Day 139 – Face Your Fears

There’s so much that I don’t know.

When I was a little girl, people used to tell me that I think too much. I’m feeling like that little girl right now, sitting in a study room at the local community college, trying to finish the last draft of a script which I think is guaranteed to sale. (A prominent producer actually read it, said he liked it, and asked me to submit another draft).

I’m that little girl right now, the little girl who thinks too much, and I wish I was someone else. Just for a moment, I wish I could just do things and not think so deeply about them. It gets heavy, you know?

I’m going to have to finish this last draft (and my other projects) and turn stuff in eventually. I’m going to have to do different things with my life, but Lord, why am I so scared? Why does the stuff that I know is good for me seem so daunting?

I have read so many self-help books and studied so many theologies and spiritual paths that I feel like my life should be changed by now. And granted, my mind has changed drastically since I started this experiment, and, I guess my life has changed a lot too, but I still feel like who I think I should be and who I actually am are still very far away from each other…

You say I’m being ungrateful, and perhaps I am. But I’m scared, God. That’s just the bottom line. I’m scared to step into these opportunities. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if I can handle the disappointment of coming so close to success with my writing and then being rejected. Or the heartbreak of letting myself be vulnerable with some guy only to be taken for granted again. Or the ridicule that will come if I go overseas and spend all that time over there and don’t even accomplish anything. If I fail, I’ll have to come back to Cali all broke and everyone’s going to be looking at me all funny like I’m a failure. And let’s not talk about what’s going to happen if I actually succeed. Tadaa! I get to lose the few friends that I actually have.

So there you have it. I’m scared to move forward, but I definitely can’t stay still and going backwards is not even an option any more… So that leaves me stuck. Tell me what to do, God. Finish your script, You say. But it’s not good enough and I’m going to get a headache once I start writing. Finish your script, You say… I’m so scared, Allah. I have no idea what the future holds in any direction. You are still telling me to finish my script.

OK. I’m going to shut up and listen. My nerves are on edge, but I said I was going to stop running, so I won’t run this time and find some kind of new distraction. My mom’s going to be so disappointed if I don’t do well, God.

-Face your fears, You say. You know there is no other way. Just face them. I can not tell you how things are going to end up. I can not tell you that you will ever be a writer of any regard or that you will ever have a nice man or that you will ever help people in those other countries live better lives. I can only say that with the path you have chosen for your life, you will not be satisfied unless you try. You can run if you like. Hide. Create as many distractions as you want to. Deep down in your dreams, in your thoughts, in your most sacred places, you know how good life can be. And that knowingness will not leave you alone, no matter how hard you try to blot it out. It will be like a constant itch always leaving you dissatisfied unless and until you tend to it…

-So, are you going to finish your script? Yes, you might get a headache, but don’t expect one.

Sigh… Some folks just came in to share my study room with me. Ha ha. God, you are really good. They are laughing and nice. Where do you come up with this stuff?…

Yes, I am going to finish my script. Not worrying about the results. Letting go. Just letting go and doing my best in life for once. Take care of me, please. I am fragile, you know. You know. I’m trusting you. I’m going to finish my script. I’m going to do my best with Love and with life. Okay… Haha. Still procrastinating. Okay… Here I go. Here goes something… Whew.

Day 139

Face Your Fears