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Day 167 – You Are The Prize (Value Your Self)

September 28, 2012

1:25 am. Can’t sleep.

Thoughts give me no peace. Heartbreak. Heartbreak. Heartbreak. Poem from the movie Pariah:

“Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise

For even breaking is opening

And I am broken

I am open

See the love shine in through my cracks

See the light shine out from me

My spirit takes journey

My spirit takes flight

And I am not running

I am choosing

I am broken

I am broken open

Breaking is freeing

Broken is freedom

I am not broken

I am free”

Words have always comforted me. I have been looking, God, for a hero. I have been looking for a savior. I have been hiding out. I had forgotten.

I had forgotten. I had forgotten. I had forgotten, Lord. I had forgotten that I was a prize, and I had been looking for someone, someone with value, to tell me that I was okay, to validate me. I had forgotten, Lord.

I forgot that I can write pretty poems, too. I forgot that I deserve pretty gifts, too, like compassion and consideration. My God, I forgot that I could be comforted, too. Where is my dad to remind me that I, too, am a prize?

Where is my dad? Dad, I forgot that I was special and I let so many people do bad things to me. I forgot that I could do stuff and be someone, like you told me I could. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to run after people and chase them and beg them to love me and not leave me and remember me and take care of me when I was sick.

You told me not to hang around bad people, but I was so lonely that I hung around anyone, and I forgot… I forgot that I’m okay. I really did. Even with all my issues. I’m okay.

And today, tonight, I remember. I am broken open. Heart broken open. He just left me, Dad. Abandoned me. They just left me and they didn’t even check to see how I was doing, or care if I could pay my rent or get off the bed. They didn’t care if I needed a friend and they took my weakness as an opportunity to exploit and manipulate and use and try and control me… And I let them. And I called them friends and I called them lovers but they didn’t love me. They never did. They don’t even know what that means…

Thank the Lord, I am broken open. I am broken open. It’s like a veil is coming off my eyes. Wow. It has been so long since I thought I was worth sh*t. I mean, I haven’t even thought about it, but look how I have been living. Playing so small. Hanging out with folks who clearly don’t give a d*mn about me. Tossing my love away, trying to shove it down the throats of people who don’t even want it. I am ashamed, God, but you tell me not to be.

You tell me to share my story, to share my words. You tell me that there is healing in what I am doing. You tell me to keep going. You tell me that I am waking up and sometimes it hurts to wake up after you have been asleep for a long time, but oh, I am waking up and I have so much more to give to the world because of my slumber… You tell me that I am the Prize, and I remember… I remember…

And what does it mean to be a Prize, God? I need to tell it to my mind. How does it mean to walk in the world with value? You say I hold my head up, and I don’t beg people to choose me or my work, I just put it out there and those who recognize good things will come. I can love as much as I want, but before I give myself to a man, I make sure that he has proven himself worthwhile, because you don’t just toss a valuable thing away, you make sure that whoever you are giving it to will appreciate it and take care of it…

Tonight it is past time to remember, You say.. You are overdue, Laydie. So remember, now. You are the Prize. Say it to your mind. Say it to your feet. Say it to your heart.  Say it to your hands, so that you may now and forever more create your life from this place, a place of integrity. A place where you honor who you are. A place where you recognize that your love and your friendship and your precious presence is a gift and you become discerning and careful and wise about who you give your gifts to. You don’t need to reinforce the lie that you are unlovable and not valuable and worthless any more. That is not your life any more. That is a lie! Come back now to the place of truth. The place where you can accept the good things that always flow towards you. The place of alignment and Divine right action. Stop playing small. Stop playing small, baby. Now.

Day 167

You Are The Prize (Value Yourself)

From → The Good Stuff

  1. You express yourself so well.

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