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Day 137 – Stop Running

June 1, 2012

I’ve been wanting to write for the past couple of days, but had too much and nothing to write about.

Frustrated. Overseas trip has to be delayed. Can’t go back to my Cali apartment till July, since I sublet it. Told Dream Lover I didn’t want to be with him. Hard to get work done when certain family members are around. Promised to provide financial support for some folks and need to make more money fast. Feel like running away…

These past couple of months have just been about me wanting to run away places. How do I get myself into these situations that aren’t good for me in the first place? Sometimes I don’t know what to do. Like now.

Do I stay here in the South with my family where I can save some money but I might have to struggle real hard to actually get work done and I have to sit in the air conditioner that makes me sneeze and listen to the TV blaring all day and babysit whoever’s kids at random moments or do I find an escape and run away somewhere or do I try and find a way to make it work?

I’m tired of running away, but it always just seems like the easiest option when things aren’t working out. How could I stay and make things work here? Air condition, TV and babies aren’t going away. Certain family members are not planning on changing any time soon. I don’t know what to do.

Tired of problems and drama. I really am. Feel so depleted. Blah. Was just starting to taste joy and happiness and progress and now it feels like it is leaving me fast… Miss opening up the windows in my room and looking out at the trees with the bright pink flowers and going to the parks and my spiritual center. Miss mingling with the new friends that I was just starting to make and hanging out at the Writer’s Guild and seeing people who are actually living their dreams and eating twelve grain bread and drinking my green juice, which I have to go way to the other side of town to find here.

Miss my peaceful life in California. Life here doesn’t fit me any more. Makes me kind of sad, because if there was any place that I thought I would fit in perfectly, it would have been here with my family and friends that I grew up with.

Contemplating running again, but I don’t want to run because I think I have a problem with running…

Incomplete sentences. Incomplete thoughts. Fragments. Scattered all over my brain. This is how it is sometimes. This is how I am sometimes. Not always good. In limbo. Indecisive. Mean.

God, would you Love me anyway? That’s what I’d really like. Would you be nice to me anyway even if I don’t rock the baby to sleep and even if I’m not witty all the time and sometimes I cry over stuff that seems silly? Would you be with me, please?

I’m tired of being alone. I miss my dad. He used to laugh at my jokes. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is all right, someone whose word I can actually believe in. I want my family and friends to be happy and to be happy for me when I do well. I want to have a good love with a good man and I want to be able to do the work I’m supposed to do on this Earth and do it well. I wish the world would change and we could just get over ourselves and be good to each other. I wish our society was set up differently so that people already had the basics that they needed to survive and they didn’t have to spend all their time and energy just trying to find a way to pay bills and eat and they could focus on more meaningful things… And all of my wishes and wants just seem like dreams right now, God. I wish Dream Lover could get over his fears and just Love me.

So, I’m not going to pretend like I’m all happy right now. I’m not despairing and that’s good. I know that when I wake up in the morning, it’s going to be a brand new day and at least one thing that didn’t make sense tonight will make sense tomorrow. But right now, I’m going to stop running from my feelings of sadness and confusion and, somehow heartbreak. I’m just gonna feel what I feel and let the feeling go away when it does. It happens sometimes, you know. Sometimes you know it all and sometimes you don’t. It’s all part of a life…

Good night world. I’ll be here tomorrow… Mwa.

Day 137

Stop Running

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From → The Nitty Gritty

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