Godd morning world,
It’s a beautiful day today. I’m up early like I like to be and buzzing and grateful.
I am in the throes of transformation and I’m actually excited about it. I’m really starting to believe that anything is possible, not just in theory.
My world just changed. Literally. Life looks so different now. Of course Dream Lover had a lot to do with it, but I think I’ve been moving in this direction for some time now. I have been motivated by the desire to prove something to someone most of my life, the desire to get something. I’ll show them (or me) that I’m smart. I’ll show them that I can do it. I’ll get this or I’ll get that and then it will make such and such proud, or even myself proud. I’ll make myself a role model… It’s been all about me and my self esteem and ego for a while, but I’m realizing that wanting and wanting and wanting and getting really doesn’t make me happy. I’ve come all this way just to see that giving from the heart is so much better than wanting. It just is. And the rest falls into place…
I think this blog was the beginning of the death of my ego. I didn’t have the energy to care about proving anything anymore. I just wanted to be happy and live my purpose, but at first I couldn’t even imagine what that really meant. Now I can visualize things and I actually experience bits of joy in my daily life. Now when I pray and meditate and think about what I can offer to the world and what I can create instead of just thinking about what I can get and sometimes my actions reflect my deepest insights.
And now, with Dream Lover around and another aspect of life coming into view, the thing that I actually always wanted most of all (Love), I see that anything really is possible, and now the question is, as my book put it, what do I really want to do with this physical incarnation I call my life, and why do I want to do it?
It’s a seems like a simple enough question, but for me, it’s a question I’ve never asked from the vantage point of everything is possible. What I wanted to do always had something to do with what I thought I could do. And so I said I wanted to paint the apartment in my kitchen blue when really I wanted to own a home close to nature. And I said I wanted to finish writing a script when really I wanted my script to be a movie.
I think we get what we ask for, and just to be honest, I never really thought I could have the big things that I want, so I never asked them. I never even imagined them, but I am starting to do that now. And it’s a funny thing. It’s not all about me anymore. I mean, it’s not so much about what I want as why I want it. I like this deeper place I am going, this deeper way of living. Don’t get mad at me for saying I like myself and my life. It’s taken me a while to even imagine that I might be valuable. I am valuable…
So, why do I do what I do? Well, it has changed now, God. It has changed. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be deeply connected to people now. I see that now and I even see how that deep seated desire and the denial of such has caused a lot of grief in my life. I didn’t get it and because of the way I grew up and the religion I was in, the people close to me didn’t get it. They couldn’t understand why I would want to be a massage therapist (of all things!) and why I always asked people such prodding, intrusive questions. Anyway…
I think I’ll let that part of my life be over now. The sad part. The sorry part. The victim part. It’s over. There. Done. Now that we are creating a new identity, a new life from the vantage point of freedom and love and possibility and deep connection and spiritual guidance, I would like to move around on the Earth in a different kind of way. So tell me what to do now, God. You already know what to do, You tell me, and You are right. Ask, my Love, and You shall receive. You whisper to the most tender parts of me…
Thank You so much, God.
Day 147
Ask The Questions
So, I’ve been jotting my thoughts down over the past couple of days… I think I accidentally posted some of them…
I’m at Starbucks right now and Seal is singing a song. “I belong to you. You belong to me.”
Love on the mind. Kind of annoying. Thoughts of Dream Lover invading my work space, making me think that nothing else really matters. Repurposing. Restructuring. Recreating my identity. Re-evaluating life.
In a writing cocoon this week. Got a room in a fancy house so I could finish projects without distraction. Not far from Dream Lover. Really going to do it this time. No doubt.
Complete sentences not forming. Complete visions not clear. Only that this is the right place. Only that this is the right time. Only that everything that is happening is good. Great, even.
Everything is different. “Change, already”, You whisper to my spirit. This is your time. He is the one. You know this. Step into your life.
Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. Excited. Scared. Thankful. Why does everything else seem so small standing next to Love? This is not like the movies. Choosing to change my perspective in this instant. Stop whining. See what’s really there.
Step into myself. I’ve been talking about it for a long time. It’s here. I’m here. Weird. Like I’m standing on the outside of me looking at me, sitting in this Starbucks, writing this blog, and my real self, my spirit, is saying, “Come on, now. Let’s fly.” My real self is excited about this time in my life. The time when I say I do. I will. I am. The time when I truly give from the core of all that I am and I truly accept from the core of all that life is.
It’s a tall order. A lifelong quest. A dream come true type of thing… But nothing else matters. How is it that after all this time, after this long journey and all this crying and self torment, I have come to this? Nothing else matters if you are not going to give from the life within you and receive from the life without you.
Lord, You know I have to pray a lot to accept these truths and let them wash away all of the stuff that I have been programming myself with for all these years, but I’m praying. I’m praying and You have been answering my prayers…
So, let’s get out of Starbucks. I’m going back home. Back to the cocoon. I have access to my heart again and I’d like to make some stuff to give to the world. From my heart. I’m not worried anymore. The right people will receive it at the right time. How am I not worried? I really believe that all I have to do is trust my instincts and act on them. I have already done the work to learn and hear your voice and I am still cultivating that part of myself. I also know when I can’t hear your voice and I am learning to sit still at those times.
This is a different way to live. It seems really strange in my mind, but I’m going to go with it. Just over the horizon. Trust your instincts. Just over the horizon, just in front of you, right on the other side of that imaginary veil is your dream life. The catch is, you have to walk towards it before you can actually see it. You are no longer afraid to walk, Laydie, but you have been wobbling, not sure if it is real. It’s okay. Wobble before you can walk, but now I want you to believe me. Believe it. It’s real.
The world has been waiting for you. We have been waiting for you to be yourself. You remember what your classmate said, “I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do”. She meant it. We have been waiting for you to be happy. We have been waiting for you to get over it. Just get over it. You can do it. We have been waiting for your love and your generosity and your strength. You have been waiting for your joy, so step into it now, okay? No rush. Just easy. Let all that other stuff go. You’re not a ghetto girl anymore, but you are still a ghetto girl… You are all of it. Do you understand?
Let’s do the Queen stuff now. Let’s do the giver stuff now. Let’s do the happy stuff now. Let’s do the leader stuff now. Let’s do the joy now. Let’s do the connectivity now. Let’s be alive, okay? OK. We have been playing “bad life” for so long. Let’s do the good life stuff now, Okay? OK…
I can’t wait…
Day 146
The World Is Waiting For You
Dear world,
It’s such a pleasure to reach out and connect with people. This is my joy. To be a part of it all.
Dream Lover is asleep in the room. Yes, him. I am here with him. I think this will last…
I feel like I’m in some kind of dream. I made it to my destination safely. I had another bout of resistance along the way and got out of it by screaming, yelling, and singing affirmations to myself. I ended up writing the rest of a song I’d been working on through that ride…
Dream Lover explained everything to me. He was a scared as* and a jerk. Meh. OK. I forgive him. It’s just easier to forgive. People grow. He’s making amends and showing himself trustworthy now.
I work on my projects all day, exercise, read books and spend time with him. He pays for everything and gives me money and he seems to like doing that. We plan what we are going to do next together. I’m a planner and he’s an executer. He’s ready to get moving on all the things I said I wanted to do in this life but never really thought I could do. He wants to help me do them. He thinks they are good ideas, and since he’s a successful businessman with connections in high places, I believe him. I’m trying not to be scared…
Life is just flowing so smoothly now. Is this real, God? Is this me? Is this my life now? How did I get here? I’m one of those women now. The clean ones that I see at the parks at 11 am taking their children out for walks. The business owners with manicured nails that seem so stress free. The happy ones that seem like they have husbands who actually adore them and are nice to them. I’m becoming one of those women. I can see my new life on the horizon. I am smiling. I am helping people. My skin is clear and my hair grows. I am helping people, but I’m so modest and kind. Is that me? I’m so happy. I do a lot for the world, but it’s not a burden. It’s a joy. I’m like a kid, and in this vision, I even have kids. They are playful and cute like their father. They learn how to laugh big from him…
So this is it. Fear, you are actually losing your grip on me. I see you but you can’t come in. Thank you for protecting me all this time from all the dangers I could have put myself in, but I’d like you to go now. Your services are no longer needed and there are other people in tough situations who could benefit from your company. Thank you for all that you have done for me, but I am safe now, and you see, I can’t take you with me to this new place. You wouldn’t even be interested in coming with me.
Dear God of the heavens and the Earth, master of all that is seen and unseen, dear world, dear me, i am surrendering all that I have been for all that I now am becoming. I am allowing my mind, my body and my spirit to be clean and new again. It is all right with me if I don’t fully understand this process or everything that happens in the world. In this moment, I am stepping into my destiny anyway. I allow life to flow through me. I allow life to flow as me. I am life. I am alive. I reach out and connect to the very essence of aliveness. I give myself to the world, Allah. Here I am. I am here with all of my pieces. Let me savor this moment a little longer… I can see my dream life actually being my real life for the first time ever. I am here Lord! I am myself again. I am myself for the first time ever. And I let it flow. Life is for me and not against me… I let it flow. Yes, Lord, I let it flow. Ameen.
Day 145
Flow
I’m sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere, Country. I left my mom’s house late last night on my way to the other side of the country on the promise of a dream come true…
I haven’t driven that much, though, because I became inordinately tired and so I had to pull over and get some sleep. I recognize resistance when I see it, so this morning I decided to pull over and do some intense prayer and meditation, because I am committed to reaching my destination.
I was feeling quite horrified. Of everything of course. Scared of the possibility of failure and scared of the even greater possibility of success. I’ve experienced failure and I know it very well, so that doesn’t scare me much anymore. But my experience of having the fulfillment of my deepest desires come true has not been as often.
You know, the truth is, this dream come true stuff is even scarier than the fear of not having what we want. We are used to not having what we want. But consider putting your whole self on the line, making yourself that vulnerable, giving your all, sacrificing stuff, and then not getting what you set out to get. That kind of fear can leave you stuck in the middle of nowhere, sitting in a car typing a blog…
So, since I really can’t go back to mom’s house and deep down I know that God-willing I’m going to reach my destination, I have decided to deal with myself before I continue on this journey. I got to the root of my fears: I’ve done this before. Not often, but I’ve given my all before, spent all my money, gone to the limit of giving my heart, done my best at writing something, and prayed and meditated my heart out to try and establish a deep spiritual connection. I ended up being gravely disappointed when my investments turned sour and my love was not returned, when my work was rejected and I was told by people close to me that I have become a lost heathen…
So good. I know why I am scared to give my all and make this big move based on pure faith and intuition: I’ve done it before and ended up getting really damaged…. So, I’m still sitting because knowing why you do what you do is just the beginning of changing a situation. I go deeper. I read the book I am reading and it essentially addresses exactly what I’m dealing with, saying that the bodies of experience that I had before were created by a totally different person than I am now. I never thought of that.
And so I started thinking, well who am I now, or rather, who do I think I am, and this is what came up: lonely, ugly, unsuccessful, worthless, disempowered, poor, broken, victim, unholy. Wow. The good stuff didn’t even come to mind.
So that’s what I’m dealing with now, but you know what? I’m not even dealing with it because I know it’s not true anymore. It was true. I have been that woman. I have been and felt and acted like all those things, but, as I’m sitting in this car, I’m recognizing that I have become someone else and am becoming someone different even in this moment.
And so, God, with your permission, I would like to recreate my identity now, and acknowledge who I am and who I am becoming. Because that old woman that I was cannot be successful at the journey I am taking. I can’t be poor and rich at the same time, and I can’t believe that I am unsuccessful and create any type of success in my life. Feed yourself good food, You tell me, and I give myself permission to eat.
This woman, me, I, sitting in this car on the way to the rest of my life am in this moment acknowledging and creating a new identity, an identity that supports the fulfillment of my destiny on Earth and beyond. I allow my thoughts and self perception to change. I give myself permission to be powerful. Yes, my favorite scary word. Power. I accept you. I allow you to be me. I am powerful and I use my power in a way that is good for all involved. I am powerful. I am powerful. I am powerful. Laydie, you are powerful. That is who you are now.
Holy. Blessed and worthy. Take it. Become it. Believe it. Make it you. We are creating a new identity. We are accepting what is given. I am blessed and holy and guided. That is who I am now. I am blessed and holy and guided. God is for me and not against me. I am good. I am holy. This is who I am. Yes, I am worthy of good things in life. Me. I deserve it. This is who I am. A woman who is deserving of good things in life. I accept them. I accept them, God. I am blessed, holy and worthy of the very best in life and I now graciously accept them.
I already know that I am not alone or ugly. Yes, me, we are supported and loved by many and we give support and love and we are beautiful. We know that.
Let’s deal with success and poverty, and we’ll throw victimization and brokenness in there, because they are all cousins. Let’s go. Who are we now? Who are we becoming? What are we allowing into our lives? This is a hard one for you. Save the best for last. Tell the truth. If you can not truly claim to be it, then at least give yourself permission to become it. I can do that. I give myself permission to succeed at having the life of my dreams, which includes wealth, love, and right work. I give myself permission to be successful. The woman I am becoming is successful. I can be successful. This is a possibility for me. I can be wealthy. Yes, I am choosing to be successful and wealthy, and because I can choose, I am no longer a victim, and because I can heal and have been healing, I am no longer broken. I am whole. I am a creator of circumstances.
Let’s put it all together now. Who do I think I am? Now. I am a powerful woman who uses my power for the good of all involved. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams, holy and worthy of the very best life has to offer. I graciously accept the beauty, support, and love that I have been given and I radiate it back out into the world. I am a multidimensional being with a plethora of life experiences and I walk around on the Earth with the intention of creating that which I wish to see. I have the ability to be wealthy and successful and I allow wealth and success to be a part of my experience even now. Even in this day. I am constantly getting better and better.
This is who I am. This is who I am becoming….
Day 144
Who Do You Think You Are?
Leaving town today. Thank you, God.
Sitting still for a moment. Taking some time to appreciate life. It truly is what you make it and it all starts with such a simple thought.
I have been meditating on joy and deep connection and thinking about the things that are really important to me from this point forward. I don’t feel like a kid anymore, or like a victim of circumstance, and I don’t feel stupid for being me anymore. I feel like a grown up. I’m starting to like myself. I’m starting to like my life. I’m starting to like life in general.
There’s not so much to say today. I don’t even want to talk about what my next adventure is. It’s kind of fragile right now and I’m a little nervous about it, because it’s actually everything I ever dreamed of, but I’ll tell you what’s going on once I feel like the seed is a little more firmly planted.
Suffice it to say that I am constantly amazed by how wonderful life can be. I am pleasantly surprised that I, too, can have peace and joy. I, too, can have deep soulful connections with people and smile from my heart. I, too, can do work that makes me come alive and that work can be a blessing to others. I, too, can be a recipient of blessings.
It’s not magic. It’s not only for smart people or good looking people or rich people or people in positions of power or virgins or people of a particular religion. Life is not only for those who have never seen pain or done something that they might be ashamed of. It’s for everyone. Me, too. You, too.
It’s been a long time coming, but I think I’m finally starting to get it. Life is bigger than me. God is bigger than me. It’s bigger than any trauma I have ever been through. It can forgive anything and start anew. Oh, it can lift you up higher than you ever imagined, and it can turn you into someone that you don’t even recognize anymore. Life can literally rain gifts down on you from places that you never dreamed of. It can heal your broken heart and give you a Love so real that you have to pinch yourself from time to time. It can bring you close to people once again and open your heart so big… Life can even move you into a new house or inspire you to clean up the one you’re in…
You have to let it, though. You have to get over all that stuff. All that sadness, all that confusion, all those stuffed up, blocked up beliefs, all that fear, all those people you hate, it doesn’t do us any good. Those big fat walls that we create to keep us safe from all that bad things “out there” often times only lock us in to a lonely place.
What I’d like to say today, what I’d like to write down in my journal and remember is that life is what you make it. It really is. Broke down poor or whatever. Alone, unhappy, blah blah blah. Whatever. You’re still alive. We’re still here. And we can either keep doing the same old stuff and crying and wasting our precious gifts by keeping them inside and killing ourselves with our horrible relationships and holding on to all these resentments and pains until we give ourselves tumors, or we can do something different.
Like the teacher at my spiritual center said, you’re gonna fail, someone is going to talk about you, and you’re going to die. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to living. This life is such a blessing. Let’s make it good.
Day 143
Life Is What You Make It
My mother kissed me on the forehead this morning while I was sleeping…
Seeing my family again has been wonderful, to say the least. I’ll be leaving in a couple of days. Sat still for a while and clarity finally showed up in one of my prayers. So, I’m going back to Cali, like the song says. I still have things to finish before I start new things.
This past weekend was amazing. Call it fate, but two people who don’t live here just happened to be in the South performing. One of them was the guy who is drawing pictures for my children’s book. He is the brother of a very famous media personality. He just happened to be doing an art show in the South and he posted on his facebook that he would be here. I told him I would come, but when I went, I was nervous to go and speak to him. I didn’t know if he was gonna snob me or act like he knew me. Finally, he saw me and came up to me and hugged me. He gave me a Hollywood kiss on the cheek and met my sister. He asked about the book and my other projects and chatted with me during the show. He signed one of the books that he was selling and addressed it to me, “The Writer”. I was thrilled.
And it didn’t stop there. The next day, I went to see Mr. Almost Famous in a play that he also just happened to be doing in my town. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both of them just happened to be here during the time that I am here. Anyway, Mr. Famous had gotten me some tickets to the play, which he left at will call, but we didn’t say that we were going to meet up afterwards or anything. So, I decided not to be a groupie and just leave him alone after the play. I simply sent him a text telling him he did a good job. My sisters and I were there and we stayed in the theater kind of late, so the ushers made us leave through a back door. When I walked out the door, who did I walk right past? Mr. Almost Famous of course. He was talking to some pretty Hollywood looking girl, so I didn’t want to interrupt, but our eyes met. So, I walked a distance away and talked to my sisters, and they were like, “Go talk to him.” So I walked towards him and as I was walking, he excused himself from the pretty girl and turned around to greet me. He hugged me and we chatted for a bit and he asked if I was with my family. I said yes, and he asked to be introduced, and so I introduced him. Needless to say, I was ecstatic.
It’s not that these people are famous-ish. Well, it kind of is, but it’s more about what they represent. These are people who are living their dreams, people who I look up to, and they are my friends. They value me and think I am worthy of their company, worthy or their return calls and consideration. They help reinforce this idea that I could actually have a good life, that I am worthy of good things…
As I am preparing for my next adventure, something dawned on me. I’m living this year exactly like I said I wanted to: Creative work in the spring, family and fun in the summer, money making and new family in the fall and international heal the world endeavors in the winter. I’m already living my dream life. Sure there are so many more people to reach and so much more money to make and much more Love and Joy and freedom and deep connection to experience, but the worst is over. I can feel it in my bones.
I am not afraid of life anymore. I am not afraid to trust and try and grow and be humble and be bold. I am not even afraid to hurt, because I know that it passes. The worst is over, God, and We are making this life a good life, the way it was intended to be. Thank You so much…
Day 142
The Worst Is Over
Good morning world,
Well, it’s official. I’ll be leaving the fams soon. Yesterday my mom came in and looked at me and said I look like I’ll be leaving soon. When I asked why she thought that, she said that my energy and motivation had diminished since recently and now it seems like I am trying to stay up. Kind of cool that she noticed that. She was right.
Environment makes a difference. Next stop?
I’m not sure what avenue to take next, and so I’m going to trust you, God. In my deep prayer yesterday, You told me to explore all avenues, apply for all jobs that come my way, and reach out to all directions that come to mind during my meditations and prayers, and so I’ll do that. I think it’s just me and You now, God. There is no “thing” or person I’m running towards or running away from anymore…
Mr. Famous is in town performing. He’s such an angel. I don’t think he has any interest in having any kind of romantic relationship with me, nor do I think that there’s anything he wants to get from me, but he’s so nice to me. He hooked me up with tickets to see his show. He calls when he says he will and does what he says he’s going to do. He asks me how I’m doing and listens when I answer. I think he’s doing it on purpose. I get the feeling that I am his experiment on kindness and friendship, and I will gladly be the lab rat…
My heart feels really active, like it’s stretching. Like when you exercise and you realize that you have just accessed a muscle that you haven’t been aware of in years. Hello heart. Nice to feel you again. When did you wake up?
And I’m not depressed or sad or even anxious. I’m just bored with myself. God, I don’t really know the specifics of what I’d like to happen next, so I’m not clear on which direction to go. Everything that I’d like to do involves other people: the man, the writings, the community work, they all involve other people saying yes and picking me, and I have no control over whether people pick me.
So, what can I do on my own? That’s the question my heart has been waiting for! Thank you God. How can I prepare? Let’s face it. Not living the life of your dreams is no longer an option. Do you know what you did this month? You saw what it would be like to live another kind of life, the surface life of your dreams. It’s not a bad life. There are friends and family around. There is food and a decent place to live. People pray all the time. There is whatever prestigious job and there are people who like you…
You have seen the dream that you used to have. You have been asking for clarity. Now look. I am giving it to you. You are clear that this dream is no longer your dream. Sure, there are certain aspects that fit. In fact, most of the outside aspects fit: friends, family, food, shelter, spirituality, good income. But there are other aspects that you have been yearning for since childhood: Joy and Deep Connection. That is really what you have been yearning for. That is what you have been feeling in your heart. Everything else is just a means to that end.
A new life is opening up for you now, and as you get more clear about the root of what it is you are creating, you will be able to create it easier. Don’t worry about overseas. Sure you can go, even now, and make an impact, but you don’t really want to go right now.
On your own, you can seek out avenues and people that bring you joy and are open to deep connections. On your own, you can do things that you feel passionate about and continue to cultivate your spiritual connection. You see now that being happy is not about your mom or your brother or some job or man. It’s not about friends or anything you are doing or not doing. The happiness, the joy, is in you, and you have to come with it if you want it. The potential to have deep connections is in you, but you have to express it and take that risk of being vulnerable. This is not everyone’s path, but this is your path. You have to come with the joy. As you can see, other people are not going to give it to you. As you cultivate your ability to be joyful and to maintain soulful connections, others on the same path will come around you. They, too, don’t always want to be the leaders. They, too, want to surround themselves with others who have made commitments to lead happy lives.
So there. You have guidance now, and I know that you know now what to do next. I do. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid and I can start my day. Thank you, God.
Day 141
Joy And Deep Connection
Another beautiful day. Back and forth, I know, but today is forth. Let’s go a lot forward so that if we move backwards, we at least won’t be in the same place, but will have moved ahead.
God, I feel connected today, like you are on my side. These storms and doubts are little now, creatures of habit more than feelings that have much power over me. People believe in me. My family actually thinks that I can do anything I choose to do, and that means a lot.
Let’s do some work today. Yesterday, I read some profound words and instructions about choice and intention, and I’d like to test them out. My gut tells me they are true. The book reads:
“What is important is that your life choices are made with the energy of decisiveness, and that the full power of your intent supports the avenues selected… The energy of reluctance has no place in the exercise of choice, when the optimum result is to be forthcoming… For the highest possible outcome of any potential life experience, it is necessary for you to be fully present. That means putting the full throttle of your energetic intent behind where you stand, in any given moment… Halfway does not count. Not in the way you would wish it to.”
You know, the words and syntax in this book are pretty complex, and sometimes I have to read passages over and over before I understand them, but somewhere in that chapter, I understood something so profound. And then I read my “Calling In the One” book, and it was talking about the same thing: setting clear intentions and living a life that is consistent with the choice you have made.
So, I think I have something to talk about today. Actually, I am choosing to talk about something today. Recognizing that for some time, I have been kind of, sort of deciding to maybe to do some things and possibly live a certain way. In effect, I have been kind of , sort of doing the things I said I wanted to do. Maybe.
Granted, you have to start where you are, and when I started this blog, I wasn’t thinking about making choices or creating the life of my dreams. I was just trying to find a way to make it through the day and that’s fine. That’s where I was at the time. But I’m somewhere else now. Because after you learn how to make it through the day, you start wondering what you would like to do with your day now. Now that you don’t have some fight to fight or something to cry about or a crisis to tend to.
Once you stop crying and in effect get rid of all the extra drama in your life (it’s kind of like what happens when you decide you don’t want to cry any more), you start asking yourself what life is really about and you might come to a place where you have to decide what you would like your life to be about from this point forward.
This is where I’m at today. I’ve thought about this before, but I have never thought so deeply about what it would really mean, what I would really have to do for me to actually make my life about what I say it’s about.
I’ll give you an example. The other day, an ex-boyfriend of mine called me up. Essentially, he was trying to find a way to spend a lot of time with me this summer. He had some very exciting things that he wanted to do. Now, I have said and have been saying for a long time that I want to be married to someone. In fact, I think I told someone that I wanted to meet my husband before August of this year. I know that I’m not going to marry this ex. But in the past, I would have spent the summer with him just because it sounded like fun, and then August would have come and of course I wouldn’t have met my husband because I would have been with ex the whole summer. In the past, my actions would have been directly contrary to what I said I wanted to do with myself.
It sounds silly, but today is the first day that I’m thinking about consistency. Not only do you have to take actions towards the realization of your goals, but you have to stop taking actions that are contrary to what you say you are trying to create if you really want to see change in your life.
I’ve been cheating myself. Eating ice cream and working out. Making powerful affirmations and following them up with self-destructive behavior. Spending so much time cultivating romantic relationships that are going no where…
It’s okay. I forgive me if no one else does. But I’m gonna do something different now. For real different. God, if you will be with me, I would like to make a real decision today. I have been afraid, You know, of so much. I have been half-stepping in life, never fully being in a relationship with any of these guys, only taking my writing work somewhat serious, not finishing stuff, dropping the ball on major opportunities to do all kinds of work, being all poor when there are so many ways I could make money. Forgive me, please. Forgive me, Laydie for putting you through so much unnecessary suffering and trauma. I didn’t really know that life could actually be anything I choose. I didn’t really believe that anything was possible.
But God is showing us a new way of being. There have been people who have lived this way before. Many of them are still alive. These people live from a place of true and genuine choice. It doesn’t matter if you’re not rich right now, okay? I know it doesn’t make sense to you at times, but for a moment I need you to get out of your mind so you can see the truth… They taught you that the rational mind is all there is, but that’s a lie. Beyond everything you have every experienced is everything you’ve never experienced, and that is where we are headed. That is the work you are doing now. that is the life you are creating now. So let’s go. Now. Choose now. Yes, choose now. . Yes, choose now. Choose now. Let the whole world know, even the haters. There is no fear in an authentic choice. there. See. You ccan feel it. I am with you. Choose to help people all over the world endeavor to live fulfilled lives. Choose it. I have been waiting for you to choose it wholeheartedly. Choose it. The rest is easy after this. You don’t even have to believe. You just have to choose. Choose, in spite of your mind, in spite of all evidence to the contrary.
Sit in your heaven bound car and remember, I have ways and means that you know not of. Do you remember? A year ago you sold your car and when your friends ridiculed you, what did you say? You said I would provide, and did I not? And did you know? Could you have ever imagined how I would get this to you? Of course not. So now, I need you to choose the rest of your life with all your heart. I will provide indeed, if you just give me something to work with. Choose to have a husband. You need him at this point. Choose to be successful. It is your only calling. Ready? Let’s go. Don’t edit this one.
With all of my heart, with every ounce of my being, with all of my mind and soul, I choose to live the life that I am destined to live on this Earth in this lifetime. With all of my heart, I choose to live the life that I was destined to live on this Earth in this lifetime. I trust that I am good and that God is good and that life is for me and not against me. Life is for me and not against me. god is for me and not against me. All of my actions, my thoughts and my words are now, yes now, now and forever more in alignment with this choice. I put my choice out into the atmosphere and God, I accept the changes, the miracles and the manifestations that are to come. Ameen.
Day 140
No More Half Stepping
There’s so much that I don’t know.
When I was a little girl, people used to tell me that I think too much. I’m feeling like that little girl right now, sitting in a study room at the local community college, trying to finish the last draft of a script which I think is guaranteed to sale. (A prominent producer actually read it, said he liked it, and asked me to submit another draft).
I’m that little girl right now, the little girl who thinks too much, and I wish I was someone else. Just for a moment, I wish I could just do things and not think so deeply about them. It gets heavy, you know?
I’m going to have to finish this last draft (and my other projects) and turn stuff in eventually. I’m going to have to do different things with my life, but Lord, why am I so scared? Why does the stuff that I know is good for me seem so daunting?
I have read so many self-help books and studied so many theologies and spiritual paths that I feel like my life should be changed by now. And granted, my mind has changed drastically since I started this experiment, and, I guess my life has changed a lot too, but I still feel like who I think I should be and who I actually am are still very far away from each other…
You say I’m being ungrateful, and perhaps I am. But I’m scared, God. That’s just the bottom line. I’m scared to step into these opportunities. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I can handle the disappointment of coming so close to success with my writing and then being rejected. Or the heartbreak of letting myself be vulnerable with some guy only to be taken for granted again. Or the ridicule that will come if I go overseas and spend all that time over there and don’t even accomplish anything. If I fail, I’ll have to come back to Cali all broke and everyone’s going to be looking at me all funny like I’m a failure. And let’s not talk about what’s going to happen if I actually succeed. Tadaa! I get to lose the few friends that I actually have.
So there you have it. I’m scared to move forward, but I definitely can’t stay still and going backwards is not even an option any more… So that leaves me stuck. Tell me what to do, God. Finish your script, You say. But it’s not good enough and I’m going to get a headache once I start writing. Finish your script, You say… I’m so scared, Allah. I have no idea what the future holds in any direction. You are still telling me to finish my script.
OK. I’m going to shut up and listen. My nerves are on edge, but I said I was going to stop running, so I won’t run this time and find some kind of new distraction. My mom’s going to be so disappointed if I don’t do well, God.
-Face your fears, You say. You know there is no other way. Just face them. I can not tell you how things are going to end up. I can not tell you that you will ever be a writer of any regard or that you will ever have a nice man or that you will ever help people in those other countries live better lives. I can only say that with the path you have chosen for your life, you will not be satisfied unless you try. You can run if you like. Hide. Create as many distractions as you want to. Deep down in your dreams, in your thoughts, in your most sacred places, you know how good life can be. And that knowingness will not leave you alone, no matter how hard you try to blot it out. It will be like a constant itch always leaving you dissatisfied unless and until you tend to it…
-So, are you going to finish your script? Yes, you might get a headache, but don’t expect one.
Sigh… Some folks just came in to share my study room with me. Ha ha. God, you are really good. They are laughing and nice. Where do you come up with this stuff?…
Yes, I am going to finish my script. Not worrying about the results. Letting go. Just letting go and doing my best in life for once. Take care of me, please. I am fragile, you know. You know. I’m trusting you. I’m going to finish my script. I’m going to do my best with Love and with life. Okay… Haha. Still procrastinating. Okay… Here I go. Here goes something… Whew.
Day 139
Face Your Fears
Oh, life. I’m so chill today. The words don’t seem like enough. My heart feels like it wants to burst open.
Will you marry me, Life? Let’s you and I make a promise, okay? Let’s make the rest of this a good time. You say you will show me a good time if I will show you a good time. Sounds good to me…
If and when moments of despair or confusion or fear come my way, I will remember this moment. The moment when I sat in the back of my new car, my gift from Heaven, and typed in a blog. The moment when my little sister came out of the house looking all happy and invited me to go somewhere with her. The moment where I got to be happy while I was happy instead of looking back at it.
I will remember that anything is possible. I promise. You say that knowing this is the key that can unlock any door, and I am unlocking them. With gratitude. So much gratitude.
You came in the night and took away my fear and anxiety. You brought such peace to my Spirit, and I know what happens when I am peaceful. You and I work so well together when I am in this state.
You whispered to me last night and told me that the rest of what happens in life is up to me. All I have to do is make up my mind about the what and You will take care of the how. It sounds too good to be true, and You tell me to erase the doubts by remembering that anything is possible. Seal my prayers with this mantra and I will see… I already know.
You know, the rest of what I’d like to experience here is really big compared to what I have seen thus far. I think I’m not so scared anymore, though. You say I’m not.
– We are out of recovery and into the world now. We are going to practice manifestation, and don’t let this word scare you. You can still call God the boss or Life or the Universe or whatever, and indeed I am the boss. But you are the boss, too.
– This will thing that you have? What do you think that’s about? Use it. And use it big. So, from now on, we are going to do things a little differently. You have already been doing it, but lets do it on purpose now. We are going to use our will to be Creators instead of reactors. Example. No more, “I wish such and such will be nice to me.” No. That’s giving your power away. Instead, say “I am choosing to create relationships that are mutually uplifting” and set that as the tone for your experiences. That way, you give Me more to work with. That way, you create positive relationships and reject detrimental ones as an unconscious way of life. Maybe such and such will be nice to you, if both of your wills are in alignment, but if they are not, then such and such will just disappear and I can give you something better than you have ever imagined.
– There is no need to try and control or manipulate other people anymore. Leave them alone. They are on their own journeys. Just be clear about what you would like for yourself and you will be able find the people who complement your path.
– Trust me. You are learning to do that, I know, and as you can see, it is good for you. Sweet, sweet, Laydie, I have so many good gifts for you. I know, the good things still overwhelm you, but we are breaking those patterns. Let’s take it slow and as you get stronger in accepting good things, as funny as that sounds, I will give you more, and in turn I know that you will give the world more, because you will be bringing it the best of who you are. So let’s start this beautiful, blessed day out right today. Your momma needs a smile. Go share one with her…
Day 138
Anything Is Possible
