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Day 78 – Honor Your Past

December 16, 2011

I have been out of my cocoon for the past week or so and I have been busy going places, parties, plays, dates, working on gigs with different groups of people. I feel like an outsider looking in on life. I am a brand new butterfly and life and people seem so much different from this perspective. I have grown a lot since starting this blog, and some of the people I knew before have grown as well, but everyone hasn’t, and some have grown in different directions than me, and now I am wondering where do I belong…

You see, a butterfly and a caterpillar have two completely different world views. Can you imagine? Caterpillars move so slowly. They are always down and the world is big and unattainable from their perspective. They are eaten by bigger predators and their silk is used by other species, and they are more concerned with trying to survive and finding food than anything else. How do they cope, then, when they become butterflies, beautiful and majestic, moving quickly, the whole world their canvass? Survival is no longer an issue because they need only fly a short while to find their needs met and now their world is about giving. I wonder if they go back and mingle with their caterpillar friends or do they fly far far away with the other butterflies. I always seem to see them when I am feeling most down and they brighten up my days. So their life has changed. Their world has changed, or transformed rather.

All caterpillars who live long enough become butterflies at some point. As humans, I think it’s a little different and our evolution is a function of our choice. We have to choose to be butterflies or we at least have to decide that we no longer want to be caterpillars before things change…

This part of the blog is supposed to be happy and about blossoming and stuff, but it’s not always that way. I’m not going to lie, life as a butterfly is much different than life as a caterpillar. I think the greatest difference is that even in moments of sadness, you still realize that greater things exist.  But I still have my moments.

Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown, maybe two. I worked a gig in entertainment land and ended up being partnered with a middle aged man who was very unhappy with his life. I have a tendency to be too empathetic, and I soaked up all of his feelings of despair and disappointment and desperation, and I even got a bit of bitterness too. By the end of the day, I was drained. Then, on the drive home, I started thinking about my life, and all of the people I have known. Even though I am quiet and shy, or maybe because  I can be quiet and shy, people have a tendency to trust me with the deeper secrets of their lives. And so I thought about all of my relationships, past and present. I thought about the new life that is becoming me, and I felt guilty about leaving some people behind, people I was close to, people I loved, and people who loved me. I mean, I didn’t leave them behind, per say, but I left their lives. They didn’t want to fly with me or maybe they couldn’t fly even though they wanted to because they thought it was too hard or whatever the case was, they are still on the other side, and try as I may, I can not bring them to where I am and I can not stay where they are. Yet I feel compelled to hold on to these people who loved me before I even Loved myself, who shared the simple things in life with me, like food and kind words, these people who championed me even though they did not believe in their own flight. They are a part of me as well. I am a part of them. We are a part of each other, all of us.

So this is a new learning point for me. My new life calls me and I can’t hold on to the old and step into the new at the same time, yet I feel obliged to hold on to the past out of respect for what certain people have done for me in my life and how deeply we have connected… I imagine that anyone endeavoring to create a greater life will encounter these feelings of guilt and betrayal, and sometimes the loyalty is so strong that we will sacrifice the possibility of a better life because we don’t want the people from our past to feel like we are leaving them… But you can’t let a new love into your heart if you are trying to hold on to the promise that you made to your ex that you will always put them first. You can’t fly into new territory if you are stuck on keeping that commitment to your best friend (mother, mate, sibling) that you both will always do everything together and your person doesn’t want to fly… Solution? I’m still working on it, but I think there is a way to honor your past and move forward with grace. Let people know how much they meant to you and why you are taking the actions you are taking. God will give you the words, and the ones who Love you will understand…

Day 78

Honor Your Past

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From → How To Blossom

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