Day 38
Let His Will Be Done
Hi journal/blog/world,
I just woke up from a long siesta. I got off work early today, and I was a bit exhausted from being on “go” 17 hours at a time these past few days, so i went to sleep.
My mom’s coming to visit tomorrow. I need to go grocery shopping and finish cleaning up and unpacking… I’m feeling a little low right now. Kind of bored and borderline anxious…
Things have changed dramatically since i started this blog, but old demons are starting to creep up in my mind. I feel like I need to call a sponsor. Are the happy people happy all the time or do they have moments like this?
I’m not going to lie, some times I feed into the old fairytale of the knight in shining armor coming to save me and change my life forever. I see these well-groomed women on the rich parts of town sometimes. They are about my age, give or take a few years, and they usually have a little baby or two and a dog and a nice car. Their feet don’t have any dirt on them, even though they play barefooted in the parks with their kids…
Today my brother and I were riding together and we were looking at people on the streets and wondering what kind of lives they live and asking ourselves if we would want to live their lives. He’s getting nicer, my brother. It was almost like old times hanging with him today… Anyway, I don’t live on the rich side of town, so we saw poor people everywhere. Ladies younger than me getting off the bus with two or three kids and walking on the dirty streets in the hot sun, old people bent over trying to get some shade, and blue-collar workers everywhere.
So what am I trying to say today? Nothing. I got nothing, God, and this bed is looking good again. The thrill is gone. What do I do? I am sitting on my bed as I write this, thinking of all of the posts I’ve written, trying to let it go and take my own advice and work through it. I’m thinking of all the religious books I’ve read and trying to find a place where they tell you what to do in these times. I’m thinking of my sweet Godson who is excited about learning again and so wise. I’m thinking about my mom and how she smiles from deep deep in her eyes.
I’m thinking about my heart and the only thing that is coming to me is, “Be Still”. “But how am I supposed to be still and work through it?”, I ask myself in a schizophrenic type of way. “You’ll figure it out.”
OK. Okay…
Day 37
Be Still
Elizabeth Gilbert said it in her book “Eat, Pray Love”. “Tell the truth, tell the truth tell the truth”.
I talked to my mom yesterday.
I Love my mom. She and I have had a very volatile relationship throughout my life for various reasons, but last night she spoke some wisdom to me, and I remembered the things that are so fabulous about her.
She is a different kind of bird and as long as I have known her, she has taught us to be honest. I am thankful for having come from such a woman of integrity and I am thankful for the way she has taught us to Love and forgive and be strong and tell the truth. I hope to be a good mommy one day and I hope my kids will be able to say I taught them something good.
Anyway, I was telling my mom about an issue that I had with one of my siblings and she reminded me of a time when I had displayed the same behavior I was complaining about. She told me that if i have grown, I shouldn’t look down on my sibling now and I should remember how I felt when I was behaving like him and try to understand him. Then she said that if I really want to talk to him, I should just sit down with him, don’t be afraid, and tell him the truth.
I’ve heard this before, but I heard it in my heart yesterday and it seemed profound. You should tell the truth even when the person you are talking to might not want to hear it or they might reject you or it might change a relationship that is already fragile? ” Yeah”, I thought to myself. Why not?
So many things have happened these past two days… I Love tutoring my Godson. He is so honest and genuine and he’s smart. I knew he was smart and I’m glad that his life is going to be good… I have an opportunity to make a lot of money very soon. I made a deal with a writer friend of mine for both of us to finish our major writing projects within the next few weeks, I’ve cleared up all the haze around my relationships with the males in my life and I started back exercising regularly.
I feel good this morning, alive and awake and strong. I am choosing to live with integrity…
Ameen.
Day 35
Tell The Truth
My hands are tingling again.
Last a night I watched a friend of mine (I have a new friend!) cry over the realization that her lover probably didn’t care about her as much as she cared about him. She had told him that she needed him to help her with something. She was really afraid and just wanted his comfort. He essentially told her that he didn’t feel like being there for her, and she was devastated. I got the impression that this kind of thing had happened before.
I wanted to talk to her, ask her about her relationship, give her advice, etc., but instead I just sat there with her as she cried. She knew what was going on, and so did I. There was no need for lectures.
We all know when we’re not happy. We know when something just isn’t right, and we know when we are in relationships where one person wants or is ready for something different than the other. Someone wants to be in love and the other just wants a sex buddy. One person wants a commitment and their partner is not ready or interested in that. We get with folks who have announced, declared and showed us in every form and fashion that they are not willing or able to give us what we need, or we are on the other side of the pimp cycle and get with someone who we are not wiling to give to, and then we sit around and try to change each other into what we want.
For various reasons, we settle for relationships that are much less than honest. We don’t love folks, but we keep them around so at least we have someone to eat dinner with. We are not willing to give them what they want, but, hey, we’re not willing be alone either, so we just lie to all parties involved, including ourselves.
We don’t realize that we are wasting time. We don’t realize that we are learning to ignore our true feelings and become disconnected from each other. We don’t realize that we are dying little by little every time we pretend that we are OK when we are not. We don’t see the damage we are doing to each other…
An old friend of mine once told me that throughout our relationship he had made an intention to make me feel Loved, beautiful and special. In retrospect, I can see clearly that his actions towards me at that time reflected his intentions.
I think we owe it to each other to be clear about what we are trying to create. Our hearts are at stake…
Day 34
Be Clear About What You’d Like to Create
So,
I tried the apology thing. Smh. Everybody wasn’t feeling it. It’s OK. Just because I decide to go on a mission of redemption doesn’t mean that everyone else is going to jump on the bandwagon.
I get it. It’s something to learn. Everyone moves at their own pace and in the direction that they want and need to go at the moment. Sometimes you are not in the same place at the same time with the people you are close to.
I am learning something, though. Love does not give up. I mean, someone you Love can hurt you, do whatever it is they do, but that doesn’t mean that you have to become like them. You can forgive even if they don’t change. You can have compassion even if they harm you. You don’t have to be around them or tolerate bad treatment, but you don’t have to hate them either. You don’t have to trust them or give your gifts to them if they show that they are not safe or good for you, but you don’t have to stop Loving them.
If we knew better we would do better.
You can pray for them. You can wish for them the good things that you wish for yourself. You can let go of the pain they caused and it doesn’t mean they will hurt you again. You can learn to make better decisions and you can even do that without beating yourself up. You can forgive yourself for the ways that you compromised. You can let go of the places that hurt really deep.
Sure, forgiveness may come with a few tears. You might actually have to change your mind about something and admit (if even only to yourself) that the other person may not have been completely at fault for everything, but it’s worth it. What are a few tears and an ego blow compared to a light heart?
There are those that will want you to suffer. They want you to pay for the harm you may have done. Don’t buy into it. They will never stop. Tell them sorry when you mean it, ask them how you can make it up if they will take it, and then move on. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Do things different now. Learn and do things different now. And move on.
That’s what I learned today.
Day 33
Forgive
I spent a lot of time exercising, meditating and reading this morning. Actually, it’s not even morning anymore, but mid-afternoon.
I like what happens when I exercise. Besides the physical benefits, my mind is clearer and I feel less stressed.
Not much to write about today. It’s Labor Day. There’s a lot going on in this big city. I know this is supposed to be a social day, but I feel more inclined to finish unpacking my things and decorate…
I’m going to write some apology and closure letters today. I had become used to having a clear conscience and there are some disturbances in the force with some of the people I’ve said goodbye to. I don’t like the way we parted.
The thing about saying sorry is that when you say sorry to someone who has harmed you, you think that maybe they will never recognize that they did you wrong, because you are the one who apologized. That belief used to make me hold on tight to those apologies. At the end of the day, though, it hurts not to say sorry. It hurts to know that there is a bad feeling between you and someone you’ve cared about. All you can do is your own part and leave them to do as they will. Those are my thoughts, at least.
Have a good day.
Day 32
Apologize
I have to say something.
I started this blog a little over a month ago as an experiment. For myself, mainly, but I also thought that some people might benefit from the things I had to say and from knowing that they are not alone on their journeys.
My response has been much different than anticipated. I originally invited only a few people who I knew and then other people who I didn’t know started to read. I can’t monitor who reads this blog, but I can monitor how many people read, and I had a surprisingly high number of readers initially. When I stopped writing for over a week, my readers fell off, but now they are coming back.
What is most interesting is how people respond. I have had people contact me asking for advice and encouragement, and I have had others contact me to give me advice and encouragement, and I have opened myself up to the judgements and opinions of people I don’t even know.
It’s not easy, putting myself out there, knowing that someone will talk about me; knowing that someone else may find out something that makes them not like me. But that is one of the reasons I started this blog. So that I could get over this need to pretend like I am perfect. With the life work I have chosen, I’m going to have to be able to tell the whole truth if I want to help people.
And I think that is the biggest reason that most of us stay so hidden from each other. We don’t want to be judged. We don’t want anyone to say we’re crazy or stupid or sick. We don’t want to be laughed at or talked about, so we pretend that we have it all together. We start wars, kill, divorce, fight, and destroy all so that we can guard our points of view and hold on to this idea that, yes, we are right and you are wrong.
The truth is, when we are alone with our thoughts and honest, we know that no matter how much we know we could always know more. We know that there have been times in our lives when we haven’t had it all together, when we haven’t even bothered to think about living with integrity.
A friend of mine who reads this blog told me that he always thought I was so happy. I am. And I’m sad sometimes and kind and honest and mean and selfish and giving and funny and serious… I’m thinking of Alanis Morisette’s song “I’m a *itch I’m a Lover”…
Wonder if she’d like to be friends?
Day 30
Stop Pretending
It’s a really nice day out today. I don’t have to go to work until the late afternoon, so I slept in this morning and had so many good dreams. I don’t remember any of them, but I feel so refreshed. My heart is beating strong…I thought about Mr. X a lot. It doesn’t matter which one. Let’s just say, in my daydreams, we had the relationship that we never had in real life, and it was grand! A dream come true to say the least. I’d like to be able to do that in my real life; create loving relationships where our original intention is sustained over time.
So, I was waiting on a miracle yesterday, and one happened! I’ve been submitting for jobs to this modeling/event staffing company for over four years now and they have never booked me on anything. Yesterday, as usual, I submitted for an event they were staffing and somebody actually called and booked me! I will be going in to work later this afternoon, so I’ve got to spruce myself up today. I’ve been out of pretty girl land for a while…
I started reading “Calling in the One” today. You know what i like so much about that book? It encourages you to do stuff. Not just read about it, not just write about it, it encourages you to get off the bed, out of the room, maybe even stay in the room, but to get out of your head and do something to move yourself forward. And then it encourages you to keep doing it.
I’ve been writing a lot, and I’m glad, because before I couldn’t even do this much, but there are a lot of unfinished projects, unfinished work, still sitting in my head, written on these pages but unexecuted. The thought of finishing them actually makes my heart race. Why is that? Why are we so afraid of our success? I know that once I do the work, once I’ve acted on these ideas in my head, life is actually going to be different.
I have so much on my “needs to be done” list. I can finish one of them today though, so I’m going to that.
Time to get to work.
Day 29
Finish Something
