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Day 141 – Joy And Deep Connection

June 8, 2012

Good morning world,

Well, it’s official. I’ll be leaving the fams soon. Yesterday my mom came in and looked at me and said I look like I’ll be leaving soon. When I asked why she thought that, she said that my energy and motivation had diminished since recently and now it seems like I am trying to stay up. Kind of cool that she noticed that. She was right.

Environment makes a difference. Next stop?

I’m not sure what avenue to take next, and so I’m going to trust you, God. In my deep prayer yesterday, You told me to explore all avenues, apply for all jobs that come my way, and reach out to all directions that come to mind during my meditations and prayers, and so I’ll do that. I think it’s just me and You now, God. There is no “thing” or person I’m running towards or running away from anymore…

Mr. Famous is in town performing. He’s such an angel. I don’t think he has any interest in having any kind of romantic relationship with me, nor do I think that there’s anything he wants to get from me, but he’s so nice to me. He hooked me up with tickets to see his show. He calls when he says he will and does what he says he’s going to do. He asks me how I’m doing and listens when I answer. I think he’s doing it on purpose. I get the feeling that I am his experiment on kindness and friendship, and I will gladly be the lab rat…

My heart feels really active, like it’s stretching. Like when you exercise and you realize that you have just accessed a muscle that you haven’t been aware of in years. Hello heart. Nice to feel you again. When did you wake up?

And I’m not depressed or sad or even anxious. I’m just bored with myself. God, I don’t really know the specifics of what I’d like to happen next, so I’m not clear on which direction to go. Everything that I’d like to do involves other people: the man, the writings, the community work, they all involve other people saying yes and picking me, and I have no control over whether people pick me.

So, what can I do on my own? That’s the question my heart has been waiting for! Thank you God. How can I prepare? Let’s face it. Not living the life of your dreams is no longer an option. Do you know what you did this month? You saw what it would be like to live another kind of life, the surface life of your dreams. It’s not a bad life. There are friends and family around. There is food and a decent place to live. People pray all the time. There is whatever prestigious job and there are people who like you…

You have seen the dream that you used to have. You have been asking for clarity. Now look. I am giving it to you. You are clear that this dream is no longer your dream. Sure, there are certain aspects that fit. In fact, most of the outside aspects fit: friends, family, food, shelter, spirituality, good income. But there are other aspects that you have been yearning for since childhood: Joy and Deep Connection. That is really what you have been yearning for. That is what you have been feeling in your heart. Everything else is just a means to that end.

A new life is opening up for you now, and as you get more clear about the root of what it is you are creating, you will be able to create it easier. Don’t worry about overseas. Sure you can go, even now, and make an impact, but you don’t really want to go right now.

On your own, you can seek out avenues and people that bring you joy and are open to deep connections. On your own, you can do things that you feel passionate about and continue to cultivate your spiritual connection. You see now that being happy is not about your mom or your brother or some job or man. It’s not about friends or anything you are doing or not doing. The happiness, the joy,  is in you, and you have to come with it if you want it. The potential to have deep connections is in you, but you have to express it and take that risk of being vulnerable. This is not everyone’s path, but this is your path. You have to come with the joy. As you can see, other people are not going to give it to you. As you cultivate your ability to be joyful and to maintain soulful connections, others on the same path will come around you. They, too, don’t always want to be the leaders. They, too, want to surround themselves with others who have made commitments to lead happy lives.

So there. You have guidance now, and I know that you know now what to do next. I do. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid and I can start my day. Thank you, God.

Day 141

Joy And Deep Connection

From → The Nitty Gritty

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