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Day 171 – Success

October 9, 2012

Good morning world/God/me,

It’s 6:11 and the sun hasn’t come out yet. I’ve been up for a while posting resumes and sorting out my finances and housing situation.

My mood is kind of low. A little tired of things not working out yet. Not discouraged, just tired. I want it to be easier, God. I did an inventory of my life the other day and discovered that not much of it going the way I had imagined it to be right now. I had to scan everything and see if my life had ever gone the way I had imagined and I found a time when it had! Before I came to LA. I was actually successful, with enough money, and a place of my own, doing the exact job I wanted to do and being surrounded by people that I loved to be around. I was in a dance group and doing stuff in the community… What happened?

I tried to locate the exact moment when things fell apart for me, and I could see that it was a gradual breakdown. Like if you get in a car accident and years later you have chronic back pain. Step one was when I came to LA. I was in grad school and it was really challenging and I had to work hard and a lot to keep up. In the meantime, an major investment I had made back home was going sour. I didn’t have the time or energy to go to school and take care of the investment, so I let the investment fail. It was the first time in my life that I had failed at anything, and I was in my upper twenties by then. I’m just realizing now that it was traumatizing. That was my initiation to failure.

I have had some minor successes since then, but I don’t think I’ve gotten to the point of flourishing consistently since I’ve been in this town. Granted, my career changed and I decided to try and get into a field that is much more competitive than what I used to do, and granted, my family is not here, but I don’t think those are the reasons why I haven’t seen the success I would like. I think it’s me. Something broke in me. I stopped believing in myself. I started getting scared. I never used to be scared before I did stuff. The possibility that I could fail never even occurred to me before it actually happened to me, and that fear is a crippling, debilitating disease. It is like a monster in your brain devouring all faith and stunting all progress…

God, I am ready to bid the monster goodbye now. I don’t even have to slay it or anything. I just want to do like the little girl did on “Beasts of the Southern Wild”. I want to look it in the eye and tell it to leave. Because this is not who I am. I am not a failure. I’m just not. And this will no longer do. This scraping and begging and barely getting by, these ridiculous relationships with foundations of usury and manipulation, this keeping my love in a bottle, this gnawing fear, these incomplete projects and unexpressed potential will no longer do. It’s unacceptable as my life now. I’ve really had enough of it, and I’m talking to myself because it’s no one else’s fault. I can blame the men or my parents or my gender or race or society or my age or whatever, but the truth of the matter is, this life in these fingers that type these words is mine. It’s mine.

And God, I haven’t been listening. Not all the way. You’ve already told me what I need to do, but I have done it. Not all the way. I’ve been afraid. Please forgive me. I’m just getting to know you and I’ve been scared to listen to you because in the past when I was successful, I had just listened to myself and that’s how I got things done. I don’t think I really ever thought about whether or not I was happy or whatever, but now everything is different, and even my past life before Cali won’t do anymore.

I have a calling on my life. People used to tell me that when I was younger. Random strangers would walk up to me and prophesize about my life, and they still do, and I just thought they were weird and crazy, but maybe they weren’t. The other day, I was walking down the street in this ghetto and I passed by a pretty teenage girl. She was just minding her business. A petite thing with a huge backpack. We were walking in opposite directions and I saw her coming from a distance and I thought, “how pretty”. What was interesting was what happened when she passed me back. It was like a wave came over me, like I had just walked into something beautiful in the middle of this ghetto. It was the energy she was radiating. So peaceful… And I thought, what a beautiful thing. Am I like that? Because if I can do that, if I can walk in the middle of the ghetto and make someone remember that life is good just by walking by, then I think my life would be well lived, and I think that that is what I am becoming and that is who I am, but I’d like my outside life to reflect that now, God.

Umm hmm. I am making requests. I am opening up. Because I can’t do this life thing without you any more. I don’t want to. I have experienced the bad stuff and I get it. I don’t judge people anymore. I understand. Life can break a person down before they even realize what’s happening. I get it. It happened to me. And now I don’t even get mad at the guys who hurt me. It happened to them too. Something broke them and they don’t even realize it. And I can pray for them now. I can pray for myself. That we get it together.

Lord, help us. Open our hearts and minds so that we may know that all of this bad stuff isn’t necessary. Help us. We accept. I accept. Your Help and your guidance. I will follow. I allow the healing to take place. I see where the damage was done and I let it go. And I realize that pain and failure are possibilities in life, but success and ease are still possibilities as well. I choose them now. Today. I choose success and ease. I choose for life to be easy now. Like the Mulan song, I choose for my reflection to show who I really am inside. I choose life, Allah. I choose to thrive now instead of just getting by. And I choose forgiveness and compassion for all that have crossed my path, and I open myself to receiving forgiveness and compassion as well. I set this prayer free as my life. I am not ashamed anymore. This is who I am, and this is who I have been. I am okay with myself. Finally. Finally…

Day 171

Success

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From → The Good Stuff

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