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Day 135 – The Devil’s In The Details

May 24, 2012

Good morning world,

It’s 4:30 am and I finally woke up earlier than the rest of my family members. They are some early risers!

I’m traveling today. Not far- just going to a neighboring city to see two of my best friends in the world for a couple of days…

This week has been kind of a blur. With the exception of my daily exercising and book reading, not much activity. A lot of TV. Bored out of my mind. Not depressed. Just bored. Really really excited about seeing one of my friends who is so alive.

So, what do I want to write about and why did I wake up at 4:30 in the morning to write it? I really don’t know, but I usually wake up super early. I just don’t get off the bed until sunrise. But this morning I was exceptionally antsy. I was tired of sleeping.

I am tired of sleeping and sitting still while life keeps moving. That’s why I’m up this morning. Because I think I had to tell someone, connect with someone somewhere, feel like my existence mattered somehow… I wanted to tell someone that I’m awake now. I’m awake. I’m alive. Hi. Hello. It’s me. I’ve come with all my things and none of them at the same time.

Staying in a box somewhere all day and watching television can take a toll on you, especially if you’re in a box alone or if you’re not connecting with your fellow box mates.

This has been one of my greatest fears. That I will come with all of my things. I will do all the work and write the best thing ever and dance the best dance and give my heart and soul, and no one will even notice. Or worse yet, they will notice and confirm the thought that has haunted me so deeply: that I was stupid all along.

I am awake this morning, and fear, today I am looking you in the eye. Because I got off the bed when I wanted to this morning and I am able to touch the silence in a house full of noise…

And I am listening, God. Speak to me. It has come to this. This is the last leg, isn’t it? Yes, You say. Life will be much, much different after this. I will go for a walk with my mother this morning. She takes my growing apart personal, but it’s not personal. It’s just growth.

That song, “Speak Lord. Speak to Me” is playing in the back of my mind. Speak to me, God. I am listening. This isn’t even about me anymore. This is about life. And I am listening. You have been working quite a number on me and that’s fine by me. I’m ready to get down to the nitty gritty now. I can look my fears in the eye and see them for exactly what they are: half-truths, choices, lies, areas to grow. I can see that they only make up half of the possibilities and I am ready to experience the other half of the equation.

I have been on a journey for quite some time, and I finally feel like I have done enough work to where I deserve it now. I have paid my dues and suffered enough. I have had enough heartbreak and disonnectedness. I have been poor enough and lonely enough. I have cried through the nights and days and weeks. And it took all that for me to be able to accept good things without feeling guilty about it. And I can do it now. I know I can. I can accept your blessings and not f*ck it up. I managed not to get my car stolen again. Haha.

So let’s do this. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The new premises for the foundation I am building for my particular journey that I call life. One. The highest possible results are automatically forthcoming. I am planting that into my nervous system. My life is a good life. Check. Help is everywhere, I am safe and Loved and loving and anything is possible. Check. And let’s add this. I am connected to everyone and everything. These are premises that I can believe in at the moment. When I come to know and embody them, I will add more seasoning…

I recognize, though, that these are basic generalizations, and although, for me, they are a good foundation for the life I am creating, the devil is in the details… My family is awake now. Wow they wake up early. It’s okay. We can focus a little longer…

God you left me just now. Come back, please. Okay, maybe you didn’t leave me, but I left you. Let me hear your voice again. I am available again. I so Love to talk to and listen to You. Truth and Receptivity, we are becoming good friends. Be with me as I set a clear intention for this new chapter in this thing I call life. I am no longer bound by my fears. I accept that I am powerful. I accept that my life is a good life. I accept that for whatever intention I put for into the atmosphere, the ighest possible results are automatically forthcoming. I accept my own power and I proclaim that power is a good word, a necessary word.

Truth, guide me on this new journey, so that I am not confused by the many influences that will come from within and without. Lord, You have already prepared the way. Help me to see it and to follow it. I am open. There is no need to debate about my path. There is no need for validation. Go within and I will find You there, You say, and the evidence of Your guidance will be indisputable. Trust in the insights that I have in the pure moments of connection. Act on what I know.

The nitty-gritty starts now. The foundation is laid and I know it. Now we fine-tune, sculpt, mold and chip away. Don’t worry about the old lady telling you about the recession and telling you how lucky you must be while she arches your eyebrows in the middle of the day. Don’t worry about the sad people everywhere. They are on their own paths and you will bump into each other as I see fit to lead you. It is for your own good. All of you. Both of you are bumping into each other as you travel on your own journeys towards Me, and it is for your own good. No, you are not a prophet, or even a writer. You are not a box or a category. You are a multitude of things, but here and now, you are a woman, living a life. Focus on that. Focus on living a life in truth, a life that reflects the deepest truth that you can access. The rest, as you know, will fall into place.

This is the last part. It’s supposed to be the best part of the story. The resolution. Where the hero ties up all the loose ends and demonstrates whatever she has learned along her journey. She either lives or dies. Can you imagine, that for the next pages that you are writing in your life, you are the author? Completely. You have thoughts about bills and food and meands and ways and that’s fine. I offer you a gift, though. Along with your thoughts of all the things that must be done, grant yourself the Grace of thinking about the really story, what’s really going on here. Don’t think about your mother. Don’t think about your friends. Don’t think about a man or lack thereof .Don’t think about money or success. Think about the true story that you are creating. The real story.

The girl goes through all this drama. She is you, except she is a woman, even though she thinks of herself as a girl. The woman goes through all of this drama and she is becoming a queen even though she doesn’t recognize it. She has come back home and deep down she knows why she has come back home. She did it on purpose. Home is where she finds her deepest loves and her deepest fears and she knows she must face them both before she moves on. Now, you are the writer, and you know that your weakest point in writing is working on the details and making things consistent. It’s the same issue that your hero faces in her life. This is her last challenge. The last act. She has been learning how to overcome her weaknesses all along, and now she is being tested. What will she do? How will she do it? Write it out, Laydie. Make it your story and make it a good one that you will love. It’s your life, babe. It’s your life…

Day 135

The Devil’s In The Details


From → The Nitty Gritty

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