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Day 71 – Trust

November 19, 2011

That Rihanna/ Niki Manaj song is on the mind. “Get ready for it. I came to win…”

Woke up so lovely today. Life is a beautiful thing. I’m not quite sure if I am delusional or disillusioned. I used to get the words mixed up, one meaning not having a strong hold on reality and the other meaning knowing that your ideals may not come true…I’m both right now.

So, I haven’t found a way to sponsor my trip out of the country without going broke yet. I’m still going to put forth the effort that I can and leave the rest to God. God always comes through. My life bears witness to this. I’m surprised that in all these posts I have not talked about trust. It can be a hard, confusing word, evoking feelings of anger and resistance just at its mention. Trust. Someone has hurt you or betrayed you in the past. Someone has not been there for you when you thought you needed them. You might have tried very hard and failed at some task. I know I have. And so you decided that you won’t do that anymore. You won’t let someone hurt you or betray you. You won’t give anyone a chance to let you down because you’re going to do it all by yourself. You will not open yourself to the possibility of failing, because you won’t really try to do anything that really matters… I know the feeling. It’s deep. These disappointments can be so deep. How can I sit here and say “trust” when the risk is so great?

Maybe that’s why I’ve never said it before, because my own heart and mind weren’t ready to take that leap. Now it seems I have no choice if I am to move forward. I am sitting here this morning realizing that there is no where else to run. I could always go back home to momma and live that life, but it’s not for me. And I’m not interested in running off with some man either or finding some aversion to keep from thinking. It’s a big responsibility (that’s one of my other trigger words, next to commitment and trust). To know that you and only you are responsible for creating the life you want to live is a big deal. You can’t blame your family or your significant others. The quality of my life is all up to me. The way I respond to situations is all up to me. My peace of mind, my happiness, even the amount of Love I experience, is all up to me. That’s a lot to take on, but it’s OK. I can do it. I am so willing to change, more than anything in this world.

In that spirit, I have to trust, and there are only two entities to Trust, myself and The One Who Created Me. Not to say that I can’t trust other human beings, but this is what I am learning. Trust people to be who they are, and if they don’t know who they are, trust that they will be confused and act accordingly. You don’t have to trust everyone with everything. I trust that my mom will always answer my phone calls and be there for me in any way possible if she can. That’s who she is. I don’t trust that she will encourage all of my spiritual explorations. It’s OK. Some people will look at your number on the phone and not answer, but when they do, they will always be open and expressive. You can trust that. Every now and then, you might meet someone who has decided that they will be careful with your heart. They have made that decision and that intention and you know that you can trust that no matter what happens, they will consider your feelings.

Some people are very giving with their money and some people are funny. So don’t trust someone who is funny with their money to bail you out or help you financially, even if they do have the funds. That’s not who they are. They may be the one that you can trust with your secrets. Likewise, the one who helps you out with the cash may be the biggest gossiper in town, so don’t tell them your secrets. This may sound like common sense, but I’m just learning it. Trust people in the ways that they have shown themselves trustworthy. That is the way to protect your heart. That is the way to not be disappointed. Give your heart to someone who has the capacity, maturity, and intention to take care of it. Do business with people who are business savvy or at least persistent, smart, strong, and disciplined enough to learn. Choose friends who care about you and do your part on the other end… This is how you build a life you like to be a part of. This is how I learn to trust again… Hmm…

And when it comes to moving forward, for me, the only way to move forward on these things that seem so big and so intimidating, I am learning, is to trust that God is for me and not against me. I have to believe, otherwise I will never get anything done. I have to trust that just as these ambitions and dreams have been placed in my head, there is a way to accomplish them. This trust thing is new to me, so I’m going to practice until it becomes engrained in my subconscious.

Today I’m going to do a task that I have been procrastinating on for a long time, actually two tasks. I’m going to type up an email and push “send” on a writing submission which may very well change my life forever, and I’m going to walk up to a very prominent singer, hand her a card, and ask her if she will sing a song that I wrote for her. My mind is screaming out in resistance. Resistance to change, resistance to good, resistance to bad. I’m handing this off to you, God. This thing horrifies me more than anything else. You are the Maker, the Creator, and the Disposer of Affairs. You know what is In Front and Behind in this thing we call time. I am willing to change. In fact I am choosing to change and transform my life in a profound way. This day I choose to Trust you. You have been there for me in spite of my own self-sabotaging actions. You have blessed me with Love even though I have not always given it. You have provided for me in ways that I never could have dreamed of. You have taken me out of such a dark, dark place and helped me to be a nice person again. And you did all of this even though I did not trust you and I did not believe that life could be good. You have been on the outside all of this time trying to show me that You are there for me. I choose to see you now. I choose to trust you now. Thank you so, so much.

Ameen.

Day 71

Trust

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From → How To Blossom

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