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Day 150 – Surrender

July 9, 2012

Dream Lover is sick as a dog…

Trying to find my center… Sometimes I doubt this way of living, from the inside out. Sometimes I wish I could plug into something, a religion, a cultural doctrine, anything to tell me what to do with myself. My momma. I’m unplugged from everything, yet I don’t feel lost. Why not, God? You say I’m not lost, but who are You anyway? Is it really you talking to me, God, or just my mind playing tricks? No answer…

How do you decide how to live a life? What are the rules? The other day, one of my siblings asked me if I’m a believer. She wanted to know because she wanted to know if it was okay for her to come to me for help. According to her faith, she shouldn’t go to unbelievers for help. I’m not even mad at her. She’s trying to live life according to a particular doctrine. It must be a lot easier. When I was talking to her, I was thinking, “how nice it must be to have a guidebook on life…”

I don’t have any rules or guidebooks. I tried them before, but they didn’t work out too well for me. I tried really hard, but I couldn’t make certain things make sense to me and I couldn’t help but feel like a liar and a hypocrite when I was walking in one direction in life, but not really believing in it… And they say lean not on your own understanding, but what else can you lean on when it’s time to make a choice? What else can you lean on from stage one, when you are deciding which book to take as your guide if any at all?

We’ve been talking here for a while (or not) God, and I haven’t been able to hear you clearly for a while. I don’t really know what to do next, in any form or fashion. My room cocoon is wonderful, but I know I have to come out of here much sooner than later, and come back to the world, but I am so different now. I am so changed. What happened? I don’t even know myself anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true… What’s true is that I don’t even care about the things I used to care about.

I don’t care about money anymore or fame or making anyone proud. I still think my writings could help a lot of people and I enjoy writing and for that reason I’m still going to get them out, but they are just not that important to me anymore. You say I am in a good place, but God, I’m not even sure if It’s You talking to me, or just my own thoughts Do You see??? Of course You do. Guide me, please. I surrender now.

I surrender… Take me into the depths of truth, Lord. Take me into the depths of Life. It is okay with me now. I am strong enough. I’m a grown up now. It’s okay if I’m alone sometimes or confused. I think it will be worth it. I think this is my destiny. I guess at some point you have to trust something… There is no way to prove whether there is a God or what that even means or if you hear voices or see spirits or what is right or wrong… It goes really deep.

All there is is you. And what you hear. And what you see. And what you do. And whether what you hear and see and do and be reflects who you are… I surrender now, God. I surrender to who I really am. Please be with me…

Day 150


From → The Nitty Gritty

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