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Day 72 – Careful With Your Heart

November 21, 2011

I’m single again. I mean single, single. I haven’t been this single since I was ten years old, and I might have even been a little more involved then. At least I used to fantasize about growing up and marrying one of the pop singers of the time…

I’m off today and wanted to do something different, so I’m sitting in Starbucks and wanted to do some work from here, but my stomach is really, really cramping and there’s an old man with shades and a zoot suit who is sitting by me and he keeps staring at me and it seems like he might plan on being here all day (given his lunch box, the honey he brought from home, and his little duffle bag). It’s depressing, so I think I’ll change locations after I write this blog.

I had a very eventful weekend. A popular singer gave a concert at my spiritual center and I got to see her up close and personal. She was refreshingly talented, simple, and beautiful. I didn’t give her my song, though. I just didn’t do it. Another day. Another way… I cussed out Dream Lover. Well actually I texted him out, since he didn’t answer my ten phone calls. Pathetic, I know. It took me this long to realize that he has absolutely no interest in being there for me, honoring me, treating me with any kind of compassion or kindness, being considerate of me, opening himself up or sharing his life with me, making me important to him, or protecting or supporting me. In fact, I don’t even think he likes me. Well, maybe he does ‘cus he just can’t help himself, but he tries not to like me nonetheless… So, I sent him some text messages telling him exactly what I thought about him, since he wouldn’t answer my phone calls even though he was supposed to call me a week ago to plan our out of country trip. Sorry for lamenting. I just need to vent a bit… He’s done this kind of thing before… I sent him a text message telling him how horrible he is and I added some curse words just so he wouldn’t be tempted to call me and put his word spell on me again.

Then I cried. Not on the outside, but on the inside. Because this is goodbye for real. I felt him leave my heart. He just fell off, like an extra layer of skin that falls off after a scab heals. I don’t even know where he went, but I know he’s gone, and it feels a little empty. He had become a familiar presence in my consciousness. Then this morning, one of my exes told me in so many ways that he was moving on with his life. I mean, I had no intentions of being his woman again, but I had become used to him flirting with me and wanting me. It’s good that he’s moving on, but he was the last one standing. My hot young thang is ignoring me even though he spies on me on Facebook all the time, and I had already had closure with all my other exes…

So this morning as a soft jazz tune about love plays in this corner coffee shop, I am feeling loveless. Something went wrong a long time ago. Seriously. I haven’t had  a love to last in a long, long time. I can blame the guys. They weren’t this, that or the other. They cheated or weren’t forthright. They didn’t do what they said they would do or they weren’t there for me after opening their big fat mouths and speaking words of Love and commitment. Sure, they did all that. But I have to take a good look at myself… I let them do the things they did. Over and over again. I gave my heart to people whose homes I had never even seen, whose parents I had never met. I put myself at risk with men I didn’t trust, and I believed in the fairytales that they had about themselves for no other reason than this: I wanted to be Loved. I wanted so badly to have a person, to be a part of a thing, that nothing else mattered… And it’s OK. I forgive myself. Just keeping it real. You can call me whatever you want or judge me if it makes you feel better about yourself. It’s all right. These things happen.

We don’t always realize what we are doing to ourselves, how we are creating our own hell. The blessing comes when you can open your eyes and finally see clearly what you have been doing. And for this I am thankful. It’s scary. I’m not going to lie. It’s scary to let go of a thing, of a connection, when you don’t know when or where or if you will ever feel close to someone again, especially if you are a loving person like me… I have often run into random people who call themselves psychics, mystics, seers, etc, who want to tell me about my life. I remember a long time ago, I ran into this man. He told me that I was going to help a lot of people, and he told me that I was going to have to go through a lot of pain so that I would be able to understand the people I was trying to help and reach them and talk to them… I’m thinking about what he said, and right now, I feel fully qualified! I don’t need anymore training. I have had enough heartbreak and pain to last a lifetime and I can talk to them now. I can help.

And what I have to say is something Tracy Chapman said a long time ago. Be careful. Be careful with your heart, especially you big, beautiful, sensitive beings. It’s all you’ve got. You’re going to need it for your children. You’re going to need it for your life’s work. You’re going to need it to keep from going crazy, and you have to keep it well if you don’t want to cry every day or drink everyday or play X-Box and watch TV until you are numb. You need your heart, so cherish it. Stand up for it, protect it, nurture it, open it to the ones who intend to keep it safe and let it live. And be careful with the hearts of others. We can stop the cycles of pain upon pain upon pain. We can Love each other. There are so many people who just want to love each other. The minute you decide that you want to Love yourself, you will find them. I know this. You will run into others who are also careful…

So, although I feel a little sad, I am thankful to be reminded that “I is kind, I is smart, and I is important”.  I am thankful to be able to see that I have created war in my life for long enough. I am thankful to know that I can change and it’s not going to be that hard. I am thankful to still have Love in my heart.

Ameen.

Day 72

Careful With Your Heart

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From → How To Blossom

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