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Day 170 – Relax

October 5, 2012

It’s 4 am and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I was on the phone for almost four hours with a new guy that I met almost immediately after I posted my last blog…

I had left the Writer’s Guild library and decided to go the park before I continued on with my day. I wanted to sit out in nature and meditate a bit before I made a call I had to make, and I ran into this sweaty guy who was running around the track.

God, You cease to amaze me. How are you just gonna answer my prayers that quick??? I’m not gonna jump the gun and fantasize about him or create something that’s not concrete yet, but can I just say that this is the first time since I’ve been in Los Angeles that I have met an eligible bachelor who is completely ready and available to start a real relationship with someone today? This is the first time in a long time…

And I see the difference. All of the men I have met in the past have either lived in some far away place or they’ve been in the midst of getting over some woman that still had their heart, or they were physically caught up with someone(s) else, or too busy with work to think about relationships or scared to give their heart or whatever. Unavailable. But I actually met a single man who has a stable life, isn’t currently screwing anyone, hasn’t been emotionally attached to anyone for over a year, lives on his own, has an income, is age appropriate, has no kids, doesn’t smoke or drink, prays every day, thinks quirky women who look like me are the hottest thing on the planet, and he’s cute? And he’s interested in me? And he only dates one person at a time??? Wow…

I see why you give things in increments, God. I can’t even sleep at the thought that I have met one of these elusive characters: the available man. This is new to me.

Prayers get answered. Prayers get answered. It is all happening so fast. I am closing my eyes so that I can see clear, and You say say Yes again. And I say Yes and I’m trying not be scared. Moving forward would mean letting go of all of my other fantasies. It would mean I can no longer wait for the day Mr. Almost Famous finally realizes that he’s in love with me… It would mean that I can’t keep hoping in the deep deep corners of my mind that Dream Lover will reappear one day. It would mean that I have to accept that Mr. Colorado just lives in Colorado but he’ll never live with me again. It would mean that I would have to let the past go. Like, for real. Because I see that you are brining me a good thing. The present. The future. It’s different than what I thought it would be. It’s not a fantasy. It’s actually real.

I am afraid that I will fail, God. That I won’t be able to sustain the real. But I am willing to be strong. You said all I had to do is be willing, and so I am willing to be strong enough to accept good things for real, not just in my head. I am willing to use my strength in a good way now. I am willing to give it up. Yes. Now, today and ever more. Everything. I am willing to give up everything if it means that I will be able to taste the life that is scratching at my soul. The apartment, my perceptions of myself and the world, everything. I’m willing to be wrong about everything, and I’m even willing to be right.

I’m willing to make the trade. Fantasy for reality. Dreams for dreams coming true. Sad for happy. Past for present. Help me, God, to hold this space, please. Help me to not be afraid of a good life anymore, to not worry about how things will end up. Help me to really be happy. Help me to live my destiny. I really want it. With all of me. And I’m willing to accept it.  Help me to be a good person, please. I am praying to You tonight. I am praying like my life depends on it, because I know it does. And it is not me doing the magic. I know.  But I know I have to be willing to accept miracles and I am more than willing to accept the good things that even my brain denies.

So brain, you and I are going to have a talk right now. This is it. We have a good life now. No ifs, ands or butts about it. Our life is a good life. We are going to take a bath and wash you out so that you can be clear enough to accept all this new good stuff that is rushing towards us. We are going to sustain this good life. Nope. I don’t want to hear about the past. It’s over. It’s done. The pain is gone. You don’t believe me? Look. Our back doesn’t even hurt any more. It’s done. Relax the borough in our forehead. Relax our mind for a second. Relax. I am going to clean you over with truth, in all your achy places. Brain wash for real… Relax. I am going to bless you with hope and even that other elusive word: Love. Relax. You are safe now. You are smart now. I Love You. Relax. We have tapped into our one and Only protector and He is well pleased with us. Good job. Relax. Now you may live. Now you may live…

Day 170

Relax

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From → The Good Stuff

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