I just wrote a whole 298 words going in one direction, but then I got a phone call and my mood has changed, so this is the second blog of the day…
Going deep within. Eyes closed. Somewhere in the midst of my efforts, happiness found me and it is taking over my life. Thankful. Strong. Powerful. Power is no longer a bad word. I’m becoming friends with humility. Being nice again. Being Loving again. I get to be nice again. Nobody told me. I get to be myself again, that little girl who liked to plan parties, that shy sweetheart that wrote poems in her journal, she has become brave. I am becoming myself, exploring all of me, not in the reckless, frivolous big-city kind of way, but in a gentle way, like a mother is with her child, knowing how to keep my heart safe, considering how I would like to grow and nurturing opportunities to blossom.
This is good times, God. You say the bad times are over and I say Yes, OK. I’ll take that with a glass of green juice, please. “Now that you have been through the fire”, You say, “It is your time to lead others through the fire as well. Don’t worry. I know you are still afraid of too much responsibility. I will send you those to help lead you, too, and assist on your path. You are finally open to my help.” I am overwhelmed with gratitude, God, to know that you are on my side.
The other day I went to a Thanksgiving event and I stood in front of a large group of people and gave a talk about what I was thankful for. When I came back to my seat, and throughout the event, people stopped me to thank me for what I said. I felt so glad that I had stood up and spoke. I was that woman. I was that woman that I’ve always dreamed to be: I was me! Strong, kind, beautiful, powerful and humble. God, I am stepping into my own shoes and it feels really really good.
So what do I have for them today, God? What do I have for you? (Excuse my tense and person shifts. I am writing to myself, God, and the reader and putting on paper the insights I receive as I write)… Just be yourself. Easier said than done, but easier done than you think. It can get messy, figuring out exactly who that self is, it can be scary if you have been living a lie and you have to come out of the closet with people who have gotten close to you based on a completely false identity, but it is liberating. It’s OK. People won’t like you. They probably don’t like themselves either, so why would they like you? They will talk about you while you are on your journey and then they will ask for help and advice once you’ve crossed over. Don’t take it personal. They are just being themselves and you don’t have to surround yourself with them.
I’m in love today, with no one in particular. I am in Love with life. Ashe Ashe.
Day 74
Be Yourself
Anxiety, excitement and anticipation are cousins. I am glad that I’m not too sad today. Just a little bit. A little remnant of stuff, like when you break a glass and clean up the mess and there are only slight little slivers left on the ground.
My apartment is bright and sunny. I rested well last night. My stomach doesn’t hurt today. Coming back into integrity with myself, like a chiropractic adjustment. Life seems new again. Isn’t that a trip? Life is always new again, every day. So, in this chapter, this blossoming chapter, this new thing before a new book, before I become whoever it is that I am going to be after this, I’d like to take my time to cherish my growth and pay attention to the unfoldment that is taking place…
I would like to revel in the sun for a moment and give thanks to the Creator for the creation of the sun, for this thing called life with all of its ups and downs. I forgive him now. You know, I thought I wanted to teach him a lesson, hold on to my anger so that I can shake him around and tell him what a mess he’s making, show up at his house and cuss him out, but it’s not my place. People have their own paths to take. It would be great if one day they said “I’m sorry” and if they learned something or became better or if we got reparations in some form or fashion for the wrongs that have been done to us, and sometimes that happens. But sometimes it doesn’t.
I have been in the ocean waiting for a hand to save me, so heavy with the weight of so much pain, so many debts owed to me. Such a victim I have been. But if I can let go of all of that, just let it go, relieve them of their debt of “I’m sorry”, relieve myself of the weight that all of that owingness has put on me, I will find that I can float. I have my own breath. I can swim. I have my own hands. And with my feet, I can get out of the ocean and build boats. The miracle is already here. We are the miracles. We are the saviors we have been waiting for.
I am thankful because I realize that I don’t have to hate Dream Lover or anyone, not even myself. I can just let things be what they are. I am thankful because I don’t think I will be depressed for any significant period of time ever again in my life. I am thankful because, just like that, my heart has opened wider when I thought that it would become closed. I am thankful for your protection, Lord. I don’t have to trick myself or program my mind with affirmations. I know in this instant that everything is good. I don’t have to wonder if he will ever come back as a changed man or where I will end up. I know that as I set my intention, so shall my life become.
Dear Lord, you have broken my heart alive today and you have reminded me of the Love so precious that lives in me. This disappointment is a small thing compared to the compassion within me. I can be nice again! I can laugh again! I can smile and be productive and give my gifts again! How is it hat I feel so safe, God, when I should be heartbroken? You say don’t ask, just let it be. Just let it be…
Day 73
Let It Be
I’m single again. I mean single, single. I haven’t been this single since I was ten years old, and I might have even been a little more involved then. At least I used to fantasize about growing up and marrying one of the pop singers of the time…
I’m off today and wanted to do something different, so I’m sitting in Starbucks and wanted to do some work from here, but my stomach is really, really cramping and there’s an old man with shades and a zoot suit who is sitting by me and he keeps staring at me and it seems like he might plan on being here all day (given his lunch box, the honey he brought from home, and his little duffle bag). It’s depressing, so I think I’ll change locations after I write this blog.
I had a very eventful weekend. A popular singer gave a concert at my spiritual center and I got to see her up close and personal. She was refreshingly talented, simple, and beautiful. I didn’t give her my song, though. I just didn’t do it. Another day. Another way… I cussed out Dream Lover. Well actually I texted him out, since he didn’t answer my ten phone calls. Pathetic, I know. It took me this long to realize that he has absolutely no interest in being there for me, honoring me, treating me with any kind of compassion or kindness, being considerate of me, opening himself up or sharing his life with me, making me important to him, or protecting or supporting me. In fact, I don’t even think he likes me. Well, maybe he does ‘cus he just can’t help himself, but he tries not to like me nonetheless… So, I sent him some text messages telling him exactly what I thought about him, since he wouldn’t answer my phone calls even though he was supposed to call me a week ago to plan our out of country trip. Sorry for lamenting. I just need to vent a bit… He’s done this kind of thing before… I sent him a text message telling him how horrible he is and I added some curse words just so he wouldn’t be tempted to call me and put his word spell on me again.
Then I cried. Not on the outside, but on the inside. Because this is goodbye for real. I felt him leave my heart. He just fell off, like an extra layer of skin that falls off after a scab heals. I don’t even know where he went, but I know he’s gone, and it feels a little empty. He had become a familiar presence in my consciousness. Then this morning, one of my exes told me in so many ways that he was moving on with his life. I mean, I had no intentions of being his woman again, but I had become used to him flirting with me and wanting me. It’s good that he’s moving on, but he was the last one standing. My hot young thang is ignoring me even though he spies on me on Facebook all the time, and I had already had closure with all my other exes…
So this morning as a soft jazz tune about love plays in this corner coffee shop, I am feeling loveless. Something went wrong a long time ago. Seriously. I haven’t had a love to last in a long, long time. I can blame the guys. They weren’t this, that or the other. They cheated or weren’t forthright. They didn’t do what they said they would do or they weren’t there for me after opening their big fat mouths and speaking words of Love and commitment. Sure, they did all that. But I have to take a good look at myself… I let them do the things they did. Over and over again. I gave my heart to people whose homes I had never even seen, whose parents I had never met. I put myself at risk with men I didn’t trust, and I believed in the fairytales that they had about themselves for no other reason than this: I wanted to be Loved. I wanted so badly to have a person, to be a part of a thing, that nothing else mattered… And it’s OK. I forgive myself. Just keeping it real. You can call me whatever you want or judge me if it makes you feel better about yourself. It’s all right. These things happen.
We don’t always realize what we are doing to ourselves, how we are creating our own hell. The blessing comes when you can open your eyes and finally see clearly what you have been doing. And for this I am thankful. It’s scary. I’m not going to lie. It’s scary to let go of a thing, of a connection, when you don’t know when or where or if you will ever feel close to someone again, especially if you are a loving person like me… I have often run into random people who call themselves psychics, mystics, seers, etc, who want to tell me about my life. I remember a long time ago, I ran into this man. He told me that I was going to help a lot of people, and he told me that I was going to have to go through a lot of pain so that I would be able to understand the people I was trying to help and reach them and talk to them… I’m thinking about what he said, and right now, I feel fully qualified! I don’t need anymore training. I have had enough heartbreak and pain to last a lifetime and I can talk to them now. I can help.
And what I have to say is something Tracy Chapman said a long time ago. Be careful. Be careful with your heart, especially you big, beautiful, sensitive beings. It’s all you’ve got. You’re going to need it for your children. You’re going to need it for your life’s work. You’re going to need it to keep from going crazy, and you have to keep it well if you don’t want to cry every day or drink everyday or play X-Box and watch TV until you are numb. You need your heart, so cherish it. Stand up for it, protect it, nurture it, open it to the ones who intend to keep it safe and let it live. And be careful with the hearts of others. We can stop the cycles of pain upon pain upon pain. We can Love each other. There are so many people who just want to love each other. The minute you decide that you want to Love yourself, you will find them. I know this. You will run into others who are also careful…
So, although I feel a little sad, I am thankful to be reminded that “I is kind, I is smart, and I is important”. I am thankful to be able to see that I have created war in my life for long enough. I am thankful to know that I can change and it’s not going to be that hard. I am thankful to still have Love in my heart.
Ameen.
Day 72
Careful With Your Heart
That Rihanna/ Niki Manaj song is on the mind. “Get ready for it. I came to win…”
Woke up so lovely today. Life is a beautiful thing. I’m not quite sure if I am delusional or disillusioned. I used to get the words mixed up, one meaning not having a strong hold on reality and the other meaning knowing that your ideals may not come true…I’m both right now.
So, I haven’t found a way to sponsor my trip out of the country without going broke yet. I’m still going to put forth the effort that I can and leave the rest to God. God always comes through. My life bears witness to this. I’m surprised that in all these posts I have not talked about trust. It can be a hard, confusing word, evoking feelings of anger and resistance just at its mention. Trust. Someone has hurt you or betrayed you in the past. Someone has not been there for you when you thought you needed them. You might have tried very hard and failed at some task. I know I have. And so you decided that you won’t do that anymore. You won’t let someone hurt you or betray you. You won’t give anyone a chance to let you down because you’re going to do it all by yourself. You will not open yourself to the possibility of failing, because you won’t really try to do anything that really matters… I know the feeling. It’s deep. These disappointments can be so deep. How can I sit here and say “trust” when the risk is so great?
Maybe that’s why I’ve never said it before, because my own heart and mind weren’t ready to take that leap. Now it seems I have no choice if I am to move forward. I am sitting here this morning realizing that there is no where else to run. I could always go back home to momma and live that life, but it’s not for me. And I’m not interested in running off with some man either or finding some aversion to keep from thinking. It’s a big responsibility (that’s one of my other trigger words, next to commitment and trust). To know that you and only you are responsible for creating the life you want to live is a big deal. You can’t blame your family or your significant others. The quality of my life is all up to me. The way I respond to situations is all up to me. My peace of mind, my happiness, even the amount of Love I experience, is all up to me. That’s a lot to take on, but it’s OK. I can do it. I am so willing to change, more than anything in this world.
In that spirit, I have to trust, and there are only two entities to Trust, myself and The One Who Created Me. Not to say that I can’t trust other human beings, but this is what I am learning. Trust people to be who they are, and if they don’t know who they are, trust that they will be confused and act accordingly. You don’t have to trust everyone with everything. I trust that my mom will always answer my phone calls and be there for me in any way possible if she can. That’s who she is. I don’t trust that she will encourage all of my spiritual explorations. It’s OK. Some people will look at your number on the phone and not answer, but when they do, they will always be open and expressive. You can trust that. Every now and then, you might meet someone who has decided that they will be careful with your heart. They have made that decision and that intention and you know that you can trust that no matter what happens, they will consider your feelings.
Some people are very giving with their money and some people are funny. So don’t trust someone who is funny with their money to bail you out or help you financially, even if they do have the funds. That’s not who they are. They may be the one that you can trust with your secrets. Likewise, the one who helps you out with the cash may be the biggest gossiper in town, so don’t tell them your secrets. This may sound like common sense, but I’m just learning it. Trust people in the ways that they have shown themselves trustworthy. That is the way to protect your heart. That is the way to not be disappointed. Give your heart to someone who has the capacity, maturity, and intention to take care of it. Do business with people who are business savvy or at least persistent, smart, strong, and disciplined enough to learn. Choose friends who care about you and do your part on the other end… This is how you build a life you like to be a part of. This is how I learn to trust again… Hmm…
And when it comes to moving forward, for me, the only way to move forward on these things that seem so big and so intimidating, I am learning, is to trust that God is for me and not against me. I have to believe, otherwise I will never get anything done. I have to trust that just as these ambitions and dreams have been placed in my head, there is a way to accomplish them. This trust thing is new to me, so I’m going to practice until it becomes engrained in my subconscious.
Today I’m going to do a task that I have been procrastinating on for a long time, actually two tasks. I’m going to type up an email and push “send” on a writing submission which may very well change my life forever, and I’m going to walk up to a very prominent singer, hand her a card, and ask her if she will sing a song that I wrote for her. My mind is screaming out in resistance. Resistance to change, resistance to good, resistance to bad. I’m handing this off to you, God. This thing horrifies me more than anything else. You are the Maker, the Creator, and the Disposer of Affairs. You know what is In Front and Behind in this thing we call time. I am willing to change. In fact I am choosing to change and transform my life in a profound way. This day I choose to Trust you. You have been there for me in spite of my own self-sabotaging actions. You have blessed me with Love even though I have not always given it. You have provided for me in ways that I never could have dreamed of. You have taken me out of such a dark, dark place and helped me to be a nice person again. And you did all of this even though I did not trust you and I did not believe that life could be good. You have been on the outside all of this time trying to show me that You are there for me. I choose to see you now. I choose to trust you now. Thank you so, so much.
Ameen.
Day 71
Trust
I’m back in the big city. Another world. Another planet, it seems. Wooden floors, ambition, constant go…
Home was different. Loved, loved, loved being with my brothers and sisters again. Mom is different… Changed from her experience. Not quite sure where she’s gonna’ land once the dust settles…
So many different lives we live. I’m over here so focused on these different ambitions. That’s what keeps me getting off the bed every day. Other people have dreams of Heaven. Parents keep it moving so they can care for their kids. Lovers inspire each other to want to live more…
Dream Lover is on my mind. I thought he was “the one”. But he’s not. Isn’t a trip? How you can think a thing is a thing and then find out it’s not what you thought? I wanted to be right this time. I wanted to say, “Yes, I made a good choice. I have a good Love. My heart is finally safe somewhere…” But it didn’t happen. I’m thinking of the song, “This time we got a good love. This time we got something special. This time we gonna’ do it, do it, put our minds to it, ’till we get it right”. I wanted to be able to sing that song with someone who was ready to sing it with me, but it didn’t happen. It just didn’t happen. Mind boggling…
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a dead person, but when my father died, I remember looking at his body and thinking, “How could he be dead? I mean, how is he dead when his body is right here? How is that possible?” I was in shock, but not really. It just didn’t make sense to my brain. One minute he was alive and then he was dead. Like now. It just doesn’t make much sense that I won’t be with Dream Lover when I wanted to be with him so much. I can’t understand how it is possible for this kind of thing to happen, but it happens every day. I was wrong.
I need to say that again so I can believe it. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. I have been wrong about others before, and it’s not their fault. I’m not even mad at them. But I’m sad, Lord. I’m tired of being wrong. And I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want to be crying on the bed and not doing the work that I am to do, but it’s hard to smile when your heart is breaking, Lord. It’s hard to blossom when you feel so disappointed.
Do It Anyway, You say. Ha. You’ve got all the answers… OK. I’m not doing the depressed thing anymore and I don’t want to be an ice queen, so I guess, considering the life I am trying to create, I don’t have many options. Do it any way. And about this Love thing? Don’t worry about it, You say. But I miss it. You say It is on its way. You say I can not see the millions of intentions of all the souls of the world tonight. Somewhere, someone is praying my prayer tonight. Someone is setting his intention in the same direction as me. The magic is happening under ground even as I write these words. So keep doing what I am doing. He is fabulous and strong and kind and compassionate… He exists. Love exists. Do you not see your dear friend who spoke to you so kindly today? Love exists. Don’t you worry about him… Yes, you have all these dreams and ambitions. Others want to pray all day and stay away from all the busyness of the world, and still others simply want to sit and watch. Some want to talk about Love from the outside and some want to give it all for Love. It’s all OK. You all have your parts you play.
Look around you. This inspiration you have is not a product of your environment. This is your part. This is a part of who you are, should you so choose it to be. You have already chosen to be who you are, and I have blessed you with the strength, wisdom, and determination to actualize that choice. Now do your part. I am with You. Your time is now…
OK God. I’m listening…
Day 69
Do Your Part
I got up early this morning, did some yoga, said my prayers, talked to family. I Love them.
I decided to keep it moving, in a different way. I’m not going to try and force Dream Lover out of my heart. It’s funny the way getting over people works. Trying to get over someone and force them out of my heart has never really worked for me. What has always worked is that one day I wake up in the morning and I realize that I didn’t think of my lost love the day before. I am able to see the relationship clearly, and after some evaluation, I come to see that the relationship is no longer the space for me.
So, I’m going out of the country. Final answer. I’m going to work really hard in the next couple of weeks so that I can finance myself during and after the trip. I’m going to find some work to do over seas that will move me towards establishing my international lifestyle. I’m also going to go full force with submitting for agents and production companies, so hopefully I will be overseas somewhere, check my voicemail or email, and find that when I come back to the States I will be finally working as a writer.
I’m in Love today. Not with Dream Lover, but with life. I’m deciding not to be sad about him, and not to be mad about him, just to let him go. This is it. There is a choice. I have a choice. I can choose to live a good life. The choice has to be made, otherwise you will be influenced by all of the lives of the many people around you. Many people have not made that choice. They have chosen subconsciously to have a life full of drama or, in the words of M. Beckwith, they have decided that life is hard and then you die.
Here’s the thing. Once you make a choice about something and you stick to it, other people have to get with your program or keep moving. Some things you can compromise with and sometimes people are willing to modify their behavior so that they can be around you. I work in the education system, and I am always amazed at how you can go into one teacher’s classroom and see several students just acting wild and crazy, and then you see those same students with another teacher and they are well behaved. It has nothing to do with the students. It has everything to do with the teachers and the standards they have set.
One teacher decides that certain behavior is unacceptable and she creates systems to reinforce her expectations. Another teacher either never makes a decision about what she is going to accept or she doesn’t follow through with actions.
So, I’m choosing a good life. Period. No exceptions, not even for Dream Lover. I’ve got some of it together already, but a good life also includes healthy relationships with people that I bring close to me. Healthy relationships have a foundation of integrity and good-will and are nurtured by honest communication. That is what I am creating. I am choosing financial freedom, which is achieved by making daily efforts to use my skills, knowledge and talent to find ways to increase my passive income… I can do this. We can do this.
We don’t have to keep doing the same things over and over and over again. We don’t have to remain stuck in a place. If someone leaves your life, you won’t die, I promise. If you change your job or lose it, you won’t starve. Very few people ever die of hunger. If you choose a good life even in the midst of despair and hopelessness, if you open yourself to the idea that there is a way where there seems to be no way, then the Universe responds to your intention.
Yeah, I can have a good life. I am actually having it. I choose a good life. I choose a good life. I choose a good life.
Thank you God. Ameen.
Day 68
Choose A Good Life
I’m in the South today. All the fams is getting together to be there for my mom when she comes back from her pilgrimage…
Completely different vibe all the way. Suburbs. Kids riding bikes. Trees and big clean streets with very few sidewalks and fewer homeless people. Not so much to do around here, except spend time with each other or watch TV. Everyone has a flat screen and even the ghetto housing is big and spacious. Good, fatty food places everywhere. Big portions. Everything is bigger here.
But it’s quiet. I like quiet, but it’s a different kind of quiet here. Settled. So much different than the busy, active, ambitious big city life. I’m not sure which one I like better…
Debating about whether to go out of the country soon or stay in my good old US of A. I think I’m going but I’ve got to work out the financials. Dream Lover called again. He says he wants to go with me, but I think he’s lying. Why is he always lying to me? Better yet, why do I continue to let him?
I’m supposed to be waiting for him to decide when “soon” is; when he is going to arrive in my city, when we are going to go to Africa, when we are going to get together. He disappears and then reappears, tells me everything I’ve ever dreamed of hearing, makes promises about “soon” and then never comes through. All the while I sit and wait and hope… I feel a bit stupid right now.
It happens, I guess. We get stuck on the promise of something. I guess wisdom is knowing when to act and when to sit still. I feel disempowered waiting for him. I feel stupid. I can’t tell anyone about our relationship because it sucks. I really don’t know what his issue is, but at the end of the day, no matter how you spin it, moving forward with me is just not the most important thing to him. Resentment developing. Distrust already planted deep. Don’t want these feelings. How about I do something different now? Leave him alone. Continue to live my life. Falling out of Love. Makes me sad a bit because I like being in Love, but I like being happy more than I like being in Love…
My ex fiance once sent me a horrible email in which he entitled it “Here’s to Moving Forward”. In the email, he put a picture of the engagement ring that he said he got for me and told me that he’s taking it back and moving forward…
Sometimes the people that you want to ride along with in life just aren’t ready to ride with you. You can sit still. Maybe it’s worth it. Sometimes sitting still kills you, though, and you have to move forward. I have to go now… Here’s to moving forward.
Day 67
Stop Waiting
This evening I went looking up folks on Facebook, and I found the page of the one guy that I wanted to be with who had ever rejected me. He used to be a real cocky unhappy something, and when I looked on his page, it seemed like his life had transformed. He looked all nice and happy and humble and he seemed to be living the kind of life that he had talked about creating years ago… I’m happy for him.
A long, long time ago ex invited me to meet up for dinner with him tonight. I didn’t go. I heard his tone under the words he spoke and what he was really saying is “let’s get back together”.
Now I’m sitting in my room after about three days of being on “go”, and I’m glad to have this time to reflect.
And what’s on my mind is the words that the man who didn’t want me told me years ago. At the time, I was at the beginning of my life falling apart. We were losing the house that we had bought for my mom, I seemed to be flunking out of grad school, I was new to the “big city” and I was surrounded by guys who wanted these “big city” relationships, where you’re never really in a relationship but you kind-of are. I was telling the man who didn’t want me how I wanted to do all this stuff with my life, and he told me, in so many words, to stop talking about it and do it.
I’m so glad to see that he is doing it. He looks better than ever… It’s inspiring to see people make profound positive changes in their lives… I’d like to be like him one day. I am already becoming like him, but I’m going to step it up a notch now. It really doesn’t take that long to change your life. My life has changed profoundly in the course of three months, and I’m just getting started.
My Dream Lover has gotten back in touch and keeps telling me about what a dream life we are going to have, but I’m tired of hearing him talk now. I mean, he sounds lovely, but talk is cheap, and too much cheap talk without action will leave you broke. Not interested. I was afraid to tell him that he needs to take some actions and step it up a notch because, to be honest, I’ve never met anyone who seemed more perfectly matched for me and was actually interested in being with me, but the truth is, I can’t be in a sorry relationship anymore. I’m too good for all that. Literally. As Ntozage Shange said, “My Love is too sanctified to have thrown back in my face”… He ain’t acting right and that’s OK. I did my best. I really, really did my best at being open and Loving and I didn’t even ‘cuss him out when I was mad. I didn’t cheat on him, not even in my thoughts, and I held a space for him…
So, this is how you live life, You say. Love him anyway, and be thankful, whether he is doing the things you like or not. Set the tone for your life and stick to it and the rest will fall into place. Do your part and leave the rest to Me. This is what is called faith. This is how you live with no regrets. Do your part and stay open. Be about the words you speak…
So, in this spirit of the man who told me to get up off my *ss and stop talking, I’m going to end this writing for the night and get some other work done.. . One step at a time, baby. One step at a time…
Day 66
Be About It
Got a lot on my mind today. Writing with my eyes closed because my head hurts a bit. Been on “go” for the past 24 hours. Challenging day today. Had a lot to do. Did most of it.
Worst day ever tutoring my godson. Put in applications for my cousins to come to the U.S. They did their part and I’m glad about that. Went to work. Paid rent. RSVP’d for screenwriting meeting. Edited script. Booked flight to see mom. Researched out-of-country flights for near future… prayed a bit (not as much as I’d like). 11:40 pm. Still to do: yoga set, positive brainwashing, at least one page of creative writing, pick up sis, sleep.
An ex called me to ask if I needed help with anything. When I told him what I needed help with, something he could easily do, he said he couldn’t help and then called to explain why… He tried to down me earlier for being so busy… Hmm…
I get to choose.
Dream lover hasn’t called in two days. Maybe he fell into a schizophrenic coma. lol… beyond upset or disappointed.
I get to choose how I’d like to respond to this day. First instinct is to cry and get on the bed and start feeling sorry for myself because I have so much to do and it feels like nobody loves me today. This will inevitably lead to a downward spiral which may last indefinitely. I don’t want to do that. So, I think I’ll choose to do something different.
In the past, I would dump godson and put ex on the “do not disturb” list in my mind and heart. I’d call or text Dream Lover and tell him how much I hate him and tell him to leave me alone or something like that, and then I’d be all mad and try and find all the ways people have hurt me until I get good and depressed…
Today must be a new day for real, because I’m not going to do any of that now. Nope. In this instant, I am releasing all of them to the care of the One who created the wind. Wow. There is actually compassion in my heart. I know that if we knew better we would do better. So, for myself, I invite only loving interactions from them. My life and my happiness really has nothing to do with any particular individual. It has everything to do with the tone that I set for myself, and so in this instant I am resetting my tone. I bless my own self with Love. I Love you, girl, and I will be your cheerleader. Don’t worry, you will have more cheerleaders than you care for soon. But for now, know that I am proud of you for choosing to be happy and grateful in this moment. If ever you feel like you have no one else, remember that you have yourself, and I will always Love you and bring you back to the light should you choose it to be so.
Dream Lover is quite a dream and I bless him that one day he is brave and faithful enough to actually be the man that I know he is. But I am not stuck on the idea that he will be mine… It’s OK if he’s not. I open myself up to love anyway, whomever and however it may come, and I hold no malice against him for not being who I want when I want. He is free to walk the path he chooses. He is free to be himself. I trust that what is for me is for me and I prepare the space in my heart and in my life for a mighty, mighty lasting Love. Thank you, God, in advance.
And as far as ex… whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Whatever, you know?
I won’t abandon my godson. He’s just a kid. I’m gonna love him. Somebody’s daughter will thank me one day…
So that’s it. I’m going to do my yoga set… I love being able to get things out in this way. It really helps me to get back in touch with what is important. In the 45 minutes that I have taken to write this, life seems easy again. What a trip… Thanks for being with me on this journey. Thanks for reading… May each of your days be ever more joyful than the last. God Bless…
Day 65
Do Something Different
hownottocryeveryday 