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Day 194 – Breaking The Cycle (The End of Heroes)

December 5, 2012

Good morning,

Today is one of those days already. A really, really good one. Sometimes nothing has to happen to make it a good day. It’s just a frame of mind.

Literally so much has changed since I wrote four days ago. I’m coming back to my real self again. I guess I was doing pretty good at the beginning of the year, then I got caught up with Dream Lover and fell off, and now I’m getting back to good again. I want to talk about Dream Lover today. Or rather, men. Or relationships really.

It has been a cycle in my life since I started having boobs. I’ll be doing really well, and then I meet some man. I fall head over heels for him and essentially give him complete power over my life. I feel weak and unstable. Something happens and we break up. I break down and spend some time doing really bad. Then I get back to good again on my own. Then I meet some man and fall head over heels… And the cycle continues. And all this time, I have been blaming the men.

But it is me who has been doing the same thing over and over again… I’m getting back to good again. In the past few days, I realized that I have angels for my friends and family. People have lifted me up and supported me so that I can have my basic needs while I’m in LA doing the writing thing. I got a full time job offer that I think I will like, which means that soon my financial situation will be much much better. I’m getting back to being disciplined, waking up on time and accomplishing little goals. I’m getting back to good again. Finally. And of course, as has been in the past, men are knocking on my door again…

So I sit here this morning, intentional. You see, I’m not interested in the up and down any more. I’m not interested in running in circles. I’d like the good to last this time. Forever, really. Of course there are “low” moments in life, but I’d like the good to last. Here. Now. In California. No more running away. No more super sad traumatic stories.

This weekend, I found out that I have friends. They have always been there, I just had to call them. And they are good friends. Fantastic people. And my family here is fantastic, too. But back to the men…

So, I used to think that I couldn’t do both. It was a choice. Either focus on your career or have a relationship. Either get a job or write. But it’s not true anymore. I can do both. I’d like an open heart, even now. So I ask God what I have been doing wrong to keep going through the same cycles, and He told me.

I have been trusting people who have never shown themselves trustworthy. I have been trying to make a man out of thin air, instead of paying attention to the men who were really in front of me. I haven’t thought that I had a right to ask, no demand to be loved. I haven’t thought much of myself and have given myself to men who cheat on me and lie to me and talk bad to me and don’t really care about anything I have to say and never remember my birthday and aren’t there for me when I need it. It’s not their fault. They have a right to be whoever they want to be. Nobody slipped any drugs in my drink or forced me to be with them. I had chosen to be with those people, and as I look back at them, I realize that I had never really sat down and analyzed anything.

And now, with clarity, I can make a new choice. I can finally break this cycle. I see that it has absolutely nothing to do with the men. It has everything to do with the standard I set for my life and my willingness to be open and giving and receptive.

God, You are asking me what is the standard. You know I don’t want to write it down, because writing makes things real for me. Do You think I can do it, God? Do You think I can actually have a good life finally? You say it is up to me and what I think… OK. I am willing to do it. I will set a new standard for my romantic relationships. Ha. That’s not hard at all. My standards have been so low. I’ll be public about it…

Let’s not talk about the little details. Let’s talk about the things that create the little details. First and foremost, he is completely single and unattached to anyone and he is willing and wanting to create and experience a profound Love in his life. That rules out 60 percent of guys, but You say that’s OK. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. You deserve it. OK. Next, he is kind, compassionate, and honest, and he keeps his word. He thinks about things before he makes a commitment and he doesn’t flake. And mostly, he wants to be with me, just as I am. No makeovers. No new books I have to read. No telling me to be whatever religion or not or get whatever job or sit at home… He is thrilled to know me just as I am, and, at some point, he has sat down and decided that I am exactly who he wants to be with, just as I am. He answers my phone calls all the time or calls back as soon as he can… LOL… OK. Is that good, God? You say yes. That’s a good start.

I’ll start there. You guys don’t understand. I finally feel like I’m worth something. I finally feel like I’m a good thing and I deserve a good thing and I’m enough and I’m able. And I’ve had so many people rooting for me and I know I still have a ways to go, but I’m so thankful for this day, God.

I am done with heroes now. I can have partners and companions now. Asking someone to save you is a lot of work. Most people have a hard enough time saving themselves. I can analyze and choose who I want to love and be vulnerable with and understand why and do a thing on purpose now. I’m done with pining for love and being pitiful. I’m done with a life that is less than me. I think at some point you just have to buckle up, draw forth all your strength, prepare for your life to be disrupted, and claim that you are done with living a certain way. Goodbye dysfunctional relationships. Good bye sadness. Good bye fear and repression. Goodbye death. I won’t miss you at all… And hello Life. Hello.

Day 194

Breaking The Cycle (The End of Heroes)

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