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Day 134 – What Are You Willing To Give

May 20, 2012

Good morning world,

I just wrote a blog that is twice as long as my longest blog, so I think I’m going to go back and edit this one.

It’s 5:42 Cali time and 7:42 in the South. Have you seen that movie Inception? Sometimes I wake up in the morning and it feels like something has come in the night and planted such lovely thoughts in my subconscious. Life seems better when I open my eyes.I had one of those moments early this morning.

I guess I should back-track before I tell you what happened. I came to the South about a week ago. I’m not gonna talk about how I ended up here, but in retrospect, I realize that this is exactly the kind of life I said I wanted. Work on creative projects for part of the year, spend the summer with family, go help heal the world for a portion of my time, and then hang out with my new family and work on money making and building with my husband and babies. I don’t have the husband and babies yet, but I’d like them. So when I touched base in the South about a week ago, after driving over 24 hours through all kinds of elements, I decided that I’m going to use this vacation time to do exactly what I said I was going to do: plant all the seeds that I would like to blossom into my dream life.

For the past week, I have had a very disciplined regime that addresses all areas of my life: completing creative projects, learning how to stay true to myself while sharing a life with others, putting in work and doing research for my overseas ambitions, and preparing my mind, body and soul for this magnificent life that I say I want, which includes spiritual alignment, a mate, harmonious relationships and the right work. My methods for preparation include exercise, prayer, meditation, and reading and I’m putting everything I’m learning into practice with my friends and family.

I am still looking for flowers and I am finding them everywhere. And it’s kind of cool, because even though this is my life, sometimes I can look at myself from an outsider’s perspective and I can see that I am learning exactly what I need to learn to move me to the next level. I am learning how to be myself amongst powerful people who may not have the same views as me. I am strengthening my connection with others and I don’t feel so separate from people anymore. I am developing healthy boundaries and saying yes and no to whoever I want to whenever I want to. What’s most fun is learning how to communicate exactly what I want to communicate with people… I’m glad to be here today. I’m glad that this is another day that I’m glad to be here.

So, about my dream-vision. One of the books that I’m reading in order to help prepare myself for a life mate is “Calling In The One”. I had read this book before, and actually, right after reading it, my life was going exceptionally well. I was in Cali finishing my Master’s degree, I had friends and I was on good terms with family, I had finished my first script and actually got someone at a studio to read it, I was in great shape and I had actually met the man whose relationship precipitated this blog.

At the time, he was the best thing I had ever known. He was actually nice to me at first. He’d buy me flowers and cards and read books and pray with me. And he was super handsome and the right age and rich and talented. Hmmm… I’m just realizing that we had a really good thing for a while. I had forgotten… The guy actually Loved me… I think our love just got lost in translation and buried underneath all of our fears.

Wow. This is how it happens, huh God? You go digging and everything just comes up. I’m just realizing that he’s not evil. I had been demonizing him for quite some time so I could feel better about our relationship, but the truth is, most of us aren’t completely evil. Their good just gets lost in translation…

And I’m back at forgiveness again. We don’t really mean it. We don’t really want to go to war and hurt each other. We don’t really want to cheat or attack the people we love. Or run away from the people that we want so badly to be close to. We just don’t know what else to do. We just get so caught up in our own sh*t and so scared of everything  that we mess up the very things we say we want. At the end of the day, I’m not even mad any more. Well, just a little bit, but that will pass I’m sure…

This morning Dream Lover came to me in a vision and we talked. He told me the truth about everything that happened and he told me how horrified he was for loving me so much. In “Calling In The One”, one of the exercises is to write a letter to yourself as if it is written to you from your dream Love. You are supposed to tell yourself all of the things that you wish your lover would say to you. I had done the exercise yesterday, but this morning in my Dream Lover vision, I realized something. I had never done the opposite. I had never thought about what I was willing to give to the love of my life. You have to do these things on purpose, you know.

So this morning, Me and Dream Lover had a moment and I apologized to him. I had been wanting him to give me all these things, but I had never sat down with myself and asked what I was willing to give him. And this morning in my vision, I gave him everything that I had never thought to give him in real life. I gave him a safe place to put his heart and told him that I would always be there for him. I told him that I thought he was a good person and I was proud of him and we told each other so many sweet things that we never said in real life.

Dreams are wonderful like that. We may never say these things to each other in real life, but it was enough for me to say it in a dream. It was enough for me to be reminded that I can do this stuff on purpose. Moving forward, whichever man I am blessed to be with, I can give him support on purpose. I can remind him that he is good and forgive him on purpose. I can make an intention to make him feel Loved. What a concept. And mostly, I can deal with my own sh*t so that when I find that fabulous, hot man, (and I know he is coming), I am ready and willing and able to give and receive the best I have to offer and the best life has to give.

This is such a good life, God. This is such a good day. I’ve got good stuff and I’m finally willing to give it. I’m not even worried about the return. I know it will come. Thank you so much.

Day 134

What Are You Willing To Give

 

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