My heart is open and I am no longer surprised when miracles happen…
Yesterday was quite amazing. Met with a very famous artist about illustrating my children’s book. HE’S GOING TO WORK WITH ME!!! When I came in the meeting room, he offered me some green juice! I knew it was going to be a great meeting after that. It was more than great. A publishing deal is coming soon, and I know the timing is only a function of my effort.
I know I have the talent. Of course I’m not the best at my craft yet. I may never be the best at my craft, but I am a lot better than some people who are much more financially successful than me, and I’ll only get better and better as I keep practicing….
This trip has been wonderful so far. In two days I made so many connections, got advice and leads that would have cost me hundreds of dollars, and even made friends! Female friends!!! I like New York now and I’m no longer scared to come back here on my own. I’m no longer scared to go anywhere on my own, in fact.
I am learning to be myself even outside of my comfort zone in my room and finding the world to be a very exciting place full of opportunity. I’ve got some social things to do today. Business is done and now we play.
Something dawned on me the other night. I was in the midst of freaking out and I called a friend who suggested that I say my prayers. I didn’t want to pray on these wood floors, so he suggested praying on the bed, and I did. I spent a long time praying and meditating until I could bring myself to a place where I felt at peace and unafraid. Then I was able to do some work and prep for my meeting.
During my prayers, I came to something. The way you can live with no regrets. You have to give your all. Sometimes things may not work out the way you intended, but it is much better to say “I tried my best. I gave my all and things just didn’t work” than to sit around wondering what could have and may have happened.
I have been trying and my life has just been getting better and better. The more I give of myself, the more I receive and the more I realize that we humans are a resilient species. I am beyond motivated and now able to take the next steps to get my writings into the world, and I think it’s going to be easy.
The meeting I had yesterday was with a very prominent public figure. He was so down-to-earth and helpful, yet smart and successful. He made me realize that I can be successful and still be a cool human being. It was nice to see that.
I’m not even going to speak on my man life. Let’s just say the tides have turned. I have decided to honor and respect myself, and I’ve also decided to show love and care when I feel compelled and the response from men has been overwhelming. I no longer have dysfunctional relationships. Men are nice to me these days and the mean ones just disappear and I gladly let them go… I don’t think it will be too long before I have a husband. I can actually imagine that now: a life where I am doing the work that I have been Divinely inspired to do and where I also have a wonderful man by my side and some babies. Wow. Babies. That’s another thought…
So here’s to a day of wonder! Here’s to a day of honesty, integrity and love, a day of putting forth effort in the direction of what is good for me and all involved with me. Here is to forgiveness, growth, a clean heart, and acceptance. Here is to living life today! No regrets…
Day 94
No Regrets
Just a little over 24 hours in New York. It’s cold. My eyes are tripping out. I have really sensitive eyes and it’s windy over here and something blew in my eyes and now they are all red and watery…. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!
Frustrated. Stayed in a really fancy hotel in Times Square last night and am now downgraded to a room about a quarter of the size of the suite I was in last night (and it’s only $15 dollars cheaper!!!). Long story, but already paid for the rest of the nights in this room and can’t get out of it, and on top of that, they charged my card and held a bunch of my money for “incidentals” so now I’m on a very very tight budget and I have to find cheap food to eat…
Let me see what I can do because I am sinking fast here in this little dark box. OMG. The hotel is supposed to be upscale modern artsy and they got it right in the lobby, but in the room??? AAAAAAAAGHHHHH! There are two walls parallel to each other and both of them have mirrors. So if you open your eyes and sit on the bed or the desk, you are forced to look at two reflective mirrors that just reflect themselves over and over into infinity. And it’s so dark in here, like a lounge!!! Lord help me…
Maybe I am a bit of a drama queen, but I have to get out of here to get some work done. This is just not working…
Man. I’m gonna’ be honest. Today was freaking hard! I had a meeting with an agent today. This was actually not on my plan before I headed out here, so I was excited to get this meeting. She gave me a lot of good information, but she was not bouncing off the walls trying to represent me. I’m supposed to be sending her my work by tomorrow… Rejection or the fear of it is no joke. All this money, all this time and energy put into this, all the sacrifices and there is the possibility that it may never amount to anything. And if it doesn’t, then what will I do with myself? Get some job with a fancy title? Sigh…
Sorry. Inner strength and inspiration are kaput at the moment. Self-pity and fear seem to be taking over and inner strength is too discouraged to intervene. Mind says something has to be done. Heart is silent… Spirit is silent. Looking for a savior but they say I’m too strong and I don’t need saving… Want to say my prayers but these wood floors are not comfy…
Big meeting tomorrow… Maybe I can move this desk to the other wall so I don’t have to get a headache from looking at these mirrors… What to do God when I don’t know what to do? I have to do something. I’m already here. Should I try to escape this hotel and spend my last dime to go back to the fancy one?
-No. Just do your work. Take that lady’s advice. Submit your script to her and contact the agents she recommended. Just do your work. I didn’t say this was going to be easy. You wanted to step out of your comfort zone, right? You wanted to grow. So just do your work. You don’t have to psyche yourself up or even feel good about it. This time start from the outside, OK? Don’t worry about motivation and feelings. Don’t worry about whether you will be a failure and wasting time or money. Go get some water. Move the desk. Find a group and go running in the morning. Go through your scripts and turn something in before you go to sleep. Just turn it in. It’s good already, OK? I know, the fine New York men are getting to you. You want one but don’t even know which direction to go when it comes to men. Don’t worry about it, OK? Just don’t worry about it, OK? Do the work, keep yourself open and see what happens. Don’t quit now. Give me a chance to make good on My promise. I told you that you are blessed beyond your fondest dreams. Finish what you started and see what happens…
My dear child. Let’s have a moment of silence… What good can come from this situation?
-I have to get out of the room. LOL. I’m being smoked out.
OK. And what good can come from that?
-I can find a place to write and I might meet some cool people.
OK. So let’s start there. Get out of your room. Find some cheap food for your body. Find a place to pray that has carpet like you like. And stop crying. Life is easy, remember? If you could see where it all ends, you would be laughing at this moment. Life is easy. Remember.
Day 93
Life Is Easy
I’m on a plane, on the first half of my trip to New York. I’m going to New York for a bit. I have a few professional meetings about my writing.
You don’t understand how big this is for me. This is the first time that I am actually meeting with people who are currently working in my industry and presenting my work with the intention that these meetings will move my work from words on a page to books, movies and other completed works. I am going on a plane to meet with some influential people who just might help me bring the things that have been inside of me out into the world! Me. The little poor girl that people used to tease because I didn’t talk like everyone else, the one who always got picked last (or almost last) for almost every sport. This is the ugly chic that boys used to make fun of, the one who thought that the world was such a bad and sad place.
I am going to the Big Apple and the lady is telling me to put my computer away, so I will write more on the next flight. Thank you God.
Back on the plane. Second flight. Next stop New York. Something interesting happened in between flights. Before I got on the first plane, I sent a text to my fam and close friends letting them know I was on my way to New York. When I checked the responses, I got “congrats”, “good luck”, “do a good job” and “be careful. That city can be a dangerous place.” Mostly encouraging comments and one seed of fear, and guess which one sticks in my head?
Yes, New York can be dangerous, dark and lonely and I’m not even upset with that person for bringing it to my attention and I would be an idiot if I didn’t consider that. It’s true . But New York can also be safe, full of light and opportunity and filled with close relationships. This is true as well. But that discouraging comment is the one that stuck, feeding into the fears that I already have.
Your perspective colors everything, and so I choose to change my mind, God. I choose to change my mind and see the good in this situation. I choose for faith, conviction and the knowledge that life is good and very good to color my steps. No longer will worry, doubt and fear be my companions. I am evicting them for good once and for all. God, please help me to know that this life is a good life. Help me to see that love and kindness and fulfillment are my lot in life. This is what I am choosing and I am choosing with all of me. Guide my footsteps that they may walk in the direction of the fulfillment of my destiny. Take my hands that they may write the words and give and receive the things that you inspire. Open my eyes that they see clearly. Tune my ears that they hear the truth. Change my mind Lord. This time for good. Change my heart, God for real. Open my spirit.
I know that it is possible. I know it is. I have seen miracles upon miracles in my life and lives of others already. And so I accept. I accept the change that has already taken place before I asked for it. I accept the blessings, God. I allow myself to be the blessings. I stand and I walk and I talk and I be a Daughter of Yours. I stand with the conviction that the Most High Creator of the Wind is for me and not against me. I am made of the stuff of the Mover of Mountains. I am worthy of the very best in life, the greatest that life has to offer. Me. I am worthy of the fulfillment of my heart’s greatest desire. In fact, my heart’s greatest desire is the calling of my soul, and The One who placed the calling will provide a way to fulfill it. God is for me and not against me. God is for me and not against me. God is for me and not against me.
And I accept. Today I accept. This time and forever more, I accept. Ameen.
My flight is landing. Time to go. Start spreading the news…
Day 92
Choose Another Perspective
It’s before the sunrise again. I’m supposed to meet up with someone to go running and I’m actually going to try to be on time, so this one won’t be long.
God, I would like to say Thank you. Small miracles are happening daily. Yesterday, shortly after writing my blog, I sent my almost-friend who had been avoiding me a facebook letting him know how I felt about his behavior. I tried hard not to curse at him (and I succeeded) and just be honest about my feelings. About five minutes after pushing the send button, he called me. It was the first time he’s ever called me. His voice was rich and deep and he was completely apologetic. I sat on the other side of the phone in shock and gratitude. Here I was thinking my words would push him away for good, but instead, my honesty brought him closer.
This is new to me. I am being myself with people and instead of running away, they are coming closer. My mind says, wow. I can actually be my real self and people I like could possibly like me too. What a phenomenon.
So today I am expecting a miracle again. I’m a bit apprehensive about running because I don’t want to faint or get sick, but I’m going to just breathe and allow myself to go farther still. It’s becoming normal. I am becoming stronger and pushing past my limits doesn’t seem as frightening as it used to. I think it’s because deep down I know I can do it and I won’t die. That’s the thing about all these theories and philosophies. You have to practice and experiment and then you find them to be true or untrue. When you find a truth, you can plant it in yourself and it becomes your life.
So, reader, today this blog is for you. I’d like to give you something because I feel able to give today. How Not to Cry Every Day? How to Blossom? Practice being yourself. I know, some of us are far removed and we don’t even know what that means or who ourselves are. But deep down, we know that there is a place that tells us right and wrong. Friends will tell you one thing, but deep down you know something is or isn’t right. There is a storage unit in our minds where all the unanswered questions live, all the unfulfilled dreams linger. There is something bruised in our consciences where we want to mend a relationship or create one. We want to tell someone sorry or thank you, but we think it isn’t cool. We want to love a bit more, but we are scared. We want to stop doing a thing that isn’t good for us or get over someone. Life is moving and we find ourselves not moving with it, burying ourselves deeper and deeper inside, lying, and coming up with all kinds of fantastic rationalizations as to why we are living the way we are living. Trust me. I know. I know what it feels like to sit around and feel like you are trapped by all of your unfulfilled desires. And I also know that we are all going to die. It’s the only thing people have been able to prove. Pain and discontent doesn’t go away with avoidance and denial. As an old friend used to tell me, wherever you go, there you are.
There is a way to get out of the trap, but you have to practice. It’s a catch 22, I know, but be encouraged. People want to know you. There are people who are looking for exactly what you have. I’ll never forget. Some years ago I was driving a very raggedy old Buick station wagon. No matter where I parked it, it was the raggediest car on the block. I bought it from the auction for $250 because I really needed a car with storage for my job at the time. Long story short, there came a time when I wanted to sell that wagon. Friends told me that I would never sell it and that I should just try and sell the parts. I put an ad online anyway. It couldn’t hurt. A couple weeks later, a young guy came to buy my car for $450. He was in a rap group and it was his first car. He said that he had been looking everywhere for that car and commented on how cool it was. I couldn’t believe it, but I took the money!
As you practice being yourself, people might reject you initially. In fact, the people who know you to be someone else probably will. You are changing and they are not. It makes folks uneasy and it challenges them. Your growth challenges others to look at their own life, and that’s OK. Sooner than later, you will find one, or most likely some who appreciate you for exactly who you are. Someone will commend you on your bravery. Someone will thank you for being brave enough to tell the truth and take a stand for what you believe. Someone will say that you help them to be more comfortable being themselves, and you will find that you are OK.
We are OK. Just the way we are.
Day 91
Practice Being Yourself
We’ll try again today. I’m sorry. I didn’t write yesterday like I said I would. Yesterday was kind of tough. Joined a fancy writing organization and went to their first meeting of the year only to find that no one else showed up (except for the one guy who invited me to the meeting). Been trying to connect with someone that I wanted to give something to and that person has been avoiding me yet inviting me. My almost-son failed many of his classes last semester, so I came up with a new plan to try and help him pass, but I know his father is not going to execute it… Finally, I’ve been checking out this new yoga place and decided to go to one their classes that were above beginners level (beginning level was kind of easy for me) only to find that the next level up was kicking my butt. I think I hurt something in my body…
So by the time I got home yesterday I was feeling kind of frumpy. I went to sleep because that’s what I do when I’m feeling down. The thing about going to sleep in order to avoid your problems is that, alas, you must wake up eventually. So here I am. Awake. I woke up before the sun today, but I only just now got off the bed and the sun is already out.
Disappointed. That’s how I’m feeling. I was looking forward to working with the writing organization but they were not what I thought they would be. I was looking forward to connecting with that individual. I was looking forward to helping my almost-son and finding a yoga home that was going to challenge me but not break me, and none of those things happened. So, as I start my day today, I have to ask myself what to do when things don’t go your way. Do something else? Cry? Keep pushing and try to make your original plan work out? Rationalize it and say that it’s all for the best? How come one day can be so surprisingly good and then the next is completely disheartening?
This is where I’m at this morning. I have come out into the world, and I see that everyone out in the world is not like me. You know, since I started writing this blog, I had ended a lot of my former relationships and only surrounded myself with a handful of nurturing, progressive types, and so I had begun to believe that the whole world was like that. But it’s not. So now I’m wondering, moving forward, should I only make friends and associate with people who are better off than me, or at least on my level, or should I hang out with the folks who are still functioning in the land of manipulation, dishonesty, hurt, fear, etc.?
I think there is a balance. If I hang out with people with issues too long, I will inevitably go back to being depressed. I’m way sensitive and I can’t take a lot of disappointment and lies. On the other hand, if my whole social circle is made up of only happy, progressive types, I will start to have a skewed perception of the world and really, I think it will make me get out of touch with the very people I am trying to help.
I love this blog. It helps me to sort out my thoughts. I know what to do now. I will find more happy people to be around. Look, I’m still in the recovery stage. Like that yoga class, even though I have moved out of level one, I know that I am not quite at the next phase up yet. So, I’ll spend more time with the folks and ideas that nurture me and I will still expose myself to other things. Not too much drama, though, and nothing too close to my heart. I’m not ready for all that yet. But a little at a time. I’ll check up on my almost-son from a distance and offer what I can. I’ll work on my writing on my own and go to the next group meeting. Maybe I will help them get back organized. It’s OK. I’ll continue to take the level one yoga classes until I have mastered them and couple that with some really challenging running, and I’ll let that individual know how I feel about his behavior and then leave that to God.
I’m doing OK. Life is a give and take. So you give, and you take…
xoxo
Day 90
Balance
So today was really different than most of my days. I didn’t do too much. I had an early am appointment and then I spent the rest of the day with a friend, not doing much at all but talking and lazing around…
I’m happy, God. It came to my attention that there is more to life than work, career and self development. There is love, and that’s important too. Today I indulged in honest dialogue and openness. Somebody was nice to me and I was nice to him, with no hidden agendas or manipulation involved. The energy dynamic was clean.
It came to my attention that in all of my visions and prayers about the future and the life I would like to create, there is a lot of stuff about work and what I’d like to do in the world, but I don’t meditate much about a man or a family. I mean, I spend a lot of time trying to get over some man or the other that has disappeared on me or cheated on me or put some other woman ahead of me, but I haven’t spent much time envisioning myself having a happy, peaceful, trusting relationship and family with someone I Love… There’s always just me in my thoughts of the future, even though I say I’d like a relationship.
So today, I was blessed with a gift of a man who helped plant a seed in my heart and I thought again about the possibility of a family and a husband and just for an instance I thought that I might just be able to have that…
I am like a child being born again and you guys have no idea how wonderful it is to have hope, to remember the things that make you come alive, those things that you have buried so deep that you don’t even know they are there. To remember them, and then to actually think that they are possible again, that is a gift!
And so I know that I am changing, because life is changing.
You smiled at me today. You looked in my eyes and your gaze was so sincere. No holding back, no wanting, no insecurity. You were just you, and you were not afraid. You bought me flowers and didn’t try to get in my pants. You asked how my day was and waited and heard me when I answered. You didn’t say let’s have sex. You didn’t say let’s get married. You said, let’s take it slow. While we are figuring it out, let’s be good to each other. You said let’s be good to each other when you helped me clean up and you opened the door for me. You said let’s be good to each other when you told me the truth about your life and asked me about mine. And you know what? Those words were like manna from Heaven. Better than “I Love you”. Better than “I need you”. Better than all the compliments and any other gift you could have given me. You chose to be good to me and you helped me remember. I know you don’t understand. It just comes natural to you. But you are cleaning my heart out and helping me to remember that men can be good, that Love can be a good thing, that even I can have an actual good thing. So thank you. I’d like to thank you now, while it’s happening. For choosing to be good to me. Thank you so much.
Ameen.
Day 89
Be Good To Someone
It’s 10:36 am. I woke up before the sun today, but I’ve been doing things since and am just now getting a chance to write in my blog.
I’m sitting at a Starbucks about to go to an 11 appointment. Different vibe than sitting in my room. I think it’s about time for me to get out of my room and apartment and see if all these things I’ve been talking about work in the real world. My cocoon will always be there if I need to go back and rejuvenate myself.
This lady just left her purse on the table right by me and asked me to watch it for her while she goes across the street. Really? Hmm… Do I look like I’m not going to steal your purse if you go across the street? I am sitting right by the door. Anyway, I digress.
Life feels like magic today. Don’t ask me why. Nothing particularly magical has happened, except I feel excited. let’s see what happens by the end of the day. So, I don’t have much for you today. I’m committed to writing every day until I hit day 100 from this point forward, so I’m going to write whether or not I feel inspired.
There’s a thought. Create inspiration. We’re always sitting around waiting for something to move us and inspire us. Maybe part of this inspiration starts with our movement. Maybe when we move in spite of our depression or whatever the case may be, we become inspired. I think progress starts both ways, outside in and inside out, but eventually you are going to have to incorporate the two methods… The purse lade is now trying to spy on my computer and see what I am writing. Now she’s chatting nervously with some man. I think they are on a blind date! Hehehe. Humans are great!
I’m having fun. I think being back in the world is going to be quite an exciting ride this go around. Thank you God for letting me see this day, for allowing me to live to see joy for one moment of one day in my life and helping me to be conscious enough to recognize it.
Ameen.
Day 88
Create Inspiration
Good morning. I am up before the sun again. It is becoming a lovely habit. I can have time to rejuvenate and center myself and still start working at sunrise with the rest of the world. My little sister is back and she is her loving, beautiful self again. This vacation did both of us a lot of good…
So shall I tell you what happened yesterday with my experiment in being a blessing? I’m going to share a personal story today and to be honest I have a few reservations about getting personal because people who know me read this blog, but today I’m choosing not to care. I have spent a long time being worried about what people may think and allowing that fear to stop me from doing what I thought was right, but I’m done with that now. Can you imagine? When I was a little girl, people used to tease me and I became so scared of people teasing me or not approving of me that I developed into a shy, reclusive woman, but not anymore! Let them tease if they will. They’re probably all dummies anyway, so there! I’m surprised it took me so long to write about this topic, but today, I’m going a little farther and choosing not to be scared. Oh, of course I feel scared, but I’m choosing not to be scared in spite of my feelings.
I prayed and meditated yesterday and then I wrote in my blog about being a blessing. Then I decided that one of the blessings I was going to give for that day was that I was going to say a prayer for someone. I had met this guy a little while ago. He’s a kind of popular guy in this town and I had done something really weird and asked him if he wanted to pray with me right after our first meeting, without even knowing anything about him. I just felt compelled to pray with him. To make a long story short, he told me yes, but then after a while I didn’t hear from him. I bugged him about it, but no response. I felt a little rejected and sad about it. I saw that other people were taking his attention and I felt like he had just decided to ignore me. That always hurts. So anyway, yesterday, as one of the blessings I was giving, I sent him an email and I let him off the hook. That was me giving forgiveness. In my heart, I forgave him for not keeping his word. It was actually OK. I need to tell you, this is new for me, being able to let people off the hook and not harbor resentment when they disappoint me even if they don’t say sorry or make amends. I’m going to tell you how I did it. I got this exercise from Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life a long time ago.
I imagined him standing on a stage, looking just as fine and happy as he is. Then I imagined the prettiest, happiest, most successful girl that I know. I picked a woman that looks similar to the woman that my first love cheated on me with a long time ago. You know, that woman that we love to hate because we think she’s better than us. So I saw her in my mind and first I blessed her. I told her it was OK if she’s better than me. It’s OK if someone loves her more than they love me. I gave her permission to be fabulous. Then I saw him and I imagined the two of them together. I imagined that they were deeply in love and successful and happy together. I sat with that for a while until the image didn’t incite any negative feelings in me, and then I blessed them and I forgave him. I told him, “I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you be. I forgive you and I set you free.” And it worked. I wasn’t angry with him. I didn’t feel like he owed me something anymore. I gave him permission to be just as fantastic as he is…
Then I went further and sent him an email. I still wanted to pray for him like I had originally been inspired to do. So I sent a very polite email letting him off the hook and in the email, I wrote a prayer for him. Do you know he wrote me back and thanked me for my prayer, saying it was right on time? Then he opened an invitation to connect in person.
Other things happened yesterday, too. I’ve been scared to talk about the good things that happen to me, too, because sometimes I think that people will hate and not like me anymore, but I’m not scared of the haters now, either. I realize that playing small and not acknowledging the greatness of God and the Universe is blasphemy. I don’t tell these things to brag. I tell these things so people will know that life is miraculous and good. So you will see first-hand that anything can happen and I tell them because I’m proud of myself. I’ve been doing a lot of work here… Someone offered to take me on a shopping spree yesterday, I got a phone call from a long-lost friend, and I found out that my travel plans are going to be easier than I thought. I don’t know if these things are a result of my actions. I’m weary of the philosophy that we can control so much in our world, but I don’t think that everything is a coincidence either.
What I do know, though, is that we are blessed beyond our fondest dreams and that as we find the courage to accept our blessings, as we allow ourselves to do what we are being called to do, as we look our fears in the eye and see them for what they are, just limited perceptions about reality, we are able to do more. We are able to be more. We can walk and know that even if we fall, we won’t die. We can put ourselves on the line and know that even if we are rejected, it will only hurt for a little bit.
Soon we will know that the boogeyman is all in our minds. Soon…
Day 87
Don’t Be Scared
Good morning God,
I woke up feeling so good today. I had a nice dream and then my sprite of a sister texted me and woke me up before the sun today. Thank you already for this new day.
The other day I had a dream that I had lost my purse. In the dream, I was getting all worried and then I heard my own voice in the dream. I said to myself, “Wake up. You didn’t lose your purse. This is just a dream.” And I woke up in real life laughing.
Is life like this? A dream that we must wake up from and slowly come to define? Like the Matrix? I know, I’m talking nonsense, but I’m beginning to find that everyone is living in their own dream… Just thinking about how I grew up and where I come from. My family, our view of the world, is so so different than the view of these people in the big city…
So I just wanted to talk to you a bit today, God. You already know what’s going on with me, I know. This morning is different. My heart is open and I’m not feeling sick today. I’m feeling something like a release instead. My new yoga class was great last night… I am finding blessings wherever I go, and Lord I need you to help me to accept them. I’m not used to all this good stuff. “Well get used to it, babe”, You say. “Remember, you are going farther.” My vacation is over, but it has been so sweet, here in my room-cave with my healthy foods and my yoga mat, my books and my music. Can you believe I am becoming a writer and feeling good and stuff? “Yes. It’s about time”. Ha!
OK. So I’m rambling. Do you have anything for me today, God? “Yes, you say. I thought you’d never ask… Be a blessing. On purpose. Give something sweet, something of yourself. Don’t do the easy thing and give some money to a homeless person. Give something special to someone who may not want to accept it. This is how you get over your fear of rejection. This is how you learn to give and follow your dreams. You will find a gift in this practice… I told you I have all the answers, if you will only ask and be patient and faithful. You will have them, your dreams. We both know this. You are doing the work and you are doing a good job. Do you see now? You needed all this. All of this so-called pain and struggle has been a gift. I have been giving you wisdom and strength and you have been calling it pain. What a world!”
So go ahead. Do something good for someone else. Give something. Not out of guilt or obligation. Give something sweet to someone that you really want to give something sweet to and see what happens…
Thank you God. Ameen
Day 86
Be a Blessing
It’s late afternoon. I went for a run early this morning and ended up catching a cold which ended up being a blessing. It kept me home all day, and, unable to sleep, I have been doing some internal work.
I ran with a family member, who runs marathons as a hobby. As we ran the track, I found myself pushing my body further than I normally do. Running is one of my least favorite exercises. In my opinion, it’s boring and I get tired really quickly. But, of all the physical activities that I do, it shakes me up the most. Like, literally of course, but also mentally. My mind trips out, I sweat and itch in places that I don’t even realize exist, I feel stress relief in my shoulders and head, and even my lips feel invigorated.
So, this run today was particularly challenging. I couldn’t figure out what was up, and then it dawned on me: I was doing more than I had done in a long, long time and my mind and body were not happy about this sudden shift.
In other news, yesterday I went to a very fancy meeting with filmmaker people and I ended up speaking in front of the crowd and telling them about a script I had written. After the meeting, one of the people approached me to tell me he liked my idea… Life is lining up nicely, and I’ll be honest. I got scared.
This is new territory. This is new territory. I’m becoming a new person. The other day I was actually nice to a man. Me! Nice! Trust me, it hasn’t happened in a long time…
So, I’m glad I got this cold today, because I had to sit in and find something I could hold on to in this midst of all this new stuff. Sometimes, as we are growing, in an effort to have some sort of stability, we grab on to anything from the past: negative attitudes and fears that have comforted us throughout the years. We call people we can’t stand or start procrastinating just so that we don’t have to step into something different. We start an argument that’s gonna make us sad again or spend a bunch of money on something we don’t need. If we continue with this pattern, we find that we are again moving backwards. Same old drama. Same old hesitation. Same old confusion…
I’m no longer interested in moving backwards and at times like these, it can be hard to find help, especially if you don’t quite know how to articulate what you’re going through. So, I went to myself today, and for me, going to myself means going to God. I know everyone doesn’t believe in God and we have different ideas of what or who God is, etc, and I’m not here to debate about or discuss that. I’m just talking about what works for me here. Do what works for you. What I have found to be true for everyone, though, is that no matter how much any one of us knows or understands, there are always greater levels of understanding beyond our current perceptions. And so when I go to God, this is what I seek and this is what I open myself to: a greater level of understanding beyond my current state of being.
In my meditations today I became aware of the many miracles that have happened in my life alone, much less the lives of others that I have known, and I realized that although I have come far, it is possible for me to go further, and I asked God to help me, because I don’t know it all. I became aware that there were things in my heart that still needed to be released and some limiting subconscious beliefs that I had to address…
The fear of the unknown has subsided and I will push myself farther again tomorrow, until my body and mind accept that it is OK to move forward. We can be safe in the unknown, and in fact, with the decision that we have made to better our lives, we have no choice but to venture out into this place they call “the unknown”. This is brand new territory, baby! Let’s get to getting!
Day 85
Go Farther
hownottocryeveryday 