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Day 42 – Push

September 19, 2011

I had a hard time getting off the bed this morning. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to stay home and finish decorating, work on my script and talk to my mom. I wanted to go and do yoga in the park, but I had to go to a job that I really could care less about, and that gave me a bit of anxiety…

Yesterday my sis came to visit from out of town. She asked me how long I plan to stay in this city and she put some things on my mind… I hadn’t really thought about an “out” date. I mean, when I first came here, I had an out date, but then I didn’t stick to my plan and took a year off, and then I just got caught up with being caught up.

My sister’s question made me realize that I have gotten caught in a pattern, and not one that I want to be a part of: a pattern of isolation, dysfunctional relationships, financial struggles, and stagnation. This has been my life for the past two years… How did I get here and what am I doing here? This is not where I’d like to be anymore.  It doesn’t really fit.

There is no progress without effort, whether that effort involves an action or whether that effort just involves making a conscious decision to be open and available to guidance and help.

I am thankful for the tools that I am discovering; that life is bigger than one’s present paradigm.

So, today didn’t start off feeling too good, but I am beyond the point where my movement is dependent on my feelings. I have learned that you can push past the feelings. You can push past the resistance, You can push past the life that you have and walk into something different. I’m in it to win it…

Day 42

Push

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