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Day 76 – Embrace Change

December 6, 2011

Today has been an interesting day… I haven’t felt this way in a while, but I know the feeling well. A funny kind of anxiety creeping up in me, almost like fear but mixed up with some sadness… The weather is changing. Today was my last day of work at my seasonal job and I’ll be doing other things next year…

I was feeling a little desperate today, wanting to escape. I don’t even know what I was wanting to escape from. There is no where to run anymore. Momma can’t save me and the men aren’t trying to be knights in shining armor anymore, and I’m not quite sure what I need saving from anyway… As an ex-boyfriend once told me long ago, “Wherever you go, there you are”. Ha ha. I can’t escape myself anymore…

Sis is leaving for the holidays, so I will be in the big city alone. I have a very long “to-do” list to keep me company, but suddenly I’m not so excited about it anymore. I want to go dancing and fall in love and do the exciting things in life. Life and Love are calling me but I can’t see their faces and it scares me that I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I’m not sure  about what steps to take: basic things like should I hang out with such and such person or wash my clothes? Should I try and make some new friends or just focus 100 percent on my writing stuff? Should I date even though there are still hints of Dream Lover’s seductive words lingering on my heart??? So many little decisions. They make up a life…

I know this much. I can’t stay on the bed (even though I tried today). It just doesn’t do it for me anymore. My stable, routine life has ended it’s season for now and this part is up to me. Ugh. How daunting. I’m a little girl all over again afraid that no one will want to be my friend and the boys I like won’t like me. At least I’m not afraid that they won’t like my writing. That’s one good thing I can move on. And I’m grown-up enough to know that even if I’m afraid I can still do things and after I do them I won’t be so scared. That’s another good thing. And I also know that I have this magic blog that helps me sort out my thoughts and I have my prayers and meditations and physical motion that helps make things clear and easy for me, so I’ll seek comfort in those.

God, I’d like to learn how to step into change gracefully instead of being afraid and sad. I am willing to have it all. Yes. I am willing to be it all and give it all. You have given me the tools. You have sent angels and gifts and you have opened up such a magnificent well in me and I am forever humbled and grateful. I know, it’s not about me. I know, it’s not just for me. It’s for Us. I know it’s my work, to be one of those people, one of Your people. I mean, we are all Your people, but we don’t always know it…

So, yes. Again. Yes to this different life that is here already. Yes to easy transitions that don’t involve mental breakdowns and stagnation. Yes to truly loving relationships. Oh, they are already here! Thank you, Lord. Yes to the smile behind my eyes. Yes to my giving hands. Yes to genuine exchange with other human beings. Yes to beautiful, wonderful, peaceful, uplifting change.

Day 76

Embrace Change

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From → How To Blossom

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