Wow. Thank God for a new day. Yesterday was ridiculously tough.
I slept in sister’s room and woke up late. I don’t use an alarm clock, but can’t remember the last time I have woken up later than I planned. But yesterday, I think I woke up four hours late. On top of that, I didn’t make any moves towards my writing whatsoever and someone I care about insinuated that I was the devil and that hurt my feelings… After more than a week of motivation, yesterday I felt completely down. Fear and doubt surfaced again and my dreams seemed unattainable and even worse than that, silly. I resorted to the bed, but not even because I was trying to stay there. I was just so tired… I did manage to wash all of the clothes in the house, though.
But today! Wow. Today I woke up early and I had such lovely dreams. There was a part in the old movie “Never Ending Story” where creatures come through and heal a hurt boy while he is sleeping. That is how I feel this morning. Like something came in the night and took away the stagnant feeling that I had yesterday and the despair that was trying to take over. These feelings have been replaced with a feeling of peace and a light-heartedness.
I can’t hide from the world and just limit my interactions to people who like and approve of me, I know. Well, I can, but I don’t want to. Sometimes when you go outside, though, and start mingling with different kind of folk, you find people with different opinions who want to make you feel like you are stupid or dumb or evil or misguided or delusional for thinking the way you think or living the way you live. And it seems like there is a war of opinions. Of course this is how the big wars start. Someone thinks their way is better than another person’s way and when the other person doesn’t want to get with the program, the bully tries to make them, thinking it’s for the good of humanity or whatever. Dangerous ideas don’t need to be spread. An example needs to be set, etc.
This is a tricky subject, because there is a fine line between being so overly confident that you can’t see anyone else’s perspective and letting other people’s opinions lure you into doing things that probably aren’t good for you. Like, who is to say that I’m not evil? That I don’t need to stop investigating the deeper realms of myself and, by default, encouraging anyone who interacts with me to do the same and instead just get with some other program? Perhaps the life path I have chosen is a bit of a radical endeavor. Much smarter, more inspired people, countries and governments, have laid out other paths before me, and have told me how I am to be as a woman at a particular time of a particular race in a particular country. Books have already been written about how to attain peace of mind and salvation and they even speak on how to “find yourself” and who that self should be. Why don’t I just get with the program? Who do I think I am?…
These thoughts had me feeling down yesterday; had me questioning myself, had me thinking of moving back to my home town and being a teacher again, diving deep into the religion of my childhood, shutting down the blog, putting away all of my other writings (which all encourage self-reflection in one way or the other), marrying some guy with fancy credentials and calling it a life. It’s not a bad life. In fact, it’s a normal life given the way I was brought up. Why must I be rebellious? (equals evil equals misguided)
So this is what I was dealing with. Does everyone who has ever tried to do anything different deal with this? I am trying to figure out how I know that the path I have chosen for myself is a good path, even though I have no evidence of this. How do I know that pursuing my passion is not the devil tempting me, as that person told me yesterday? It’s a deeply philosophical question. How do you know right from wrong? How do you pick a religion? How do you decide what to do with your life, which job to pursue or not, who to be with? I don’t have the answer…
The only thing I can say is that I did what other people wanted me to do for a long, long time and I was miserable. There was no end. Whoever I was trying to please always had something else that I needed to do or be in order to fit their image of a good woman and their image of a good woman wasn’t always my image of a good woman. I wanted to go dancing and I was supposed to stay home at night. I wanted to travel. I wanted to read certain books and I wasn’t supposed to because I was told they might influence me in a bad way. I wanted to know people who were different than me, and dam*it I wanted to be happy! I wanted to be happy and I was told in so many ways that that was the silliest, most detrimental goal anyone could have. But I was dying. I was dying trying to be everything but myself and nobody knew it…
So, anyway, today. How do you decide when to stick to your opinion or if it’s a good idea to let other people’s opinions influence you? I think I’ll think like a man for this one, logical. Look beneath the opinion and see what’s really going on. Sometimes people are trying to validate themselves by controlling others, sometimes people are trying to help you. Ultimately, though, you have to wake up to yourself every day. You have to deal with the thoughts in your head and the feelings you have. You are the only one who will reap the consequences of your actions, no matter whose opinion you listened to. No one but you has to live in your skin and oftentimes, no one but you even knows what’s going on inside…
So thank you, God. There are too many opinions, thoughts and ways of being for me to get caught up feeling bad because my life doesn’t fit into one person’s perception of what they think a good life is or a good person is. Sometimes it’s not easy, you know? You do what you think is best and it offends someone else. But what else can I do? How else can I live? You know my heart, God. You know my deepest of deepest intentions. You know why I have chosen the path that I have chosen. Be with me, please, and please lead me in the right direction. Please lead me in the direction of All that is good… Ameen.
Day 98
To Thine Own Self Be True
Good morning. Sis wants to use computer to print stuff out. Why is she up so early???
Trying to connect to the deeper place in me where inspiration lives. I moved my desk out to the living room and I’m having a hard time focusing. I think I’m going back to my room where I feel comfy…
Back in my room. Feels much better. Wow. Perhaps it is true what they say, that spaces have a life of their own. The living room needs to be freshened up a bit, and I’ll tend to that today.
In other news, I survived the loss of Mr. Almost Famous yesterday and then I got so much work done! There was only one thing I didn’t finish on my “to-do” list and that was only because I didn’t realize that the task was so big. In the past, if I had a “to-do” list of ten things, I might have actually only finished one. Yesterday was the opposite.
I’m going to revamp my list to include more than work and to have a daily practice of sharing and connecting with another human face to face. I am getting ready for my new life, which includes a husband and some friends that I connect deeply with as well as professional success and spiritual alignment. There is some value in the saying “fake it till you make it”. Our minds are quite interesting. We get used to things and our habits become our lives. Poverty, chaos, drama, sadness, etc, they are all habits that we learned at some point or another. You’ve got to replace them with the good stuff if you want the good stuff.
Like Gotye says, “You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness”. One of the keys to change is create new habits. Oh, you might go through withdrawal or anxiety when you try to change something you have been doing for a while. Your life might fall apart. In fact, it probably will. It’s a good thing. You are literally breaking down and breaking off who you used to be. But the next step is crucial. After you break down, you must decide who you would like to become and you must practice being that. If you would like to make more money, then you must put effort into earning more and saving more. If you would like healthy relationships, not only must you get rid of all your drama, but you must practice creating healthy relationships, which means expressing Love, saying sorry, being honest and wishing the best for someone other than yourself. If you would like your life to be in order, then you must clean up. Put something in order. Organize something, even a little thing like the dishes in your cabinet. If you would like a deeper spiritual or religious connection, then you must do the work. Sit, pray, ask, read, be honest…
These things are real. This change is real. This magic is not magic at all but common sense that we forgot that we had…
So today I’m going to fake it till I make it. I did that with Mr. Almost Famous and New York and it literally shifted my paradigm. My brain saw what another thing feels like; what life looks like as a fancy writer with clean clothes having meetings and staying in a rich hotel in New York; what life feels like sitting next to a man who makes me come alive… Yesterday I experienced what life feels like to be productive in spite of a small emotional imbalance and my mind says “Hmm…. This is different. This is good.”
New seeds have been planted and they are blossoming already. I am becoming used to this, God! Thank you. I didn’t know that I would ever get here. I am becoming used to good things. I know, old patterns and habits, other people’s viewpoints, are going to try and creep in and destroy my garden, but I’m not even scared anymore.
I root myself in the knowledge that God is for me and not against me. They are not just words anymore. God is for me and not against me. I know this. I cultivate the garden of my new life through my consistent prayers, deliberate thoughts, and actions that are in alignment with my intentions. I trust. Me, who didn’t trust a soul in the world. I trust that there is more good in the universe than I can comprehend and I allow myself to give and to receive of the good. I allow myself to be protected and Loved. I have seen it already. I have seen miracles already and so I know they exist. I have seen grace already and I even know that even when I feel afraid or doubtful, there is a way out if I just allow it to be.
So today, I am going to be a professional writer again and handle some writing business. I think I will bless my body with some good food and exercise like happy people do and then I will tend to my finances like responsible people do. Then I’ll share something sweet of myself with someone else and even let myself receive like good, loving people do.
I’m going to fake it till I make it, but I know that it is not fake. It is who I already am. I’ve just been out of practice for a while. Thank you God so much for this moment. Thank you…
Day 97
Fake It Till You Make It
It’s raining out today. Mr. Almost Famous is leaving town. He just sent me a text thanking me for being me and all this good stuff… Sad poems in my head that I won’t write down.
It can’t possibly really be this hard to find one single available man who I want to be with and who wants to be with me. We had such an amazing time yesterday. He’s a bonafide good guy, but he’s still stuck on his ex (who he just happened to break up with literally hours before he met me)… sigh.
Bittersweet, I tell you. I mean, I meet guys often, but it has been a while since I have met one who I thought, “yeah. I could actually fall in love with this dude and he seems like he’s at the right place, etc where we could make a good thing happen right now.” So. Almost. Almost… If I was a drinker I think I’d go get a drink right now.
But since I’m not a drinker and I’m not really into drugs or random sex or whatever other avoidance tactics are out there, I might as well deal with this bit of loss right now and evaluate so that I can get on with doing my work and other life things. He’s the first “new” guy I’ve thought I could start a serious long-term relationship with in about two years. OK. But why has it taken me two years to like a new guy??? Oh yeah. Dream Lover and all my other random exes that I’ve been caught up with. OK. So I was caught up for a while in a bunch of mess… Wow. Two years??? Time goes by so fast…
Alright. Not gonna’ get down on myself. Continue evaluation. It has been a little over one month since I have been completely completely single with no attachments or unspoken agreements with the exes, and literally I met Mr. Almost Famous a day after I finally got over and done with the exes, so I guess it didn’t take too long for me to find a guy after I was ready. Well, to almost find a guy…
So, Lady my Love, let’s not let this one miss get us down too long. Yes, I am talking to myself. In fact, let’s go ahead and cry or whatever and get over this today. We have to go to work in a bit, and remember we still want to find our real husband, so we can’t get caught up on these almost hits. God will help you. You know he will. I know, Mr. Almost Famous was super fine and the right age and ambition and religion and the whole shabang. And he was an actual good guy who was forthright and tells the truth and keeps his word and loves his mamma. I know, that’s a hard one to let go. But you have to let it go, OK ? What else are you gonna’ do? Get all sad again? Not do your work that you are on the brink of completing? Close your heart and spend another two years getting caught up with anesthetic relationships? Come on. You know you can’t do that anymore. That’s not for you anymore.
-But I’m disappointed. He was so awesome.
I know. You can cry, OK, if it makes you feel better. Go ahead and get the grieving out today. But don’t forget everything that you have worked for, everything that you have accomplished thus far. Don’t forget that he is only one of many many possibilities for love.
-Will I see another soon?
Of course. You know you will. Come on, Lady. Keep the faith. Keep the faith. You know the truth. You know that you were not created only so that you can suffer and cry and be alone. You know that there is joy for you in this life. You have seen it! You have seen so much of it already. Do you think I would give you a heart so big and not give you someone to share all that love with? See the truth now so that the darkness does not take you over. See the truth… He is coming. It is coming to you. Don’t put up your sword and shield. Don’t close your eyes or you will not see it. Don’t stop doing the work. Come on. You can do it. You can be strong and still be sweet. You can grieve and still be open.
You know there are good men out there and you even know that your Mr. Almost Famous was just as smitten by you as you were by him. You two were just not quite ready. But almost ready. And you know that you both have been a blessing to each other, making things clear, burning away the lies, giving each other faith, setting yourselves back on a path of passion and life. You know you had forgotten about your heart and he reminded you and you reminded him… You know that this experience was a good and very good thing, and you even know that you are becoming fantastically wonderful and able to believe that you are worthy of a good man so that when he comes, you will actually be able to accept him.
Come on now. Know what you know… Stop buggin… Easy… Easy now, see? See how quickly the truth burns away fear? Wow. One hour instead of one year! Look how far you’ve come. I think you can stop crying now. At a girl… At a girl.
Day 96
Know What You Know
In a pensive mood. Back from New York. More than amazing and fantastic. Don’t have the words right now to express the magnitude of the shift that is taking place. I understand the song, Amazing Grace now. How sweet the sound. That saved someone like me…
I’m meeting with Mr. Almost Famous this morning. He has become a good friend in such a short amount of time. God, there is so much I want to write about. I’m crying right now, but they are tears of gratitude because you have allowed me yet another day to be happy. These moments are so precious. When I can wake up in the morning and know that anything is possible in this day. When having faith seems easy and movement comes naturally.
I have a lot to do today, so this one won’t be long. I woke up really early, but the time is just going. I had to experience being neglected, abandoned, taken for granted, being poor and not having enough food, being financially successful but terribly unhappy… I had to experience being shy and wishing I would have said something and wishing I would have introduced myself. I had to experience not being close to my mom in order to recognize what a precious gift the little things are. Green juice and having my silly sister around. Having a man ask how my day is and bring me flowers. Money, even a little bit, that you can save and pay your bills and travel with. Having the strength to let go of things and people that hurt you. Having the courage to reach out. Sharing honest conversations with people and being able to laugh unabashedly. Being flexible enough to do yoga poses and having a car to drive around in… Peace of mind… These are all little things, but they are great accomplishments. I am glad to have them. I am glad to be here.
My sister just woke up and is interrupting me. I think today I won’t get mad at her and appreciate her silly sweetness instead. Time to get to work anyway.
It is so good to see the little things while they are here, instead of waiting for them to be taken away. I am happy today. My heart is clean. My mind is clear. My body is well. Money is out there for the making. Success is there for the having. I get to share a smile with a handsome man today…
Thank you God, for the little things. Thank you.
Day 95
Champion The Little Things
My heart is open and I am no longer surprised when miracles happen…
Yesterday was quite amazing. Met with a very famous artist about illustrating my children’s book. HE’S GOING TO WORK WITH ME!!! When I came in the meeting room, he offered me some green juice! I knew it was going to be a great meeting after that. It was more than great. A publishing deal is coming soon, and I know the timing is only a function of my effort.
I know I have the talent. Of course I’m not the best at my craft yet. I may never be the best at my craft, but I am a lot better than some people who are much more financially successful than me, and I’ll only get better and better as I keep practicing….
This trip has been wonderful so far. In two days I made so many connections, got advice and leads that would have cost me hundreds of dollars, and even made friends! Female friends!!! I like New York now and I’m no longer scared to come back here on my own. I’m no longer scared to go anywhere on my own, in fact.
I am learning to be myself even outside of my comfort zone in my room and finding the world to be a very exciting place full of opportunity. I’ve got some social things to do today. Business is done and now we play.
Something dawned on me the other night. I was in the midst of freaking out and I called a friend who suggested that I say my prayers. I didn’t want to pray on these wood floors, so he suggested praying on the bed, and I did. I spent a long time praying and meditating until I could bring myself to a place where I felt at peace and unafraid. Then I was able to do some work and prep for my meeting.
During my prayers, I came to something. The way you can live with no regrets. You have to give your all. Sometimes things may not work out the way you intended, but it is much better to say “I tried my best. I gave my all and things just didn’t work” than to sit around wondering what could have and may have happened.
I have been trying and my life has just been getting better and better. The more I give of myself, the more I receive and the more I realize that we humans are a resilient species. I am beyond motivated and now able to take the next steps to get my writings into the world, and I think it’s going to be easy.
The meeting I had yesterday was with a very prominent public figure. He was so down-to-earth and helpful, yet smart and successful. He made me realize that I can be successful and still be a cool human being. It was nice to see that.
I’m not even going to speak on my man life. Let’s just say the tides have turned. I have decided to honor and respect myself, and I’ve also decided to show love and care when I feel compelled and the response from men has been overwhelming. I no longer have dysfunctional relationships. Men are nice to me these days and the mean ones just disappear and I gladly let them go… I don’t think it will be too long before I have a husband. I can actually imagine that now: a life where I am doing the work that I have been Divinely inspired to do and where I also have a wonderful man by my side and some babies. Wow. Babies. That’s another thought…
So here’s to a day of wonder! Here’s to a day of honesty, integrity and love, a day of putting forth effort in the direction of what is good for me and all involved with me. Here is to forgiveness, growth, a clean heart, and acceptance. Here is to living life today! No regrets…
Day 94
No Regrets
Just a little over 24 hours in New York. It’s cold. My eyes are tripping out. I have really sensitive eyes and it’s windy over here and something blew in my eyes and now they are all red and watery…. AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!
Frustrated. Stayed in a really fancy hotel in Times Square last night and am now downgraded to a room about a quarter of the size of the suite I was in last night (and it’s only $15 dollars cheaper!!!). Long story, but already paid for the rest of the nights in this room and can’t get out of it, and on top of that, they charged my card and held a bunch of my money for “incidentals” so now I’m on a very very tight budget and I have to find cheap food to eat…
Let me see what I can do because I am sinking fast here in this little dark box. OMG. The hotel is supposed to be upscale modern artsy and they got it right in the lobby, but in the room??? AAAAAAAAGHHHHH! There are two walls parallel to each other and both of them have mirrors. So if you open your eyes and sit on the bed or the desk, you are forced to look at two reflective mirrors that just reflect themselves over and over into infinity. And it’s so dark in here, like a lounge!!! Lord help me…
Maybe I am a bit of a drama queen, but I have to get out of here to get some work done. This is just not working…
Man. I’m gonna’ be honest. Today was freaking hard! I had a meeting with an agent today. This was actually not on my plan before I headed out here, so I was excited to get this meeting. She gave me a lot of good information, but she was not bouncing off the walls trying to represent me. I’m supposed to be sending her my work by tomorrow… Rejection or the fear of it is no joke. All this money, all this time and energy put into this, all the sacrifices and there is the possibility that it may never amount to anything. And if it doesn’t, then what will I do with myself? Get some job with a fancy title? Sigh…
Sorry. Inner strength and inspiration are kaput at the moment. Self-pity and fear seem to be taking over and inner strength is too discouraged to intervene. Mind says something has to be done. Heart is silent… Spirit is silent. Looking for a savior but they say I’m too strong and I don’t need saving… Want to say my prayers but these wood floors are not comfy…
Big meeting tomorrow… Maybe I can move this desk to the other wall so I don’t have to get a headache from looking at these mirrors… What to do God when I don’t know what to do? I have to do something. I’m already here. Should I try to escape this hotel and spend my last dime to go back to the fancy one?
-No. Just do your work. Take that lady’s advice. Submit your script to her and contact the agents she recommended. Just do your work. I didn’t say this was going to be easy. You wanted to step out of your comfort zone, right? You wanted to grow. So just do your work. You don’t have to psyche yourself up or even feel good about it. This time start from the outside, OK? Don’t worry about motivation and feelings. Don’t worry about whether you will be a failure and wasting time or money. Go get some water. Move the desk. Find a group and go running in the morning. Go through your scripts and turn something in before you go to sleep. Just turn it in. It’s good already, OK? I know, the fine New York men are getting to you. You want one but don’t even know which direction to go when it comes to men. Don’t worry about it, OK? Just don’t worry about it, OK? Do the work, keep yourself open and see what happens. Don’t quit now. Give me a chance to make good on My promise. I told you that you are blessed beyond your fondest dreams. Finish what you started and see what happens…
My dear child. Let’s have a moment of silence… What good can come from this situation?
-I have to get out of the room. LOL. I’m being smoked out.
OK. And what good can come from that?
-I can find a place to write and I might meet some cool people.
OK. So let’s start there. Get out of your room. Find some cheap food for your body. Find a place to pray that has carpet like you like. And stop crying. Life is easy, remember? If you could see where it all ends, you would be laughing at this moment. Life is easy. Remember.
Day 93
Life Is Easy
I’m on a plane, on the first half of my trip to New York. I’m going to New York for a bit. I have a few professional meetings about my writing.
You don’t understand how big this is for me. This is the first time that I am actually meeting with people who are currently working in my industry and presenting my work with the intention that these meetings will move my work from words on a page to books, movies and other completed works. I am going on a plane to meet with some influential people who just might help me bring the things that have been inside of me out into the world! Me. The little poor girl that people used to tease because I didn’t talk like everyone else, the one who always got picked last (or almost last) for almost every sport. This is the ugly chic that boys used to make fun of, the one who thought that the world was such a bad and sad place.
I am going to the Big Apple and the lady is telling me to put my computer away, so I will write more on the next flight. Thank you God.
Back on the plane. Second flight. Next stop New York. Something interesting happened in between flights. Before I got on the first plane, I sent a text to my fam and close friends letting them know I was on my way to New York. When I checked the responses, I got “congrats”, “good luck”, “do a good job” and “be careful. That city can be a dangerous place.” Mostly encouraging comments and one seed of fear, and guess which one sticks in my head?
Yes, New York can be dangerous, dark and lonely and I’m not even upset with that person for bringing it to my attention and I would be an idiot if I didn’t consider that. It’s true . But New York can also be safe, full of light and opportunity and filled with close relationships. This is true as well. But that discouraging comment is the one that stuck, feeding into the fears that I already have.
Your perspective colors everything, and so I choose to change my mind, God. I choose to change my mind and see the good in this situation. I choose for faith, conviction and the knowledge that life is good and very good to color my steps. No longer will worry, doubt and fear be my companions. I am evicting them for good once and for all. God, please help me to know that this life is a good life. Help me to see that love and kindness and fulfillment are my lot in life. This is what I am choosing and I am choosing with all of me. Guide my footsteps that they may walk in the direction of the fulfillment of my destiny. Take my hands that they may write the words and give and receive the things that you inspire. Open my eyes that they see clearly. Tune my ears that they hear the truth. Change my mind Lord. This time for good. Change my heart, God for real. Open my spirit.
I know that it is possible. I know it is. I have seen miracles upon miracles in my life and lives of others already. And so I accept. I accept the change that has already taken place before I asked for it. I accept the blessings, God. I allow myself to be the blessings. I stand and I walk and I talk and I be a Daughter of Yours. I stand with the conviction that the Most High Creator of the Wind is for me and not against me. I am made of the stuff of the Mover of Mountains. I am worthy of the very best in life, the greatest that life has to offer. Me. I am worthy of the fulfillment of my heart’s greatest desire. In fact, my heart’s greatest desire is the calling of my soul, and The One who placed the calling will provide a way to fulfill it. God is for me and not against me. God is for me and not against me. God is for me and not against me.
And I accept. Today I accept. This time and forever more, I accept. Ameen.
My flight is landing. Time to go. Start spreading the news…
Day 92
Choose Another Perspective
It’s before the sunrise again. I’m supposed to meet up with someone to go running and I’m actually going to try to be on time, so this one won’t be long.
God, I would like to say Thank you. Small miracles are happening daily. Yesterday, shortly after writing my blog, I sent my almost-friend who had been avoiding me a facebook letting him know how I felt about his behavior. I tried hard not to curse at him (and I succeeded) and just be honest about my feelings. About five minutes after pushing the send button, he called me. It was the first time he’s ever called me. His voice was rich and deep and he was completely apologetic. I sat on the other side of the phone in shock and gratitude. Here I was thinking my words would push him away for good, but instead, my honesty brought him closer.
This is new to me. I am being myself with people and instead of running away, they are coming closer. My mind says, wow. I can actually be my real self and people I like could possibly like me too. What a phenomenon.
So today I am expecting a miracle again. I’m a bit apprehensive about running because I don’t want to faint or get sick, but I’m going to just breathe and allow myself to go farther still. It’s becoming normal. I am becoming stronger and pushing past my limits doesn’t seem as frightening as it used to. I think it’s because deep down I know I can do it and I won’t die. That’s the thing about all these theories and philosophies. You have to practice and experiment and then you find them to be true or untrue. When you find a truth, you can plant it in yourself and it becomes your life.
So, reader, today this blog is for you. I’d like to give you something because I feel able to give today. How Not to Cry Every Day? How to Blossom? Practice being yourself. I know, some of us are far removed and we don’t even know what that means or who ourselves are. But deep down, we know that there is a place that tells us right and wrong. Friends will tell you one thing, but deep down you know something is or isn’t right. There is a storage unit in our minds where all the unanswered questions live, all the unfulfilled dreams linger. There is something bruised in our consciences where we want to mend a relationship or create one. We want to tell someone sorry or thank you, but we think it isn’t cool. We want to love a bit more, but we are scared. We want to stop doing a thing that isn’t good for us or get over someone. Life is moving and we find ourselves not moving with it, burying ourselves deeper and deeper inside, lying, and coming up with all kinds of fantastic rationalizations as to why we are living the way we are living. Trust me. I know. I know what it feels like to sit around and feel like you are trapped by all of your unfulfilled desires. And I also know that we are all going to die. It’s the only thing people have been able to prove. Pain and discontent doesn’t go away with avoidance and denial. As an old friend used to tell me, wherever you go, there you are.
There is a way to get out of the trap, but you have to practice. It’s a catch 22, I know, but be encouraged. People want to know you. There are people who are looking for exactly what you have. I’ll never forget. Some years ago I was driving a very raggedy old Buick station wagon. No matter where I parked it, it was the raggediest car on the block. I bought it from the auction for $250 because I really needed a car with storage for my job at the time. Long story short, there came a time when I wanted to sell that wagon. Friends told me that I would never sell it and that I should just try and sell the parts. I put an ad online anyway. It couldn’t hurt. A couple weeks later, a young guy came to buy my car for $450. He was in a rap group and it was his first car. He said that he had been looking everywhere for that car and commented on how cool it was. I couldn’t believe it, but I took the money!
As you practice being yourself, people might reject you initially. In fact, the people who know you to be someone else probably will. You are changing and they are not. It makes folks uneasy and it challenges them. Your growth challenges others to look at their own life, and that’s OK. Sooner than later, you will find one, or most likely some who appreciate you for exactly who you are. Someone will commend you on your bravery. Someone will thank you for being brave enough to tell the truth and take a stand for what you believe. Someone will say that you help them to be more comfortable being themselves, and you will find that you are OK.
We are OK. Just the way we are.
Day 91
Practice Being Yourself
We’ll try again today. I’m sorry. I didn’t write yesterday like I said I would. Yesterday was kind of tough. Joined a fancy writing organization and went to their first meeting of the year only to find that no one else showed up (except for the one guy who invited me to the meeting). Been trying to connect with someone that I wanted to give something to and that person has been avoiding me yet inviting me. My almost-son failed many of his classes last semester, so I came up with a new plan to try and help him pass, but I know his father is not going to execute it… Finally, I’ve been checking out this new yoga place and decided to go to one their classes that were above beginners level (beginning level was kind of easy for me) only to find that the next level up was kicking my butt. I think I hurt something in my body…
So by the time I got home yesterday I was feeling kind of frumpy. I went to sleep because that’s what I do when I’m feeling down. The thing about going to sleep in order to avoid your problems is that, alas, you must wake up eventually. So here I am. Awake. I woke up before the sun today, but I only just now got off the bed and the sun is already out.
Disappointed. That’s how I’m feeling. I was looking forward to working with the writing organization but they were not what I thought they would be. I was looking forward to connecting with that individual. I was looking forward to helping my almost-son and finding a yoga home that was going to challenge me but not break me, and none of those things happened. So, as I start my day today, I have to ask myself what to do when things don’t go your way. Do something else? Cry? Keep pushing and try to make your original plan work out? Rationalize it and say that it’s all for the best? How come one day can be so surprisingly good and then the next is completely disheartening?
This is where I’m at this morning. I have come out into the world, and I see that everyone out in the world is not like me. You know, since I started writing this blog, I had ended a lot of my former relationships and only surrounded myself with a handful of nurturing, progressive types, and so I had begun to believe that the whole world was like that. But it’s not. So now I’m wondering, moving forward, should I only make friends and associate with people who are better off than me, or at least on my level, or should I hang out with the folks who are still functioning in the land of manipulation, dishonesty, hurt, fear, etc.?
I think there is a balance. If I hang out with people with issues too long, I will inevitably go back to being depressed. I’m way sensitive and I can’t take a lot of disappointment and lies. On the other hand, if my whole social circle is made up of only happy, progressive types, I will start to have a skewed perception of the world and really, I think it will make me get out of touch with the very people I am trying to help.
I love this blog. It helps me to sort out my thoughts. I know what to do now. I will find more happy people to be around. Look, I’m still in the recovery stage. Like that yoga class, even though I have moved out of level one, I know that I am not quite at the next phase up yet. So, I’ll spend more time with the folks and ideas that nurture me and I will still expose myself to other things. Not too much drama, though, and nothing too close to my heart. I’m not ready for all that yet. But a little at a time. I’ll check up on my almost-son from a distance and offer what I can. I’ll work on my writing on my own and go to the next group meeting. Maybe I will help them get back organized. It’s OK. I’ll continue to take the level one yoga classes until I have mastered them and couple that with some really challenging running, and I’ll let that individual know how I feel about his behavior and then leave that to God.
I’m doing OK. Life is a give and take. So you give, and you take…
xoxo
Day 90
Balance
So today was really different than most of my days. I didn’t do too much. I had an early am appointment and then I spent the rest of the day with a friend, not doing much at all but talking and lazing around…
I’m happy, God. It came to my attention that there is more to life than work, career and self development. There is love, and that’s important too. Today I indulged in honest dialogue and openness. Somebody was nice to me and I was nice to him, with no hidden agendas or manipulation involved. The energy dynamic was clean.
It came to my attention that in all of my visions and prayers about the future and the life I would like to create, there is a lot of stuff about work and what I’d like to do in the world, but I don’t meditate much about a man or a family. I mean, I spend a lot of time trying to get over some man or the other that has disappeared on me or cheated on me or put some other woman ahead of me, but I haven’t spent much time envisioning myself having a happy, peaceful, trusting relationship and family with someone I Love… There’s always just me in my thoughts of the future, even though I say I’d like a relationship.
So today, I was blessed with a gift of a man who helped plant a seed in my heart and I thought again about the possibility of a family and a husband and just for an instance I thought that I might just be able to have that…
I am like a child being born again and you guys have no idea how wonderful it is to have hope, to remember the things that make you come alive, those things that you have buried so deep that you don’t even know they are there. To remember them, and then to actually think that they are possible again, that is a gift!
And so I know that I am changing, because life is changing.
You smiled at me today. You looked in my eyes and your gaze was so sincere. No holding back, no wanting, no insecurity. You were just you, and you were not afraid. You bought me flowers and didn’t try to get in my pants. You asked how my day was and waited and heard me when I answered. You didn’t say let’s have sex. You didn’t say let’s get married. You said, let’s take it slow. While we are figuring it out, let’s be good to each other. You said let’s be good to each other when you helped me clean up and you opened the door for me. You said let’s be good to each other when you told me the truth about your life and asked me about mine. And you know what? Those words were like manna from Heaven. Better than “I Love you”. Better than “I need you”. Better than all the compliments and any other gift you could have given me. You chose to be good to me and you helped me remember. I know you don’t understand. It just comes natural to you. But you are cleaning my heart out and helping me to remember that men can be good, that Love can be a good thing, that even I can have an actual good thing. So thank you. I’d like to thank you now, while it’s happening. For choosing to be good to me. Thank you so much.
Ameen.
Day 89
Be Good To Someone
