It’s 10:36 am. I woke up before the sun today, but I’ve been doing things since and am just now getting a chance to write in my blog.
I’m sitting at a Starbucks about to go to an 11 appointment. Different vibe than sitting in my room. I think it’s about time for me to get out of my room and apartment and see if all these things I’ve been talking about work in the real world. My cocoon will always be there if I need to go back and rejuvenate myself.
This lady just left her purse on the table right by me and asked me to watch it for her while she goes across the street. Really? Hmm… Do I look like I’m not going to steal your purse if you go across the street? I am sitting right by the door. Anyway, I digress.
Life feels like magic today. Don’t ask me why. Nothing particularly magical has happened, except I feel excited. let’s see what happens by the end of the day. So, I don’t have much for you today. I’m committed to writing every day until I hit day 100 from this point forward, so I’m going to write whether or not I feel inspired.
There’s a thought. Create inspiration. We’re always sitting around waiting for something to move us and inspire us. Maybe part of this inspiration starts with our movement. Maybe when we move in spite of our depression or whatever the case may be, we become inspired. I think progress starts both ways, outside in and inside out, but eventually you are going to have to incorporate the two methods… The purse lade is now trying to spy on my computer and see what I am writing. Now she’s chatting nervously with some man. I think they are on a blind date! Hehehe. Humans are great!
I’m having fun. I think being back in the world is going to be quite an exciting ride this go around. Thank you God for letting me see this day, for allowing me to live to see joy for one moment of one day in my life and helping me to be conscious enough to recognize it.
Ameen.
Day 88
Create Inspiration
Good morning. I am up before the sun again. It is becoming a lovely habit. I can have time to rejuvenate and center myself and still start working at sunrise with the rest of the world. My little sister is back and she is her loving, beautiful self again. This vacation did both of us a lot of good…
So shall I tell you what happened yesterday with my experiment in being a blessing? I’m going to share a personal story today and to be honest I have a few reservations about getting personal because people who know me read this blog, but today I’m choosing not to care. I have spent a long time being worried about what people may think and allowing that fear to stop me from doing what I thought was right, but I’m done with that now. Can you imagine? When I was a little girl, people used to tease me and I became so scared of people teasing me or not approving of me that I developed into a shy, reclusive woman, but not anymore! Let them tease if they will. They’re probably all dummies anyway, so there! I’m surprised it took me so long to write about this topic, but today, I’m going a little farther and choosing not to be scared. Oh, of course I feel scared, but I’m choosing not to be scared in spite of my feelings.
I prayed and meditated yesterday and then I wrote in my blog about being a blessing. Then I decided that one of the blessings I was going to give for that day was that I was going to say a prayer for someone. I had met this guy a little while ago. He’s a kind of popular guy in this town and I had done something really weird and asked him if he wanted to pray with me right after our first meeting, without even knowing anything about him. I just felt compelled to pray with him. To make a long story short, he told me yes, but then after a while I didn’t hear from him. I bugged him about it, but no response. I felt a little rejected and sad about it. I saw that other people were taking his attention and I felt like he had just decided to ignore me. That always hurts. So anyway, yesterday, as one of the blessings I was giving, I sent him an email and I let him off the hook. That was me giving forgiveness. In my heart, I forgave him for not keeping his word. It was actually OK. I need to tell you, this is new for me, being able to let people off the hook and not harbor resentment when they disappoint me even if they don’t say sorry or make amends. I’m going to tell you how I did it. I got this exercise from Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life a long time ago.
I imagined him standing on a stage, looking just as fine and happy as he is. Then I imagined the prettiest, happiest, most successful girl that I know. I picked a woman that looks similar to the woman that my first love cheated on me with a long time ago. You know, that woman that we love to hate because we think she’s better than us. So I saw her in my mind and first I blessed her. I told her it was OK if she’s better than me. It’s OK if someone loves her more than they love me. I gave her permission to be fabulous. Then I saw him and I imagined the two of them together. I imagined that they were deeply in love and successful and happy together. I sat with that for a while until the image didn’t incite any negative feelings in me, and then I blessed them and I forgave him. I told him, “I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you be. I forgive you and I set you free.” And it worked. I wasn’t angry with him. I didn’t feel like he owed me something anymore. I gave him permission to be just as fantastic as he is…
Then I went further and sent him an email. I still wanted to pray for him like I had originally been inspired to do. So I sent a very polite email letting him off the hook and in the email, I wrote a prayer for him. Do you know he wrote me back and thanked me for my prayer, saying it was right on time? Then he opened an invitation to connect in person.
Other things happened yesterday, too. I’ve been scared to talk about the good things that happen to me, too, because sometimes I think that people will hate and not like me anymore, but I’m not scared of the haters now, either. I realize that playing small and not acknowledging the greatness of God and the Universe is blasphemy. I don’t tell these things to brag. I tell these things so people will know that life is miraculous and good. So you will see first-hand that anything can happen and I tell them because I’m proud of myself. I’ve been doing a lot of work here… Someone offered to take me on a shopping spree yesterday, I got a phone call from a long-lost friend, and I found out that my travel plans are going to be easier than I thought. I don’t know if these things are a result of my actions. I’m weary of the philosophy that we can control so much in our world, but I don’t think that everything is a coincidence either.
What I do know, though, is that we are blessed beyond our fondest dreams and that as we find the courage to accept our blessings, as we allow ourselves to do what we are being called to do, as we look our fears in the eye and see them for what they are, just limited perceptions about reality, we are able to do more. We are able to be more. We can walk and know that even if we fall, we won’t die. We can put ourselves on the line and know that even if we are rejected, it will only hurt for a little bit.
Soon we will know that the boogeyman is all in our minds. Soon…
Day 87
Don’t Be Scared
Good morning God,
I woke up feeling so good today. I had a nice dream and then my sprite of a sister texted me and woke me up before the sun today. Thank you already for this new day.
The other day I had a dream that I had lost my purse. In the dream, I was getting all worried and then I heard my own voice in the dream. I said to myself, “Wake up. You didn’t lose your purse. This is just a dream.” And I woke up in real life laughing.
Is life like this? A dream that we must wake up from and slowly come to define? Like the Matrix? I know, I’m talking nonsense, but I’m beginning to find that everyone is living in their own dream… Just thinking about how I grew up and where I come from. My family, our view of the world, is so so different than the view of these people in the big city…
So I just wanted to talk to you a bit today, God. You already know what’s going on with me, I know. This morning is different. My heart is open and I’m not feeling sick today. I’m feeling something like a release instead. My new yoga class was great last night… I am finding blessings wherever I go, and Lord I need you to help me to accept them. I’m not used to all this good stuff. “Well get used to it, babe”, You say. “Remember, you are going farther.” My vacation is over, but it has been so sweet, here in my room-cave with my healthy foods and my yoga mat, my books and my music. Can you believe I am becoming a writer and feeling good and stuff? “Yes. It’s about time”. Ha!
OK. So I’m rambling. Do you have anything for me today, God? “Yes, you say. I thought you’d never ask… Be a blessing. On purpose. Give something sweet, something of yourself. Don’t do the easy thing and give some money to a homeless person. Give something special to someone who may not want to accept it. This is how you get over your fear of rejection. This is how you learn to give and follow your dreams. You will find a gift in this practice… I told you I have all the answers, if you will only ask and be patient and faithful. You will have them, your dreams. We both know this. You are doing the work and you are doing a good job. Do you see now? You needed all this. All of this so-called pain and struggle has been a gift. I have been giving you wisdom and strength and you have been calling it pain. What a world!”
So go ahead. Do something good for someone else. Give something. Not out of guilt or obligation. Give something sweet to someone that you really want to give something sweet to and see what happens…
Thank you God. Ameen
Day 86
Be a Blessing
It’s late afternoon. I went for a run early this morning and ended up catching a cold which ended up being a blessing. It kept me home all day, and, unable to sleep, I have been doing some internal work.
I ran with a family member, who runs marathons as a hobby. As we ran the track, I found myself pushing my body further than I normally do. Running is one of my least favorite exercises. In my opinion, it’s boring and I get tired really quickly. But, of all the physical activities that I do, it shakes me up the most. Like, literally of course, but also mentally. My mind trips out, I sweat and itch in places that I don’t even realize exist, I feel stress relief in my shoulders and head, and even my lips feel invigorated.
So, this run today was particularly challenging. I couldn’t figure out what was up, and then it dawned on me: I was doing more than I had done in a long, long time and my mind and body were not happy about this sudden shift.
In other news, yesterday I went to a very fancy meeting with filmmaker people and I ended up speaking in front of the crowd and telling them about a script I had written. After the meeting, one of the people approached me to tell me he liked my idea… Life is lining up nicely, and I’ll be honest. I got scared.
This is new territory. This is new territory. I’m becoming a new person. The other day I was actually nice to a man. Me! Nice! Trust me, it hasn’t happened in a long time…
So, I’m glad I got this cold today, because I had to sit in and find something I could hold on to in this midst of all this new stuff. Sometimes, as we are growing, in an effort to have some sort of stability, we grab on to anything from the past: negative attitudes and fears that have comforted us throughout the years. We call people we can’t stand or start procrastinating just so that we don’t have to step into something different. We start an argument that’s gonna make us sad again or spend a bunch of money on something we don’t need. If we continue with this pattern, we find that we are again moving backwards. Same old drama. Same old hesitation. Same old confusion…
I’m no longer interested in moving backwards and at times like these, it can be hard to find help, especially if you don’t quite know how to articulate what you’re going through. So, I went to myself today, and for me, going to myself means going to God. I know everyone doesn’t believe in God and we have different ideas of what or who God is, etc, and I’m not here to debate about or discuss that. I’m just talking about what works for me here. Do what works for you. What I have found to be true for everyone, though, is that no matter how much any one of us knows or understands, there are always greater levels of understanding beyond our current perceptions. And so when I go to God, this is what I seek and this is what I open myself to: a greater level of understanding beyond my current state of being.
In my meditations today I became aware of the many miracles that have happened in my life alone, much less the lives of others that I have known, and I realized that although I have come far, it is possible for me to go further, and I asked God to help me, because I don’t know it all. I became aware that there were things in my heart that still needed to be released and some limiting subconscious beliefs that I had to address…
The fear of the unknown has subsided and I will push myself farther again tomorrow, until my body and mind accept that it is OK to move forward. We can be safe in the unknown, and in fact, with the decision that we have made to better our lives, we have no choice but to venture out into this place they call “the unknown”. This is brand new territory, baby! Let’s get to getting!
Day 85
Go Farther
Woke up early again and am again scrapping and rewriting. I had to set a clear intention. I don’t particularly want to talk about my day-to-day life today.
I want to give you something you can work with, something that may help you. I will say, though, that this year has already become the best year of my life and I am grateful that I can be sitting up in the morning writing, not afraid of who might think whatever. I am grateful that I can sit here and think about giving, that I actually feel like I have something to give. This part is not about me. What irony. We spend all of our time getting this thing and that thing, pursuing this dream and the other, and then we discover that our greatest joy (well, speaking for myself) does not come in getting at all, but it comes in sharing and giving the things away…
I have come a long, long way and the journey has not always looked so sweet, but this morning I call it all sweet, and that’s what I want to give to you: a practice. Without going too much into philosophy or religion or the science of the mind, let me share with you what I have discovered. Change and transformation is a practice and when you are learning something new, you have to practice until it becomes a habit, especially if you have already developed habits that are contrary to what you are trying to learn. Habits become our lives.
Most of us never say, “Oh, I think I’d like to be poor. And on top of that maybe I’ll be lonely as well. Or at least if I’m not lonely, give me a dysfunctional relationship or something I’m not satisfied with. Hmm… Oooh, maybe make me long to be a thing and never be it, too, and make me confused about life and religion and distrustful about everyone and everything. Oh yeah, add a bit of bitterness on top, too. I’ll take some anger and despair, too, and please make my living situation nasty and grimy.” We don’t say any of those things on purpose, but oftentimes we find our lives reflecting some very sad things. So how do you change when you didn’t even plan to be the way you are? I’ve been intentionally trying to figure this out since I started writing this blog and I have one answer today that I’m going to practice for at least a week.
Set a sincere intention. Let’s not make this too hard. This morning, I woke up feeling so good and blessed. So thankful to have these moments. I said my prayers and realized that anything is possible in this day, and so, instead of just going with whatever and jumping up to eat or pee, I sat down and decided what I would like to create today. Love, money, and professional success have been the dominating thoughts in my head for a while, so I decided to focus on those and I set an intention. I did this by literally talking to myself, and this is what I said: I choose to have a greater love than I have ever imagined with a real man in this lifetime and I choose for our relationship to be exceptionally magnificent. I choose for it to last. I choose to be successful at the work I came to do in this world and I choose for all of my choices to be in alignment with what is good and best for me and all parties involved. My life is a reflection of Divine Alignment and I only welcome people and circumstances that support this Truth. I create only good in my life”. I set this huge and wonderful intention this morning. I made this choice.
You see, I had been choosing other things subconsciously. Maybe I learned to be sad from someone a long time ago and it was just normal to me. I’m sure at some early point in life I learned all kinds of bad things about men and then I just kept validating my beliefs in my personal life by picking unavailable men who weren’t really compatible with me. I went to school and got fancy degrees, but deep down, I had been choosing poverty by not using my knowledge to better my financial situation… You get the point. I had been floating around creating an ugly life without even realizing it. I had to sit down and decide now to create something different. I had to get deep with it, because the life I had created thus far came from a deep place. So, I’m getting down to the nitty gritty, and I’m loving it because I am getting to experience so much in life.
You don’t have to plan to change the world. You can start with something small. Something more on the surface, like setting an intention to say good morning to your kids every day in an effort to build closeness, or deciding to brush your teeth at night before you go to bed to help induce self-love. You can choose to cook one meal a day instead of eating out in order to save money. But whatever is, just do something. On purpose. Do something good for yourself on purpose…. Let’s change our lives.
Day 84
Set A Clear Intention
I’m up early, and I just deleted an entire entry so that I could start over and write from the heart. Good morning. Happy New Year. The sun is just rising on this part of the world. I’m sitting up on my bed typing on my laptop and feeling like my heart is about to burst open. It’s a new day.
Life always changes in a day. Someone is born. Someone dies. Someone gets pregnant or starts a new job. Someone moves to a new place, breaks up or starts a new relationship. Someone learns how to do the splits or passes a test and starts believing that anything is possible. A baby takes her first step in one day and someone’s “big break” happens in one instance… It’s a new day and I am embracing all of the miracles that are in it today. Of course change happens long before we see it on the surface. Some plants grow for months before we see the first stem shoot from the ground and there are sequences of events that all lead to the final point where we can visually see the effects of our efforts, but even those things happen in a day, and another day, and another day.
I spent New Years with friends and family. I wasn’t going to. I was going to sit in my “room-cave” and lazily watch internet TV, but as I was sitting there, I engaged in a few telephone exchanges that made me so upset that I had to get out of the house. So I went to my spiritual center, and I’m glad I did, because the happy people, the dancing, the praying, and the environment put me in a mood to start this year out different, inspired, sharing and amongst friends and family.
I am grateful this morning. I get to live. Oh, I know. For some people life doesn’t mean that much. We are bored and uninspired. We are in relationships that break our hearts or we are not with a person that we thought would make our hearts come alive. We are poor and unable to get the things we think we want and pay off all of these bills and debts or we are too afraid or discouraged to go for our dreams. We are lonely or confused and we are in situations where, try as we may, we don’t know how to get out of them. I know… Trust me, I know that life can look really glum and sometimes having another day doesn’t invoke a mood of celebration.
But there is something to celebrate about. I know this, too. Because in this day, in between the rising and the setting of the sun, you can plant a seed, any kind of seed you want, and as long as you water it, give it enough light, and pull out the weeds from time to time, it will grow. How exciting is that? You can plant a seed of prosperity and you won’t see it blossom today, but if you tend to it, you will find that your life slowly comes in order. You can plant a seed of Love and find yourself ending toxic ties that have lasted years and embracing new Love. In a day, change begins… And you don’t have to wait until you see the change manifest to celebrate about it. It’s going to happen. It’s Law. Look at any garden. Look at nature. Look at people who lose weight, people who get well, people who change their lives. It’s law. Plant a seed, cultivate it, pull out the weeds, and it will grow.
My new year’s resolution is a daily practice. Every day is a new year, and I resolve to continue cultivating the garden of my life until I can see the fruit of my labors manifest and then I resolve to plant new seeds…
Life is blossoming, even in this new day, but you don’t need to see the flowers to start singing. You can start celebrating now for the life that is already growing, for the new day that you already have. You can start the party now…
Day 83
Celebrate
Many things and nothing floating through my head. I used to wish I didn’t think so much. For many of my adolescent years, I actually tried not to be so “deep” so that I could fit in, but it doesn’t work. I’m just not a surface dweller. Deepness suits me well…
Not quite sure of what I feel or think today. Nothing, really. Brand new again. This is different. Let’s start at the very beginning, as Fraulein Maria said on Sound of Music. A very good place to start.
What are we doing here, in this world, on this Earth? Don’t tell me. I know you know. Trying to work our way to Heaven? Lose weight? Be anti-bored? Make some money? Be happy? Make somebody proud? Just get out of the mud? Be connected to something, anything??? What are we really doing here? What wakes us up every day? People have been trying to answer this question from the beginning of time and the truly committed ones have come up with much more profound answers than I can offer. I think most of us think the question is too deep, so we just do what we can to make it through the day, find something to distract us: some children to tend, a job, a love that we dive into with all of ourselves (or not). But at the end of the day (or maybe 50 years later), the question comes up again. What are we doing here?
I spent a lot of time here in my apartment this past week, on the bed. Relapse? I don’t think so. I didn’t really feel like crying that much or doing anything destructive, but I didn’t feel like doing my usual stuff either, writing, working, self-improvement, etc. I had lost my motivation, and the question came up in my mind, “What am I doing here?” It was so random. Prior to that moment, things in my life had been making sense for a good six months, and then suddenly, nothing made sense. I guess my breakup probably had something to do with it. There was and is this spaciousness in my heart and my body, even in my mind, the release of something that had constantly been with me, and with that openness comes choice. What do you do next?
I can see other people so clearly and tell you that this particular person is sticking around on Earth because he wants to prove to his momma that he’s worth *hit. This one feels an obligation to her children and that keeps her ticking, and this one dreams of the day that he can be successful and show the world that he’s not a failure, and that gets him up in the morning. What about me?
It used to be my momma. I wanted to prove that I could “be something”, whatever that means, but not so much anymore. I’ve already “been something” and while it felt good to have a bunch of money and be able to do stuff, it didn’t feed the deeper parts of me… I have changed and what moves me has changed as well. So, I am stepping out of myself so I can see myself more clearly… Let’s see. She (me) wants to know that these things in fairy books are real. The Joy, the Love, the Aliveness, the Goodness, the Soulful connections. She believes that they are more than stories and so she lives to see them, to show others that they are real. Sure, career, money, etc… That’s just a part of it. She lives to Live, and so she must do what makes her come alive…
I am learning that I can be my own teacher, my own student, my own healer, and my own lover (well, not like that, but you know what I’m saying). I am amazed at how easy life is becoming and how quickly I can find clarity and I am so thankful to know that at any given moment you can choose. You can really choose! You can choose to come alive! You might as well. Let’s be honest. We’re gonna’ be here for a while…
Day 82
Do What Makes You Come Alive
I am so thankful for today. The storm is over. The grief is gone. Only a brief memory that it was there remains. It only took four days instead of four months, or four years like it has taken before…
I am laughing, God. I can see my smile. Thank you for this day. I am not alone. I have family and friends and even strangers that I love. Thank you. I even see new people, just across the horizon, bidding me to come and share in this thing called life. So thank you, God, for this day. A real day on the other side of happy.
It is a choice alone, the greatest gift. A choice. To be or not to be. To have or not to have. To give or not to give. To let go or to hold on. I never understood about this thing called free will, but I am understanding it more. Every single minute of every single day, we make a choice, and you, dear God, honor our choices. I have heard it before, but I didn’t really believe it, but as I look at my life, I see that it has always been true, even when my choices have been conflicting. On the outside I have chosen happiness, but on the inside I have chosen to be loyal to a sad past. The strongest choice always prevails….
So today, Lord, I am choosing to have it, All of it. Not in a greedy, selfish way, but in a real way. I am choosing to have it, if it is Your will, and I know it is. I am choosing to have it, not dream it, not want it, not talk about it. I allow myself to have it, the deepest of my deepest heart’s longings. I am choosing for them no longer to be longings, but to be realities. A soul mate. God, you know what that means. Purposeful work. A clear conscience. Love and light. The fulfillment of my destiny on Earth. I am choosing to have it all, God. Continuous guidance and the wisdom and strength to walk in the direction in which I am guided.
I choose to have it, God. I give myself permission, I give You permission, to have a Divine life. I choose to have it. I choose to have it now. Ameen.
Day 81
Have It
Yesterday was one of those days. It’s 2:30 in the morning, and I slept most of the day yesterday, so I’m up for the day now.
I was trying to avoid the words…. Words, thoughts, ideas, kept flooding my mind and I couldn’t get rid of them. I was looking for some peace, so I went to sleep, but the words kept coming in the forms of dreams and visions… It occurred to me how integral words have been to my existence, a constant companion in my mind, in my writings, in my readings… It seems that they have been a part of me as long as I can remember. I wonder if there are people who don’t think in words, but in pictures rather, or sounds or smells or insights. Of course there are.
So it occurred to me this morning, that sometimes we lump words together but they don’t mean the same thing. Depression, sadness, grief, self-pity, loneliness and despair are all very different concepts. When I started this blog almost five months ago, I was experiencing depression and sadness. Yesterday I experienced grief and I am still experiencing a bit of it as I write. I don’t want to talk about it, but I will, because that’s why I started this blog in the first place, so I could talk about stuff. I want to talk about happy stuff, but the funny thing is, this grief doesn’t feel un-happy, like sadness. It feels like grief. It’s different.
Yesterday my heart busted open. I mean really busted open. It’s been a while since I have cried out loud like a baby, but yesterday I let it rain. I figured if I had all that grief in me, I might as well let it out, rather than hold it in and wait for a heart attack. I had broken up with Dream Lover again. I know, you might be asking “Didn’t she already break up with him some time ago???” Yes, I did. Anyone who has ever broken up with anyone they love knows that the breakup usually doesn’t happen when the breakup happens. It’s mostly months before or months (or years) after that a person comes to terms with the fact that no, I will never ever ever ever be with you again in that way… So yesterday, about four months after I told Dream Lover to leave me the *uck alone, he exited my heart, kicking and screaming and finally letting go. This is what happened.
I woke up feeling, well, inspired. Thoughts and words were just flooding my mind and spirit before I could open my eyes and Dream Lover was at the forefront of them all. I recognized that, try as I had to divorce him from my consciousness, he had still remained a constant presence in the back of all things. “What if he actually shows up and is the man of my dreams like he said he was? What if he changes and starts being nice to me again like he used to be? Maybe I could have done something different. What if I get with someone else? I’m tired of getting with someone else and want to work through things and stick with someone for once in my life. How could it be possible for two people to feel this strongly towards each other and not be together? How could we be so dumb? Why can’t we just get over ourselves?” One or more of these thoughts seemed to have been a constant presence in my subconscious mind for quite some time and yesterday morning, I acknowledged them all. I didn’t really know what to do with them. They seemed to be holding my heart and mind hostage. And so I politely excused myself from my mind and appealed to a higher Power, the Spirit.
This link between us was not formed by my thoughts (although it was maintained for so long by my unwillingness to let it go) so I quit trying to talk myself into getting over him. Feeling inspired, I sent Dream Lover a text and asked if he would please let me go. Depart. Unhook himself from these inner places in me. I told him I felt incapable of doing it on my own. He called me immediately, angry. He told me how I couldn’t possibly love him because I cuss him out and dump him from time to time, and we started to argue, but then I decided that I didn’t want to do that. I asked him if he was going to let me go, and he politely told me, “no”. I was shocked and amazed. He then went on to tell me how he was going to be here “soon” and how I should wait for him. Now, mind you, this is a man who travels all over the world often and has people come and visit him from all over the world often, even people from the city I live in. He has been saying he will be here “soon” for almost a year and a half in our on-and-off relationship now. I know what you may be thinking. Stupid me. I know…
So, I told him “whatever” and got off the phone with him, still in a daze. I distracted myself with food and some other things, did one of the tasks on my “to-do” list, and then retreated to my bed. I thought of all the women I know. One of them, someone very close to me, is going through a divorce right now. She asked for the divorce about a year ago, but the man refused to sign the papers. He refused to be nice to her or act like her husband either, but he refused to let her go, and so she just sits in limbo. I saw her in my mind’s eye, how broken she had become in the past year, and I weeped for her. I weeped for myself because I was her, and I weeped for her husband and my Dream Lover because… well, because they are too blind to weep for themselves.
I asked God if He could please handle this situation, because it was too much for me and I had been doing so well I didn’t want to fall into a deep, dark depression or close my heart or get stuck anymore. I was OK with keeping Dream Lover. I was OK with letting him go. I was OK with whatever may come, so long as it meant progress and not regression… And somewhere, in the midst of my crying, my heart busted open, and I just let it. It kind of hurt at first, like somebody squeezing it, and then the pain stopped and it felt like a release. I can liken it to having a splinter removed. When you first get the splinter it hurts really bad, but then after it’s in you for a while, you just get used to the pain and it becomes normal. Then when someone yanks it out, it really hurts for a moment and then you just feel space. You remember that there was a lot of pain there just now, but now the space just feels like, well, space… Like someone did some acupuncture on me and blood is flowing in places where it wasn’t before.
I don’t feel good about it. I don’t feel sad about it or crippled or depressed. I don’t even feel like teaching him a lesson or finding a rebound band-aid man, because nothing really hurts. It just feels like something I had gotten used to is gone now, like my dad dying. It’s over. So you cry and you cry and you cry and then one day you don’t. I used to try not to cry, but that doesn’t work. The grief is gonna hit you one of these days, so you might as well let it happen sooner than later.
So, here’s to life! Let it rain…
Day 80
Let It Rain
-Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise
For even breaking is opening
And I am broken
I am open
See the love shine in through my cracks
See the light shine out from me
My spirit takes journey
My spirit takes flight
And I am not running
I am choosing
I am broken
I am broken open
Breaking is freeing
Broken is freedom
I am not broken
I am free
– from the movie Pariah
Blog off. Thoughts off. Something not quite centered. Going in. Closing eyes… Lazy day, but i like it. Just doing nothing is good sometimes. Stop the wheels. Reevaluate. Going in the right direction? Check. Places for improvement? Clean house. Big heart full of love. When can I give it away? Soon. But that’s what Dream Lover used to say, soon. He was right. But when is soon? Soon…
Sigh… OK. Having a conversation with myself.
What can I do to distract myself today? I have already exhausted the internet, the bed, and the telephone.
-Why do you want to distract yourself? What are you afraid of?
All this new stuff. The work never ends.
-Yes. It never ends either way.
I could move to the country and fish and farm all day.
-When will you stop running? What are you running from?
I don’t know. One day everything makes sense and then it doesn’t and I have to learn myself all over again and the world looks different, you know? And I’ve been looking for someone to save me for a long time, but I’m always the one doing all the saving and I don’t even know what I need saving from. I guess I’m just looking for someone to tell me that everything is going to be all right, but not just anyone. I’m looking for someone who is all right to tell me everything is going to be all right, that way I will actually believe them…
You say there is no savior coming. They are all dead. I can read their books and talk to them in spirit if I like, but these are the times when I have to save myself. How?
-Well again, I ask, what do you need saving from?
Nothing… I have green juice in the fridge and a full belly, I know. I have family and friends that I am close to, I know. I have an able body and mind, I know. My heart is almost completely clean, I know. But I’m tired. I’d like to take a break from life and go to sleep and wake up to a clean house that smells good and a hot man cooking in the kitchen. I’d like my books to already be published and maybe even to have a little baby running around somewhere. I’d like to have so much money that all I do is give it away… I’d just like to be there all the way already.
I read my past blogs, and I can’t believe I’ve come so far. I see women and men walking around in so much pain, as much pain as I was in not too long ago and more. There are so many things I don’t understand. Can I just vent for a minute, God? Yes, You say, but not too long. LOL. OK…
-Listen. The in-between is never easy. Look at teenagers. You are not yet who you are to be and yet you are no longer who you used to be. Life might be pimply and you may go through hormonal extremes and you may get bored and antsy. But sooner than later, you become the thing that you were growing towards. You have chosen to Live a certain way, to be your complete self and give your all before it’s all said and done, but you can stop anytime. Just understand that when you stop, you stop. And when you go, you go. What a gift you have, to be able to choose. How lucky you are to realize that you have a choice. So now, my Dear, choose to Trust Me and be Patient. You are on the right Path. Just be Patient…
Day 79
Patience
