This is another one of those days. I’ve been writing for the past two hours, just sorting out thoughts, and I’d like to start over.
I had a dream last night that I saved a little girl from being shot by a gun. I also dreamed that someone who I submitted one of my children’s books to callled and said he wanted to work with me.
Other than that, the days have been pretty uneventful here and I haven’t had much to write about. For the past four days, I’ve been going running with my brother every morning, but today we decided not to go.
I had been sinking for the past few days, like a heavy quicksand kind of sinking, not even realizing what’s going on, but today I’m pulling my feet out of the mud. Nothing in particular happened, I just finally understood what it means to live a life differently than how you’ve been raised and why the people you have grown up with might look at you funny.
Today I am looking for flowers. My friend said that there are always flowers for those who seek them, and so I am starting the day in this way. With the exception of one writing submission, I’ve been mostly apathetic this week, and I’d like to come back to life now. So let’s go, God. I know we can do this. I’m up for whatever.
I am open and receptive on purpose now. I am choosing to put my own will upon the palate of life, no longer a victim to other people’s visions of who and what they think I should be. I am choosing, Allah, a good life by any means and through all means. In the midst of whatever chaos I might find, I am choosing peace. I am choosing love. I am choosing success. I am choosing Divine alignment. Over and over again. I am choosing goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. Goodness. For a moment, I am getting out of my mind and invoking you, oh Spirit. You, The Creator and The Guide. You, the Comforter of Disheartened People. You, the Compassionate and the Omnipotent. They say that the secret is believing that for any action, the highest possible result is automatically forthcoming, and so, I allow myself to believe it.
The highest possible result is automatically forthcoming. I trust. I release all resistance to my good. Over and over again until it is gone. I open and accept the new life that is bursting to come out of me. I trust. I release. I open. I am choosing Truth and Ease as my name and I’m not fighting anymore. Nope. I’m not fighting anyone anymore. Harmonious relationships are my new lot in life. I trust that now. It’s okay if people don’t like me. It’s okay if they don’t understand. It’s even okay if I don’t understand. Harmonious relationships are still my lot in life.
We are creating new patterns in place of the old. We are building a new identity from a place of trust and love and openness. We are doing the work, and God, you said that if we ask, You will be there for us, and so I am trusting that even during the times that I can not see clearly, You are there for me and the highest possible result is automatically forthcoming. This is my new foundation. Out with the old and in with the new. Keep what has been working and change the rest. I’m not scared about it today. I’m actually happy and excited about this new life and I think this is exactly where I’m supposed to be…
One day at a time, one thought, one action, one brick, one relationship, we are building a foundation for our new life. Thank you God.
Day 133
A New Foundation
The words have come back to me.
I’ve been traveling for a while. Packing. Unpacking. Moving stuff. Skipping states. Saying goodbye’s and hello’s. Deciding what to do next in my life. I am clear now.
I’m down south for the rest this month visiting family and people I grew up with. There’s a lot of them and in this moment I’m glad to have them all. Sometimes we take it for granted, but I feel lucky to have so many people that I can share love and connectedness with.
So today is a cry-baby day, but not because I am sad. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, Allah. Nothing obviously grand has happened, except that in juxtaposition to the people who I spent most of my developing years with, I can see how much I have grown. They look at me different and are pleasantly surprised at some of the things I do and say, even when those things are not things that they may have wanted me to do. I am thankful that it is becoming so easy for me to be my true self and for me to be happy. Even when seemingly disappointing things happen, it is becoming easy for me to still believe that life is worth living.
After all is said and done, some things just aren’t that serious. Oh, I know. Sometimes life seems very very hard. People hurt us and break our hearts. They say mean things and disappoint us and sometimes we feel so alone and unfulfilled. I know it can get bad when there is not enough food or money to pay rent and I know what it’s like to have an “addiction” that we can’t seem to break. We just want to beat ourselves up over and over again for being such “failures”. Why can’t we be happy, after all? Why can’t we get it right? Why can’t we have the things that we think we want or be the people we want to be? Life can seem so unfair at times. I know. Trust me, I know about the sad stuff all too well.
But I don’t want to talk about that today. The sad stuff will be there to talk about and cry about whenever I want to, and I’m sure that at some point I will have other sad things to cry about if I choose, but right now, I’m realizing that it’s not that serious.
Don’t want to offend people. I know. Loved ones die. Dreams are broken in a day. Lifetimes of gathering are destroyed in hurricanes, people are evicted from homes and fired from jobs, raped, beaten up, tortured, and psychologically abused. Children are abandoned. There are hungry people all over the world, and here I am saying that the sad stuff is not that serious. It’s more than serious, I know. Some of the things that happen to us are debilitating and tragic and heartbreaking and more than painful. I know about pain, but I also know that pain is not the end of life and if we spend too much time steeped in pain, we can start believing that pain is all there is, and that’s just not true.
What comes after pain? What comes next if you are blessed enough to experience all of the pain and the hurt and the disappointment and live to tell about it? What happens if you are fortunate enough to look in the mirror and find a genuine smile in your eyes after all that, a clean spot in your heart after all the “stuff”?
This is the exciting phase that I am now transitioning into. Pain and I have finally decided to go our separate ways. I am not scared of him any more, because I know that even as I am engulfed in whatever hurtful experience, a new day will come. It just will. Even if you don’t want it to. A new day must come if you manage to stay alive. And another new day will come after that. And one day, in one of those new days, you will wake up and something will be different. Maybe just a small thing, but that’s ok. Tomorrow will come for sure, if you’re up for it. Give it a chance. Stay alive a little while longer…
It has been many new days since I started this anti-depression/happiness experiment on myself, and I can testify that life changes. It just does. You get over people. You get over yourself. Grace kisses you and you find a way to make it out of the abyss. And then, on a day like today for me, you find yourself surrounded by people you love, having more than enough food and money, feeling empowered and humble and knowing that there is no one and nothing that could ever invalidate your right to be here. On a day like today, just a random rainy day, you might witness your mom and sister arguing like I did, and recognize how lucky you are to still be alive to witness it. And you might realize that for once in your life, you are aware of the fact that you like being alive. And the pain, and the hurt, and the sadness, and the fighting and the ego and the lies the pretending that you are less than you are and the avoiding your calling, well, it’s just not something you want to experience any more.
We are lucky to be alive. Let’s do something with that…
From this place, God, this place of recognizing that I am indeed alive and perhaps being aware of an inkling of what a wonderful thing that is for the first time in my life, from this place of gratitude and run-on sentences, I would like to thank you for the life that is in my hands and my feet. My eyes that see and my voice that speaks. It is good to be here, even now. Life is a good thing. God, thank you for letting me see…
Day 132
Stay Alive
Good morning world. Life is good. I am sitting in my room on another overcast day in Southern California. My mother was asleep on the bed until I started typing. She is just like my little sis in that way. They don’t sleep if they know anyone else is awake… So, I’m changing locations and going out to the living room to continue writing this blog.
The vibe is different out there, but I’ll make due. Can I tell you what happened? THE POLICE FOUND MY CAR. It seems like a planted episode off of a reality television show, like something I created just to have some drama in my life. For those of you who don’t know, I won a new car off of a game show. Just last Friday I went and picked up the car. Three days later, I woke up in the morning to go out for the day and the car was gone. Somebody took it. Of course I was devastated, but some kind of way, I just decided to look at it as a blessing. I had gotten full coverage insurance for the first time ever, so I knew that if nothing else, I would get paid for the value of the car. Well, a day after the car went missing, the police called me to tell me that it had been found. Nothing was wrong with it. It was in perfect condition except it had 70 more miles on it and it was a little dirtier than before. They didn’t take it across the border and sell it or take the parts to a chop shop.
I was and am quite surprised to be honest. I was expecting a loss and I had already accepted it. But now that I have the car back, I can see clearly why I tried to get it stolen. I felt like a different person for the two days that I rode around in that car. I felt new to be quite honest. And fancy. And successful. I felt like the car and my full coverage insurance was a symbol of a change in my life, an initiation into a life of success and goodness. The car is a really bright, flashy color, and, I’m not gonna’ lie, it’s the color I requested because it’s the color I like. I drove around in it for two days, all dressed up, and everywhere I went, people complimented me for the car and how I looked. Now, every now and then I wear nice clothes and random people compliment me, but for those two days that I was in the car, it was constant approval and compliments almost everywhere I went… And then I went to see an old friend of mine. I wanted to show him my new car and I was dressed really pretty on that day in the dress that I had bought for myself for my birthday, and I wanted him to see my pretty dress, too. He looked at the car and frowned and he looked at my dress and tried to put his jacket over me. I realized that he didn’t like me wearing such a form-fitting dress and he didn’t like the fact that my car attracted so much attention, and just like that, I started feeling bad about looking cute and I started feeling bad about having a flashy new car.
It’a amazing how deep some stuff is. It’s no coincidence that I left the car keys in the door of my car that night and somebody stole it. At the time, I felt really bad about having a flashy new car. I was ashamed and I felt like maybe I was bragging and I should go hide my car somewhere and not show it to anyone. I felt like maybe I should take off my pretty dress and put on something that didn’t make my figure look cute. I felt like it was bad to stand out, like it was bad to be pretty, like it was bad to draw too much attention to oneself. Even though I wasn’t trying to draw attention, and I was actually just wearing exactly what I like and going around in the exact car I wanted, I was getting a lot of attention, and deep down I thought that there was no way for me to do and be what I wanted without people looking at me and thinking I’m evil. At least some people. It’s funny, because I can remember a time in my life where I wished that just one person would call me pretty or say I was special. Now that I was having that, I couldn’t accept it. So, I think I subconsciously gave the car away. This is all speculation, of course.
But somewhere in my prayers (and my blog), I found a place where my mind could be changed, a place where I could accept that it was okay to have good things, the good things that I wanted, a place where for a moment standing out didn’t equal being bad, a place where it was okay to be successful… and this is what I want to write about today…
My mom has just woken up and come out to the living room to find me. She is trying to talk to me now, about my little sister… I am a grown up and I can handle this, but I would like to have my own thoughts for a minute and finish writing this, so I asked her to give me minute. . Thank you Lord, she has gone back to the room…
What I want to say to you today is something somebody told me a very long time ago when I was a teenager. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about being good. People will try. Sometimes it will not be on purpose, but sometimes it will. People will bring their own schtuff into your life, their confusions, their beliefs, their sadness, etc. Oh my God, I can’t think now. My mom has infiltrated the peace zone… Ay yay yay…
I really had something I wanted to say today, but I have been taken out of the flow, God. In this instant, I am going to practice what I am preaching… Truth come to my aid, please. Clarity and Understanding and Right Action I am summoning you into my life in this instance. I am quite sure that when I get off this computer, I am going to face a challenge with my mom, and it’s going to be about my sister. My sister is a good girl. She is not doing everything that my mom wants her to do or not do, but that does not take away from the fact that she is a good girl. I am going to have to stand up for her and tell my mom that… Sigh… I am finished with war, God. I am not fighting my mother in order to defend my sister. I am not fighting anymore. I do not want to have to fight for my right to be myself and believe in what I believe anymore, and so in this instance, I am asking for your guidance. Please help me to remember. Help me to remember that I am good. I am open to it. I accept it even if I do not accept it yet. Wow. You are an amazing teacher and I accept Your lessons.
I am good, guided, and blessed. Heck, I am even special. You are, too. There is no monopoly on goodness and blessings. Everyone has them. Remember. Plant it in your spirit, because if you can’t accept this truth than it may be very challenging for you to accept anything good that comes your way. If you can’t accept that you are good and that you are worthy of good things, then you will constantly look for ways to validate that you are bad. Let’s stop it, please. I am so serious. Let’s stop believing in the bullsh*t. We are good…
Day 131
We Are Good
Stop. Erasing everything. Just wrote a 755 word blog about all of the challenges I have experienced in the last few days. Big ones. Almost broke me. Car got stolen. Not going over seas in the way I thought I was. Fighting with people and dis-attaching myself from certain individuals. Going through withdrawal as I try to change, which is manifesting in the form of body pains and ailments…
I just finished writing a long, tragic story. Of course I made myself the hero and everyone and everything else in the world was the bad guy. But as I was writing, I felt that I don’t want to write that story any more. I’ve written it over and over in many different ways for quite some time, and whereas I and many others may be used to that “me against the world” story, it’s just not the story I want to tell anymore.
So good morning. I would like to start by saying “Ha Ha” to the devil. You’re not going to get me today. In this instant, I am deciding that I am not against world, and that the world is not against me. I am rewriting my story. I know, brain, you are tripping out. This has been our story for so long, but it’s a lie, you see? It’s not the truth. You are wondering how it can be a lie when we have experienced so much pain and struggling in our lives and I am going to speak to you like a parent speaks to their child. I know you don’t understand why the truth is the truth, but I know that it is the truth and as we mature you will come to understand why. But for now, I need you to do what I say. In fact, I am commanding you to do what I say and believe what I tell you. It’s for your own good and you don’t get a choice in this matter anymore.
So today, dear brain, I command you to rewrite this story that we have been re-enacting for so long. You run everything, but I, the higher part of you, run you. Wow. You are ready to listen. In this new story we are writing, we are going to believe that we are good and God and the world is for us, and not against us. I know, you have had so many experiences that reinforce this thing that you have that makes you think you are bad, but look again. You have had so many more experiences that reinforce the fact that you are good. The people that you thought wanted to take from you? The men who tried to use you? The others who wanted to control you? All of those people didn’t come around because they wanted a bad thing. They wanted a good thing, and that’s why they came to you. Look again. And no, it doesn’t mean that being good equals people trying to hurt you. It means that being good is just the beginning of the story.
But since we are starting there, and if we are going to believe that God is for us and not against us, we must believe that all of the experiences, even the perceived painful ones, were for our own good. This is a hard one to accept, and I know you won’t take it at face value, but again, I am giving you no choice because we are moving forward and this is what you need to believe in order not to get trapped in this place that you have been going for the past few days. This is your assignment for the next three days. No matter what happens, we are going to remind ourselves that God is for us and not against us. You don’t take that long to assimilate the truth, but change has to be a conscious decision, otherwise you will fall back into your old programming. So, God is for us and not against us. We thank God for everything, because everything is a blessing if God is for us and not against us, and then we keep striving to do what we think is best. In spite of the tears, in spite of whatever may come.
I need not tell you that a miracle is developing. Deep down, you know that. I know you know that. You and I, your brain and your spirit, are beginning to be on one accord, and sometimes you know things.
So this is enough for today. We don’t have to sound good or whatever. We just want to task you with something that you can accomplish, and then we can move on to the next. Your new story? You are not against the world. Everyone and everything in the world is for you and not against you. Say it again because your heart raced fast as you typed that and your head almost started shaking “no”. Everyone and everything in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Again. Everyone and everything in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Until your head stops shaking. Everything and everyone in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Everyone and everything in the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Now close your eyes. Say it to your body. Everyone and everything is the world is for you. We are all each other’s heros. Everything and everyone is the world is for you. God is for us and not against us. You are good and we are all each other’s heros. We are all each others heros… Good. Ameen.
Day 130
We Are All Each Other’s Heros. Rewrite Your Story.
It’s been a challenging week. Been having a hard time actually doing anything that will move me forward. Emotions been all over the place. On the bright side, I’m picking up my car that I won from the dealership tomorrow!
I just got off the phone with my mom. She’s coming out here to visit right before I leave town, and so I wanted to be clear about her travel dates. She got really upset about things my little sis is doing and started blaming me for stuff. I actually didn’t try to blame her back, but instead, just told her what my plans are and what I am trying to accomplish. When I got off the phone, I realized that her anger has absolutely nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to yell at, someone to blame.
It’s been a long day. Hmm… Sometimes it’s like that. Like that John Mayer song, sometimes a person’s issues have nothing to do with you. You can tap dance, sing, smile, do everything right and Love until you can’t Love any more, and some people will still be unhappy. It’s not you. It’s them. Recognize.
It’s been a long month. My birthday month has definitely been a birthing of all sorts, a coming to terms with myself if you will. I am amazed at how you do things, God. You have brought everything to the surface. It must mean I am about to graduate. I am being tested, even with my mamma! But I’m passing. Maybe I’m exhausted and maybe my room’s a little dirty, but I’m passing! I’m still going. The bed didn’t swallow me up, I didn’t let my random exes or these raggedy new guys come in my life and treat me like sh*t, I didn’t even get sucked into the queen bee’s issues.
Yay me! I can say that now. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I can say yay me. Good job. Lady you are doing a good job. It’s okay to do a good job. You are a good person. Even your mamma can’t make you feel otherwise. What a monumental moment. The moment you can recognize the difference between what people think of you and who you really are, not in a delusional kind of way, but in truth. I just had that moment. I just realized that I am a good person. I am a good person, no matter what they say. Sure, I’ve made mistakes and sure I’ve hurt some people, sometimes even on purpose, but in my heart of hearts, I am a good woman. God didn’t make a mistake by making me strong or kind or sensitive or smart. God didn’t make a mistake by making me inquisitive or hot or not hot (depending on who’s looking) or outspoken.
Their problems are not my problems. No need for me to try and get in there and change them. No need to fight about who is right and wrong. Just make sure that I do what I think is right and I will be okay. Just make sure that I be myself (and I finally know who that is) and I will be okay.
My heart is ablaze right now. I’m not even mad at anyone any more. I know when a person’s issues have absolutely nothing to do with me. Thank you God for this lovely realization.
Day 129
It’s Not You, It’s Them
Lazy day today. Kind of feeling off. Noon and I’ve only completed one thing off of my seven item “to-do” list for the day…
Bought groceries yesterday. Feels good to have food in the fridge. I really don’t have anything to talk about. Nothing new in the past twenty-four hours. Someone gave me a pass for a free yoga class, so I’ll go to that tonight. The first guy I ever kissed saw me on Skype today and we had a Skype chat… I don’t know how I feel about that, but I don’t really want to give that thought much energy… He’s married now and old… Hmm… What else?
Nothing. #2 is in the other room watching internet TV. Need to talk to her and sis about making a plan B if our tentative plans don’t work out. My heart feels sore for some reason… #2 just came in the room to let me know that we got a package. I don’t even know what to say. She’s sweet. I guess it’s okay to be interrupted sometimes. Actually, being interrupted is exactly what we need at times.
I’m supposed to go to this mixer event tomorrow, like a singles thing. I’m a little hesitant about going. I don’t know. My heart hurts. It’s like I’m having a delayed response to all of the failed relationships I’ve ever had. I didn’t realize that I was so hurt by things. I mean, it’s weird. Your mind knows that you are supposed to be hurt, but you don’t feel hurt at a particular moment, so you figure you aren’t hurt, but then one day you go and do some random yoga pose and start crying for no reason and then the teacher tells you that you have been storing emotional pain in that part of your body or you hear about some long lost lover and just feel like throwing up…
So, I’m feeling hurt today. Actually, let me be honest. I’m feeling sad and feeling sorry for myself. I know, life is turning good as far as professional stuff is concerned. It’s actually turning out great, God, and I am very very thankful that I am even able to move forward in life again, but sometimes my heart hurts. It’s been some time since I’ve thought about my heart and love, but life is reaching out to me in the form of people from the past and new romantic opportunities, and making me remember that love is important to me…
I don’t want to give up on it, but sometimes I think that maybe it just wasn’t meant for me. I have a history of shit*y sh*t relationships. Men say they fall in love with me instantly. It’s not normal. I don’t fall for them that fast, but then they do and say all kinds of nice things and I open my heart and I think, “yes, this is the one”, and the moment I let them know how I feel, they start to panic. It’s like a push-pull thing. They won’t love me if I love them. We inevitably get into some argument over me saying something I wasn’t supposed to say, and then they disappear. Literally. No good-bye. No see you later. No working it out. No talking. Whatever plans we had made become null and void instantly. They don’t send a memo. They don’t tell a friend. They are just gone…
And then months or years later, they reappear. They always reappear. I guess I should be flattered, but I’m not. I’m saddened. Because when they reappear, they are almost always worse off then how I left them. More sad, more bitter, meaner. They are at their wits end. Maybe they married some woman they didn’t love or got someone pregnant. Maybe they went through a series of empty relationships. And now they are back, looking for something they can feel, looking for a little piece of love. Never do they come back wanting to make amends or even offering an apology. They just reappear like nothing has ever happened and ask for my love again… I really can’t believe that this has been the story of my life.
This is what happens when life is going good? We start digging to see what else needs to be brought to the surface. It’s okay. I’ll dig. He*l I don’t even have to dig. It seems like things come to the surface on their own. I think this relationship pattern thing started with my brother when I was twelve years old. We used to be best friends. He was and still is number two of people I love most in the world, no matter how he feels about me. One day he just started ignoring me. No explanation. No talking it out. No good-bye. Just totally wouldn’t interact with me. -I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Well, maybe just a little bit, but not really. This is just what happens in a life.
Somewhere at some point a pattern is set in motion that we’re not even aware of. It is a blessing when we can discover what that pattern is and make a conscious effort to stop it. So, anyway, after about three months of my brother ignoring me, my mom finally noticed that something was going on, and she made us talk to each other. He explained that the reason he was ignoring me was because I liked boys and I was bad, and he didn’t want to associate with me. I was in shock. Up until then, I didn’t know that liking boys was bad and I definitely didn’t think that I was bad. I was a goodie goodie girl and I had put forth a lot of effort trying to do things that were good just so that the people I loved would approve of me, so you can imagine how devastated I was when I found out that, try as I had to be good, my dear brother still thought that I wasn’t worth talking to…
So, as I’m writing this journal, I’m realizing that I have taken that relationship dynamic with me all the way throughout my adulthood and I have created all of these relationships with men that are similar to the relationship I had with my brother. We love each other dearly, but something happens, usually something very small, and they feel the need to run away from me… I wonder how my brother really felt. Did he feel betrayed because I was doing and saying things he never thought I would do? Did he feel like he had to protect himself from me because I would mess up his life or make him go to hell? Probably a combination of both.
Why do they come back, God? Because they Love me, You say. But if they love me, then why do they leave? Because they Love me, You say, and they are afraid of being hurt by me… It’s all so sad. What can I do to change this pattern? Forgive him completely. Your brother and all of the rest. That’s it? I feel so jaded about love, God. I want someone to see my point of view and say, “that wasn’t fair. She was just a little girl.” I want someone to say sorry to me. Sorry for leaving me. Sorry for disappointing me. Sorry for not telling me that they had changed plans. Sorry for lying to me and betraying me. I want them to at least say that they didn’t know what they were doing…
I’m never going to get those apologies, am I? Sigh… You say that my life is my life and their lives are theirs, and I need to learn to mind my business. It is best for me that I forgive them, that way I can stop recreating opportunities for people to tell me sorry. Hehe. They are on their own paths and maybe one day it will lead them to making amends and maybe it won’t. The question is no longer about what other people should do. The question is, what should you do so that you can continue on this Earth with peace of mind and a clean heart and so that you can create the life of your dreams in all aspects, which, Lady, includes a deep and fulfilling Love. We all know that you want that most of all…
Change is becoming easy for you now and I know that things seem to be changing faster and faster, but you asked for this, so Let’s let it happen, okay? OK. So now, for today. Let’s forgive him. And them. Let’s get back to your “to-do” list and… OK. Why did #2 just burst in my room all excited while I’m over here writing my sad story? LOL. I think it’s time to go ahead and get happy…
Demand Love. That’s it. We are moving forward now. Let the wounds from the past heal. They will and they do heal. Moving forward, in the new relationships that you are creating, demand love. Stand up for yourself and demand reciprocity. It will happen if you ask for it. You know it will, so you better get ready…
Day 128
Demand Love
For some time, I have had this dream of living an international lifestyle. I would be filthy rich and spend my time working on creative projects in the US, helping build communities overseas, visiting with my mom and siblings, and teaching and speaking wherever I pleased. I would own a couple of businesses that made their own money and a man and some children would be nearby… This has been my dream for a while.
As I’m sitting here in my room on this drizzly, overcast day, watching the wind blow through the leaves of the tree that is outside my second story window, I realize that my dream life is becoming real… Nobody ever talks about this part of growing. The part where the fantasy becomes real. For a long time, I have been the woman who’s dream almost comes true, and because this has been my identity for a while, I almost always find a way to sabotage a situation right when I think it’s about to be for real for real.
Deep down, I have not been able to accept the possibility of my dream really coming true and as I look around me, I see this phenomenon occurring with many people that I know. We just don’t believe that it should happen to us and we will find a way to make sure that the carrot of happiness is dangling just far enough in front of us so that we can’t taste it.
Now what happens when you actually reach out and grab the carrot? It is in your hand. All of this time, chasing the carrot has been your motivation for living, and now you have it in your hand. What do you do? Many times I have thrown the carrot back into the ethers because, well, the only thing I have known how to do was chase the carrot, but now, the carrot remains in my hand. In fact, I have tried to throw it away, but it hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just right there on the ground ready and available for me to pick up.
It seems like a small dilemma as I write about it, but I swear, talk to anyone you know who has a dream they are chasing, and you will find that many people are horrified of having their dream come true, and they don’t even realize it. This change thing sounds pretty on paper, but in real life it can make your head hurt or your back ache, and inevitably it will make you loose your sense of stability.
I’m not scared anymore, though. I’ve had enough headaches and I’ve cried enough to know that it doesn’t last. What I am feeling now is detachment, like a soldier being sent on a mission. You’re not particularly excited about the battle you’re going to have to go through and the thought that you can emerge as a hero doesn’t even thrill you. You’re just determined. This is what you have to do. This is the path that you have chosen in life, so you just have to walk it.
A part of you wishes that you could just go home, though, and hold on to someone you used to love. You know that the people from the past will not understand you, even though you will understand them. But still, you long for a hand to hold on this hero’s journey… Your friends have regular jobs and houses and husbands and wives and children and you know you can have those things too if you chose them, but somehow the thoughts of having those things don’t fill you up. In your mind, you are on a mission, and try as you may, nothing else will satisfy unless you are living in alignment with that mission.
It’s not as glamourous as it seems from the outside looking in. In fact, the hero’s journey can be quite lonesome. It will bring you to your knees and you must know God, or something deeper than your mind, if you are to succeed.
This is the path that I have chosen. I won’t call myself a hero, but I will admit that I am being called by something greater than myself to do my part in the world now. There are gifts and skills in me that need to be developed and shared, and I have been moving in this direction all along, but in this moment, it’s like I can see what’s happening. I can see the preparation that is taking place. I can see the lessons that are being learned. I can see that this blog and all of my relationships and disappointments and successes and failures and the arrogance and pride and depression and fear and self-loathing and guilt and happiness and joy that have come along with the things I have experienced thus far in my life, all of it has been for this time, for this moment that I say I am ready, God, to do your will! I didn’t know I was going to end up all religious, but I guess I had to take the long way back home.
I am ready, now, though. I know that I’m going to have to deal with myself and speak up more. I am going to have to apologize to people who may never apologize in return and I’m going to have to forgive them anyway. My mom and other people may not agree with some of my decisions and I know that I might not see the rewards of my actions for a long time, but I also know that there is no other way for me to live than to do Your will, God. It has come to this…
There is no way for me to stop crying every day except that I live in integrity with my soul’s calling. I see now that these tears have been a blessing. Thank you God…
Day 127
The Hero’s Journey
I am trembling right now, amazed at how good life has become.
It’s 2:01 am. April 20, 2012. Today is my birthday. I spent the changing of the day talking to my sis and roomie #2 about how we can make things work as roommates. And then they hugged me and wished me happy birthday at midnight. I Love them. They Love me. Life is so good…
Just a few minutes ago, I got off the phone with a very old friend of mine, who I haven’t talked to in over two years. No. Wait. First let me tell you. During my conversation with my sis and # 2 tonight, we were discussing what our summer plans were, in regards to the apartment. I told them my plans, and I told them that ideally, I would have liked to go to overseas and work there for a bit, but I had made no plans in that direction, so I don’t know if and how that was going to happen.
OK. Then my friend whom I haven’t spoken to in years called me. He didn’t know it was my birthday today. He didn’t know about my ideal summer plans. He’s a writer, a publisher, and an independently wealthy business owner. To make a long story short, he asked me if I would like to come and visit him overseas this summer. He said he would buy me a ticket and he would give me a paid job at his publishing company if I like…
I’m sitting here wondering if I really am lucky. God says I am and that everything I ever dreamed of can come true if I let it… It’s just so much to swallow, you know? Where does that happen at? I’m going to say yes this time. I’m going to go to overseas and I’m going to go ahead and let this producer buy my script… Wow. I will be filthy rich by July, Insha’ Allah, if I just keep saying yes.
I have never been filthy rich before and I have never been a published writer before and I am so amazed because just yesterday the thought of being successful or of accomplishing my goals and being happy horrified me, but today I’m not afraid. I feel a peace and a calm in my heart as if this is the way it’s supposed to be…
God, this is real now. So, it’s my birthday and I cry if I want to, and I am crying, but they are tears of joy because life is real now. It’s not just a fantasy or it’s not just me hoping and wishing and dreaming about a thing. Things are happening. Life is changing. I am growing and getting over stuff and my world is responding to my birth. I don’t know where I will end up, but deep down, I know that it will forever be better than where I am, because I have chosen to live…
One day I will be able to take the things that are on my heart and make others understand them. One day we will all be able to communicate with each other on the deeper levels and we will find that all of the hatred and the fighting, all of the bitterness and the pain, the seeming need to validate ourselves and our beliefs by making other people wrong, all of it doesn’t matter.
It is so much better to be happy. It is so much nicer to tell the truth and be yourself. It’s so much more fun to be close to people instead of distant. It is so much more freeing to say sorry and forgive and make peace with people. It is so much more fulfilling to be in touch with your spirit, or whatever you want to call it, and it is so much easier, and much more rewarding, to do the work that you are being called to do on Earth… I am learning, God. You may have Your way with me now.
Breathing in this new day. Letting the joy take over. Surrendering to Life…
Day 126
Surrender To Life
Resistance is a funny thing. Today I caught a cold, I have horrible cramps in my shoulder, and I’ve been having a hard time breathing. It’s no coincidence that these things are happening right as I’m about to turn in the first script that I think there is a very high high probability that I’m going to sell.
It’s all good though. I’m like Truman on the Truman show. Resistance doesn’t phase me anymore. It’s just a trick our bodies and minds do to keep us doing the same things over and over again. It’s a part of the process and this time I’m just going to keep working through it.
I’m at my Alma Mater again. This time pulling an all nighter in one of the classrooms, working diligently on my script. Three young students came into the classroom and asked if they could study in here with me. I said yes. I think it’s sweet. People. It’s nice to have people around. I’m just now recognizing this.
God has given me a gift this past year. People. I was alone and my sis came to stay with me. I didn’t invite her. In fact, I tried to push her away, but she stayed nonetheless and brought another young soul into our lives. I say thank you, God. It’s funny. Sometimes blessings and angels don’t look like blessings and angels. We have been programmed to think that everything that is good for us must come in a pretty little package with a bow and not disturb our lives or our patterns, but I’m finding that the things that help me grow actually disturb my patterns, make my heart beat fast and take me out of my comfort zone.
It’s all good. Change is in the air. The seasons are shifting. Life is taking on a new tone. The tone is called sweetness. Easiness. Acceptance. Surrender.
I started this blog trying to figure out how I could stop crying every day, but that’s not what it’s about any more. It’s not even about how to be happy. It’s about how to be true to yourself. That’s where it starts. That’s where anything starts. You have to figure out who you are and what you want and why you’re here, then you can decide what you’d like to do from there.
I wish I could tell you that you’re gonna get there. I wish I could give you hope and say that all of your dreams will come true, that none of your efforts will go in vain, but I can’t say that. All I can say is that you’re gonna die. That’s the only surety in life. We are going to die. And at some point, we are going to have to look back at what we did here and come to terms with what we didn’t do, and all of the things we never tried. It won’t matter if somebody hurt us and never said sorry. It won’t matter what our parents gave us or never gave us. The only regrets we will have when we look back at our lives will be for the things we never tried to do, the things we never said, the peace we never attempted to make, the resentments we held…
The only way you can live with a clear conscience, or I can say, the only way I can live with a clear conscience is to try. Try to make a good thing. Try to show someone you care. Try to go for that dream. Just try. You might fail. At some point, you probably will fail at something, but so what? You can try again. People may not forgive you or understand when you want them to. People may not be receptive to what you have to offer, they may reject your gifts, but that’s ok. It’s not for you to judge the plans that God has for us, and we never know what effect a single word might have on someone years down the line..
Our job, my job, is only to be still, seek guidance, and then try something. Tonight I’m going to try and finish my script. Tomorrow I’m going to try and figure out how to live harmoniously with some human beings who seem intent to stay around me, and I’m going to try and let go of the fears that have stopped me from fulfilling my destiny. I have faith, Allah. I know that you are The Responsive One, and as I reach towards You, You are reaching towards me.
I am confident that my efforts will not go in vain… Ameen.
Day 125
Try
1017pm. At my Alma Mater about to work all night long. There are so many students in here just doing work. A secret world.
Today has been such a good day. Amazing how life happens like that. One day it seems like everything is falling apart and then the next everything seems possible. I guess change can get messy sometimes.
In approximately 30 hours, I will be turning in my second draft of a script. I got asked for a second draft. I’m going to do my best and leave the rest to God. I must say that I am feeling rather anxious, though. If I sale this script, my life will be changed forever more.
So, I’m breathing, and blogging and trying to ease myself into the change that is taking place, but there is no easing. Whether it seems easy or hard, change has come knocking on my door. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone and caused me to look at all the deep seated issues that have been in me for so long. It has busted my heart open and caused me to feel again, and now, it is asking that I stop dreaming and start being. It is whispering to my soul that I am here already.
I am no longer amazed by how much you can learn in a day. I’m looking at this thought that is floating around, this “I’m not good enough” that is sitting in my head somewhere trying to rear it’s ugly head just as I am about to make real peace with sis and actually take the next step in my writing career. I’m looking at it as it tries to stop me from releasing patterns of dysfunctional relationships and accepting real and authentic companionship. And I’m changing it. I’m moving the letters around. In fact, I’m erasing some letters and adding others. Editing, if you will.
And now, Lady, we are going to put into practice what we know. Yes, I am talking to myself. Listen. We are good enough, Okay? We are good enough. We are good enough. We are worthy of the very best in life. Let’s accept it. I know, this is new territory. We are safe. Don’t you see how far we have come? Don’t you see all that we have lived through? We are here now. The place we have been dreaming of forever. Don’t worry. Once the dream comes true, we will have new dreams and new dreams and new dreams. There is no way I can disappoint you. You are on track. Give me the chance to surprise you. Give me the chance to Love you. You have to let me. Oh, I so want to Love you.
You are strong now. You can handle Love. It is almost like pain. Intense. Wrenching. You are comfortable with pain, but Love is just the same. Only it’s the other side, you see? You will still feel something. Excitement. Not quite drama like you’re used to, but exhilaration. Oh, it’s a good thing, Lady, and it’s your time. Sometimes it’s just your time. It’s your time now. Do you understand? It is your time to Love. It is your time to cross over. Sit with it…. You have been preparing for a mighty mighty life. You had a mighty big dream and you had to do some growing and some letting go before you could handle it. But do you feel your heart now? It is the same heart. Do you know the difference? Yes, you do. You can feel your aliveness now. You are ready.
Do not doubt what I have in store for you. It is your time. Do not doubt that you are on the straight path. You have finally found it and learned to walk it. Do not doubt that you are a miracle. I know, you don’t want to be special, but you are. Go and do your work now. Say it with me now. “I am good enough.” Say it to that spot over your right eye that always tremors when you mention change. Say it to the place behind the center of your forehead that has become so used to holding a frown. “I am good enough. I am good enough now. I am good enough now. I am good enough now. Now, now, now. I accept my blessings now. I accept the change now. I love now. I Love now. The time is now. Now. I am good enough now. I am great now.” Ok, that’s a hard one to swallow. Let’s stick with what we can accept. I am good enough now. Heck, let’s just go for it. I am great now. I am great now. I am great now. Over and over until your mind accepts it. Over and over. We have all night. Tonight we are not stopping until we have done our best. We are not stopping until we have given our all. We are going there tonight. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now…
Day 124
The Time Is Now
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