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Day 80 – Let It Rain

December 20, 2011

Yesterday was one of those days. It’s 2:30 in the morning, and I slept most of the day yesterday, so I’m up for the day now.

I was trying to avoid the words…. Words, thoughts, ideas, kept flooding my mind and I couldn’t get rid of them. I was looking for some peace, so I went to sleep, but the words kept coming in the forms of dreams and visions… It occurred to me how integral words have been to my existence, a constant companion in my mind, in my writings, in my readings… It seems that they have been a part of me as long as I can remember. I wonder if there are people who don’t think in words, but in pictures rather, or sounds or smells or insights. Of course there are.

So it occurred to me this morning, that sometimes we lump words together but they don’t mean the same thing. Depression, sadness, grief, self-pity, loneliness and despair are all very different concepts. When I started this blog almost five months ago, I was experiencing depression and sadness. Yesterday I experienced grief and I am still experiencing a bit of it as I write. I don’t want to talk about it, but I will, because that’s why I started this blog in the first place, so I could talk about stuff. I want to talk about happy stuff, but the funny thing is, this grief doesn’t feel un-happy, like sadness. It feels like grief. It’s different.

Yesterday my heart busted open. I mean really busted open. It’s been a while since I have cried out loud like a baby, but yesterday I let it rain. I figured if I had all that grief in me, I might as well let it out, rather than hold it in and wait for a heart attack. I had broken up with Dream Lover again. I know, you might be asking “Didn’t she already break up with him some time ago???” Yes, I did. Anyone who has ever broken up with anyone they love knows that the breakup usually doesn’t happen when the breakup happens. It’s mostly months before or months (or years) after that a person comes to terms with the fact that no, I will never ever ever ever be with you again in that way… So yesterday, about four months after I told Dream Lover to leave me the *uck alone, he exited my heart, kicking and screaming and finally letting go. This is what happened.

I woke up feeling, well, inspired. Thoughts and words were just flooding my mind and spirit before I could open my eyes and Dream Lover was at the forefront of them all. I recognized that, try as I had to divorce him from my consciousness, he had still remained a constant presence in the back of all things. “What if he actually shows up and is the man of my dreams like he said he was? What if he changes and starts being nice to me again like he used to be? Maybe I could have done something different. What if I get with someone else? I’m tired of getting with someone else and want to work through things and stick with someone for once in my life. How could it be possible for two people to feel this strongly towards each other and not be together? How could we be so dumb? Why can’t we just get over ourselves?” One or more of these thoughts seemed to have been a constant presence in my subconscious mind for quite some time and yesterday morning, I acknowledged them all. I didn’t really know what to do with them. They seemed to be holding my heart and mind hostage. And so I politely excused myself from my mind and appealed to a higher Power, the Spirit.

This link between us was not formed by my thoughts (although it was maintained for so long by my unwillingness to let it go) so I quit trying to talk myself into getting over him. Feeling inspired, I sent Dream Lover a text and asked if he would please let me go. Depart. Unhook himself from these inner places in me. I told him I felt incapable of doing it on my own. He called me immediately, angry. He told me how I couldn’t possibly love him because I cuss him out and dump him from time to time, and we started to argue, but then I decided that I didn’t want to do that. I asked him if he was going to let me go, and he politely told me, “no”. I was shocked and amazed. He then went on to tell me how he was going to be here “soon” and how I should wait for him. Now, mind you, this is a man who travels all over the world often and has people come and visit him from all over the world often, even people from the city I live in. He has been saying he will be here “soon” for almost a year and a half in our on-and-off relationship now. I know what you may be thinking. Stupid me. I know…

So, I told him “whatever” and got off the phone with him, still in a daze. I distracted myself with food and some other things, did one of the tasks on my “to-do” list, and then retreated to my bed. I thought of all the women I know. One of them, someone very close to me, is going through a divorce right now. She asked for the divorce about a year ago, but the man refused to sign the papers. He refused to be nice to her or act like her husband either, but he refused to let her go, and so she just sits in limbo. I saw her in my mind’s eye, how broken she had become in the past year, and I weeped for her. I weeped for myself because I was her, and I weeped for her husband and my Dream Lover because… well, because they are too blind to weep for themselves.

I asked God if He could please handle this situation, because it was too much for me and I had been doing so well I didn’t want to fall into a deep, dark depression or close my heart or get stuck anymore. I was OK with keeping Dream Lover. I was OK with letting him go. I was OK with whatever may come, so long as it meant progress and not regression… And somewhere, in the midst of my crying, my heart busted open, and I just let it. It kind of hurt at first, like somebody squeezing it, and then the pain stopped and it felt like a release. I can liken it to having a splinter removed. When you first get the splinter it hurts really bad, but then after it’s in you for a while, you just get used to the pain and it becomes normal. Then when someone yanks it out, it really hurts for a moment and then you just feel space. You remember that there was a lot of pain there just now, but now the space just feels like, well, space… Like someone did some acupuncture on me and blood is flowing in places where it wasn’t before.

I don’t feel good about it. I don’t feel sad about it or crippled or depressed. I don’t even feel like teaching him a lesson or finding a rebound band-aid man, because nothing really hurts. It just feels like something I had gotten used to is gone now, like my dad dying. It’s over. So you cry and you cry and you cry and then one day you don’t. I used to try not to cry, but that doesn’t work. The grief is gonna hit you one of these days, so you might as well let it happen sooner than later.

So, here’s to life! Let it rain…

Day 80

Let It Rain

 

 

-Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise

For even breaking is opening

And I am broken

I am open

See the love shine in through my cracks

See the light shine out from me

My spirit takes journey

My spirit takes flight

And I am not running

I am choosing

I am broken

I am broken open

Breaking is freeing

Broken is freedom

I am not broken

I am free

– from the movie Pariah

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From → How To Blossom

One Comment
  1. There is no wrong way to grieve – most of my challanges come from turning away from grief and so I never heal -here is to your courage to heal.

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