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Day 136 – Prove It

May 29, 2012

Went to visit friends. Came back today. Men, old and new, have been showing up in my life with gifts and offers. Always a sign of change. Dream Lover reappeared. Called me last night and talked me through my whole four hour drive home…

Sigh… God. Allah. Jah. Eloim. Abwun Debashmaye. I Am That I Am. I am here at a crossroads again. Nothing particularly dramatic happening. No pressure. No pending eviction or abusive relationship. Money in the bank, but in this moment I am feeling like whatever little decisions I make next are going to be a very big deal.

OK. Starting at the beginning. Starting where I am now. Right here. Letting the fears and doubts go for a moment. They will be there to torment me whenever I wish, but for now, I’m letting them go in this moment. Right now. Right now. Refocusing. Asking the right questions. Accepting the truth. Telling the truth.

I’m horrified, God. I am on the brink of massive transformation, in a good way. I know I would like to pretend that I’m all evolved and that this doesn’t scare me, but it scares me more than anything else in the world. It should be a good thing, I know. I’ve always been looking for a hero, and somebody(s) have offered to save me. To help me. To  give me money just to do what I like doing and walk with me to the next level of life and buoy me up and share with me. You have sent me so many angels, God, and I can’t help but feel a little unworthy. I can’t help but think it’s a little unfair…

So here I am. Back to the beginning. Seeking truth. Re-centering. Refocusing. You’re pulling out the big guns now. You sent Dream Lover in to whisper in my ear, just as I thought I was sure about what I wanted in life and now I have to actually exercise good judgement instead of just talking about it.

You put me in the midst of some of the closest people to me and made me see that some of them actually hate my guts and then asked me to love them and forgive them and be good to myself and progress anyway, even though other people I’m close to may not like me either if I do too well…

I see that I am being dragged through the trenches and I am my own lab rat. Please be with me. There is a part of me that is so afraid of the good things. I know that I will be all right, but here and now, as my body trembles at the thought of some man actually loving me and being there for me, and as I intentionally procrastinate on submitting a writing project that is basically guaranteed to sell, the part of me that knows everything is going to be all right and the part of me that is scared to death seem to be at war with one another.

And many of us have been here before. We know what to do. We may even know how to do it. But we get mired in fear every time we try to make a move. How do we get over it, God?

You say we don’t. Then what do we do? Nothing. Huh?  You don’t have to get over fear. It dissipates with action. Let’s talk real talk today.

Dream Lover has no power over you. You will marry him if you want to. He wants to marry you and he will marry you if you choose him, but he has some work to do first. Help him. It’s just that easy. You find it hard to believe that it’s just that easy. You find it hard to accept that things are working out so well, but this is what you said you wanted, and indeed, this is still what you want, and moreover this is your destiny. You abhor the thought of being special or being different. You have always hated that about yourself, but you can’t help it. I need you to accept that. You can’t help being who you are. Accept it. Breathe…

Yes. There are angels everywhere. There are flowers everywhere for those who seek them. You have been seeking Me, Lady, and Now I am showing you My miracles and you are running away and crying, but the path you have chosen, the path that is in you, is not for the cowardly, and you are not of the cowardly. You are of the brave. Accept it. Accept a good thing about yourself.

This moment of fear will pass. It has passed already. Do you see how quickly it can happen? You are now in on-the-job training. Don’t worry. You will not let yourself down as long as you continue to cultivate an awareness of truth and act on it. Do you see what is happening to you? If you do not, then open your eye. There is no room for being sorry any more. There is no room for lamenting your past. There is no room for giving your power away just so you can be accepted. You need your power. And your fear. And your instincts. And your mind. And your compassion. And your body. And most of all Your Love.

You have the audacity to say you want to help those who have no hope. Those who have never seen faith. Those who are destitute and starving and heartbroken. You want people to take your words seriously and you think you are qualified to write books and speak about happiness. So prove it. Stop crying. Push through your fears. Be loving in the midst of pain and adversity. Show compassion. Have a loving relationship. Accept miracles. Prove it! Prove that I Am Real! Prove that life is good. Forgive people for real. Move forward for real. This is your time, Lady. It’s time, already.

Day 136

Prove It

From → The Nitty Gritty

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