I have been out of my cocoon for the past week or so and I have been busy going places, parties, plays, dates, working on gigs with different groups of people. I feel like an outsider looking in on life. I am a brand new butterfly and life and people seem so much different from this perspective. I have grown a lot since starting this blog, and some of the people I knew before have grown as well, but everyone hasn’t, and some have grown in different directions than me, and now I am wondering where do I belong…
You see, a butterfly and a caterpillar have two completely different world views. Can you imagine? Caterpillars move so slowly. They are always down and the world is big and unattainable from their perspective. They are eaten by bigger predators and their silk is used by other species, and they are more concerned with trying to survive and finding food than anything else. How do they cope, then, when they become butterflies, beautiful and majestic, moving quickly, the whole world their canvass? Survival is no longer an issue because they need only fly a short while to find their needs met and now their world is about giving. I wonder if they go back and mingle with their caterpillar friends or do they fly far far away with the other butterflies. I always seem to see them when I am feeling most down and they brighten up my days. So their life has changed. Their world has changed, or transformed rather.
All caterpillars who live long enough become butterflies at some point. As humans, I think it’s a little different and our evolution is a function of our choice. We have to choose to be butterflies or we at least have to decide that we no longer want to be caterpillars before things change…
This part of the blog is supposed to be happy and about blossoming and stuff, but it’s not always that way. I’m not going to lie, life as a butterfly is much different than life as a caterpillar. I think the greatest difference is that even in moments of sadness, you still realize that greater things exist. But I still have my moments.
Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown, maybe two. I worked a gig in entertainment land and ended up being partnered with a middle aged man who was very unhappy with his life. I have a tendency to be too empathetic, and I soaked up all of his feelings of despair and disappointment and desperation, and I even got a bit of bitterness too. By the end of the day, I was drained. Then, on the drive home, I started thinking about my life, and all of the people I have known. Even though I am quiet and shy, or maybe because I can be quiet and shy, people have a tendency to trust me with the deeper secrets of their lives. And so I thought about all of my relationships, past and present. I thought about the new life that is becoming me, and I felt guilty about leaving some people behind, people I was close to, people I loved, and people who loved me. I mean, I didn’t leave them behind, per say, but I left their lives. They didn’t want to fly with me or maybe they couldn’t fly even though they wanted to because they thought it was too hard or whatever the case was, they are still on the other side, and try as I may, I can not bring them to where I am and I can not stay where they are. Yet I feel compelled to hold on to these people who loved me before I even Loved myself, who shared the simple things in life with me, like food and kind words, these people who championed me even though they did not believe in their own flight. They are a part of me as well. I am a part of them. We are a part of each other, all of us.
So this is a new learning point for me. My new life calls me and I can’t hold on to the old and step into the new at the same time, yet I feel obliged to hold on to the past out of respect for what certain people have done for me in my life and how deeply we have connected… I imagine that anyone endeavoring to create a greater life will encounter these feelings of guilt and betrayal, and sometimes the loyalty is so strong that we will sacrifice the possibility of a better life because we don’t want the people from our past to feel like we are leaving them… But you can’t let a new love into your heart if you are trying to hold on to the promise that you made to your ex that you will always put them first. You can’t fly into new territory if you are stuck on keeping that commitment to your best friend (mother, mate, sibling) that you both will always do everything together and your person doesn’t want to fly… Solution? I’m still working on it, but I think there is a way to honor your past and move forward with grace. Let people know how much they meant to you and why you are taking the actions you are taking. God will give you the words, and the ones who Love you will understand…
Day 78
Honor Your Past
It’s the afternoon time and I just got done doing some introspective work. Feeling really calm and confident. So much happens so quickly these days it’s hard for me to keep up.
Last night, I went to a movie premiere with a friend and then I went dancing alone. Both events were great. I had so much fun being around people and I was open and brave. When I went dancing at the club, I was scared at first, being by myself. I sat down and these two girls started talking to me. In this big city, I’m not always able to distinguish between when a female is trying to be friendly or flirty, so I decided to err on the side of caution, and I wasn’t too friendly with them. I sat alone for about an hour just wanting and wanting to dance, hoping some guy would ask me, but they were all just looking at me and then looking away. Finally (and I had to psyche myself up for this), I stood up and started to dance. I was nervous and stiff and self-conscious at first, so then I just closed my eyes and imagined I was dancing in my room alone until I could feel the music. When I opened my eyes, there were two guys standing in front of me dancing with me.
The rest of the night was a dance party and I had such a good time! I was open and friendly. At one point, this one guy tried to do too much and get a little too close and that upset me a bit… I am recognizing that you can do both. I used to either be an untouchable ice princess or a vulnerable victim that always got taken advantage of, but you can give your all, be open, and still honor and respect your boundaries.
Yeah. This is cool. I can still be open and be safe. People see you when you walk in a room. Just like little kids, we know who we can play with and who we have to take seriously. We know who might hurt us and who we can trust. It’s in very simple things like a person’s posture and the look in their eyes. It’s in a tone of voice and a mindless gesture… We know, but we forget. And we start thinking that who a person is has to do with their age or gender or race…
Last night, I made a conscious effort to give my all, to dance my heart out and be open to give and receive blessings with everyone I danced with, and it was amazing. This week (per one of my teacher’s suggestions) I have made a conscious commitment to give something to someone every day, without expecting anything back, no matter how small, and it is such a wonderful feeling… You don’t really get anything. Well maybe you do. We’ll see. The best thing about giving is that you feel alive, and you don’t feel like you cheated yourself or anyone else.
God, I sent prayers to you without words, and You heard them. You have put such peace in my heart. You have given me my smile again and helped me to remember who I am. You are teaching me the ways of right-use-ness and I am discovering wisdom and power within me. I am learning about the gift of forgiveness and I am becoming a person I like to be. I am so honored and grateful that I am learning to choose what to give and when to give and who to give it to. There is a place for it all… There is a place for it all and I am so excited that I can finally share… Ameen.
Day 77
Give (Your All)
Today has been an interesting day… I haven’t felt this way in a while, but I know the feeling well. A funny kind of anxiety creeping up in me, almost like fear but mixed up with some sadness… The weather is changing. Today was my last day of work at my seasonal job and I’ll be doing other things next year…
I was feeling a little desperate today, wanting to escape. I don’t even know what I was wanting to escape from. There is no where to run anymore. Momma can’t save me and the men aren’t trying to be knights in shining armor anymore, and I’m not quite sure what I need saving from anyway… As an ex-boyfriend once told me long ago, “Wherever you go, there you are”. Ha ha. I can’t escape myself anymore…
Sis is leaving for the holidays, so I will be in the big city alone. I have a very long “to-do” list to keep me company, but suddenly I’m not so excited about it anymore. I want to go dancing and fall in love and do the exciting things in life. Life and Love are calling me but I can’t see their faces and it scares me that I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’m not sure about what steps to take: basic things like should I hang out with such and such person or wash my clothes? Should I try and make some new friends or just focus 100 percent on my writing stuff? Should I date even though there are still hints of Dream Lover’s seductive words lingering on my heart??? So many little decisions. They make up a life…
I know this much. I can’t stay on the bed (even though I tried today). It just doesn’t do it for me anymore. My stable, routine life has ended it’s season for now and this part is up to me. Ugh. How daunting. I’m a little girl all over again afraid that no one will want to be my friend and the boys I like won’t like me. At least I’m not afraid that they won’t like my writing. That’s one good thing I can move on. And I’m grown-up enough to know that even if I’m afraid I can still do things and after I do them I won’t be so scared. That’s another good thing. And I also know that I have this magic blog that helps me sort out my thoughts and I have my prayers and meditations and physical motion that helps make things clear and easy for me, so I’ll seek comfort in those.
God, I’d like to learn how to step into change gracefully instead of being afraid and sad. I am willing to have it all. Yes. I am willing to be it all and give it all. You have given me the tools. You have sent angels and gifts and you have opened up such a magnificent well in me and I am forever humbled and grateful. I know, it’s not about me. I know, it’s not just for me. It’s for Us. I know it’s my work, to be one of those people, one of Your people. I mean, we are all Your people, but we don’t always know it…
So, yes. Again. Yes to this different life that is here already. Yes to easy transitions that don’t involve mental breakdowns and stagnation. Yes to truly loving relationships. Oh, they are already here! Thank you, Lord. Yes to the smile behind my eyes. Yes to my giving hands. Yes to genuine exchange with other human beings. Yes to beautiful, wonderful, peaceful, uplifting change.
Day 76
Embrace Change
Dear Me,
This week has been pretty busy. Sorry I haven’t made much time to be still and reflect. It makes so much of a difference. It brings back the magic and keeps away the boredom. This morning has been fantastic so far, sitting with you and seeing what’s going on inside. I am proud of you. So proud of you. I can say that because I am you. It’s not bragging. It’s accepting.
This is your new thing now. Accepting. It is the new thing moving forward, because you have already done enough releasing to create space for other things. You, my dear, have already done more work than you are aware of, and this is a good thing.
Now the man thing. It bothers you, I know. Practice patience. No need to fill the silence with fluff anymore. Fluff doesn’t last. Desperation is no longer a part of your vocabulary and honor and integrity are becoming your life. So in that spirit, I say, be patient. Control the things that you can control and leave the rest to Me. You can make sure that your heart stays open and clean. You can take care of your body and your home so that you feel comfortable opening it and sharing it with another. You can choose to cultivate life-enhancing relationships and remove yourself from those that bring you down. You can take actions to enhance your career and the flow of resources in your life. You can sit and talk to Me and choose to accept My guidance. These things you can do. Have faith. He is on his way.
We don’t need to tell the world of the many blessings that have already come. They are for you. They are your blessings. Others have their own blessings. What you can do now is be a blessing. Be a blessing. That is the next thing. You are strong enough now. You are happy enough now. You are wise enough now. You are powerful enough now, and you know Me.
Don’t waste time on small things. Small, almost loves. Tiny endeavors of survival. Now, handle your business, but trust me to buoy you up to the place where you are no longer worried about survival, about loneliness. There was a time for that in your life, but it is no longer now…
My Dear, dear, You, open your arms wide because there is much coming your way, and much will be asked of you. You, timid, shy, awkward, stubborn, beautiful, Loving woman. Yes, you. Welcome to your life.
Day 75
Welcome to Your Life
I just wrote a whole 298 words going in one direction, but then I got a phone call and my mood has changed, so this is the second blog of the day…
Going deep within. Eyes closed. Somewhere in the midst of my efforts, happiness found me and it is taking over my life. Thankful. Strong. Powerful. Power is no longer a bad word. I’m becoming friends with humility. Being nice again. Being Loving again. I get to be nice again. Nobody told me. I get to be myself again, that little girl who liked to plan parties, that shy sweetheart that wrote poems in her journal, she has become brave. I am becoming myself, exploring all of me, not in the reckless, frivolous big-city kind of way, but in a gentle way, like a mother is with her child, knowing how to keep my heart safe, considering how I would like to grow and nurturing opportunities to blossom.
This is good times, God. You say the bad times are over and I say Yes, OK. I’ll take that with a glass of green juice, please. “Now that you have been through the fire”, You say, “It is your time to lead others through the fire as well. Don’t worry. I know you are still afraid of too much responsibility. I will send you those to help lead you, too, and assist on your path. You are finally open to my help.” I am overwhelmed with gratitude, God, to know that you are on my side.
The other day I went to a Thanksgiving event and I stood in front of a large group of people and gave a talk about what I was thankful for. When I came back to my seat, and throughout the event, people stopped me to thank me for what I said. I felt so glad that I had stood up and spoke. I was that woman. I was that woman that I’ve always dreamed to be: I was me! Strong, kind, beautiful, powerful and humble. God, I am stepping into my own shoes and it feels really really good.
So what do I have for them today, God? What do I have for you? (Excuse my tense and person shifts. I am writing to myself, God, and the reader and putting on paper the insights I receive as I write)… Just be yourself. Easier said than done, but easier done than you think. It can get messy, figuring out exactly who that self is, it can be scary if you have been living a lie and you have to come out of the closet with people who have gotten close to you based on a completely false identity, but it is liberating. It’s OK. People won’t like you. They probably don’t like themselves either, so why would they like you? They will talk about you while you are on your journey and then they will ask for help and advice once you’ve crossed over. Don’t take it personal. They are just being themselves and you don’t have to surround yourself with them.
I’m in love today, with no one in particular. I am in Love with life. Ashe Ashe.
Day 74
Be Yourself
Anxiety, excitement and anticipation are cousins. I am glad that I’m not too sad today. Just a little bit. A little remnant of stuff, like when you break a glass and clean up the mess and there are only slight little slivers left on the ground.
My apartment is bright and sunny. I rested well last night. My stomach doesn’t hurt today. Coming back into integrity with myself, like a chiropractic adjustment. Life seems new again. Isn’t that a trip? Life is always new again, every day. So, in this chapter, this blossoming chapter, this new thing before a new book, before I become whoever it is that I am going to be after this, I’d like to take my time to cherish my growth and pay attention to the unfoldment that is taking place…
I would like to revel in the sun for a moment and give thanks to the Creator for the creation of the sun, for this thing called life with all of its ups and downs. I forgive him now. You know, I thought I wanted to teach him a lesson, hold on to my anger so that I can shake him around and tell him what a mess he’s making, show up at his house and cuss him out, but it’s not my place. People have their own paths to take. It would be great if one day they said “I’m sorry” and if they learned something or became better or if we got reparations in some form or fashion for the wrongs that have been done to us, and sometimes that happens. But sometimes it doesn’t.
I have been in the ocean waiting for a hand to save me, so heavy with the weight of so much pain, so many debts owed to me. Such a victim I have been. But if I can let go of all of that, just let it go, relieve them of their debt of “I’m sorry”, relieve myself of the weight that all of that owingness has put on me, I will find that I can float. I have my own breath. I can swim. I have my own hands. And with my feet, I can get out of the ocean and build boats. The miracle is already here. We are the miracles. We are the saviors we have been waiting for.
I am thankful because I realize that I don’t have to hate Dream Lover or anyone, not even myself. I can just let things be what they are. I am thankful because I don’t think I will be depressed for any significant period of time ever again in my life. I am thankful because, just like that, my heart has opened wider when I thought that it would become closed. I am thankful for your protection, Lord. I don’t have to trick myself or program my mind with affirmations. I know in this instant that everything is good. I don’t have to wonder if he will ever come back as a changed man or where I will end up. I know that as I set my intention, so shall my life become.
Dear Lord, you have broken my heart alive today and you have reminded me of the Love so precious that lives in me. This disappointment is a small thing compared to the compassion within me. I can be nice again! I can laugh again! I can smile and be productive and give my gifts again! How is it hat I feel so safe, God, when I should be heartbroken? You say don’t ask, just let it be. Just let it be…
Day 73
Let It Be
I’m single again. I mean single, single. I haven’t been this single since I was ten years old, and I might have even been a little more involved then. At least I used to fantasize about growing up and marrying one of the pop singers of the time…
I’m off today and wanted to do something different, so I’m sitting in Starbucks and wanted to do some work from here, but my stomach is really, really cramping and there’s an old man with shades and a zoot suit who is sitting by me and he keeps staring at me and it seems like he might plan on being here all day (given his lunch box, the honey he brought from home, and his little duffle bag). It’s depressing, so I think I’ll change locations after I write this blog.
I had a very eventful weekend. A popular singer gave a concert at my spiritual center and I got to see her up close and personal. She was refreshingly talented, simple, and beautiful. I didn’t give her my song, though. I just didn’t do it. Another day. Another way… I cussed out Dream Lover. Well actually I texted him out, since he didn’t answer my ten phone calls. Pathetic, I know. It took me this long to realize that he has absolutely no interest in being there for me, honoring me, treating me with any kind of compassion or kindness, being considerate of me, opening himself up or sharing his life with me, making me important to him, or protecting or supporting me. In fact, I don’t even think he likes me. Well, maybe he does ‘cus he just can’t help himself, but he tries not to like me nonetheless… So, I sent him some text messages telling him exactly what I thought about him, since he wouldn’t answer my phone calls even though he was supposed to call me a week ago to plan our out of country trip. Sorry for lamenting. I just need to vent a bit… He’s done this kind of thing before… I sent him a text message telling him how horrible he is and I added some curse words just so he wouldn’t be tempted to call me and put his word spell on me again.
Then I cried. Not on the outside, but on the inside. Because this is goodbye for real. I felt him leave my heart. He just fell off, like an extra layer of skin that falls off after a scab heals. I don’t even know where he went, but I know he’s gone, and it feels a little empty. He had become a familiar presence in my consciousness. Then this morning, one of my exes told me in so many ways that he was moving on with his life. I mean, I had no intentions of being his woman again, but I had become used to him flirting with me and wanting me. It’s good that he’s moving on, but he was the last one standing. My hot young thang is ignoring me even though he spies on me on Facebook all the time, and I had already had closure with all my other exes…
So this morning as a soft jazz tune about love plays in this corner coffee shop, I am feeling loveless. Something went wrong a long time ago. Seriously. I haven’t had a love to last in a long, long time. I can blame the guys. They weren’t this, that or the other. They cheated or weren’t forthright. They didn’t do what they said they would do or they weren’t there for me after opening their big fat mouths and speaking words of Love and commitment. Sure, they did all that. But I have to take a good look at myself… I let them do the things they did. Over and over again. I gave my heart to people whose homes I had never even seen, whose parents I had never met. I put myself at risk with men I didn’t trust, and I believed in the fairytales that they had about themselves for no other reason than this: I wanted to be Loved. I wanted so badly to have a person, to be a part of a thing, that nothing else mattered… And it’s OK. I forgive myself. Just keeping it real. You can call me whatever you want or judge me if it makes you feel better about yourself. It’s all right. These things happen.
We don’t always realize what we are doing to ourselves, how we are creating our own hell. The blessing comes when you can open your eyes and finally see clearly what you have been doing. And for this I am thankful. It’s scary. I’m not going to lie. It’s scary to let go of a thing, of a connection, when you don’t know when or where or if you will ever feel close to someone again, especially if you are a loving person like me… I have often run into random people who call themselves psychics, mystics, seers, etc, who want to tell me about my life. I remember a long time ago, I ran into this man. He told me that I was going to help a lot of people, and he told me that I was going to have to go through a lot of pain so that I would be able to understand the people I was trying to help and reach them and talk to them… I’m thinking about what he said, and right now, I feel fully qualified! I don’t need anymore training. I have had enough heartbreak and pain to last a lifetime and I can talk to them now. I can help.
And what I have to say is something Tracy Chapman said a long time ago. Be careful. Be careful with your heart, especially you big, beautiful, sensitive beings. It’s all you’ve got. You’re going to need it for your children. You’re going to need it for your life’s work. You’re going to need it to keep from going crazy, and you have to keep it well if you don’t want to cry every day or drink everyday or play X-Box and watch TV until you are numb. You need your heart, so cherish it. Stand up for it, protect it, nurture it, open it to the ones who intend to keep it safe and let it live. And be careful with the hearts of others. We can stop the cycles of pain upon pain upon pain. We can Love each other. There are so many people who just want to love each other. The minute you decide that you want to Love yourself, you will find them. I know this. You will run into others who are also careful…
So, although I feel a little sad, I am thankful to be reminded that “I is kind, I is smart, and I is important”. I am thankful to be able to see that I have created war in my life for long enough. I am thankful to know that I can change and it’s not going to be that hard. I am thankful to still have Love in my heart.
Ameen.
Day 72
Careful With Your Heart
That Rihanna/ Niki Manaj song is on the mind. “Get ready for it. I came to win…”
Woke up so lovely today. Life is a beautiful thing. I’m not quite sure if I am delusional or disillusioned. I used to get the words mixed up, one meaning not having a strong hold on reality and the other meaning knowing that your ideals may not come true…I’m both right now.
So, I haven’t found a way to sponsor my trip out of the country without going broke yet. I’m still going to put forth the effort that I can and leave the rest to God. God always comes through. My life bears witness to this. I’m surprised that in all these posts I have not talked about trust. It can be a hard, confusing word, evoking feelings of anger and resistance just at its mention. Trust. Someone has hurt you or betrayed you in the past. Someone has not been there for you when you thought you needed them. You might have tried very hard and failed at some task. I know I have. And so you decided that you won’t do that anymore. You won’t let someone hurt you or betray you. You won’t give anyone a chance to let you down because you’re going to do it all by yourself. You will not open yourself to the possibility of failing, because you won’t really try to do anything that really matters… I know the feeling. It’s deep. These disappointments can be so deep. How can I sit here and say “trust” when the risk is so great?
Maybe that’s why I’ve never said it before, because my own heart and mind weren’t ready to take that leap. Now it seems I have no choice if I am to move forward. I am sitting here this morning realizing that there is no where else to run. I could always go back home to momma and live that life, but it’s not for me. And I’m not interested in running off with some man either or finding some aversion to keep from thinking. It’s a big responsibility (that’s one of my other trigger words, next to commitment and trust). To know that you and only you are responsible for creating the life you want to live is a big deal. You can’t blame your family or your significant others. The quality of my life is all up to me. The way I respond to situations is all up to me. My peace of mind, my happiness, even the amount of Love I experience, is all up to me. That’s a lot to take on, but it’s OK. I can do it. I am so willing to change, more than anything in this world.
In that spirit, I have to trust, and there are only two entities to Trust, myself and The One Who Created Me. Not to say that I can’t trust other human beings, but this is what I am learning. Trust people to be who they are, and if they don’t know who they are, trust that they will be confused and act accordingly. You don’t have to trust everyone with everything. I trust that my mom will always answer my phone calls and be there for me in any way possible if she can. That’s who she is. I don’t trust that she will encourage all of my spiritual explorations. It’s OK. Some people will look at your number on the phone and not answer, but when they do, they will always be open and expressive. You can trust that. Every now and then, you might meet someone who has decided that they will be careful with your heart. They have made that decision and that intention and you know that you can trust that no matter what happens, they will consider your feelings.
Some people are very giving with their money and some people are funny. So don’t trust someone who is funny with their money to bail you out or help you financially, even if they do have the funds. That’s not who they are. They may be the one that you can trust with your secrets. Likewise, the one who helps you out with the cash may be the biggest gossiper in town, so don’t tell them your secrets. This may sound like common sense, but I’m just learning it. Trust people in the ways that they have shown themselves trustworthy. That is the way to protect your heart. That is the way to not be disappointed. Give your heart to someone who has the capacity, maturity, and intention to take care of it. Do business with people who are business savvy or at least persistent, smart, strong, and disciplined enough to learn. Choose friends who care about you and do your part on the other end… This is how you build a life you like to be a part of. This is how I learn to trust again… Hmm…
And when it comes to moving forward, for me, the only way to move forward on these things that seem so big and so intimidating, I am learning, is to trust that God is for me and not against me. I have to believe, otherwise I will never get anything done. I have to trust that just as these ambitions and dreams have been placed in my head, there is a way to accomplish them. This trust thing is new to me, so I’m going to practice until it becomes engrained in my subconscious.
Today I’m going to do a task that I have been procrastinating on for a long time, actually two tasks. I’m going to type up an email and push “send” on a writing submission which may very well change my life forever, and I’m going to walk up to a very prominent singer, hand her a card, and ask her if she will sing a song that I wrote for her. My mind is screaming out in resistance. Resistance to change, resistance to good, resistance to bad. I’m handing this off to you, God. This thing horrifies me more than anything else. You are the Maker, the Creator, and the Disposer of Affairs. You know what is In Front and Behind in this thing we call time. I am willing to change. In fact I am choosing to change and transform my life in a profound way. This day I choose to Trust you. You have been there for me in spite of my own self-sabotaging actions. You have blessed me with Love even though I have not always given it. You have provided for me in ways that I never could have dreamed of. You have taken me out of such a dark, dark place and helped me to be a nice person again. And you did all of this even though I did not trust you and I did not believe that life could be good. You have been on the outside all of this time trying to show me that You are there for me. I choose to see you now. I choose to trust you now. Thank you so, so much.
Ameen.
Day 71
Trust
I’m back in the big city. Another world. Another planet, it seems. Wooden floors, ambition, constant go…
Home was different. Loved, loved, loved being with my brothers and sisters again. Mom is different… Changed from her experience. Not quite sure where she’s gonna’ land once the dust settles…
So many different lives we live. I’m over here so focused on these different ambitions. That’s what keeps me getting off the bed every day. Other people have dreams of Heaven. Parents keep it moving so they can care for their kids. Lovers inspire each other to want to live more…
Dream Lover is on my mind. I thought he was “the one”. But he’s not. Isn’t a trip? How you can think a thing is a thing and then find out it’s not what you thought? I wanted to be right this time. I wanted to say, “Yes, I made a good choice. I have a good Love. My heart is finally safe somewhere…” But it didn’t happen. I’m thinking of the song, “This time we got a good love. This time we got something special. This time we gonna’ do it, do it, put our minds to it, ’till we get it right”. I wanted to be able to sing that song with someone who was ready to sing it with me, but it didn’t happen. It just didn’t happen. Mind boggling…
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a dead person, but when my father died, I remember looking at his body and thinking, “How could he be dead? I mean, how is he dead when his body is right here? How is that possible?” I was in shock, but not really. It just didn’t make sense to my brain. One minute he was alive and then he was dead. Like now. It just doesn’t make much sense that I won’t be with Dream Lover when I wanted to be with him so much. I can’t understand how it is possible for this kind of thing to happen, but it happens every day. I was wrong.
I need to say that again so I can believe it. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. I have been wrong about others before, and it’s not their fault. I’m not even mad at them. But I’m sad, Lord. I’m tired of being wrong. And I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want to be crying on the bed and not doing the work that I am to do, but it’s hard to smile when your heart is breaking, Lord. It’s hard to blossom when you feel so disappointed.
Do It Anyway, You say. Ha. You’ve got all the answers… OK. I’m not doing the depressed thing anymore and I don’t want to be an ice queen, so I guess, considering the life I am trying to create, I don’t have many options. Do it any way. And about this Love thing? Don’t worry about it, You say. But I miss it. You say It is on its way. You say I can not see the millions of intentions of all the souls of the world tonight. Somewhere, someone is praying my prayer tonight. Someone is setting his intention in the same direction as me. The magic is happening under ground even as I write these words. So keep doing what I am doing. He is fabulous and strong and kind and compassionate… He exists. Love exists. Do you not see your dear friend who spoke to you so kindly today? Love exists. Don’t you worry about him… Yes, you have all these dreams and ambitions. Others want to pray all day and stay away from all the busyness of the world, and still others simply want to sit and watch. Some want to talk about Love from the outside and some want to give it all for Love. It’s all OK. You all have your parts you play.
Look around you. This inspiration you have is not a product of your environment. This is your part. This is a part of who you are, should you so choose it to be. You have already chosen to be who you are, and I have blessed you with the strength, wisdom, and determination to actualize that choice. Now do your part. I am with You. Your time is now…
OK God. I’m listening…
Day 69
Do Your Part
