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Day 151 – Stop Crying About It

July 19, 2012

Good morning blog world/diary/journal/God,

I’ve missed talking to you. I’ve been going through a lot of changes and haven’t really been clear about what to write about. I’m in the Bahamas right now, taking my trip that I won on that game show… I keep winning stuff and the hotel staff here is super nice to us, treating us as VIP guests. My companion says I’m lucky…

The Bahamas is cool, beautiful like you see on TV. The whole commonwealth consists of 700 + islands, twenty-something of which are inhabited, and there’s two sides to it, an island called Paradise Island, which is what most people think of when they say the Bahamas, and then rest of the Bahamas. Paradise Island is a manufactured paradise, with a casino, all the water sports, a water park, huge fancy villas, houses and hotels, spotless streets, beach upon beach, and aqua blue water. Most of the people there are tourists or people from abroad. The rest of the Bahamas is mostly occupied by the natives. They have little parts of towns that are glamourous and set up for the tourists, and then the rest is just like any other non-western country… I don’t really have an opinion on this place… The natives are funny and flirty towards us…

I don’t want to talk about the Bahamas this morning, though. I have a well of emotion rising up in me for some reason. Dream Lover got scared. We’re taking a break from each other. It’s funny how we switched places. He now feels inadequate and feels like I’m too good for him. He’s now horrified of being vulnerable and getting disappointed. He is not ready to have what he truly wanted right now. I’m not scared of much anymore and I have been and am continuing to build myself up so that I can actually accept the things I say I want. It’s funny, because he thought he was ready. It happens like that some times. He hasn’t been MIA for too long, and I think I miss him, but I’m not sure… Being with him was like such a wonderful dream. If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it happened. it sure did change my life, though.

In the past, this would be the point where I get depressed and go cry and be like, “oh, why me. I thought he was the one. Now how can I be sure about anything in life?” I went through that phase already, and am still going through it, but I don’t feel like oh why me this time. I feel like “thank you, God”. Uh huh. Maybe he is still the one, but maybe not. I love him to death, but this kind of love I want is only for the brave, and I am of the brave. I know that now. I’m not sure if he’s gonna make it past his fears at this point in his life, but I know that I’m I hella brave and I’m ready to give and receive deep love right now. We’ll see if he can keep up…. Thank you, God. Thank you for this wonderfully magic summer and this wonderful life. Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me to see what I really think is important in this life… I know more about who I am now. Thank you, God…

It’s not about money or traveling or ambition per se for me. It’s not about getting and having the fancy stuff. For me, life is about the little things, like intentional kindness even when you are upset. True forgiveness. Shameless loving. Uninhibited expression. Creativity. Bold spiritual inquiry. Action on your deepest desires. Balance. And oh, connectivity. We have come a long way, and like my four-month-old nephew, we are not cry babies anymore. We can sit still and just smile about nothing in particular, while still being true to ourselves and our needs… We can learn from our past without throwing temper tantrums and acting out of anxiety. The lesson is not to stop trusting people or to stop wanting the things you said you wanted. Look deeper. Look for the real lesson. Look for the good lesson in the exchange. That’s how you grow. Because it never ends. You don’t stop wanting what you want just because you repress your desires and get all mad and bitter about it. You just turn into a porcupine when you do that. You might as well figure out how to grow up and be happy now, or else you’ll just keep being sad…

I am not afraid of much anymore, and when I am not afraid of much, my lucky self kicks in, and so I’m expecting luck now and success in my endeavors. You say that’s okay, God,  and that’s all right with me. Thank you for being on my team. I Love You. I know it doesn’t mean much to You. You say, yes it does, so I’ll say it again. Thank you, God, for blessing me and changing my mind so that life is actually something that I like participating in…

I’m gonna go now. Start my day and stuff. Say my prayers. Do my hair. I want to do some work today and put my feet in the ocean. I get to see one of my long lost friends today, and that’s exciting! It’s finally okay with me to be okay. I feel all right with it. I actually feel compelled to be okay, like that’s part of the way you heal the world. You can’t go around trying to give people guidance and help and stuff if your all f*cked up inside. Well, you can, but you know what I’m saying.

So that’s it. That’s my writing comeback. Not the strongest, but I don’t mind if you don’t. We’re grown ups now. Let’s cut the bulsh*t and be happy already. If you’re willing to do some work and face those rotten demons, if you use your experiences to expand yourself rather than contract, happiness can actually be an option… Peace and Blessings.

Day 151

Stop Crying About It

From → The Nitty Gritty

  1. i love your post! Just got back from Dubai, went alone just to clear my head, and i pretty much felt the same way you write. God loves me and I love Him (phew, otherwise things could be really bad!)
    Live life the way you want to and not the way you think you should, someone said that to me a while back and it kicked in with me!

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