Leaving town today. Thank you, God.
Sitting still for a moment. Taking some time to appreciate life. It truly is what you make it and it all starts with such a simple thought.
I have been meditating on joy and deep connection and thinking about the things that are really important to me from this point forward. I don’t feel like a kid anymore, or like a victim of circumstance, and I don’t feel stupid for being me anymore. I feel like a grown up. I’m starting to like myself. I’m starting to like my life. I’m starting to like life in general.
There’s not so much to say today. I don’t even want to talk about what my next adventure is. It’s kind of fragile right now and I’m a little nervous about it, because it’s actually everything I ever dreamed of, but I’ll tell you what’s going on once I feel like the seed is a little more firmly planted.
Suffice it to say that I am constantly amazed by how wonderful life can be. I am pleasantly surprised that I, too, can have peace and joy. I, too, can have deep soulful connections with people and smile from my heart. I, too, can do work that makes me come alive and that work can be a blessing to others. I, too, can be a recipient of blessings.
It’s not magic. It’s not only for smart people or good looking people or rich people or people in positions of power or virgins or people of a particular religion. Life is not only for those who have never seen pain or done something that they might be ashamed of. It’s for everyone. Me, too. You, too.
It’s been a long time coming, but I think I’m finally starting to get it. Life is bigger than me. God is bigger than me. It’s bigger than any trauma I have ever been through. It can forgive anything and start anew. Oh, it can lift you up higher than you ever imagined, and it can turn you into someone that you don’t even recognize anymore. Life can literally rain gifts down on you from places that you never dreamed of. It can heal your broken heart and give you a Love so real that you have to pinch yourself from time to time. It can bring you close to people once again and open your heart so big… Life can even move you into a new house or inspire you to clean up the one you’re in…
You have to let it, though. You have to get over all that stuff. All that sadness, all that confusion, all those stuffed up, blocked up beliefs, all that fear, all those people you hate, it doesn’t do us any good. Those big fat walls that we create to keep us safe from all that bad things “out there” often times only lock us in to a lonely place.
What I’d like to say today, what I’d like to write down in my journal and remember is that life is what you make it. It really is. Broke down poor or whatever. Alone, unhappy, blah blah blah. Whatever. You’re still alive. We’re still here. And we can either keep doing the same old stuff and crying and wasting our precious gifts by keeping them inside and killing ourselves with our horrible relationships and holding on to all these resentments and pains until we give ourselves tumors, or we can do something different.
Like the teacher at my spiritual center said, you’re gonna fail, someone is going to talk about you, and you’re going to die. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to living. This life is such a blessing. Let’s make it good.
Day 143
Life Is What You Make It
My mother kissed me on the forehead this morning while I was sleeping…
Seeing my family again has been wonderful, to say the least. I’ll be leaving in a couple of days. Sat still for a while and clarity finally showed up in one of my prayers. So, I’m going back to Cali, like the song says. I still have things to finish before I start new things.
This past weekend was amazing. Call it fate, but two people who don’t live here just happened to be in the South performing. One of them was the guy who is drawing pictures for my children’s book. He is the brother of a very famous media personality. He just happened to be doing an art show in the South and he posted on his facebook that he would be here. I told him I would come, but when I went, I was nervous to go and speak to him. I didn’t know if he was gonna snob me or act like he knew me. Finally, he saw me and came up to me and hugged me. He gave me a Hollywood kiss on the cheek and met my sister. He asked about the book and my other projects and chatted with me during the show. He signed one of the books that he was selling and addressed it to me, “The Writer”. I was thrilled.
And it didn’t stop there. The next day, I went to see Mr. Almost Famous in a play that he also just happened to be doing in my town. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both of them just happened to be here during the time that I am here. Anyway, Mr. Famous had gotten me some tickets to the play, which he left at will call, but we didn’t say that we were going to meet up afterwards or anything. So, I decided not to be a groupie and just leave him alone after the play. I simply sent him a text telling him he did a good job. My sisters and I were there and we stayed in the theater kind of late, so the ushers made us leave through a back door. When I walked out the door, who did I walk right past? Mr. Almost Famous of course. He was talking to some pretty Hollywood looking girl, so I didn’t want to interrupt, but our eyes met. So, I walked a distance away and talked to my sisters, and they were like, “Go talk to him.” So I walked towards him and as I was walking, he excused himself from the pretty girl and turned around to greet me. He hugged me and we chatted for a bit and he asked if I was with my family. I said yes, and he asked to be introduced, and so I introduced him. Needless to say, I was ecstatic.
It’s not that these people are famous-ish. Well, it kind of is, but it’s more about what they represent. These are people who are living their dreams, people who I look up to, and they are my friends. They value me and think I am worthy of their company, worthy or their return calls and consideration. They help reinforce this idea that I could actually have a good life, that I am worthy of good things…
As I am preparing for my next adventure, something dawned on me. I’m living this year exactly like I said I wanted to: Creative work in the spring, family and fun in the summer, money making and new family in the fall and international heal the world endeavors in the winter. I’m already living my dream life. Sure there are so many more people to reach and so much more money to make and much more Love and Joy and freedom and deep connection to experience, but the worst is over. I can feel it in my bones.
I am not afraid of life anymore. I am not afraid to trust and try and grow and be humble and be bold. I am not even afraid to hurt, because I know that it passes. The worst is over, God, and We are making this life a good life, the way it was intended to be. Thank You so much…
Day 142
The Worst Is Over
Good morning world,
Well, it’s official. I’ll be leaving the fams soon. Yesterday my mom came in and looked at me and said I look like I’ll be leaving soon. When I asked why she thought that, she said that my energy and motivation had diminished since recently and now it seems like I am trying to stay up. Kind of cool that she noticed that. She was right.
Environment makes a difference. Next stop?
I’m not sure what avenue to take next, and so I’m going to trust you, God. In my deep prayer yesterday, You told me to explore all avenues, apply for all jobs that come my way, and reach out to all directions that come to mind during my meditations and prayers, and so I’ll do that. I think it’s just me and You now, God. There is no “thing” or person I’m running towards or running away from anymore…
Mr. Famous is in town performing. He’s such an angel. I don’t think he has any interest in having any kind of romantic relationship with me, nor do I think that there’s anything he wants to get from me, but he’s so nice to me. He hooked me up with tickets to see his show. He calls when he says he will and does what he says he’s going to do. He asks me how I’m doing and listens when I answer. I think he’s doing it on purpose. I get the feeling that I am his experiment on kindness and friendship, and I will gladly be the lab rat…
My heart feels really active, like it’s stretching. Like when you exercise and you realize that you have just accessed a muscle that you haven’t been aware of in years. Hello heart. Nice to feel you again. When did you wake up?
And I’m not depressed or sad or even anxious. I’m just bored with myself. God, I don’t really know the specifics of what I’d like to happen next, so I’m not clear on which direction to go. Everything that I’d like to do involves other people: the man, the writings, the community work, they all involve other people saying yes and picking me, and I have no control over whether people pick me.
So, what can I do on my own? That’s the question my heart has been waiting for! Thank you God. How can I prepare? Let’s face it. Not living the life of your dreams is no longer an option. Do you know what you did this month? You saw what it would be like to live another kind of life, the surface life of your dreams. It’s not a bad life. There are friends and family around. There is food and a decent place to live. People pray all the time. There is whatever prestigious job and there are people who like you…
You have seen the dream that you used to have. You have been asking for clarity. Now look. I am giving it to you. You are clear that this dream is no longer your dream. Sure, there are certain aspects that fit. In fact, most of the outside aspects fit: friends, family, food, shelter, spirituality, good income. But there are other aspects that you have been yearning for since childhood: Joy and Deep Connection. That is really what you have been yearning for. That is what you have been feeling in your heart. Everything else is just a means to that end.
A new life is opening up for you now, and as you get more clear about the root of what it is you are creating, you will be able to create it easier. Don’t worry about overseas. Sure you can go, even now, and make an impact, but you don’t really want to go right now.
On your own, you can seek out avenues and people that bring you joy and are open to deep connections. On your own, you can do things that you feel passionate about and continue to cultivate your spiritual connection. You see now that being happy is not about your mom or your brother or some job or man. It’s not about friends or anything you are doing or not doing. The happiness, the joy, is in you, and you have to come with it if you want it. The potential to have deep connections is in you, but you have to express it and take that risk of being vulnerable. This is not everyone’s path, but this is your path. You have to come with the joy. As you can see, other people are not going to give it to you. As you cultivate your ability to be joyful and to maintain soulful connections, others on the same path will come around you. They, too, don’t always want to be the leaders. They, too, want to surround themselves with others who have made commitments to lead happy lives.
So there. You have guidance now, and I know that you know now what to do next. I do. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid and I can start my day. Thank you, God.
Day 141
Joy And Deep Connection
Another beautiful day. Back and forth, I know, but today is forth. Let’s go a lot forward so that if we move backwards, we at least won’t be in the same place, but will have moved ahead.
God, I feel connected today, like you are on my side. These storms and doubts are little now, creatures of habit more than feelings that have much power over me. People believe in me. My family actually thinks that I can do anything I choose to do, and that means a lot.
Let’s do some work today. Yesterday, I read some profound words and instructions about choice and intention, and I’d like to test them out. My gut tells me they are true. The book reads:
“What is important is that your life choices are made with the energy of decisiveness, and that the full power of your intent supports the avenues selected… The energy of reluctance has no place in the exercise of choice, when the optimum result is to be forthcoming… For the highest possible outcome of any potential life experience, it is necessary for you to be fully present. That means putting the full throttle of your energetic intent behind where you stand, in any given moment… Halfway does not count. Not in the way you would wish it to.”
You know, the words and syntax in this book are pretty complex, and sometimes I have to read passages over and over before I understand them, but somewhere in that chapter, I understood something so profound. And then I read my “Calling In the One” book, and it was talking about the same thing: setting clear intentions and living a life that is consistent with the choice you have made.
So, I think I have something to talk about today. Actually, I am choosing to talk about something today. Recognizing that for some time, I have been kind of, sort of deciding to maybe to do some things and possibly live a certain way. In effect, I have been kind of , sort of doing the things I said I wanted to do. Maybe.
Granted, you have to start where you are, and when I started this blog, I wasn’t thinking about making choices or creating the life of my dreams. I was just trying to find a way to make it through the day and that’s fine. That’s where I was at the time. But I’m somewhere else now. Because after you learn how to make it through the day, you start wondering what you would like to do with your day now. Now that you don’t have some fight to fight or something to cry about or a crisis to tend to.
Once you stop crying and in effect get rid of all the extra drama in your life (it’s kind of like what happens when you decide you don’t want to cry any more), you start asking yourself what life is really about and you might come to a place where you have to decide what you would like your life to be about from this point forward.
This is where I’m at today. I’ve thought about this before, but I have never thought so deeply about what it would really mean, what I would really have to do for me to actually make my life about what I say it’s about.
I’ll give you an example. The other day, an ex-boyfriend of mine called me up. Essentially, he was trying to find a way to spend a lot of time with me this summer. He had some very exciting things that he wanted to do. Now, I have said and have been saying for a long time that I want to be married to someone. In fact, I think I told someone that I wanted to meet my husband before August of this year. I know that I’m not going to marry this ex. But in the past, I would have spent the summer with him just because it sounded like fun, and then August would have come and of course I wouldn’t have met my husband because I would have been with ex the whole summer. In the past, my actions would have been directly contrary to what I said I wanted to do with myself.
It sounds silly, but today is the first day that I’m thinking about consistency. Not only do you have to take actions towards the realization of your goals, but you have to stop taking actions that are contrary to what you say you are trying to create if you really want to see change in your life.
I’ve been cheating myself. Eating ice cream and working out. Making powerful affirmations and following them up with self-destructive behavior. Spending so much time cultivating romantic relationships that are going no where…
It’s okay. I forgive me if no one else does. But I’m gonna do something different now. For real different. God, if you will be with me, I would like to make a real decision today. I have been afraid, You know, of so much. I have been half-stepping in life, never fully being in a relationship with any of these guys, only taking my writing work somewhat serious, not finishing stuff, dropping the ball on major opportunities to do all kinds of work, being all poor when there are so many ways I could make money. Forgive me, please. Forgive me, Laydie for putting you through so much unnecessary suffering and trauma. I didn’t really know that life could actually be anything I choose. I didn’t really believe that anything was possible.
But God is showing us a new way of being. There have been people who have lived this way before. Many of them are still alive. These people live from a place of true and genuine choice. It doesn’t matter if you’re not rich right now, okay? I know it doesn’t make sense to you at times, but for a moment I need you to get out of your mind so you can see the truth… They taught you that the rational mind is all there is, but that’s a lie. Beyond everything you have every experienced is everything you’ve never experienced, and that is where we are headed. That is the work you are doing now. that is the life you are creating now. So let’s go. Now. Choose now. Yes, choose now. . Yes, choose now. Choose now. Let the whole world know, even the haters. There is no fear in an authentic choice. there. See. You ccan feel it. I am with you. Choose to help people all over the world endeavor to live fulfilled lives. Choose it. I have been waiting for you to choose it wholeheartedly. Choose it. The rest is easy after this. You don’t even have to believe. You just have to choose. Choose, in spite of your mind, in spite of all evidence to the contrary.
Sit in your heaven bound car and remember, I have ways and means that you know not of. Do you remember? A year ago you sold your car and when your friends ridiculed you, what did you say? You said I would provide, and did I not? And did you know? Could you have ever imagined how I would get this to you? Of course not. So now, I need you to choose the rest of your life with all your heart. I will provide indeed, if you just give me something to work with. Choose to have a husband. You need him at this point. Choose to be successful. It is your only calling. Ready? Let’s go. Don’t edit this one.
With all of my heart, with every ounce of my being, with all of my mind and soul, I choose to live the life that I am destined to live on this Earth in this lifetime. With all of my heart, I choose to live the life that I was destined to live on this Earth in this lifetime. I trust that I am good and that God is good and that life is for me and not against me. Life is for me and not against me. god is for me and not against me. All of my actions, my thoughts and my words are now, yes now, now and forever more in alignment with this choice. I put my choice out into the atmosphere and God, I accept the changes, the miracles and the manifestations that are to come. Ameen.
Day 140
No More Half Stepping
There’s so much that I don’t know.
When I was a little girl, people used to tell me that I think too much. I’m feeling like that little girl right now, sitting in a study room at the local community college, trying to finish the last draft of a script which I think is guaranteed to sale. (A prominent producer actually read it, said he liked it, and asked me to submit another draft).
I’m that little girl right now, the little girl who thinks too much, and I wish I was someone else. Just for a moment, I wish I could just do things and not think so deeply about them. It gets heavy, you know?
I’m going to have to finish this last draft (and my other projects) and turn stuff in eventually. I’m going to have to do different things with my life, but Lord, why am I so scared? Why does the stuff that I know is good for me seem so daunting?
I have read so many self-help books and studied so many theologies and spiritual paths that I feel like my life should be changed by now. And granted, my mind has changed drastically since I started this experiment, and, I guess my life has changed a lot too, but I still feel like who I think I should be and who I actually am are still very far away from each other…
You say I’m being ungrateful, and perhaps I am. But I’m scared, God. That’s just the bottom line. I’m scared to step into these opportunities. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I can handle the disappointment of coming so close to success with my writing and then being rejected. Or the heartbreak of letting myself be vulnerable with some guy only to be taken for granted again. Or the ridicule that will come if I go overseas and spend all that time over there and don’t even accomplish anything. If I fail, I’ll have to come back to Cali all broke and everyone’s going to be looking at me all funny like I’m a failure. And let’s not talk about what’s going to happen if I actually succeed. Tadaa! I get to lose the few friends that I actually have.
So there you have it. I’m scared to move forward, but I definitely can’t stay still and going backwards is not even an option any more… So that leaves me stuck. Tell me what to do, God. Finish your script, You say. But it’s not good enough and I’m going to get a headache once I start writing. Finish your script, You say… I’m so scared, Allah. I have no idea what the future holds in any direction. You are still telling me to finish my script.
OK. I’m going to shut up and listen. My nerves are on edge, but I said I was going to stop running, so I won’t run this time and find some kind of new distraction. My mom’s going to be so disappointed if I don’t do well, God.
-Face your fears, You say. You know there is no other way. Just face them. I can not tell you how things are going to end up. I can not tell you that you will ever be a writer of any regard or that you will ever have a nice man or that you will ever help people in those other countries live better lives. I can only say that with the path you have chosen for your life, you will not be satisfied unless you try. You can run if you like. Hide. Create as many distractions as you want to. Deep down in your dreams, in your thoughts, in your most sacred places, you know how good life can be. And that knowingness will not leave you alone, no matter how hard you try to blot it out. It will be like a constant itch always leaving you dissatisfied unless and until you tend to it…
-So, are you going to finish your script? Yes, you might get a headache, but don’t expect one.
Sigh… Some folks just came in to share my study room with me. Ha ha. God, you are really good. They are laughing and nice. Where do you come up with this stuff?…
Yes, I am going to finish my script. Not worrying about the results. Letting go. Just letting go and doing my best in life for once. Take care of me, please. I am fragile, you know. You know. I’m trusting you. I’m going to finish my script. I’m going to do my best with Love and with life. Okay… Haha. Still procrastinating. Okay… Here I go. Here goes something… Whew.
Day 139
Face Your Fears
Oh, life. I’m so chill today. The words don’t seem like enough. My heart feels like it wants to burst open.
Will you marry me, Life? Let’s you and I make a promise, okay? Let’s make the rest of this a good time. You say you will show me a good time if I will show you a good time. Sounds good to me…
If and when moments of despair or confusion or fear come my way, I will remember this moment. The moment when I sat in the back of my new car, my gift from Heaven, and typed in a blog. The moment when my little sister came out of the house looking all happy and invited me to go somewhere with her. The moment where I got to be happy while I was happy instead of looking back at it.
I will remember that anything is possible. I promise. You say that knowing this is the key that can unlock any door, and I am unlocking them. With gratitude. So much gratitude.
You came in the night and took away my fear and anxiety. You brought such peace to my Spirit, and I know what happens when I am peaceful. You and I work so well together when I am in this state.
You whispered to me last night and told me that the rest of what happens in life is up to me. All I have to do is make up my mind about the what and You will take care of the how. It sounds too good to be true, and You tell me to erase the doubts by remembering that anything is possible. Seal my prayers with this mantra and I will see… I already know.
You know, the rest of what I’d like to experience here is really big compared to what I have seen thus far. I think I’m not so scared anymore, though. You say I’m not.
– We are out of recovery and into the world now. We are going to practice manifestation, and don’t let this word scare you. You can still call God the boss or Life or the Universe or whatever, and indeed I am the boss. But you are the boss, too.
– This will thing that you have? What do you think that’s about? Use it. And use it big. So, from now on, we are going to do things a little differently. You have already been doing it, but lets do it on purpose now. We are going to use our will to be Creators instead of reactors. Example. No more, “I wish such and such will be nice to me.” No. That’s giving your power away. Instead, say “I am choosing to create relationships that are mutually uplifting” and set that as the tone for your experiences. That way, you give Me more to work with. That way, you create positive relationships and reject detrimental ones as an unconscious way of life. Maybe such and such will be nice to you, if both of your wills are in alignment, but if they are not, then such and such will just disappear and I can give you something better than you have ever imagined.
– There is no need to try and control or manipulate other people anymore. Leave them alone. They are on their own journeys. Just be clear about what you would like for yourself and you will be able find the people who complement your path.
– Trust me. You are learning to do that, I know, and as you can see, it is good for you. Sweet, sweet, Laydie, I have so many good gifts for you. I know, the good things still overwhelm you, but we are breaking those patterns. Let’s take it slow and as you get stronger in accepting good things, as funny as that sounds, I will give you more, and in turn I know that you will give the world more, because you will be bringing it the best of who you are. So let’s start this beautiful, blessed day out right today. Your momma needs a smile. Go share one with her…
Day 138
Anything Is Possible
I’ve been wanting to write for the past couple of days, but had too much and nothing to write about.
Frustrated. Overseas trip has to be delayed. Can’t go back to my Cali apartment till July, since I sublet it. Told Dream Lover I didn’t want to be with him. Hard to get work done when certain family members are around. Promised to provide financial support for some folks and need to make more money fast. Feel like running away…
These past couple of months have just been about me wanting to run away places. How do I get myself into these situations that aren’t good for me in the first place? Sometimes I don’t know what to do. Like now.
Do I stay here in the South with my family where I can save some money but I might have to struggle real hard to actually get work done and I have to sit in the air conditioner that makes me sneeze and listen to the TV blaring all day and babysit whoever’s kids at random moments or do I find an escape and run away somewhere or do I try and find a way to make it work?
I’m tired of running away, but it always just seems like the easiest option when things aren’t working out. How could I stay and make things work here? Air condition, TV and babies aren’t going away. Certain family members are not planning on changing any time soon. I don’t know what to do.
Tired of problems and drama. I really am. Feel so depleted. Blah. Was just starting to taste joy and happiness and progress and now it feels like it is leaving me fast… Miss opening up the windows in my room and looking out at the trees with the bright pink flowers and going to the parks and my spiritual center. Miss mingling with the new friends that I was just starting to make and hanging out at the Writer’s Guild and seeing people who are actually living their dreams and eating twelve grain bread and drinking my green juice, which I have to go way to the other side of town to find here.
Miss my peaceful life in California. Life here doesn’t fit me any more. Makes me kind of sad, because if there was any place that I thought I would fit in perfectly, it would have been here with my family and friends that I grew up with.
Contemplating running again, but I don’t want to run because I think I have a problem with running…
Incomplete sentences. Incomplete thoughts. Fragments. Scattered all over my brain. This is how it is sometimes. This is how I am sometimes. Not always good. In limbo. Indecisive. Mean.
God, would you Love me anyway? That’s what I’d really like. Would you be nice to me anyway even if I don’t rock the baby to sleep and even if I’m not witty all the time and sometimes I cry over stuff that seems silly? Would you be with me, please?
I’m tired of being alone. I miss my dad. He used to laugh at my jokes. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is all right, someone whose word I can actually believe in. I want my family and friends to be happy and to be happy for me when I do well. I want to have a good love with a good man and I want to be able to do the work I’m supposed to do on this Earth and do it well. I wish the world would change and we could just get over ourselves and be good to each other. I wish our society was set up differently so that people already had the basics that they needed to survive and they didn’t have to spend all their time and energy just trying to find a way to pay bills and eat and they could focus on more meaningful things… And all of my wishes and wants just seem like dreams right now, God. I wish Dream Lover could get over his fears and just Love me.
So, I’m not going to pretend like I’m all happy right now. I’m not despairing and that’s good. I know that when I wake up in the morning, it’s going to be a brand new day and at least one thing that didn’t make sense tonight will make sense tomorrow. But right now, I’m going to stop running from my feelings of sadness and confusion and, somehow heartbreak. I’m just gonna feel what I feel and let the feeling go away when it does. It happens sometimes, you know. Sometimes you know it all and sometimes you don’t. It’s all part of a life…
Good night world. I’ll be here tomorrow… Mwa.
Day 137
Stop Running
Went to visit friends. Came back today. Men, old and new, have been showing up in my life with gifts and offers. Always a sign of change. Dream Lover reappeared. Called me last night and talked me through my whole four hour drive home…
Sigh… God. Allah. Jah. Eloim. Abwun Debashmaye. I Am That I Am. I am here at a crossroads again. Nothing particularly dramatic happening. No pressure. No pending eviction or abusive relationship. Money in the bank, but in this moment I am feeling like whatever little decisions I make next are going to be a very big deal.
OK. Starting at the beginning. Starting where I am now. Right here. Letting the fears and doubts go for a moment. They will be there to torment me whenever I wish, but for now, I’m letting them go in this moment. Right now. Right now. Refocusing. Asking the right questions. Accepting the truth. Telling the truth.
I’m horrified, God. I am on the brink of massive transformation, in a good way. I know I would like to pretend that I’m all evolved and that this doesn’t scare me, but it scares me more than anything else in the world. It should be a good thing, I know. I’ve always been looking for a hero, and somebody(s) have offered to save me. To help me. To give me money just to do what I like doing and walk with me to the next level of life and buoy me up and share with me. You have sent me so many angels, God, and I can’t help but feel a little unworthy. I can’t help but think it’s a little unfair…
So here I am. Back to the beginning. Seeking truth. Re-centering. Refocusing. You’re pulling out the big guns now. You sent Dream Lover in to whisper in my ear, just as I thought I was sure about what I wanted in life and now I have to actually exercise good judgement instead of just talking about it.
You put me in the midst of some of the closest people to me and made me see that some of them actually hate my guts and then asked me to love them and forgive them and be good to myself and progress anyway, even though other people I’m close to may not like me either if I do too well…
I see that I am being dragged through the trenches and I am my own lab rat. Please be with me. There is a part of me that is so afraid of the good things. I know that I will be all right, but here and now, as my body trembles at the thought of some man actually loving me and being there for me, and as I intentionally procrastinate on submitting a writing project that is basically guaranteed to sell, the part of me that knows everything is going to be all right and the part of me that is scared to death seem to be at war with one another.
And many of us have been here before. We know what to do. We may even know how to do it. But we get mired in fear every time we try to make a move. How do we get over it, God?
You say we don’t. Then what do we do? Nothing. Huh? You don’t have to get over fear. It dissipates with action. Let’s talk real talk today.
Dream Lover has no power over you. You will marry him if you want to. He wants to marry you and he will marry you if you choose him, but he has some work to do first. Help him. It’s just that easy. You find it hard to believe that it’s just that easy. You find it hard to accept that things are working out so well, but this is what you said you wanted, and indeed, this is still what you want, and moreover this is your destiny. You abhor the thought of being special or being different. You have always hated that about yourself, but you can’t help it. I need you to accept that. You can’t help being who you are. Accept it. Breathe…
Yes. There are angels everywhere. There are flowers everywhere for those who seek them. You have been seeking Me, Lady, and Now I am showing you My miracles and you are running away and crying, but the path you have chosen, the path that is in you, is not for the cowardly, and you are not of the cowardly. You are of the brave. Accept it. Accept a good thing about yourself.
This moment of fear will pass. It has passed already. Do you see how quickly it can happen? You are now in on-the-job training. Don’t worry. You will not let yourself down as long as you continue to cultivate an awareness of truth and act on it. Do you see what is happening to you? If you do not, then open your eye. There is no room for being sorry any more. There is no room for lamenting your past. There is no room for giving your power away just so you can be accepted. You need your power. And your fear. And your instincts. And your mind. And your compassion. And your body. And most of all Your Love.
You have the audacity to say you want to help those who have no hope. Those who have never seen faith. Those who are destitute and starving and heartbroken. You want people to take your words seriously and you think you are qualified to write books and speak about happiness. So prove it. Stop crying. Push through your fears. Be loving in the midst of pain and adversity. Show compassion. Have a loving relationship. Accept miracles. Prove it! Prove that I Am Real! Prove that life is good. Forgive people for real. Move forward for real. This is your time, Lady. It’s time, already.
Day 136
Prove It
Good morning world,
I just wrote a blog that is twice as long as my longest blog, so I think I’m going to go back and edit this one.
It’s 5:42 Cali time and 7:42 in the South. Have you seen that movie Inception? Sometimes I wake up in the morning and it feels like something has come in the night and planted such lovely thoughts in my subconscious. Life seems better when I open my eyes.I had one of those moments early this morning.
I guess I should back-track before I tell you what happened. I came to the South about a week ago. I’m not gonna talk about how I ended up here, but in retrospect, I realize that this is exactly the kind of life I said I wanted. Work on creative projects for part of the year, spend the summer with family, go help heal the world for a portion of my time, and then hang out with my new family and work on money making and building with my husband and babies. I don’t have the husband and babies yet, but I’d like them. So when I touched base in the South about a week ago, after driving over 24 hours through all kinds of elements, I decided that I’m going to use this vacation time to do exactly what I said I was going to do: plant all the seeds that I would like to blossom into my dream life.
For the past week, I have had a very disciplined regime that addresses all areas of my life: completing creative projects, learning how to stay true to myself while sharing a life with others, putting in work and doing research for my overseas ambitions, and preparing my mind, body and soul for this magnificent life that I say I want, which includes spiritual alignment, a mate, harmonious relationships and the right work. My methods for preparation include exercise, prayer, meditation, and reading and I’m putting everything I’m learning into practice with my friends and family.
I am still looking for flowers and I am finding them everywhere. And it’s kind of cool, because even though this is my life, sometimes I can look at myself from an outsider’s perspective and I can see that I am learning exactly what I need to learn to move me to the next level. I am learning how to be myself amongst powerful people who may not have the same views as me. I am strengthening my connection with others and I don’t feel so separate from people anymore. I am developing healthy boundaries and saying yes and no to whoever I want to whenever I want to. What’s most fun is learning how to communicate exactly what I want to communicate with people… I’m glad to be here today. I’m glad that this is another day that I’m glad to be here.
So, about my dream-vision. One of the books that I’m reading in order to help prepare myself for a life mate is “Calling In The One”. I had read this book before, and actually, right after reading it, my life was going exceptionally well. I was in Cali finishing my Master’s degree, I had friends and I was on good terms with family, I had finished my first script and actually got someone at a studio to read it, I was in great shape and I had actually met the man whose relationship precipitated this blog.
At the time, he was the best thing I had ever known. He was actually nice to me at first. He’d buy me flowers and cards and read books and pray with me. And he was super handsome and the right age and rich and talented. Hmmm… I’m just realizing that we had a really good thing for a while. I had forgotten… The guy actually Loved me… I think our love just got lost in translation and buried underneath all of our fears.
Wow. This is how it happens, huh God? You go digging and everything just comes up. I’m just realizing that he’s not evil. I had been demonizing him for quite some time so I could feel better about our relationship, but the truth is, most of us aren’t completely evil. Their good just gets lost in translation…
And I’m back at forgiveness again. We don’t really mean it. We don’t really want to go to war and hurt each other. We don’t really want to cheat or attack the people we love. Or run away from the people that we want so badly to be close to. We just don’t know what else to do. We just get so caught up in our own sh*t and so scared of everything that we mess up the very things we say we want. At the end of the day, I’m not even mad any more. Well, just a little bit, but that will pass I’m sure…
This morning Dream Lover came to me in a vision and we talked. He told me the truth about everything that happened and he told me how horrified he was for loving me so much. In “Calling In The One”, one of the exercises is to write a letter to yourself as if it is written to you from your dream Love. You are supposed to tell yourself all of the things that you wish your lover would say to you. I had done the exercise yesterday, but this morning in my Dream Lover vision, I realized something. I had never done the opposite. I had never thought about what I was willing to give to the love of my life. You have to do these things on purpose, you know.
So this morning, Me and Dream Lover had a moment and I apologized to him. I had been wanting him to give me all these things, but I had never sat down with myself and asked what I was willing to give him. And this morning in my vision, I gave him everything that I had never thought to give him in real life. I gave him a safe place to put his heart and told him that I would always be there for him. I told him that I thought he was a good person and I was proud of him and we told each other so many sweet things that we never said in real life.
Dreams are wonderful like that. We may never say these things to each other in real life, but it was enough for me to say it in a dream. It was enough for me to be reminded that I can do this stuff on purpose. Moving forward, whichever man I am blessed to be with, I can give him support on purpose. I can remind him that he is good and forgive him on purpose. I can make an intention to make him feel Loved. What a concept. And mostly, I can deal with my own sh*t so that when I find that fabulous, hot man, (and I know he is coming), I am ready and willing and able to give and receive the best I have to offer and the best life has to give.
This is such a good life, God. This is such a good day. I’ve got good stuff and I’m finally willing to give it. I’m not even worried about the return. I know it will come. Thank you so much.
Day 134
What Are You Willing To Give
hownottocryeveryday 