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Day 152 – Towards The Light

July 24, 2012

i dont want to be alone anymore… Now I see why old people just like to sit on porches and talk to folks. it’s the best thing ever.

back from the Bahamas. at mom’s house. back in Cali tomorrow. Dark things are coming to the surface and I just let them pass through. anxiety about what the future holds. this past week in the Bahamas has been so full of light and love and aliveness. It was so wonderful to be around good friends. It was all so wonderful…

I don’t think Dream Lover is going to make it to the finish line. He’s not even running the race, but instead, he’s sitting in a corner somewhere holding himself, scared to lose. It’s okay. Everyone has their own path. I’m ready to experience other things now, though, and he doesn’t seem to be willing to face his demons at this point in his life. People and deep connections are important to me now, and I don’t want to be alone anymore…

Funny thing is, I didn’t realize how alone I was until this past month or so when I experienced the opposite. Let me clarify. i haven’t been so-called alone, but sometimes you can be surrounded by people and not really connect with anyone. During my Bahamas trip, I actually connected with the people I was with. It was so free and easy. It was just so easy to be myself  and we (my guest and my friend who I met up with in the Bahamas) thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company… I was the opposite of alone and I see that my life back home is not filled with these kinds of experiences.

I am apprehensive about how I am going to go back to my little life after experiencing so much joy. Actually, apprehensive is an understatement. Dark things are coming to the surface… vacation over. back to reality.

closing my eyes so i can see better… prayer is what i need right now, God. the real kind. i have seen the kind of life i want to live. i have tasted it. i thought it was just a dream, but it was real. it was me. i have the pictures to prove it. that was me smiling so big. that was me with real friends. that was me with a man i loved. that was me doing fancy things in fancy places… and now i’m going back home. and none of that stuff is there.

this isn’t so easy for me. to know how good life can be, to know how good life has been, and to know that where i am going, those things I loved are no longer there.

slow and steady, You say. slow and steady… I need your help on this one, God. Dark things are coming to the surface and the future looks kind of bleak from where I’m standing…

breathing… what a change in perception. i didn’t realize how much i missed human connectivity. it’s been a long time. i have been so alone for such a long time, missing out on the subtle things that pass between humans, the sheer joy that comes from having a true companion that accepts you just the way you are. i have been missing out on the good human stuff. i am grateful, God. I see. life can be a marvelous thing.  i am so grateful…

moving forward, i know that things are going to change. you can not go back to darkness once you have seen the light, and so I don’t know what’s going to happen back in Cali, or even how long I will be there from this point forward, I only know that something wonderfully special has been awakened within me. It is the true desire to live a good life. And I mean a good life. I know that it is real now. It’s not just a fantasy.

things that I can’t control are important to me now, like friendships and relationships and community and love and abundance. this new part of life is something different altogether and i am an amateur at this good stuff and this intentional relationship stuff and this vulnerable stuff. i know i will learn with your grace, God. i am choosing faith instead of fear…

the dark things have come to the surface and they are being transmuted by the light, but i realize that i and everyone i have crossed paths with on this journey called life are not walking at the same pace. sometimes i am ahead, and sometimes they are. and it is okay. i am walking step by step with those who choose to walk with me, and God, I am afraid that I might have to walk alone at times… It was so nice to walk with others…

But it’s okay. I am a grown-up now. i can do this. From glory to greater glory. From light to brighter light i am not stopping. You said You are for me and not against me and I’m taking Your word for it… I’m gonna’ keep on walking…

Day 152

Towards The Light

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From → The Nitty Gritty

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