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Day 144 – Who Do You Think You Are?

June 16, 2012

I’m sitting in my car in the middle of nowhere, Country. I left my mom’s house late last night on my way to the other side of the country on the promise of a dream come true…

I haven’t driven that much, though, because I became inordinately tired and so I had to pull over and get some sleep.  I recognize resistance when I see it, so this morning I decided to pull over and do some intense prayer and meditation, because I am committed to reaching my destination.

I was feeling quite horrified. Of everything of course. Scared of the possibility of failure and scared of the even greater possibility of success. I’ve experienced failure and I know it very well, so that doesn’t scare me much anymore. But my experience of having the fulfillment of my deepest desires come true has not been as often.

You know, the truth is, this dream come true stuff is even scarier than the fear of not having what we want. We are used to not having what we want. But consider putting your whole self on the line, making yourself that vulnerable, giving your all, sacrificing stuff, and then not getting what you set out to get. That kind of fear can leave you stuck in the middle of nowhere, sitting in a car typing a blog…

So, since I really can’t go back to mom’s house and deep down I know that God-willing I’m going to reach my destination, I have decided to deal with myself before I continue on this journey. I got to the root of my fears: I’ve done this before. Not often, but I’ve given my all before, spent all my money, gone to the limit of giving my heart, done my best at writing something, and prayed and meditated my heart out to try and establish a deep spiritual connection. I ended up being gravely disappointed when my investments turned sour and my love was not returned, when my work was rejected and I was told by people close to me that I have become a lost heathen…

So good. I know why I am scared to give my all and make this big move based on pure faith and intuition: I’ve done it before and ended up getting really damaged…. So, I’m still sitting because knowing why you do what you do is just the beginning of changing a situation. I go deeper. I read the book I am reading and it essentially addresses exactly what I’m dealing with, saying that the bodies of experience that I had before were created by a totally different person than I am now.  I never thought of that.

And so I started thinking, well who am I now, or rather, who do I think I am, and this is what came up: lonely, ugly, unsuccessful, worthless, disempowered, poor, broken, victim, unholy. Wow. The good stuff didn’t even come to mind.

So that’s what I’m dealing with now, but you know what? I’m not even dealing with it because I know it’s not true anymore. It was true. I have been that woman. I have been and felt and acted like all those things, but, as I’m sitting in this car, I’m recognizing that I have become someone else and am becoming someone different even in this moment.

And so, God, with your permission, I would like to recreate my identity now, and acknowledge who I am and who I am becoming. Because that old woman that I was cannot be successful at the journey I am taking. I can’t be poor and rich at the same time, and I can’t believe that I am unsuccessful and create any type of success in my life. Feed yourself good food, You tell me, and I give myself permission to eat.

This woman, me, I, sitting in this car on the way to the rest of my life am in this moment acknowledging and creating a new identity, an identity that supports the fulfillment of my destiny on Earth and beyond. I allow my thoughts and self perception to change. I give myself permission to be powerful. Yes, my favorite scary word. Power. I accept you. I allow you to be me. I am powerful and I use my power in a way that is good for all involved. I am powerful. I am powerful. I am powerful. Laydie, you are powerful. That is who you are now.

Holy. Blessed and worthy. Take it. Become it. Believe it. Make it you. We are creating a new identity. We are accepting what is given. I am blessed and holy and guided. That is who I am now. I am blessed and holy and guided. God is for me and not against me. I am good. I am holy. This is who I am. Yes, I am worthy of good things in life. Me. I deserve it. This is who I am. A woman who is deserving of good things in life. I accept them. I accept them, God. I am blessed, holy and worthy of the very best in life and I now graciously accept them.

I already know that I am not alone or ugly. Yes, me, we are supported and loved by many and we give support and love and we are beautiful. We know that.

Let’s deal with success and poverty, and we’ll throw victimization and brokenness in there, because they are all cousins. Let’s go. Who are we now? Who are we becoming? What are we allowing into our lives? This is a hard one for you. Save the best for last. Tell the truth. If you can not truly claim to be it, then at least give yourself permission to become it. I can do that. I give myself permission to succeed at having the life of my dreams, which includes wealth, love, and right work. I give myself permission to be successful. The woman I am becoming is successful. I can be successful. This is a possibility for me. I can be wealthy. Yes, I am choosing to be successful and wealthy, and because I can choose, I am no longer a victim, and because I can heal and have been healing, I am no longer broken. I am whole. I am a creator of circumstances.

Let’s put it all together now. Who do I think I am? Now. I am a powerful woman who uses my power for the good of all involved. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams, holy and worthy of the very best life has to offer. I graciously accept the beauty, support, and love that I have been given and I radiate it back out into the world. I am a multidimensional being with a plethora of life experiences and I walk around on the Earth with the intention of creating that which I wish to see. I have the ability to be wealthy and successful and I allow wealth and success to be a part of my experience even now. Even in this day. I am constantly getting better and better.

This is who I am. This is who I am becoming….

Day 144

Who Do You Think You Are?

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From → The Nitty Gritty

2 Comments
  1. I love watching your journey and who you are becoming.

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