I’ve been wanting to write for the past couple of days, but had too much and nothing to write about.
Frustrated. Overseas trip has to be delayed. Can’t go back to my Cali apartment till July, since I sublet it. Told Dream Lover I didn’t want to be with him. Hard to get work done when certain family members are around. Promised to provide financial support for some folks and need to make more money fast. Feel like running away…
These past couple of months have just been about me wanting to run away places. How do I get myself into these situations that aren’t good for me in the first place? Sometimes I don’t know what to do. Like now.
Do I stay here in the South with my family where I can save some money but I might have to struggle real hard to actually get work done and I have to sit in the air conditioner that makes me sneeze and listen to the TV blaring all day and babysit whoever’s kids at random moments or do I find an escape and run away somewhere or do I try and find a way to make it work?
I’m tired of running away, but it always just seems like the easiest option when things aren’t working out. How could I stay and make things work here? Air condition, TV and babies aren’t going away. Certain family members are not planning on changing any time soon. I don’t know what to do.
Tired of problems and drama. I really am. Feel so depleted. Blah. Was just starting to taste joy and happiness and progress and now it feels like it is leaving me fast… Miss opening up the windows in my room and looking out at the trees with the bright pink flowers and going to the parks and my spiritual center. Miss mingling with the new friends that I was just starting to make and hanging out at the Writer’s Guild and seeing people who are actually living their dreams and eating twelve grain bread and drinking my green juice, which I have to go way to the other side of town to find here.
Miss my peaceful life in California. Life here doesn’t fit me any more. Makes me kind of sad, because if there was any place that I thought I would fit in perfectly, it would have been here with my family and friends that I grew up with.
Contemplating running again, but I don’t want to run because I think I have a problem with running…
Incomplete sentences. Incomplete thoughts. Fragments. Scattered all over my brain. This is how it is sometimes. This is how I am sometimes. Not always good. In limbo. Indecisive. Mean.
God, would you Love me anyway? That’s what I’d really like. Would you be nice to me anyway even if I don’t rock the baby to sleep and even if I’m not witty all the time and sometimes I cry over stuff that seems silly? Would you be with me, please?
I’m tired of being alone. I miss my dad. He used to laugh at my jokes. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is all right, someone whose word I can actually believe in. I want my family and friends to be happy and to be happy for me when I do well. I want to have a good love with a good man and I want to be able to do the work I’m supposed to do on this Earth and do it well. I wish the world would change and we could just get over ourselves and be good to each other. I wish our society was set up differently so that people already had the basics that they needed to survive and they didn’t have to spend all their time and energy just trying to find a way to pay bills and eat and they could focus on more meaningful things… And all of my wishes and wants just seem like dreams right now, God. I wish Dream Lover could get over his fears and just Love me.
So, I’m not going to pretend like I’m all happy right now. I’m not despairing and that’s good. I know that when I wake up in the morning, it’s going to be a brand new day and at least one thing that didn’t make sense tonight will make sense tomorrow. But right now, I’m going to stop running from my feelings of sadness and confusion and, somehow heartbreak. I’m just gonna feel what I feel and let the feeling go away when it does. It happens sometimes, you know. Sometimes you know it all and sometimes you don’t. It’s all part of a life…
Good night world. I’ll be here tomorrow… Mwa.
Day 137
Stop Running
Went to visit friends. Came back today. Men, old and new, have been showing up in my life with gifts and offers. Always a sign of change. Dream Lover reappeared. Called me last night and talked me through my whole four hour drive home…
Sigh… God. Allah. Jah. Eloim. Abwun Debashmaye. I Am That I Am. I am here at a crossroads again. Nothing particularly dramatic happening. No pressure. No pending eviction or abusive relationship. Money in the bank, but in this moment I am feeling like whatever little decisions I make next are going to be a very big deal.
OK. Starting at the beginning. Starting where I am now. Right here. Letting the fears and doubts go for a moment. They will be there to torment me whenever I wish, but for now, I’m letting them go in this moment. Right now. Right now. Refocusing. Asking the right questions. Accepting the truth. Telling the truth.
I’m horrified, God. I am on the brink of massive transformation, in a good way. I know I would like to pretend that I’m all evolved and that this doesn’t scare me, but it scares me more than anything else in the world. It should be a good thing, I know. I’ve always been looking for a hero, and somebody(s) have offered to save me. To help me. To give me money just to do what I like doing and walk with me to the next level of life and buoy me up and share with me. You have sent me so many angels, God, and I can’t help but feel a little unworthy. I can’t help but think it’s a little unfair…
So here I am. Back to the beginning. Seeking truth. Re-centering. Refocusing. You’re pulling out the big guns now. You sent Dream Lover in to whisper in my ear, just as I thought I was sure about what I wanted in life and now I have to actually exercise good judgement instead of just talking about it.
You put me in the midst of some of the closest people to me and made me see that some of them actually hate my guts and then asked me to love them and forgive them and be good to myself and progress anyway, even though other people I’m close to may not like me either if I do too well…
I see that I am being dragged through the trenches and I am my own lab rat. Please be with me. There is a part of me that is so afraid of the good things. I know that I will be all right, but here and now, as my body trembles at the thought of some man actually loving me and being there for me, and as I intentionally procrastinate on submitting a writing project that is basically guaranteed to sell, the part of me that knows everything is going to be all right and the part of me that is scared to death seem to be at war with one another.
And many of us have been here before. We know what to do. We may even know how to do it. But we get mired in fear every time we try to make a move. How do we get over it, God?
You say we don’t. Then what do we do? Nothing. Huh? You don’t have to get over fear. It dissipates with action. Let’s talk real talk today.
Dream Lover has no power over you. You will marry him if you want to. He wants to marry you and he will marry you if you choose him, but he has some work to do first. Help him. It’s just that easy. You find it hard to believe that it’s just that easy. You find it hard to accept that things are working out so well, but this is what you said you wanted, and indeed, this is still what you want, and moreover this is your destiny. You abhor the thought of being special or being different. You have always hated that about yourself, but you can’t help it. I need you to accept that. You can’t help being who you are. Accept it. Breathe…
Yes. There are angels everywhere. There are flowers everywhere for those who seek them. You have been seeking Me, Lady, and Now I am showing you My miracles and you are running away and crying, but the path you have chosen, the path that is in you, is not for the cowardly, and you are not of the cowardly. You are of the brave. Accept it. Accept a good thing about yourself.
This moment of fear will pass. It has passed already. Do you see how quickly it can happen? You are now in on-the-job training. Don’t worry. You will not let yourself down as long as you continue to cultivate an awareness of truth and act on it. Do you see what is happening to you? If you do not, then open your eye. There is no room for being sorry any more. There is no room for lamenting your past. There is no room for giving your power away just so you can be accepted. You need your power. And your fear. And your instincts. And your mind. And your compassion. And your body. And most of all Your Love.
You have the audacity to say you want to help those who have no hope. Those who have never seen faith. Those who are destitute and starving and heartbroken. You want people to take your words seriously and you think you are qualified to write books and speak about happiness. So prove it. Stop crying. Push through your fears. Be loving in the midst of pain and adversity. Show compassion. Have a loving relationship. Accept miracles. Prove it! Prove that I Am Real! Prove that life is good. Forgive people for real. Move forward for real. This is your time, Lady. It’s time, already.
Day 136
Prove It
Good morning world,
I just wrote a blog that is twice as long as my longest blog, so I think I’m going to go back and edit this one.
It’s 5:42 Cali time and 7:42 in the South. Have you seen that movie Inception? Sometimes I wake up in the morning and it feels like something has come in the night and planted such lovely thoughts in my subconscious. Life seems better when I open my eyes.I had one of those moments early this morning.
I guess I should back-track before I tell you what happened. I came to the South about a week ago. I’m not gonna talk about how I ended up here, but in retrospect, I realize that this is exactly the kind of life I said I wanted. Work on creative projects for part of the year, spend the summer with family, go help heal the world for a portion of my time, and then hang out with my new family and work on money making and building with my husband and babies. I don’t have the husband and babies yet, but I’d like them. So when I touched base in the South about a week ago, after driving over 24 hours through all kinds of elements, I decided that I’m going to use this vacation time to do exactly what I said I was going to do: plant all the seeds that I would like to blossom into my dream life.
For the past week, I have had a very disciplined regime that addresses all areas of my life: completing creative projects, learning how to stay true to myself while sharing a life with others, putting in work and doing research for my overseas ambitions, and preparing my mind, body and soul for this magnificent life that I say I want, which includes spiritual alignment, a mate, harmonious relationships and the right work. My methods for preparation include exercise, prayer, meditation, and reading and I’m putting everything I’m learning into practice with my friends and family.
I am still looking for flowers and I am finding them everywhere. And it’s kind of cool, because even though this is my life, sometimes I can look at myself from an outsider’s perspective and I can see that I am learning exactly what I need to learn to move me to the next level. I am learning how to be myself amongst powerful people who may not have the same views as me. I am strengthening my connection with others and I don’t feel so separate from people anymore. I am developing healthy boundaries and saying yes and no to whoever I want to whenever I want to. What’s most fun is learning how to communicate exactly what I want to communicate with people… I’m glad to be here today. I’m glad that this is another day that I’m glad to be here.
So, about my dream-vision. One of the books that I’m reading in order to help prepare myself for a life mate is “Calling In The One”. I had read this book before, and actually, right after reading it, my life was going exceptionally well. I was in Cali finishing my Master’s degree, I had friends and I was on good terms with family, I had finished my first script and actually got someone at a studio to read it, I was in great shape and I had actually met the man whose relationship precipitated this blog.
At the time, he was the best thing I had ever known. He was actually nice to me at first. He’d buy me flowers and cards and read books and pray with me. And he was super handsome and the right age and rich and talented. Hmmm… I’m just realizing that we had a really good thing for a while. I had forgotten… The guy actually Loved me… I think our love just got lost in translation and buried underneath all of our fears.
Wow. This is how it happens, huh God? You go digging and everything just comes up. I’m just realizing that he’s not evil. I had been demonizing him for quite some time so I could feel better about our relationship, but the truth is, most of us aren’t completely evil. Their good just gets lost in translation…
And I’m back at forgiveness again. We don’t really mean it. We don’t really want to go to war and hurt each other. We don’t really want to cheat or attack the people we love. Or run away from the people that we want so badly to be close to. We just don’t know what else to do. We just get so caught up in our own sh*t and so scared of everything that we mess up the very things we say we want. At the end of the day, I’m not even mad any more. Well, just a little bit, but that will pass I’m sure…
This morning Dream Lover came to me in a vision and we talked. He told me the truth about everything that happened and he told me how horrified he was for loving me so much. In “Calling In The One”, one of the exercises is to write a letter to yourself as if it is written to you from your dream Love. You are supposed to tell yourself all of the things that you wish your lover would say to you. I had done the exercise yesterday, but this morning in my Dream Lover vision, I realized something. I had never done the opposite. I had never thought about what I was willing to give to the love of my life. You have to do these things on purpose, you know.
So this morning, Me and Dream Lover had a moment and I apologized to him. I had been wanting him to give me all these things, but I had never sat down with myself and asked what I was willing to give him. And this morning in my vision, I gave him everything that I had never thought to give him in real life. I gave him a safe place to put his heart and told him that I would always be there for him. I told him that I thought he was a good person and I was proud of him and we told each other so many sweet things that we never said in real life.
Dreams are wonderful like that. We may never say these things to each other in real life, but it was enough for me to say it in a dream. It was enough for me to be reminded that I can do this stuff on purpose. Moving forward, whichever man I am blessed to be with, I can give him support on purpose. I can remind him that he is good and forgive him on purpose. I can make an intention to make him feel Loved. What a concept. And mostly, I can deal with my own sh*t so that when I find that fabulous, hot man, (and I know he is coming), I am ready and willing and able to give and receive the best I have to offer and the best life has to give.
This is such a good life, God. This is such a good day. I’ve got good stuff and I’m finally willing to give it. I’m not even worried about the return. I know it will come. Thank you so much.
Day 134
What Are You Willing To Give
This is another one of those days. I’ve been writing for the past two hours, just sorting out thoughts, and I’d like to start over.
I had a dream last night that I saved a little girl from being shot by a gun. I also dreamed that someone who I submitted one of my children’s books to callled and said he wanted to work with me.
Other than that, the days have been pretty uneventful here and I haven’t had much to write about. For the past four days, I’ve been going running with my brother every morning, but today we decided not to go.
I had been sinking for the past few days, like a heavy quicksand kind of sinking, not even realizing what’s going on, but today I’m pulling my feet out of the mud. Nothing in particular happened, I just finally understood what it means to live a life differently than how you’ve been raised and why the people you have grown up with might look at you funny.
Today I am looking for flowers. My friend said that there are always flowers for those who seek them, and so I am starting the day in this way. With the exception of one writing submission, I’ve been mostly apathetic this week, and I’d like to come back to life now. So let’s go, God. I know we can do this. I’m up for whatever.
I am open and receptive on purpose now. I am choosing to put my own will upon the palate of life, no longer a victim to other people’s visions of who and what they think I should be. I am choosing, Allah, a good life by any means and through all means. In the midst of whatever chaos I might find, I am choosing peace. I am choosing love. I am choosing success. I am choosing Divine alignment. Over and over again. I am choosing goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. For a moment, I am getting out of my mind and invoking you, oh Spirit. You, The Creator and The Guide. You, the Comforter of Disheartened People. You, the Compassionate and the Omnipotent. They say that the secret is believing that for any action, the highest possible result is automatically forthcoming, and so, I allow myself to believe it.
The highest possible result is automatically forthcoming. I trust. I release all resistance to my good. Over and over again until it is gone. I open and accept the new life that is bursting to come out of me. I trust. I release. I open. I am choosing Truth and Ease as my name and I’m not fighting anymore. Nope. I’m not fighting anyone anymore. Harmonious relationships are my new lot in life. I trust that now. It’s okay if people don’t like me. It’s okay if they don’t understand. It’s even okay if I don’t understand. Harmonious relationships are still my lot in life.
We are creating new patterns in place of the old. We are building a new identity from a place of trust and love and openness. We are doing the work, and God, you said that if we ask, You will be there for us, and so I am trusting that even during the times that I can not see clearly, You are there for me and the highest possible result is automatically forthcoming. This is my new foundation. Out with the old and in with the new. Keep what has been working and change the rest. I’m not scared about it today. I’m actually happy and excited about this new life and I think this is exactly where I’m supposed to be…
One day at a time, one thought, one action, one brick, one relationship, we are building a foundation for our new life. Thank you God.
Day 133
A New Foundation
The words have come back to me.
I’ve been traveling for a while. Packing. Unpacking. Moving stuff. Skipping states. Saying goodbye’s and hello’s. Deciding what to do next in my life. I am clear now.
I’m down south for the rest this month visiting family and people I grew up with. There’s a lot of them and in this moment I’m glad to have them all. Sometimes we take it for granted, but I feel lucky to have so many people that I can share love and connectedness with.
So today is a cry-baby day, but not because I am sad. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, Allah. Nothing obviously grand has happened, except that in juxtaposition to the people who I spent most of my developing years with, I can see how much I have grown. They look at me different and are pleasantly surprised at some of the things I do and say, even when those things are not things that they may have wanted me to do. I am thankful that it is becoming so easy for me to be my true self and for me to be happy. Even when seemingly disappointing things happen, it is becoming easy for me to still believe that life is worth living.
After all is said and done, some things just aren’t that serious. Oh, I know. Sometimes life seems very very hard. People hurt us and break our hearts. They say mean things and disappoint us and sometimes we feel so alone and unfulfilled. I know it can get bad when there is not enough food or money to pay rent and I know what it’s like to have an “addiction” that we can’t seem to break. We just want to beat ourselves up over and over again for being such “failures”. Why can’t we be happy, after all? Why can’t we get it right? Why can’t we have the things that we think we want or be the people we want to be? Life can seem so unfair at times. I know. Trust me, I know about the sad stuff all too well.
But I don’t want to talk about that today. The sad stuff will be there to talk about and cry about whenever I want to, and I’m sure that at some point I will have other sad things to cry about if I choose, but right now, I’m realizing that it’s not that serious.
Don’t want to offend people. I know. Loved ones die. Dreams are broken in a day. Lifetimes of gathering are destroyed in hurricanes, people are evicted from homes and fired from jobs, raped, beaten up, tortured, and psychologically abused. Children are abandoned. There are hungry people all over the world, and here I am saying that the sad stuff is not that serious. It’s more than serious, I know. Some of the things that happen to us are debilitating and tragic and heartbreaking and more than painful. I know about pain, but I also know that pain is not the end of life and if we spend too much time steeped in pain, we can start believing that pain is all there is, and that’s just not true.
What comes after pain? What comes next if you are blessed enough to experience all of the pain and the hurt and the disappointment and live to tell about it? What happens if you are fortunate enough to look in the mirror and find a genuine smile in your eyes after all that, a clean spot in your heart after all the “stuff”?
This is the exciting phase that I am now transitioning into. Pain and I have finally decided to go our separate ways. I am not scared of him any more, because I know that even as I am engulfed in whatever hurtful experience, a new day will come. It just will. Even if you don’t want it to. A new day must come if you manage to stay alive. And another new day will come after that. And one day, in one of those new days, you will wake up and something will be different. Maybe just a small thing, but that’s ok. Tomorrow will come for sure, if you’re up for it. Give it a chance. Stay alive a little while longer…
It has been many new days since I started this anti-depression/happiness experiment on myself, and I can testify that life changes. It just does. You get over people. You get over yourself. Grace kisses you and you find a way to make it out of the abyss. And then, on a day like today for me, you find yourself surrounded by people you love, having more than enough food and money, feeling empowered and humble and knowing that there is no one and nothing that could ever invalidate your right to be here. On a day like today, just a random rainy day, you might witness your mom and sister arguing like I did, and recognize how lucky you are to still be alive to witness it. And you might realize that for once in your life, you are aware of the fact that you like being alive. And the pain, and the hurt, and the sadness, and the fighting and the ego and the lies the pretending that you are less than you are and the avoiding your calling, well, it’s just not something you want to experience any more.
We are lucky to be alive. Let’s do something with that…
From this place, God, this place of recognizing that I am indeed alive and perhaps being aware of an inkling of what a wonderful thing that is for the first time in my life, from this place of gratitude and run-on sentences, I would like to thank you for the life that is in my hands and my feet. My eyes that see and my voice that speaks. It is good to be here, even now. Life is a good thing. God, thank you for letting me see…
Day 132
Stay Alive
Good morning world. Life is good. I am sitting in my room on another overcast day in Southern California. My mother was asleep on the bed until I started typing. She is just like my little sis in that way. They don’t sleep if they know anyone else is awake… So, I’m changing locations and going out to the living room to continue writing this blog.
The vibe is different out there, but I’ll make due. Can I tell you what happened? THE POLICE FOUND MY CAR. It seems like a planted episode off of a reality television show, like something I created just to have some drama in my life. For those of you who don’t know, I won a new car off of a game show. Just last Friday I went and picked up the car. Three days later, I woke up in the morning to go out for the day and the car was gone. Somebody took it. Of course I was devastated, but some kind of way, I just decided to look at it as a blessing. I had gotten full coverage insurance for the first time ever, so I knew that if nothing else, I would get paid for the value of the car. Well, a day after the car went missing, the police called me to tell me that it had been found. Nothing was wrong with it. It was in perfect condition except it had 70 more miles on it and it was a little dirtier than before. They didn’t take it across the border and sell it or take the parts to a chop shop.
I was and am quite surprised to be honest. I was expecting a loss and I had already accepted it. But now that I have the car back, I can see clearly why I tried to get it stolen. I felt like a different person for the two days that I rode around in that car. I felt new to be quite honest. And fancy. And successful. I felt like the car and my full coverage insurance was a symbol of a change in my life, an initiation into a life of success and goodness. The car is a really bright, flashy color, and, I’m not gonna’ lie, it’s the color I requested because it’s the color I like. I drove around in it for two days, all dressed up, and everywhere I went, people complimented me for the car and how I looked. Now, every now and then I wear nice clothes and random people compliment me, but for those two days that I was in the car, it was constant approval and compliments almost everywhere I went… And then I went to see an old friend of mine. I wanted to show him my new car and I was dressed really pretty on that day in the dress that I had bought for myself for my birthday, and I wanted him to see my pretty dress, too. He looked at the car and frowned and he looked at my dress and tried to put his jacket over me. I realized that he didn’t like me wearing such a form-fitting dress and he didn’t like the fact that my car attracted so much attention, and just like that, I started feeling bad about looking cute and I started feeling bad about having a flashy new car.
It’a amazing how deep some stuff is. It’s no coincidence that I left the car keys in the door of my car that night and somebody stole it. At the time, I felt really bad about having a flashy new car. I was ashamed and I felt like maybe I was bragging and I should go hide my car somewhere and not show it to anyone. I felt like maybe I should take off my pretty dress and put on something that didn’t make my figure look cute. I felt like it was bad to stand out, like it was bad to be pretty, like it was bad to draw too much attention to oneself. Even though I wasn’t trying to draw attention, and I was actually just wearing exactly what I like and going around in the exact car I wanted, I was getting a lot of attention, and deep down I thought that there was no way for me to do and be what I wanted without people looking at me and thinking I’m evil. At least some people. It’s funny, because I can remember a time in my life where I wished that just one person would call me pretty or say I was special. Now that I was having that, I couldn’t accept it. So, I think I subconsciously gave the car away. This is all speculation, of course.
But somewhere in my prayers (and my blog), I found a place where my mind could be changed, a place where I could accept that it was okay to have good things, the good things that I wanted, a place where for a moment standing out didn’t equal being bad, a place where it was okay to be successful… and this is what I want to write about today…
My mom has just woken up and come out to the living room to find me. She is trying to talk to me now, about my little sister… I am a grown up and I can handle this, but I would like to have my own thoughts for a minute and finish writing this, so I asked her to give me minute. . Thank you Lord, she has gone back to the room…
What I want to say to you today is something somebody told me a very long time ago when I was a teenager. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about being good. People will try. Sometimes it will not be on purpose, but sometimes it will. People will bring their own schtuff into your life, their confusions, their beliefs, their sadness, etc. Oh my God, I can’t think now. My mom has infiltrated the peace zone… Ay yay yay…
I really had something I wanted to say today, but I have been taken out of the flow, God. In this instant, I am going to practice what I am preaching… Truth come to my aid, please. Clarity and Understanding and Right Action I am summoning you into my life in this instance. I am quite sure that when I get off this computer, I am going to face a challenge with my mom, and it’s going to be about my sister. My sister is a good girl. She is not doing everything that my mom wants her to do or not do, but that does not take away from the fact that she is a good girl. I am going to have to stand up for her and tell my mom that… Sigh… I am finished with war, God. I am not fighting my mother in order to defend my sister. I am not fighting anymore. I do not want to have to fight for my right to be myself and believe in what I believe anymore, and so in this instance, I am asking for your guidance. Please help me to remember. Help me to remember that I am good. I am open to it. I accept it even if I do not accept it yet. Wow. You are an amazing teacher and I accept Your lessons.
I am good, guided, and blessed. Heck, I am even special. You are, too. There is no monopoly on goodness and blessings. Everyone has them. Remember. Plant it in your spirit, because if you can’t accept this truth than it may be very challenging for you to accept anything good that comes your way. If you can’t accept that you are good and that you are worthy of good things, then you will constantly look for ways to validate that you are bad. Let’s stop it, please. I am so serious. Let’s stop believing in the bullsh*t. We are good…
Day 131
We Are Good
Stop. Erasing everything. Just wrote a 755 word blog about all of the challenges I have experienced in the last few days. Big ones. Almost broke me. Car got stolen. Not going over seas in the way I thought I was. Fighting with people and dis-attaching myself from certain individuals. Going through withdrawal as I try to change, which is manifesting in the form of body pains and ailments…
I just finished writing a long, tragic story. Of course I made myself the hero and everyone and everything else in the world was the bad guy. But as I was writing, I felt that I don’t want to write that story any more. I’ve written it over and over in many different ways for quite some time, and whereas I and many others may be used to that “me against the world” story, it’s just not the story I want to tell anymore.
So good morning. I would like to start by saying “Ha Ha” to the devil. You’re not going to get me today. In this instant, I am deciding that I am not against world, and that the world is not against me. I am rewriting my story. I know, brain, you are tripping out. This has been our story for so long, but it’s a lie, you see? It’s not the truth. You are wondering how it can be a lie when we have experienced so much pain and struggling in our lives and I am going to speak to you like a parent speaks to their child. I know you don’t understand why the truth is the truth, but I know that it is the truth and as we mature you will come to understand why. But for now, I need you to do what I say. In fact, I am commanding you to do what I say and believe what I tell you. It’s for your own good and you don’t get a choice in this matter anymore.
So today, dear brain, I command you to rewrite this story that we have been re-enacting for so long. You run everything, but I, the higher part of you, run you. Wow. You are ready to listen. In this new story we are writing, we are going to believe that we are good and God and the world is for us, and not against us. I know, you have had so many experiences that reinforce this thing that you have that makes you think you are bad, but look again. You have had so many more experiences that reinforce the fact that you are good. The people that you thought wanted to take from you? The men who tried to use you? The others who wanted to control you? All of those people didn’t come around because they wanted a bad thing. They wanted a good thing, and that’s why they came to you. Look again. And no, it doesn’t mean that being good equals people trying to hurt you. It means that being good is just the beginning of the story.
But since we are starting there, and if we are going to believe that God is for us and not against us, we must believe that all of the experiences, even the perceived painful ones, were for our own good. This is a hard one to accept, and I know you won’t take it at face value, but again, I am giving you no choice because we are moving forward and this is what you need to believe in order not to get trapped in this place that you have been going for the past few days. This is your assignment for the next three days. No matter what happens, we are going to remind ourselves that God is for us and not against us. You don’t take that long to assimilate the truth, but change has to be a conscious decision, otherwise you will fall back into your old programming. So, God is for us and not against us. We thank God for everything, because everything is a blessing if God is for us and not against us, and then we keep striving to do what we think is best. In spite of the tears, in spite of whatever may come.
I need not tell you that a miracle is developing. Deep down, you know that. I know you know that. You and I, your brain and your spirit, are beginning to be on one accord, and sometimes you know things.
So this is enough for today. We don’t have to sound good or whatever. We just want to task you with something that you can accomplish, and then we can move on to the next. Your new story? You are not against the world. Everyone and everything in the world is for you and not against you. Say it again because your heart raced fast as you typed that and your head almost started shaking “no”. Everyone and everything in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Again. Everyone and everything in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Until your head stops shaking. Everything and everyone in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Everyone and everything in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Now close your eyes. Say it to your body. Everyone and everything is the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Everything and everyone is the world is for you. God is for us and not against us. You are good and we are all each other’s heros. We are all each others heros… Good. Ameen.
Day 130
We Are All Each Other’s Heros. Rewrite Your Story.
It’s been a challenging week. Been having a hard time actually doing anything that will move me forward. Emotions been all over the place. On the bright side, I’m picking up my car that I won from the dealership tomorrow!
I just got off the phone with my mom. She’s coming out here to visit right before I leave town, and so I wanted to be clear about her travel dates. She got really upset about things my little sis is doing and started blaming me for stuff. I actually didn’t try to blame her back, but instead, just told her what my plans are and what I am trying to accomplish. When I got off the phone, I realized that her anger has absolutely nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to yell at, someone to blame.
It’s been a long day. Hmm… Sometimes it’s like that. Like that John Mayer song, sometimes a person’s issues have nothing to do with you. You can tap dance, sing, smile, do everything right and Love until you can’t Love any more, and some people will still be unhappy. It’s not you. It’s them. Recognize.
It’s been a long month. My birthday month has definitely been a birthing of all sorts, a coming to terms with myself if you will. I am amazed at how you do things, God. You have brought everything to the surface. It must mean I am about to graduate. I am being tested, even with my mamma! But I’m passing. Maybe I’m exhausted and maybe my room’s a little dirty, but I’m passing! I’m still going. The bed didn’t swallow me up, I didn’t let my random exes or these raggedy new guys come in my life and treat me like sh*t, I didn’t even get sucked into the queen bee’s issues.
Yay me! I can say that now. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I can say yay me. Good job. Lady you are doing a good job. It’s okay to do a good job. You are a good person. Even your mamma can’t make you feel otherwise. What a monumental moment. The moment you can recognize the difference between what people think of you and who you really are, not in a delusional kind of way, but in truth. I just had that moment. I just realized that I am a good person. I am a good person, no matter what they say. Sure, I’ve made mistakes and sure I’ve hurt some people, sometimes even on purpose, but in my heart of hearts, I am a good woman. God didn’t make a mistake by making me strong or kind or sensitive or smart. God didn’t make a mistake by making me inquisitive or hot or not hot (depending on who’s looking) or outspoken.
Their problems are not my problems. No need for me to try and get in there and change them. No need to fight about who is right and wrong. Just make sure that I do what I think is right and I will be okay. Just make sure that I be myself (and I finally know who that is) and I will be okay.
My heart is ablaze right now. I’m not even mad at anyone any more. I know when a person’s issues have absolutely nothing to do with me. Thank you God for this lovely realization.
Day 129
It’s Not You, It’s Them
Lazy day today. Kind of feeling off. Noon and I’ve only completed one thing off of my seven item “to-do” list for the day…
Bought groceries yesterday. Feels good to have food in the fridge. I really don’t have anything to talk about. Nothing new in the past twenty-four hours. Someone gave me a pass for a free yoga class, so I’ll go to that tonight. The first guy I ever kissed saw me on Skype today and we had a Skype chat… I don’t know how I feel about that, but I don’t really want to give that thought much energy… He’s married now and old… Hmm… What else?
Nothing. #2 is in the other room watching internet TV. Need to talk to her and sis about making a plan B if our tentative plans don’t work out. My heart feels sore for some reason… #2 just came in the room to let me know that we got a package. I don’t even know what to say. She’s sweet. I guess it’s okay to be interrupted sometimes. Actually, being interrupted is exactly what we need at times.
I’m supposed to go to this mixer event tomorrow, like a singles thing. I’m a little hesitant about going. I don’t know. My heart hurts. It’s like I’m having a delayed response to all of the failed relationships I’ve ever had. I didn’t realize that I was so hurt by things. I mean, it’s weird. Your mind knows that you are supposed to be hurt, but you don’t feel hurt at a particular moment, so you figure you aren’t hurt, but then one day you go and do some random yoga pose and start crying for no reason and then the teacher tells you that you have been storing emotional pain in that part of your body or you hear about some long lost lover and just feel like throwing up…
So, I’m feeling hurt today. Actually, let me be honest. I’m feeling sad and feeling sorry for myself. I know, life is turning good as far as professional stuff is concerned. It’s actually turning out great, God, and I am very very thankful that I am even able to move forward in life again, but sometimes my heart hurts. It’s been some time since I’ve thought about my heart and love, but life is reaching out to me in the form of people from the past and new romantic opportunities, and making me remember that love is important to me…
I don’t want to give up on it, but sometimes I think that maybe it just wasn’t meant for me. I have a history of shit*y sh*t relationships. Men say they fall in love with me instantly. It’s not normal. I don’t fall for them that fast, but then they do and say all kinds of nice things and I open my heart and I think, “yes, this is the one”, and the moment I let them know how I feel, they start to panic. It’s like a push-pull thing. They won’t love me if I love them. We inevitably get into some argument over me saying something I wasn’t supposed to say, and then they disappear. Literally. No good-bye. No see you later. No working it out. No talking. Whatever plans we had made become null and void instantly. They don’t send a memo. They don’t tell a friend. They are just gone…
And then months or years later, they reappear. They always reappear. I guess I should be flattered, but I’m not. I’m saddened. Because when they reappear, they are almost always worse off then how I left them. More sad, more bitter, meaner. They are at their wits end. Maybe they married some woman they didn’t love or got someone pregnant. Maybe they went through a series of empty relationships. And now they are back, looking for something they can feel, looking for a little piece of love. Never do they come back wanting to make amends or even offering an apology. They just reappear like nothing has ever happened and ask for my love again… I really can’t believe that this has been the story of my life.
This is what happens when life is going good? We start digging to see what else needs to be brought to the surface. It’s okay. I’ll dig. He*l I don’t even have to dig. It seems like things come to the surface on their own. I think this relationship pattern thing started with my brother when I was twelve years old. We used to be best friends. He was and still is number two of people I love most in the world, no matter how he feels about me. One day he just started ignoring me. No explanation. No talking it out. No good-bye. Just totally wouldn’t interact with me. -I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Well, maybe just a little bit, but not really. This is just what happens in a life.
Somewhere at some point a pattern is set in motion that we’re not even aware of. It is a blessing when we can discover what that pattern is and make a conscious effort to stop it. So, anyway, after about three months of my brother ignoring me, my mom finally noticed that something was going on, and she made us talk to each other. He explained that the reason he was ignoring me was because I liked boys and I was bad, and he didn’t want to associate with me. I was in shock. Up until then, I didn’t know that liking boys was bad and I definitely didn’t think that I was bad. I was a goodie goodie girl and I had put forth a lot of effort trying to do things that were good just so that the people I loved would approve of me, so you can imagine how devastated I was when I found out that, try as I had to be good, my dear brother still thought that I wasn’t worth talking to…
So, as I’m writing this journal, I’m realizing that I have taken that relationship dynamic with me all the way throughout my adulthood and I have created all of these relationships with men that are similar to the relationship I had with my brother. We love each other dearly, but something happens, usually something very small, and they feel the need to run away from me… I wonder how my brother really felt. Did he feel betrayed because I was doing and saying things he never thought I would do? Did he feel like he had to protect himself from me because I would mess up his life or make him go to hell? Probably a combination of both.
Why do they come back, God? Because they Love me, You say. But if they love me, then why do they leave? Because they Love me, You say, and they are afraid of being hurt by me… It’s all so sad. What can I do to change this pattern? Forgive him completely. Your brother and all of the rest. That’s it? I feel so jaded about love, God. I want someone to see my point of view and say, “that wasn’t fair. She was just a little girl.” I want someone to say sorry to me. Sorry for leaving me. Sorry for disappointing me. Sorry for not telling me that they had changed plans. Sorry for lying to me and betraying me. I want them to at least say that they didn’t know what they were doing…
I’m never going to get those apologies, am I? Sigh… You say that my life is my life and their lives are theirs, and I need to learn to mind my business. It is best for me that I forgive them, that way I can stop recreating opportunities for people to tell me sorry. Hehe. They are on their own paths and maybe one day it will lead them to making amends and maybe it won’t. The question is no longer about what other people should do. The question is, what should you do so that you can continue on this Earth with peace of mind and a clean heart and so that you can create the life of your dreams in all aspects, which, Lady, includes a deep and fulfilling Love. We all know that you want that most of all…
Change is becoming easy for you now and I know that things seem to be changing faster and faster, but you asked for this, so Let’s let it happen, okay? OK. So now, for today. Let’s forgive him. And them. Let’s get back to your “to-do” list and… OK. Why did #2 just burst in my room all excited while I’m over here writing my sad story? LOL. I think it’s time to go ahead and get happy…
Demand Love. That’s it. We are moving forward now. Let the wounds from the past heal. They will and they do heal. Moving forward, in the new relationships that you are creating, demand love. Stand up for yourself and demand reciprocity. It will happen if you ask for it. You know it will, so you better get ready…
Day 128
Demand Love
