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Day 82 – Do What Makes You Come Alive

December 28, 2011

Many things and nothing floating through my head. I used to wish I didn’t think so much. For many of my adolescent years, I actually tried not to be so “deep” so that I could fit in, but it doesn’t work. I’m just not a surface dweller. Deepness suits me well…

Not quite sure of what I feel or  think today. Nothing, really. Brand new again. This is different. Let’s start at the very beginning, as Fraulein Maria said on Sound of Music. A very good place to start.

What are we doing here, in this world, on this Earth? Don’t tell me. I know you know. Trying to work our way to Heaven? Lose weight? Be anti-bored? Make some money? Be happy? Make somebody proud? Just get out of the mud? Be connected to something, anything??? What are we really doing here?  What wakes us up every day? People have been trying to answer this question from the beginning of time and the truly committed ones have come up with much more profound answers than I can offer. I think most of us think the question is too deep, so we just do what we can to make it through the day, find something to distract us: some children to tend, a job, a love that we dive into with all of ourselves (or not). But at the end of the day (or maybe 50 years later), the question comes up again. What are we doing here?

I spent a lot of time here in my apartment this past week, on the bed. Relapse? I don’t think so. I didn’t really feel like crying that much or doing anything destructive, but I didn’t feel like doing my usual stuff either, writing, working, self-improvement, etc. I had lost my motivation, and the question came up in my mind, “What am I doing here?” It was so random. Prior to that moment, things in my life had been making sense for a good six months, and then suddenly, nothing made sense. I guess my breakup probably had something to do with it. There was and is this spaciousness in my heart and my body, even in my mind, the release of something that had constantly been with me, and with that openness comes choice. What do you do next?

I can see other people so clearly and tell you that this particular person is sticking around on Earth because he wants to prove to his momma that he’s worth *hit. This one feels an obligation to her children and that keeps her ticking, and this one dreams of the day that he can be successful and show the world that he’s not a failure, and that gets him up in the morning. What about me?

It used to be my momma. I wanted to prove that I could “be something”, whatever that means, but not so much anymore. I’ve already “been something”  and while it felt good to have a bunch of money and be able to do stuff, it didn’t feed the deeper parts of me… I have changed and what moves me has changed as well. So, I am stepping out of myself so I can see myself more clearly… Let’s see.  She (me) wants to know that these things in fairy books are real. The Joy, the Love, the Aliveness, the Goodness, the Soulful connections. She believes that they are more than stories and so she lives to see them, to show others that they are real. Sure, career, money, etc… That’s just a part of it. She lives to Live, and so she must do what makes her come alive…

I am learning that I can be my own teacher, my own student, my own healer, and my own lover (well, not like that, but you know what I’m saying). I am amazed at how easy life is becoming and how quickly I can find clarity and I am so thankful to know that at any given moment you can choose. You can really choose! You can choose to come alive! You might as well. Let’s be honest. We’re gonna’ be here for a while…

Day 82

Do What Makes You Come Alive

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From → How To Blossom

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