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Day 65 – Do Something Different

November 5, 2011

Got a lot on my mind today. Writing with my eyes closed because my head hurts a bit. Been on “go” for the past 24 hours. Challenging day today. Had a lot to do. Did most of it.

Worst day ever tutoring my godson. Put in applications for my cousins to come to the U.S. They did their part and I’m glad about that. Went to work. Paid rent. RSVP’d for screenwriting meeting. Edited script. Booked flight to see mom. Researched out-of-country flights for near future… prayed a bit (not as much as I’d like). 11:40 pm. Still to do: yoga set, positive brainwashing, at least one page of creative writing, pick up sis, sleep.

An ex called me to ask if I needed help with anything. When I told him what I needed help with, something he could easily do, he said he couldn’t help and then called to explain why… He tried to down me earlier for being so busy… Hmm…

I get to choose.

Dream lover hasn’t called in two days. Maybe he fell into a schizophrenic coma. lol… beyond upset or disappointed.

I get to choose how I’d like to respond to this day. First instinct is to cry and get on the bed and start feeling sorry for myself because I have so much to do and it feels like nobody loves me today. This will inevitably lead to a downward spiral which may last indefinitely. I don’t want to do that. So, I think I’ll choose to do something different.

In the past, I would dump godson and put ex on the “do not disturb” list in my mind and heart. I’d call or text Dream Lover and tell him how much I hate him and tell him to leave me alone or something like that, and then I’d be all mad and try and find all the ways people have hurt me until I get good and depressed…

Today must be a new day for real, because I’m not going to do any of that now. Nope. In this instant, I am releasing all of them to the care of the One who created the wind. Wow. There is actually compassion in my heart. I know that if we knew better we would do better. So, for myself, I invite only loving interactions from them. My life and my happiness really has nothing to do with any particular individual. It has everything to do with the tone that I set for myself, and so in this instant I am resetting my tone. I bless my own self with Love. I Love you, girl, and I will be your cheerleader. Don’t worry, you will have more cheerleaders than you care for soon. But for now, know that I am proud of you for choosing to be happy and grateful in this moment. If ever you feel like you have no one else, remember that you have yourself, and I will always Love you and bring you back to the light should you choose it to be so.

Dream Lover is quite a dream and I bless him that one day he is brave and faithful enough to actually be the man that I know he is. But I am not stuck on the idea that he will be mine… It’s OK if he’s not. I open myself up to love anyway, whomever and however it may come, and I hold no malice against him for not being who I want when I want. He is free to walk the path he chooses. He is free to be himself. I trust that what is for me is for me and I prepare the space in my heart and in my life for a mighty, mighty lasting Love. Thank you, God, in advance.

And as far as ex… whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Whatever, you know?

I won’t abandon my godson. He’s just a kid. I’m gonna love him. Somebody’s daughter will thank me one day…

So that’s it. I’m going to do my yoga set… I love being able to get things out in this way. It really helps me to get back in touch with what is important. In the 45 minutes that I have taken to write this, life seems easy again. What a trip… Thanks for being with me on this journey. Thanks for reading… May each of your days be ever more joyful than the last. God Bless…

Day 65

Do Something Different

From → How To Blossom

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