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Day 168 – Grow Some More

September 29, 2012

Not quite sure where this one is going, so I’ll just write and see where I end up…

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days I’ve had in a long time. Disappointment is never easy, especially if you’ve given your all. It makes you question the meaning of things. How could I could love so hard, and my love not be returned? How could you give your all to a particular project and it not turn out successful? Where is the rhyme or reason in this?….

I just got interrupted by a phone call. Yesterday, I met this older guy as I was having lunch. I mean older, older, like old enough to be my grandfather. Long story short, he asked for my contact information and I gave it to him. I didn’t save his number in my phone, so he just called and it was a strange number, so I answered it… Hmm. Do you know he immediately began speaking to me about disappointment and manifesting one’s heart’s desires? Hmmm…

He said that for any given situation, there is positive and negative energy surrounding whatever you want. So let’s say you say you want to make $1000 dollars by the end of the week. Well, there’s the part of you that wants to do that and thinks you can, and then there’s the part of you that thinks that you’re too dumb or too irresponsible or too whatever to actually make that happen. Whichever part is stronger will control the manifestation and that is what will come forth. I’m not sure if I buy into this, but it seems to be true in my life, as I look back at my successes…

I asked my new friend, “So, how does one cope with disappointment? What do you do when you know that you want a loving relationship, but there is something in you that really doesn’t think you can have it?”. He said, “You get stronger. You look at all your so-called disappointments as opportunities for growth, and then you grow some more. When you have reached the level where your positive energy is stronger than your negative, the evidence will be in the manifestation of your heart’s deepest desires”….

What a perfect conversation. Right on time. I’m not sure how much truth is in his words, but they were the right words at the right time. I am willing to grow some more and rise above my fears. I am willing to open up some more and not be afraid when things don’t go as I planned. I’m willing to trust you, God, and do all the work you asked me to do without knowing where it will lead. I’m actually willing to stick this thing out until I see results. I am willing to grow and get stronger. Strong is no longer a bad word for me, because I am going to combine it with gentle and sensitive and respect all those aspects of myself. I am strong, and I am gentle, and I am sensitive.

What if I could grow and get stronger and it could be easy instead of hard? I’m going to try that out. You know, when you think of a strong woman, you always have this image of someone with a frown on their face, who is all alone doing things by themselves and raising kids without a man, etc. That’s not the kind of strong I want to be. I’d like to be strong like this graceful woman I saw on the “Bachelor” once, lol. She was one of the last two women left to marry the bachelor, and she didn’t get picked. Throughout the whole season, she was gentle, and kind and graceful and so strong, and when he didn’t pick her, she cried, but she had a smile on her face, and she blessed him and accepted his decision and she meant it. You could tell that she was strong enough to accept his decision and be happy anyway. That is the kind of strong I would like to be, God.

Actually, that is the kind of strong that I am choosing to be, and there is a level of faith involved in that kind of strength, because at the root of that, there must be two root ideas. One, you must believe that what is best for you is not always what you think is best for you, and two, you must believe that you will have your hearts deepest desires even if it doesn’t come from that situation, so that when you don’t get what you think you want from someone else right when you want it, you can let that go, and respect another person’s decision to live life as they please. Perhaps at the level of consciousness that you are at, you would not have been able to sustain a good thing. Perhaps you need to be alone a bit more so that you may develop the patience that is necessary to maintain a loving relationship. Maybe if if you had accepted whatever job, then you wouldn’t be free to work on that book deal that is actually inching it’s way towards you right now. Perhaps the perfect man for you is waiting right at the next restaurant you will go to…

In the midst of all our disappointments, after we have cried, we can stop blaming other people now, for doing what they want to do, and we can look for the ways that we might need to grow and learn and adjust and open and receive so that our lives can actually reflect our true heart’s desires. I am willing to do this…

Thank you, God, for this blessing, for this lesson. Thank you for my smile today. I don’t have to be sad for a long time any more when things don’t go my way. Thank you for helping me to know this. I can be strong and open and happy. I actually believe it, and I’m gonna keep praying and working and doing what you say until it becomes my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

Day 168

Grow Some More

From → The Good Stuff

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