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Day 147 – Ask The Questions

June 28, 2012

Godd morning world,

It’s a beautiful day today. I’m up early like I like to be and buzzing and grateful.

I am in the throes of transformation and I’m actually excited about it. I’m really starting to believe that anything is possible, not just in theory.

My world just changed. Literally. Life looks so different now. Of course Dream Lover had a lot to do with it, but I think I’ve been moving in this direction for some time now. I have been motivated by the desire to prove something to someone most of my life, the desire to get something. I’ll show them (or me) that I’m smart. I’ll show them that I can do it. I’ll get this or I’ll get that and then it will make such and such proud, or even myself proud. I’ll make myself a role model… It’s been all about me and my self esteem and ego for a while, but I’m realizing that wanting and wanting and wanting and getting really doesn’t make me happy. I’ve come all this way just to see that giving from the heart is so much better than wanting. It just is. And the rest falls into place…

I think this blog was the beginning of the death of my ego. I didn’t have the energy to care about proving anything anymore. I just wanted to be happy and live my purpose, but at first I couldn’t even imagine what that really meant. Now I can visualize things and I actually experience bits of joy in my daily life. Now when I pray and meditate and think about what I can offer to the world and what I can create instead of just thinking about what I can get and sometimes my actions reflect my deepest insights.

And now, with Dream Lover around and another aspect of life coming into view, the thing that I actually always wanted most of all (Love), I see that anything really is possible, and now the question is, as my book put it, what do I really want to do with this physical incarnation I call my life, and why do I want to do it?

It’s a seems like a simple enough question, but for me, it’s a question I’ve never asked from the vantage point of everything is possible. What I wanted to do always had something to do with what I thought I could do. And so I said I wanted to paint the apartment in my kitchen blue when really I wanted to own a home close to nature. And I said I wanted to finish writing a script when really I wanted my script to be a movie.

I think we get what we ask for, and just to be honest, I never really thought I could have the big things that I want, so I never asked them. I never even imagined them, but I am starting to do that now. And it’s a funny thing. It’s not all about me anymore. I mean, it’s not so much about what I want as why I want it. I like this deeper place I am going, this deeper way of living. Don’t get mad at me for saying I like myself and my life. It’s taken me a while to even imagine that I might be valuable. I am valuable…

So, why do I do what I do? Well, it has changed now, God. It has changed. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be deeply connected to people now. I see that now and I even see how that deep seated desire and the denial of such has caused a lot of grief in my life. I didn’t get it and because of the way I grew up and the religion I was in, the people close to me didn’t get it. They couldn’t understand why I would want to be a massage therapist (of all things!) and why I always asked people such prodding, intrusive questions. Anyway…

I think I’ll let that part of my life be over now. The sad part. The sorry part. The victim part. It’s over. There. Done. Now that we are creating a new identity, a new life from the vantage point of freedom and love and possibility and deep connection and spiritual guidance, I would like to move around on the Earth in a different kind of way. So tell me what to do now, God. You already know what to do, You tell me, and You are right. Ask, my Love, and You shall receive. You whisper to the most tender parts of me…

Thank You so much, God.

Day 147

Ask The Questions

From → The Nitty Gritty

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