Woke up early again and am again scrapping and rewriting. I had to set a clear intention. I don’t particularly want to talk about my day-to-day life today.
I want to give you something you can work with, something that may help you. I will say, though, that this year has already become the best year of my life and I am grateful that I can be sitting up in the morning writing, not afraid of who might think whatever. I am grateful that I can sit here and think about giving, that I actually feel like I have something to give. This part is not about me. What irony. We spend all of our time getting this thing and that thing, pursuing this dream and the other, and then we discover that our greatest joy (well, speaking for myself) does not come in getting at all, but it comes in sharing and giving the things away…
I have come a long, long way and the journey has not always looked so sweet, but this morning I call it all sweet, and that’s what I want to give to you: a practice. Without going too much into philosophy or religion or the science of the mind, let me share with you what I have discovered. Change and transformation is a practice and when you are learning something new, you have to practice until it becomes a habit, especially if you have already developed habits that are contrary to what you are trying to learn. Habits become our lives.
Most of us never say, “Oh, I think I’d like to be poor. And on top of that maybe I’ll be lonely as well. Or at least if I’m not lonely, give me a dysfunctional relationship or something I’m not satisfied with. Hmm… Oooh, maybe make me long to be a thing and never be it, too, and make me confused about life and religion and distrustful about everyone and everything. Oh yeah, add a bit of bitterness on top, too. I’ll take some anger and despair, too, and please make my living situation nasty and grimy.” We don’t say any of those things on purpose, but oftentimes we find our lives reflecting some very sad things. So how do you change when you didn’t even plan to be the way you are? I’ve been intentionally trying to figure this out since I started writing this blog and I have one answer today that I’m going to practice for at least a week.
Set a sincere intention. Let’s not make this too hard. This morning, I woke up feeling so good and blessed. So thankful to have these moments. I said my prayers and realized that anything is possible in this day, and so, instead of just going with whatever and jumping up to eat or pee, I sat down and decided what I would like to create today. Love, money, and professional success have been the dominating thoughts in my head for a while, so I decided to focus on those and I set an intention. I did this by literally talking to myself, and this is what I said: I choose to have a greater love than I have ever imagined with a real man in this lifetime and I choose for our relationship to be exceptionally magnificent. I choose for it to last. I choose to be successful at the work I came to do in this world and I choose for all of my choices to be in alignment with what is good and best for me and all parties involved. My life is a reflection of Divine Alignment and I only welcome people and circumstances that support this Truth. I create only good in my life”. I set this huge and wonderful intention this morning. I made this choice.
You see, I had been choosing other things subconsciously. Maybe I learned to be sad from someone a long time ago and it was just normal to me. I’m sure at some early point in life I learned all kinds of bad things about men and then I just kept validating my beliefs in my personal life by picking unavailable men who weren’t really compatible with me. I went to school and got fancy degrees, but deep down, I had been choosing poverty by not using my knowledge to better my financial situation… You get the point. I had been floating around creating an ugly life without even realizing it. I had to sit down and decide now to create something different. I had to get deep with it, because the life I had created thus far came from a deep place. So, I’m getting down to the nitty gritty, and I’m loving it because I am getting to experience so much in life.
You don’t have to plan to change the world. You can start with something small. Something more on the surface, like setting an intention to say good morning to your kids every day in an effort to build closeness, or deciding to brush your teeth at night before you go to bed to help induce self-love. You can choose to cook one meal a day instead of eating out in order to save money. But whatever is, just do something. On purpose. Do something good for yourself on purpose…. Let’s change our lives.
Day 84
Set A Clear Intention
I’m up early, and I just deleted an entire entry so that I could start over and write from the heart. Good morning. Happy New Year. The sun is just rising on this part of the world. I’m sitting up on my bed typing on my laptop and feeling like my heart is about to burst open. It’s a new day.
Life always changes in a day. Someone is born. Someone dies. Someone gets pregnant or starts a new job. Someone moves to a new place, breaks up or starts a new relationship. Someone learns how to do the splits or passes a test and starts believing that anything is possible. A baby takes her first step in one day and someone’s “big break” happens in one instance… It’s a new day and I am embracing all of the miracles that are in it today. Of course change happens long before we see it on the surface. Some plants grow for months before we see the first stem shoot from the ground and there are sequences of events that all lead to the final point where we can visually see the effects of our efforts, but even those things happen in a day, and another day, and another day.
I spent New Years with friends and family. I wasn’t going to. I was going to sit in my “room-cave” and lazily watch internet TV, but as I was sitting there, I engaged in a few telephone exchanges that made me so upset that I had to get out of the house. So I went to my spiritual center, and I’m glad I did, because the happy people, the dancing, the praying, and the environment put me in a mood to start this year out different, inspired, sharing and amongst friends and family.
I am grateful this morning. I get to live. Oh, I know. For some people life doesn’t mean that much. We are bored and uninspired. We are in relationships that break our hearts or we are not with a person that we thought would make our hearts come alive. We are poor and unable to get the things we think we want and pay off all of these bills and debts or we are too afraid or discouraged to go for our dreams. We are lonely or confused and we are in situations where, try as we may, we don’t know how to get out of them. I know… Trust me, I know that life can look really glum and sometimes having another day doesn’t invoke a mood of celebration.
But there is something to celebrate about. I know this, too. Because in this day, in between the rising and the setting of the sun, you can plant a seed, any kind of seed you want, and as long as you water it, give it enough light, and pull out the weeds from time to time, it will grow. How exciting is that? You can plant a seed of prosperity and you won’t see it blossom today, but if you tend to it, you will find that your life slowly comes in order. You can plant a seed of Love and find yourself ending toxic ties that have lasted years and embracing new Love. In a day, change begins… And you don’t have to wait until you see the change manifest to celebrate about it. It’s going to happen. It’s Law. Look at any garden. Look at nature. Look at people who lose weight, people who get well, people who change their lives. It’s law. Plant a seed, cultivate it, pull out the weeds, and it will grow.
My new year’s resolution is a daily practice. Every day is a new year, and I resolve to continue cultivating the garden of my life until I can see the fruit of my labors manifest and then I resolve to plant new seeds…
Life is blossoming, even in this new day, but you don’t need to see the flowers to start singing. You can start celebrating now for the life that is already growing, for the new day that you already have. You can start the party now…
Day 83
Celebrate
Many things and nothing floating through my head. I used to wish I didn’t think so much. For many of my adolescent years, I actually tried not to be so “deep” so that I could fit in, but it doesn’t work. I’m just not a surface dweller. Deepness suits me well…
Not quite sure of what I feel or think today. Nothing, really. Brand new again. This is different. Let’s start at the very beginning, as Fraulein Maria said on Sound of Music. A very good place to start.
What are we doing here, in this world, on this Earth? Don’t tell me. I know you know. Trying to work our way to Heaven? Lose weight? Be anti-bored? Make some money? Be happy? Make somebody proud? Just get out of the mud? Be connected to something, anything??? What are we really doing here? What wakes us up every day? People have been trying to answer this question from the beginning of time and the truly committed ones have come up with much more profound answers than I can offer. I think most of us think the question is too deep, so we just do what we can to make it through the day, find something to distract us: some children to tend, a job, a love that we dive into with all of ourselves (or not). But at the end of the day (or maybe 50 years later), the question comes up again. What are we doing here?
I spent a lot of time here in my apartment this past week, on the bed. Relapse? I don’t think so. I didn’t really feel like crying that much or doing anything destructive, but I didn’t feel like doing my usual stuff either, writing, working, self-improvement, etc. I had lost my motivation, and the question came up in my mind, “What am I doing here?” It was so random. Prior to that moment, things in my life had been making sense for a good six months, and then suddenly, nothing made sense. I guess my breakup probably had something to do with it. There was and is this spaciousness in my heart and my body, even in my mind, the release of something that had constantly been with me, and with that openness comes choice. What do you do next?
I can see other people so clearly and tell you that this particular person is sticking around on Earth because he wants to prove to his momma that he’s worth *hit. This one feels an obligation to her children and that keeps her ticking, and this one dreams of the day that he can be successful and show the world that he’s not a failure, and that gets him up in the morning. What about me?
It used to be my momma. I wanted to prove that I could “be something”, whatever that means, but not so much anymore. I’ve already “been something” and while it felt good to have a bunch of money and be able to do stuff, it didn’t feed the deeper parts of me… I have changed and what moves me has changed as well. So, I am stepping out of myself so I can see myself more clearly… Let’s see. She (me) wants to know that these things in fairy books are real. The Joy, the Love, the Aliveness, the Goodness, the Soulful connections. She believes that they are more than stories and so she lives to see them, to show others that they are real. Sure, career, money, etc… That’s just a part of it. She lives to Live, and so she must do what makes her come alive…
I am learning that I can be my own teacher, my own student, my own healer, and my own lover (well, not like that, but you know what I’m saying). I am amazed at how easy life is becoming and how quickly I can find clarity and I am so thankful to know that at any given moment you can choose. You can really choose! You can choose to come alive! You might as well. Let’s be honest. We’re gonna’ be here for a while…
Day 82
Do What Makes You Come Alive
I am so thankful for today. The storm is over. The grief is gone. Only a brief memory that it was there remains. It only took four days instead of four months, or four years like it has taken before…
I am laughing, God. I can see my smile. Thank you for this day. I am not alone. I have family and friends and even strangers that I love. Thank you. I even see new people, just across the horizon, bidding me to come and share in this thing called life. So thank you, God, for this day. A real day on the other side of happy.
It is a choice alone, the greatest gift. A choice. To be or not to be. To have or not to have. To give or not to give. To let go or to hold on. I never understood about this thing called free will, but I am understanding it more. Every single minute of every single day, we make a choice, and you, dear God, honor our choices. I have heard it before, but I didn’t really believe it, but as I look at my life, I see that it has always been true, even when my choices have been conflicting. On the outside I have chosen happiness, but on the inside I have chosen to be loyal to a sad past. The strongest choice always prevails….
So today, Lord, I am choosing to have it, All of it. Not in a greedy, selfish way, but in a real way. I am choosing to have it, if it is Your will, and I know it is. I am choosing to have it, not dream it, not want it, not talk about it. I allow myself to have it, the deepest of my deepest heart’s longings. I am choosing for them no longer to be longings, but to be realities. A soul mate. God, you know what that means. Purposeful work. A clear conscience. Love and light. The fulfillment of my destiny on Earth. I am choosing to have it all, God. Continuous guidance and the wisdom and strength to walk in the direction in which I am guided.
I choose to have it, God. I give myself permission, I give You permission, to have a Divine life. I choose to have it. I choose to have it now. Ameen.
Day 81
Have It
Yesterday was one of those days. It’s 2:30 in the morning, and I slept most of the day yesterday, so I’m up for the day now.
I was trying to avoid the words…. Words, thoughts, ideas, kept flooding my mind and I couldn’t get rid of them. I was looking for some peace, so I went to sleep, but the words kept coming in the forms of dreams and visions… It occurred to me how integral words have been to my existence, a constant companion in my mind, in my writings, in my readings… It seems that they have been a part of me as long as I can remember. I wonder if there are people who don’t think in words, but in pictures rather, or sounds or smells or insights. Of course there are.
So it occurred to me this morning, that sometimes we lump words together but they don’t mean the same thing. Depression, sadness, grief, self-pity, loneliness and despair are all very different concepts. When I started this blog almost five months ago, I was experiencing depression and sadness. Yesterday I experienced grief and I am still experiencing a bit of it as I write. I don’t want to talk about it, but I will, because that’s why I started this blog in the first place, so I could talk about stuff. I want to talk about happy stuff, but the funny thing is, this grief doesn’t feel un-happy, like sadness. It feels like grief. It’s different.
Yesterday my heart busted open. I mean really busted open. It’s been a while since I have cried out loud like a baby, but yesterday I let it rain. I figured if I had all that grief in me, I might as well let it out, rather than hold it in and wait for a heart attack. I had broken up with Dream Lover again. I know, you might be asking “Didn’t she already break up with him some time ago???” Yes, I did. Anyone who has ever broken up with anyone they love knows that the breakup usually doesn’t happen when the breakup happens. It’s mostly months before or months (or years) after that a person comes to terms with the fact that no, I will never ever ever ever be with you again in that way… So yesterday, about four months after I told Dream Lover to leave me the *uck alone, he exited my heart, kicking and screaming and finally letting go. This is what happened.
I woke up feeling, well, inspired. Thoughts and words were just flooding my mind and spirit before I could open my eyes and Dream Lover was at the forefront of them all. I recognized that, try as I had to divorce him from my consciousness, he had still remained a constant presence in the back of all things. “What if he actually shows up and is the man of my dreams like he said he was? What if he changes and starts being nice to me again like he used to be? Maybe I could have done something different. What if I get with someone else? I’m tired of getting with someone else and want to work through things and stick with someone for once in my life. How could it be possible for two people to feel this strongly towards each other and not be together? How could we be so dumb? Why can’t we just get over ourselves?” One or more of these thoughts seemed to have been a constant presence in my subconscious mind for quite some time and yesterday morning, I acknowledged them all. I didn’t really know what to do with them. They seemed to be holding my heart and mind hostage. And so I politely excused myself from my mind and appealed to a higher Power, the Spirit.
This link between us was not formed by my thoughts (although it was maintained for so long by my unwillingness to let it go) so I quit trying to talk myself into getting over him. Feeling inspired, I sent Dream Lover a text and asked if he would please let me go. Depart. Unhook himself from these inner places in me. I told him I felt incapable of doing it on my own. He called me immediately, angry. He told me how I couldn’t possibly love him because I cuss him out and dump him from time to time, and we started to argue, but then I decided that I didn’t want to do that. I asked him if he was going to let me go, and he politely told me, “no”. I was shocked and amazed. He then went on to tell me how he was going to be here “soon” and how I should wait for him. Now, mind you, this is a man who travels all over the world often and has people come and visit him from all over the world often, even people from the city I live in. He has been saying he will be here “soon” for almost a year and a half in our on-and-off relationship now. I know what you may be thinking. Stupid me. I know…
So, I told him “whatever” and got off the phone with him, still in a daze. I distracted myself with food and some other things, did one of the tasks on my “to-do” list, and then retreated to my bed. I thought of all the women I know. One of them, someone very close to me, is going through a divorce right now. She asked for the divorce about a year ago, but the man refused to sign the papers. He refused to be nice to her or act like her husband either, but he refused to let her go, and so she just sits in limbo. I saw her in my mind’s eye, how broken she had become in the past year, and I weeped for her. I weeped for myself because I was her, and I weeped for her husband and my Dream Lover because… well, because they are too blind to weep for themselves.
I asked God if He could please handle this situation, because it was too much for me and I had been doing so well I didn’t want to fall into a deep, dark depression or close my heart or get stuck anymore. I was OK with keeping Dream Lover. I was OK with letting him go. I was OK with whatever may come, so long as it meant progress and not regression… And somewhere, in the midst of my crying, my heart busted open, and I just let it. It kind of hurt at first, like somebody squeezing it, and then the pain stopped and it felt like a release. I can liken it to having a splinter removed. When you first get the splinter it hurts really bad, but then after it’s in you for a while, you just get used to the pain and it becomes normal. Then when someone yanks it out, it really hurts for a moment and then you just feel space. You remember that there was a lot of pain there just now, but now the space just feels like, well, space… Like someone did some acupuncture on me and blood is flowing in places where it wasn’t before.
I don’t feel good about it. I don’t feel sad about it or crippled or depressed. I don’t even feel like teaching him a lesson or finding a rebound band-aid man, because nothing really hurts. It just feels like something I had gotten used to is gone now, like my dad dying. It’s over. So you cry and you cry and you cry and then one day you don’t. I used to try not to cry, but that doesn’t work. The grief is gonna hit you one of these days, so you might as well let it happen sooner than later.
So, here’s to life! Let it rain…
Day 80
Let It Rain
-Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise
For even breaking is opening
And I am broken
I am open
See the love shine in through my cracks
See the light shine out from me
My spirit takes journey
My spirit takes flight
And I am not running
I am choosing
I am broken
I am broken open
Breaking is freeing
Broken is freedom
I am not broken
I am free
– from the movie Pariah
Blog off. Thoughts off. Something not quite centered. Going in. Closing eyes… Lazy day, but i like it. Just doing nothing is good sometimes. Stop the wheels. Reevaluate. Going in the right direction? Check. Places for improvement? Clean house. Big heart full of love. When can I give it away? Soon. But that’s what Dream Lover used to say, soon. He was right. But when is soon? Soon…
Sigh… OK. Having a conversation with myself.
What can I do to distract myself today? I have already exhausted the internet, the bed, and the telephone.
-Why do you want to distract yourself? What are you afraid of?
All this new stuff. The work never ends.
-Yes. It never ends either way.
I could move to the country and fish and farm all day.
-When will you stop running? What are you running from?
I don’t know. One day everything makes sense and then it doesn’t and I have to learn myself all over again and the world looks different, you know? And I’ve been looking for someone to save me for a long time, but I’m always the one doing all the saving and I don’t even know what I need saving from. I guess I’m just looking for someone to tell me that everything is going to be all right, but not just anyone. I’m looking for someone who is all right to tell me everything is going to be all right, that way I will actually believe them…
You say there is no savior coming. They are all dead. I can read their books and talk to them in spirit if I like, but these are the times when I have to save myself. How?
-Well again, I ask, what do you need saving from?
Nothing… I have green juice in the fridge and a full belly, I know. I have family and friends that I am close to, I know. I have an able body and mind, I know. My heart is almost completely clean, I know. But I’m tired. I’d like to take a break from life and go to sleep and wake up to a clean house that smells good and a hot man cooking in the kitchen. I’d like my books to already be published and maybe even to have a little baby running around somewhere. I’d like to have so much money that all I do is give it away… I’d just like to be there all the way already.
I read my past blogs, and I can’t believe I’ve come so far. I see women and men walking around in so much pain, as much pain as I was in not too long ago and more. There are so many things I don’t understand. Can I just vent for a minute, God? Yes, You say, but not too long. LOL. OK…
-Listen. The in-between is never easy. Look at teenagers. You are not yet who you are to be and yet you are no longer who you used to be. Life might be pimply and you may go through hormonal extremes and you may get bored and antsy. But sooner than later, you become the thing that you were growing towards. You have chosen to Live a certain way, to be your complete self and give your all before it’s all said and done, but you can stop anytime. Just understand that when you stop, you stop. And when you go, you go. What a gift you have, to be able to choose. How lucky you are to realize that you have a choice. So now, my Dear, choose to Trust Me and be Patient. You are on the right Path. Just be Patient…
Day 79
Patience
I have been out of my cocoon for the past week or so and I have been busy going places, parties, plays, dates, working on gigs with different groups of people. I feel like an outsider looking in on life. I am a brand new butterfly and life and people seem so much different from this perspective. I have grown a lot since starting this blog, and some of the people I knew before have grown as well, but everyone hasn’t, and some have grown in different directions than me, and now I am wondering where do I belong…
You see, a butterfly and a caterpillar have two completely different world views. Can you imagine? Caterpillars move so slowly. They are always down and the world is big and unattainable from their perspective. They are eaten by bigger predators and their silk is used by other species, and they are more concerned with trying to survive and finding food than anything else. How do they cope, then, when they become butterflies, beautiful and majestic, moving quickly, the whole world their canvass? Survival is no longer an issue because they need only fly a short while to find their needs met and now their world is about giving. I wonder if they go back and mingle with their caterpillar friends or do they fly far far away with the other butterflies. I always seem to see them when I am feeling most down and they brighten up my days. So their life has changed. Their world has changed, or transformed rather.
All caterpillars who live long enough become butterflies at some point. As humans, I think it’s a little different and our evolution is a function of our choice. We have to choose to be butterflies or we at least have to decide that we no longer want to be caterpillars before things change…
This part of the blog is supposed to be happy and about blossoming and stuff, but it’s not always that way. I’m not going to lie, life as a butterfly is much different than life as a caterpillar. I think the greatest difference is that even in moments of sadness, you still realize that greater things exist. But I still have my moments.
Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown, maybe two. I worked a gig in entertainment land and ended up being partnered with a middle aged man who was very unhappy with his life. I have a tendency to be too empathetic, and I soaked up all of his feelings of despair and disappointment and desperation, and I even got a bit of bitterness too. By the end of the day, I was drained. Then, on the drive home, I started thinking about my life, and all of the people I have known. Even though I am quiet and shy, or maybe because I can be quiet and shy, people have a tendency to trust me with the deeper secrets of their lives. And so I thought about all of my relationships, past and present. I thought about the new life that is becoming me, and I felt guilty about leaving some people behind, people I was close to, people I loved, and people who loved me. I mean, I didn’t leave them behind, per say, but I left their lives. They didn’t want to fly with me or maybe they couldn’t fly even though they wanted to because they thought it was too hard or whatever the case was, they are still on the other side, and try as I may, I can not bring them to where I am and I can not stay where they are. Yet I feel compelled to hold on to these people who loved me before I even Loved myself, who shared the simple things in life with me, like food and kind words, these people who championed me even though they did not believe in their own flight. They are a part of me as well. I am a part of them. We are a part of each other, all of us.
So this is a new learning point for me. My new life calls me and I can’t hold on to the old and step into the new at the same time, yet I feel obliged to hold on to the past out of respect for what certain people have done for me in my life and how deeply we have connected… I imagine that anyone endeavoring to create a greater life will encounter these feelings of guilt and betrayal, and sometimes the loyalty is so strong that we will sacrifice the possibility of a better life because we don’t want the people from our past to feel like we are leaving them… But you can’t let a new love into your heart if you are trying to hold on to the promise that you made to your ex that you will always put them first. You can’t fly into new territory if you are stuck on keeping that commitment to your best friend (mother, mate, sibling) that you both will always do everything together and your person doesn’t want to fly… Solution? I’m still working on it, but I think there is a way to honor your past and move forward with grace. Let people know how much they meant to you and why you are taking the actions you are taking. God will give you the words, and the ones who Love you will understand…
Day 78
Honor Your Past
It’s the afternoon time and I just got done doing some introspective work. Feeling really calm and confident. So much happens so quickly these days it’s hard for me to keep up.
Last night, I went to a movie premiere with a friend and then I went dancing alone. Both events were great. I had so much fun being around people and I was open and brave. When I went dancing at the club, I was scared at first, being by myself. I sat down and these two girls started talking to me. In this big city, I’m not always able to distinguish between when a female is trying to be friendly or flirty, so I decided to err on the side of caution, and I wasn’t too friendly with them. I sat alone for about an hour just wanting and wanting to dance, hoping some guy would ask me, but they were all just looking at me and then looking away. Finally (and I had to psyche myself up for this), I stood up and started to dance. I was nervous and stiff and self-conscious at first, so then I just closed my eyes and imagined I was dancing in my room alone until I could feel the music. When I opened my eyes, there were two guys standing in front of me dancing with me.
The rest of the night was a dance party and I had such a good time! I was open and friendly. At one point, this one guy tried to do too much and get a little too close and that upset me a bit… I am recognizing that you can do both. I used to either be an untouchable ice princess or a vulnerable victim that always got taken advantage of, but you can give your all, be open, and still honor and respect your boundaries.
Yeah. This is cool. I can still be open and be safe. People see you when you walk in a room. Just like little kids, we know who we can play with and who we have to take seriously. We know who might hurt us and who we can trust. It’s in very simple things like a person’s posture and the look in their eyes. It’s in a tone of voice and a mindless gesture… We know, but we forget. And we start thinking that who a person is has to do with their age or gender or race…
Last night, I made a conscious effort to give my all, to dance my heart out and be open to give and receive blessings with everyone I danced with, and it was amazing. This week (per one of my teacher’s suggestions) I have made a conscious commitment to give something to someone every day, without expecting anything back, no matter how small, and it is such a wonderful feeling… You don’t really get anything. Well maybe you do. We’ll see. The best thing about giving is that you feel alive, and you don’t feel like you cheated yourself or anyone else.
God, I sent prayers to you without words, and You heard them. You have put such peace in my heart. You have given me my smile again and helped me to remember who I am. You are teaching me the ways of right-use-ness and I am discovering wisdom and power within me. I am learning about the gift of forgiveness and I am becoming a person I like to be. I am so honored and grateful that I am learning to choose what to give and when to give and who to give it to. There is a place for it all… There is a place for it all and I am so excited that I can finally share… Ameen.
Day 77
Give (Your All)
Today has been an interesting day… I haven’t felt this way in a while, but I know the feeling well. A funny kind of anxiety creeping up in me, almost like fear but mixed up with some sadness… The weather is changing. Today was my last day of work at my seasonal job and I’ll be doing other things next year…
I was feeling a little desperate today, wanting to escape. I don’t even know what I was wanting to escape from. There is no where to run anymore. Momma can’t save me and the men aren’t trying to be knights in shining armor anymore, and I’m not quite sure what I need saving from anyway… As an ex-boyfriend once told me long ago, “Wherever you go, there you are”. Ha ha. I can’t escape myself anymore…
Sis is leaving for the holidays, so I will be in the big city alone. I have a very long “to-do” list to keep me company, but suddenly I’m not so excited about it anymore. I want to go dancing and fall in love and do the exciting things in life. Life and Love are calling me but I can’t see their faces and it scares me that I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’m not sure about what steps to take: basic things like should I hang out with such and such person or wash my clothes? Should I try and make some new friends or just focus 100 percent on my writing stuff? Should I date even though there are still hints of Dream Lover’s seductive words lingering on my heart??? So many little decisions. They make up a life…
I know this much. I can’t stay on the bed (even though I tried today). It just doesn’t do it for me anymore. My stable, routine life has ended it’s season for now and this part is up to me. Ugh. How daunting. I’m a little girl all over again afraid that no one will want to be my friend and the boys I like won’t like me. At least I’m not afraid that they won’t like my writing. That’s one good thing I can move on. And I’m grown-up enough to know that even if I’m afraid I can still do things and after I do them I won’t be so scared. That’s another good thing. And I also know that I have this magic blog that helps me sort out my thoughts and I have my prayers and meditations and physical motion that helps make things clear and easy for me, so I’ll seek comfort in those.
God, I’d like to learn how to step into change gracefully instead of being afraid and sad. I am willing to have it all. Yes. I am willing to be it all and give it all. You have given me the tools. You have sent angels and gifts and you have opened up such a magnificent well in me and I am forever humbled and grateful. I know, it’s not about me. I know, it’s not just for me. It’s for Us. I know it’s my work, to be one of those people, one of Your people. I mean, we are all Your people, but we don’t always know it…
So, yes. Again. Yes to this different life that is here already. Yes to easy transitions that don’t involve mental breakdowns and stagnation. Yes to truly loving relationships. Oh, they are already here! Thank you, Lord. Yes to the smile behind my eyes. Yes to my giving hands. Yes to genuine exchange with other human beings. Yes to beautiful, wonderful, peaceful, uplifting change.
Day 76
Embrace Change
Dear Me,
This week has been pretty busy. Sorry I haven’t made much time to be still and reflect. It makes so much of a difference. It brings back the magic and keeps away the boredom. This morning has been fantastic so far, sitting with you and seeing what’s going on inside. I am proud of you. So proud of you. I can say that because I am you. It’s not bragging. It’s accepting.
This is your new thing now. Accepting. It is the new thing moving forward, because you have already done enough releasing to create space for other things. You, my dear, have already done more work than you are aware of, and this is a good thing.
Now the man thing. It bothers you, I know. Practice patience. No need to fill the silence with fluff anymore. Fluff doesn’t last. Desperation is no longer a part of your vocabulary and honor and integrity are becoming your life. So in that spirit, I say, be patient. Control the things that you can control and leave the rest to Me. You can make sure that your heart stays open and clean. You can take care of your body and your home so that you feel comfortable opening it and sharing it with another. You can choose to cultivate life-enhancing relationships and remove yourself from those that bring you down. You can take actions to enhance your career and the flow of resources in your life. You can sit and talk to Me and choose to accept My guidance. These things you can do. Have faith. He is on his way.
We don’t need to tell the world of the many blessings that have already come. They are for you. They are your blessings. Others have their own blessings. What you can do now is be a blessing. Be a blessing. That is the next thing. You are strong enough now. You are happy enough now. You are wise enough now. You are powerful enough now, and you know Me.
Don’t waste time on small things. Small, almost loves. Tiny endeavors of survival. Now, handle your business, but trust me to buoy you up to the place where you are no longer worried about survival, about loneliness. There was a time for that in your life, but it is no longer now…
My Dear, dear, You, open your arms wide because there is much coming your way, and much will be asked of you. You, timid, shy, awkward, stubborn, beautiful, Loving woman. Yes, you. Welcome to your life.
Day 75
Welcome to Your Life
hownottocryeveryday 