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Day 149 – Outside Of The Survival Zone

July 3, 2012

How long is a day, anyway?

Life goes like that sometimes. You make more progress in two weeks than you have made in two years, and other times, one year is so much the same that it feels like only a day has passed.

I’m back in Cali. Back in my apartment. The birds are chirping in the trees outside of my window. The windows are open and a breeze flows through the house. I ate good this morning. Some people invited me to 4th of July stuff… I am so easy to please. This is all I need. This and an outlet to express myself…

I have so much to talk about that I don’t know where to start. In two weeks, I have made more progress than I have made in two years. What’s probably more true is that I have been making progress all along, but I have finally started to see concrete results in the past two weeks.

So, I’m sitting here in my room, recovering from a really taxing journey back home, and I’m wondering what to do next. All doors are open. I don’t know how I got to this place, but I know that from where I am in consciousness, I can literally do anything, God willing. I am not in survival mode anymore.

Somehow I know that rent will always get paid and food will always be there. I know that wounds will heal and there are enough nice people in the world for me to always have some companion of sorts if I want it. I’m not afraid of rejection anymore. It happens. It’s a part of life, but it doesn’t matter too much, because people only have as much power over you as you give them. Someone will accept you. It just doesn’t make any sense that any of us would be created on this earth to be entirely alone, as weird and strange as we all might be…

I think we have been tricked. Scammed. We spend a big portion of our lives just trying to survive. For the longest part of my life, my only objective was to get a big house for my mom. That was it. Everything else I did in life was for that end. I don’t think anything is wrong with having goals and aspirations, but I think that we get caught up in the doing and having and we forget what life is really about. Perhaps we are so busy that we never even stop to ask what our lives are really about. Surely my sole purpose on Earth was not to just get a house for my mom. Surely there must be more.

So, I’m sitting here having a bit of an existential awakening. Dream Lover is rich and he has all of the connections that I need to take my work to the next level. He even has connections and opportunities that I never thought of. He is willing to give me a bunch of money and hook me up whether or not I ever marry him or have sex with him. He’s that kind of guy. A philanthropist of sorts. I’ve seen him do this kind of thing to other people, sponsor them, so I know he will do it for me. He has already started. So, all problems are solved now. Money? Check. Food? Check. Housing? Check. Avenues for expressing my work? Check. Healthy relationships? Check, check, and check.

There. Now what? God, you gave me everything I ever asked for and now I don’t know what to do with myself. You see, my whole life has been about struggling and trying to get these things, and I can see that so many people’s lives are about the exact same things, but what will you do once you get them? I think that’s where the real living starts. Outside of the survival zone, and I see God, that this is where my real work starts. Oh, I know, I’ve been working all along, but everything I have done thus far has been preparing me for this time now. I can feel it. I can see it. It all makes sense to me now. I had to be in these places so I could get rid of my arrogant, judgmental attitude. I had to learn about compassion and connectivity some kind of way, and i am still learning. I had to know what it meant to give of yourself on purpose and I had to learn how to protect myself from those who don’t have my best interest at heart and also how to trust that I am good…. I am still learning things. Life is a process. But I feel ready now. I feel able to do something good and beautiful with my life now.

Call me crazy, but I’m not worried about how I’m going to do what I’m here to do. If God puts something in you, of course He is going to provide a way for you to do it. You just have to trust and walk as you are led. So here we go, God. Thank you so much for so much. Let’s get to living!

Day 149

Outside Of The Survival Zone

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From → The Nitty Gritty

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